Lost Hope
RayZor
It's almost more than I can bear...
This feeling of hopelessness...
I'm trying so hard to keep smiling...
But every day, the world spins faster...
I'm beginning to lose hope, my love...
I'll see you in the end...
Emerald eyes, once full of laughter and springtime, of love and compassion, of everything good in the world, watched a feather float away on the wind. It was white, so pure and pristine, unmarred by the wrath of mankind. She had once been like that feather. She had once been a beautiful white. But disease and corruption, mankind's own doing, had marred her once perfect reflection. She was tormented by pains that no one could see. Her eyes, the same ones that once shone so brightly, were dark and dull.
She had given up hope.
Memories had not returned, and she feared they never would, and she hurt worse every day. Mankind had introduced a new plague upon itself, just as Odine had predicted. A rebellious man with too much intelligence and access to too many things had released a bacterial infection in Galbadia Garden. She had been there with her boyfriend as he collected all of his belongings. She contracted the infection via drinking fountain.
It slowly ate away at her nervous system, starting at the base of her spinal cord. The doctors had given her, at most, six months to live. She had taken it with a grin, like the tropper she was, like the happy young woman she was, like the Selphie that they all had known. Her doctors, with the help of Dr. Odine, had given her a layout of when things would occur. Her boyfriend held her hand as she read the symptoms aloud at the lunch table in Balamb Garden's cafeteria. Her friends watched her with sadness, pity, hope, and love in their eyes, but she spoke with dignity and authority.
"After the first month, you will have trouble walking. After six weeks, you will be paralyzed from the waist and down. After two months, you will be tremling terribly. After three months, you will be unable to use your arms correctly. After four months, verbal communication will be nearly impossible. After five months, the bacteria will have started eating the brain cells, rendering you mentally retarded. At six months, there will be no brain activity, hence rendering you brain dead."
Her female friends sniffed, having cried throughout the layout. She refused to admit defeat and grinned at them; a grin of hope, of laughter, of all-around "Selphie-ness" made them cheer up a little. She would hold on for as long as she could. And when she could not hold on any longer for herself, she would hold on for Irvine, for Quistis, for Squall, for Zell and Rinoa and Matron and Cid Kramer. She would hold on for Dr. Odine's research. She would hold on for the memories that she had lost because of the GFs. She would hold on for longer than she wanted... Just so her friends could say that she fought valiantly.
The first month was up already and she was finding it difficult to walk. Her legs did not seem to want to respond to the commands that she gave them and she had fallen numerous times. Irvine was by her side, an arm around her waist and encouragin words for her to hear. She needed him to believe in her. Otherwise, she would have given in to the pain already.
Rinoa and Quistis set up a picnic lunch in the Quad, but Selphie fell ill the day that it had been planned. She apent the entire day vomiting. Irvine sat on the edge of the tub, holding her hair back and speaking in soothing tones. He hurt so badly, watching his girlfriend get sick. He wished that it had been him instead and made the mistake of voicing his opinions aloud once. She had smacked him across his face and told him to never think that again.
By the two month mark, she was wheel chair bound. Zell and Squall set up the Garden Festival as a surprise. She only got to hear the first band that played before falling victim to a violent seizure that left her unconcious for three days and in the Infirmary for a week. The cowboy never left her side, his hand remaining over hers. He would not let his Sefie go, he told Dr. Kadowaki. She would fight longer if he was there. When she awoke, she trembled non-stop.
For two weeks, Selphie refused to let her friends visit her. Only Irvine remained by her side, and she grudgingly let him see her in such poor condition. She had lost weight and looked so frail that he was afraid she might break. She was beginning to fade from the hyper-active teen she once was. She was too pale with dark circles around her eyes, which had lost their sparkle. Irvine hurt worse every day he saw her in pain... But he would not leave her side.
"Irvy," she called through the darkness. He was lying behind her on the bed they were sharing, his arm draped across her too-thin waist. "Irvy," she called again, placing a hand over his.
"Mm... Selph? Whatcha need, darlin'? Are ya sick again?"
Her face grew warm. She had awaken him the night before because she needed help getting to the bathroom, where she was violently ill. "No," she replied. "I... I need to talk to you."
He leaned over her to look her in the face, moonlight spilling across the two and making her look a ghostly pale. "Yeah, Selph?"
She swallowed hard before speaking again. "Why don't you go hang out with Squall or Zell, Irvy," she suggested. "I love you an' all, but this can't be good for your health."
"Selphie-"
"Don't argue with me, Irvy. You need to go do something fun."
"Selphie, I want to be with you."
She smiled at him. "But you need a break."
So, here she was at the Secret Area in the Training Center. Squall was leaning against the railing beside her, making sure that she did not fall. He had helped her stand, then she leaned against the railing. The two of them were quiet, lost in their own thoughts; thoughts that were too depressing for two nineteen-year-olds. He looked over at her and sighed.
"Did Irvine tell you where he was going?"
She shook her head. "He just said that he and Zell were going to hang out. I had to practically beg him to go have fun."
Squall nodded and fell back into thought. Selphie took another feather from her pocket and held it up. This one was just as perfect as the other one. She let it go and watched it float away on the wind.
"Squall?" He turned his head to look at her. "I'm scared," she said so very softly.
"Of what?" he asked. "Of dying?"
She shook her head. "I'm not scared of dying. Everyone eventually dies. I'm scared of leaving Irvy here alone." A tear trailed down her cheek. "And I always hurt, Squall. The pills don't help, but I try to smile for you guys. I try to stay happy for Irvine."
Squall instinctively pulled his frail friend into a firm, but tender, hug. "It's okay to admit defeat, Selphie," he told her, tears in his own blue eyes. "It's okay to be afraid."
She cried into the fur of his leather jacket, glad to be able to get that off her chest. She hurt all over, she was always sick, and her hope was gone. She was going to die and was afraid to leave Irvine. She needed Squall to listen... And he did. He always listened to her. He was her best friend, save for Irvine. She could tell him the things that she could not tell Irvine, who would worry.
"Thanks," she mumbled, her tremors getting worse.
Squall helped her into her wheel chair and kneeled in front of her. "We believe that you can pull though, Selphie."
She smiled sadly. "I'm going to disappoint you all then. My hope is fading."
Lilac eyes closed tightly, tear stains down his cheeks. "It's going to b-be fi-fi-fine, Ir-Ir-Irvy."
Five months along, she was stuttering and paralyzed below the neck. Her smiles were rare, her eyes were glazed over, and she tried not to talk due to discomfort. To top it all off, Dr. Kadowaki and Dr. Odine expected brain activity to cease within the next week.
Selphie Tilmitt was dying.
Irvine sat on the edge of her bed, holding her hand. He tried to smile, to keep her hopes up, to make her smile back, but the tears continued to force their way out. He leaned down and planted a small kiss tenderly on her lips. She returned the kiss as well as she could with tremors making her body tremble non-stop.
"I'll wait for you," she whispered before slipping into sleep. Irvine Kinneas let himself break down over her slumbering body.
It was warm, even so early in the morning. Dark eyes watched everyone walk through the streets of Balamb, going about their daily lives. It was hard to believe that she was thrity-three this year. An arm wrapped around her waist and she smiled at her husband.
"You ready to go see them?" he asked.
She nodded.
Squall and Rinoa Leonhart walked out of Balamb and down the road that once led to Balamb Garden. the Ragnarok, and their friends, awaited their arrival, Zell in he pilot's seat. Laura Dincht was keeping their four-year-old twin girls busy with crayons and coloring books, their six-year-old son was reading a comic book. Quistis's husband, Marc grey, was holding their two-year-old son, Alex. Quistis greeted their friends.
"Irvine?" the older, plumper, Squall asked, looking around to see their friends.
Quistis sighed. "I haven't heard from him since..."
Laura smiled up from her seat between the girls. "Zell and I talked to him last week." They all looked at the former librarian expectantly. "He's going to see her today, so we thought it best to visit there tomorrow to let him have his time alone with her. He's living on a small farm in Galbadia. He's unmarried and living with his and Selphie's dog that Rinoa gave them right after Ultimecia's defeat... I think his name was, like, Carey or something like that."
Rinoa smiled sadly. "He and Selphie were made for each other."
They all nodded silently, save for Marc, who had never met the sunshine of the group.
"... It's been a year and I'm sorry I ain't had the chance to visit. Been busy, y'know. The farm's doin' good. I'm raisin' cattle and chocobos. Been a big demand for beef, so I'm makin' gil.
"Carey died night before last. He was fifteen... Pretty old for a mutt, right? He died in his sleep, just like an old dog should. I might get a new dog. It was pretty quiet in the house this mornin'."
The cowboy was standing in the flower field in front of her grave, cowboy hat in his hands. He wore simple jeans and a button-up. Unlike some of the others, he was still physically fit, just as he had been when he was nineteen. It had been fourteen years...
"You should be with me, Sefie," he choked out, tears running down his cheeks. "That guy was put to death two days after you came here. He deserved to be injected with the same infection that you got." He chuckled. "Yeah, i know. I shouldn't talk that way. But I love you, Selph, and he killed you. Understandable that I hate the bastard. Even you can't argue with that logic."
He stared at the smooth marble grave stone, lilacs placed to the side of it. He smiled at the picture of her on the stone. "I'm tryin' not ta be bitter, Selph. I swear I am. It's just so damn hard!"
His face was covered by his ungloved, caloused hands. The breeze blew softly, ruffling his long golden brown ponytail and pushing his cowboy hat across the ground toward her grave. The sun shined warmly down on him and he looked up. Warm rays of light kissed him gently and he savored the feeling.
I'll wait for you, she whispered.
He smiled and picked up his hat, dusting it off. "Love ya, darlin'. Keep smiling for me. I'll try not to keep ya waitin' too long."
And though you're gone
I promise to smile on
I'll keep my promise for forever
I'll keep us going and end never
Keep waitin' for me, darlin'
And I'll be with you in the end
.fin.