A Slight Introduction: Why yes, my dear reader, you have finally found your way to the fabled area of crack fiction. What is this fiction of crack you might say? I'm sure you're in intelligent bunch, figure it out. But, I must warn you; shed the shackles known as logic and reason and adorn the robes of insanity, without them you may never find your way back.
Simplistically Perfect: Bung Beeos - I choose you!
A young girl sat on her bed, looking at all her things for what my very well be the last time. Her life in that house on P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney was anything but easy, but it was the only life she had ever known. Ever since her parents died in a sort of tragic accident that was never quite adequately explained when she was just a baby, she had been forced to live with her terrible foster parents. Closing her eyes, the girl fought back tears as she recalled the first, and last, time she had dropped a plate.
"You stupid girl!", an unusually ugly woman shouted. She was rather stumpy, very short with a wide middle. The woman's hair was in more knots than ringlets, and the way her fist curled as she shook it at the young child was more ape-like than anything, "Look what you've done! I want you to pick it up. And don't even think about using your devilish tricks. No meals for a week."
The girl never understood what had happened to make her foster mother so cruel, but she pitied the woman; despite all the abuse and hardship she suffered at the ape-woman's hand, she still loved her as the mother she never had. Most would wonder why she didn't hate the woman with the fiery passion of ten-thousand burning suns, and there's a very simple reason as to why she doesn't: she's better than y-…I mean; she's very kind and humble and has a heart of absolute gold — not to mention a body worthy of absolute gold. Despite being at the young age of sixteen, this young girl's body was the envy of even the most beautiful of women. She had the perfect hourglass figure accentuated further by her perfectly shaped, if what somewhat ridiculously large, chest. Her luscious chocolate-colored hair sat in perfect ringlets on her shoulders, and her eyes are the sort of blue-green most sailors only dream about. Not to mention the fact that her soft ivory skin's only imperfection are the adorable freckles sprinkled across her face like fairy dust, but she doesn't like to talk about her looks very much. No, she is far too humble for that.
The sound of a rusted pan slamming against her door was the only warning she received before her beast of a foster mother barged into her room.
"Are you ready to go, O evil one? Yes, yes…go you will. I will not stand your fiendish 'gifts' in my home any longer! Maybe, if I had done this long ago I'd still have a husband, eh? Oh don't look at me with those disgusting puppy eyes you monster, you won't be getting any sympathy from me. Now get – go now!" The old woman stood there, flapping her arms like a pre-historic pterodactyl before the young girl stood on the spot and vanished, along with her luggage, with but a 'pop'. Tears fell from the young girl's face, she would miss her friends terribly. She could still remember like it was yesterday when Crush was teaching little Squirt how to do a head butt, or how Gil and Bruce hatched yet another plan to escape from the captivity of a white-coated dentist. She would miss them very much, but she couldn't take too much more nostalgia or her eye-liner would ru-..she would only further upset herself.
It was as though the room had somehow gained a whole new level of static electricity when with another 'pop' the young girl appeared before Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry And, she was the most beautiful girl Albus had ever seen. She was so beautiful, in fact, that he had completely forgotten that nobody can apparate into or our of the school or it's grounds.
"Headmaster Dumbledore, sir? My name is Xeranthemum but, everybody calls me Brittany." The eccentric man had to stop for a moment, for the sound ringing through his ears was the most stunning he had heard in a long, long time; Second, in fact, only to the sound of gumdrops on a sunny Saturday morning. It was all he could do to keep himself from drowning in the deep waters of her eyes, and the way her hair moved in the soft breeze! He was so enchanted that he only barely noticed the fact that they were indoors, so there was no breeze to be had. Furthermore, even if they were outdoors it was the absolute most wind-less day their great super-secret-undisclosed location had ever seen.
"Oh, please dear don't be posh. Call me Albus, or Dumbly if you'd like." The old coot gave her his best seductive smile, which turned out looking more like the Cheshire cat on acid than anything. He sat on his old desk, knocking over various valuable nick-knacks in the process. But, what value did such earthly items hold in the face of a gem as rare as she?
"Now, I imagine you must be exhausted. Please, entertain me whilest I give you an introduction to our most esteemed school." Our unconventional Headmaster went on about his school and on, and on, and on.
"Oh, yes did I mention we have house elves? Oh so many of them! Some of them are really quite interesting, they like tea cozies and butt-"
"YES! You old ba-…Yes, Headmaster sir, Dumbey. You've explained it all.", The girl everybody called Brittany flashed a dazzling smile, "Now, if I may, I'd like to head to my doromitory. No, no there will be no need to escort me. You've already explained, in eh, great detail how to get there…four times. I'm sure I'll be just peachy." The girl flipped her now blonde hair over her shoulder, did I mention she was an animagus too? Well, now you know.
"Oh that's very good, I knew you were a quick learner.", Dumbledore said with a wink. "Now, if I might intrude upon your time for only a moment longer I must inquire to the circumstances to which you came and stuff, because you know there are a lot of breasts-…I mean beasts out here, I mean there that may want yo.-..want to eat y-..want to harm you in the most terrible wa – I just need to know." Sweat gushed from his receding hairline and down his silvery beard as he did his best to avert his eyes from the girl's 'beasts'; he didn't know they made them like that anymore.
"My powers? Oh, yes. I can hear your every thought without ever having to even try! Don't look so worried Dumbey, I would never intrude upon your privacy. Oh, and I can also balkoobungbeeo.." Suddenly a tiny spider inching it's way up the wall became very interesting, so interesting she mumbled the last part of her statement making it completely incoherent to the old man listening.
"You can chalk a tongue needle? Oh that is very interesting indeed…" He had no idea what 'chalking' was, but tongue needles sounded great.
"No, no, no!" Brittany (who from now on will be referred to as 'Amanda' [1]) sighed, "I can talk to dung beetles."
"Oh! Why that's even more fantastic than tongue needles! I myself am a collector of those fine creatures and I would be happy to sho-.."
"No, that's okay," Amanda's lower eye twitched a bit at the thought of being in the presence of the idio-..sweet, old man any longer; it was far past his bed time, "I really should get some sleep."
"Of course, of course. Have a delightful adventure into the realm of dreams, where anything and everything is possible. Why, I once had a dream that I turned myself into a giant puppy only to realize that the only thing I could eat was cat food! What kind of dog was I, I me-..hey, where'd you go?" The giant doors to his office slammed shut, and it was with the loud 'bang' that the old coot realized he didn't swing that way; he must be infested. A shrill scream rang out through the castle…
"COOOOTIEEESS!"
[1] A rare and magnificent creature, nay Goddess such as our heroine should not be confined by the rules of mortals. In other words, she'll go by whatever name she wants because she's just perfect like that. Thank you for your cooperation.
a/n: Yes, I am HEAVILY editing this. I was going to scrap it, but I need to see if I can save it first. Ideas, feedback, constructive criticism and anything else ya'll got is always welcome.