Update: I noticed some pretty major grammar errors, so I went ahead and corrected them.
Hello everyone, how are you all doing? Okay, so this one-shot technically isn't first person, its more along the lines of third person limited. But I hope you all like my first one shot.
Monday's are always the least active days of the week at Warner Bros. studios. Inside the movie lot's entrance booth, Ralph was lazily reclined in his chair with his feet on top of his desk. The blue hat resting on his face flapped up after every snore. It was pretty slow morning today, so Ralph thought a quick nap wouldn't hurt. He was so out of it, he didn't notice three figures sneaking into his booth.
"Oh my darling, you've stolen my heart…" a familiar female voice cooed. A fuzzy image of a supermodel appeared within a pink haze. She seemed to have black hair, white face, and an odd reddish nose. This mysterious woman sensuously massaged Ralph's face within her white gloves. At this point Ralph wasn't sure if this was still a dream or if this was real. Either way, he was enjoying this."I would have never been able to go on without you; you are the purpose of my living, my soul mate, the peanut butter to my jelly…" Ralph couldn't help but be captivated by this unknown person's voice. He started giggling as the woman leaned closer to his face.
"I can't wait any longer, please my knight in shining armor. Kiss me…" she continued. Ralph dreamily reached out with his lips puckered. "Kiss me; let me taste the sensation of your lips. While you taste the sensation of…" He immediately woke up to the salty taste of raw fish.
"Salty Mackerel!" Wakko giggled in front of him. In his arms was an enormous mackerel fish that he pressed against his face. Ralph jumped back and reached for the nearest bottle of mouthwash underneath his chair as the Warner Brothers giggled at their own practical joke.
"Don't ever make me do that again!" Dot complained with her arms crossed. Ralph quickly figured out what was that familiar voice he heard in his dreams. "Who writes that kind of dialogue anyway?"
"Cookie cutter soap opera writers are my guess" Yakko laughed. Ralph grumbled as he wiped his mouth. This was not how he wanted to start his morning. Before he had time to react, the Warners were already running away from the booth as Ralph got up to pursue them. He pulled out his butterfly net and followed after them. It was that time of the day again.
This was just a normal part of his job, when he wasn't working the front gate. The group ran about all over the entire studio. The zany trio darted in and out in all different directions. They passed through garages, warehouses, on top of rooftops, and various movie sets. Yakko acted as a tour guide as he listed different locations around the place.
"And over to our left is the glorious Warner Brothers water tower temporarily up for rent. Anyone who's willing to stay gotta bring in the dough, preferably cookie or bread dough. Over to our right is Termite Terrace, the birthplace of legends.
"Don Knottz?' Wakko asked dreamily.
"Not exactly, but close enough" he responded as the group passed by a few familiar faces.
Dr. Scratchensniff was walking out of a building carrying a stack of papers. He managed to dodge the Warners coming his way; he gave a brief sigh of relief before Ralph mowed him over from behind. Ralph wildly swiped his butterfly net at the Warners as he accidentally whacked a few other bystanders; The Goodfeathers sitting on a perch, and a mine that was pretending he was a police officer directing traffic. While anyone else would had been concerned about what was happening around them, Ralph is a perfect example of having a one track mind. Once the chase begins, it's the only thing on his mind.
The Warners jumped on three overturned trash cans and log rolled away on top of them.
"And coming up next is the end of our brief tour, or as I like to call it, the detour" Yakko added as all three siblings suddenly split off in three directions. Ralph followed Yakko inside one of large studio buildings.
Inside, the room was dimly lit. An orchestra was quietly playing on the far right corner of the room. Ralph looked around as his feet unintentionally sneaked in perfect timing to the music's slow tempo. The guard paused in front of orchestra as he arched an eye at each corner of the room for any sign of them. He knew at any moment they would pop out to try to scare him. The element of surprise is what these guys were masters at. He was confident they wouldn't get him this time. He hadn't noticed that Yakko, whose back was facing towards him, was in fact the conductor.
The guard peered over at the sheet music Yakko was using; the title read " Symphony No. 94 or Surprise Symphony by Haydn". "What the heck is supri…?" he began to ask himself, just as a loud fortissimo chord made him literally jump out of his pants and into the air.
Ralph sailed in air before crashing into a dressing room filled with flamboyantly dressed dancers. He emerged from a pile clothes with a pink shirt and necklace draped around his shoulders, and a white scarf with red polka dots on his head. The dancers gasped momentarily before they started giggling. Ralph's face flushed bright red as he bashfully covered himself with his hat. He wasn't sure what looked more embarrassing, that he barged into room filled with scantily clad women, or the fact that his shorts happened to match the scarf. Suddenly, the Warners brothers heads appeared underneath the shoulders of two of the dancers.
"Hello burlesque nurses!" Yakko and Wakko wooed as they smooched their faces. The dancers shrieked as they quickly ran out of the room. Dot came in wearing a pink suit and green sunglasses . She tugged at Ralph's clothing.
"Oh no, this get up won't do at all!" Dot complained as if she was a fashion critic. "The drapes clash with the shirt, pink is definitely not your color, and worse you're wearing red..." she looked down briefly before her brothers leaned close to her face.
"Polka Dot?" they replied slyly.
"Not this again!" Dot complained as she and the others started dancing to polka music playing out of nowhere. The two brothers paired up with each other while Dot reluctantly paired herself with Ralph. While Ralph had no idea what this was all about, he figured this was some shtick they made with someone else. He wasn't the only person they played around with. The dance ended as quickly as it started when Dot wrapped a long pink sweater around his body.
"Salmon is more of your variety" She pulled the sweater off him, sending him spinning into a clothes rack. The trio disappeared just as Ralph redressed himself and went after them. He didn't even bother to look for the butterfly net he misplaced. That was one of things he picked up after doing these chases for many years; you had to have a quick recovery time if you wanted to stay one step behind someone.
He caught up to the Warners as they cleared the front gate. This didn't bother Ralph as he knew most of their chases always took place outside the studio anyway. What did bother him though was that he hadn't eaten anything yet this morning. Ahead of him, the Warners entire bodies suddenly became dark tan with white icing accentuating their feet and ears. Jazzy swing music played out of nowhere as they sang.
"Run, run, run, as fast you can. You can't catch us. We're the gingerbread men. Run, run, run, as fast you can. You can't catch us cause we're the gingerbread men!" Ralph groaned at that, now they were just taunting him. However, food would have to wait for later.
"Where are these guys heading to now?" he thought to himself. The studio at this point was many miles behind the group. Just a few miles away, a fair came into view up ahead. Ralph knew this was a perfect attraction spot for the Warners. Not only was it a place for them to have fun and enjoy the rides, but it also gave them a chance to do a special game they loved to play during these chase sequences, hide and seek.
Ralph looked in all possible places the Warners would hide in; the fun house, the carousel, restrooms, on the ferris wheel, back stage trailers, or the baggy overalls of a clown. But so far, he still he couldn't find out where they were hiding. Eventually, he did manage to find them, but it was always in the oddest of expected places.
At one point, he found Dot when she jumped out of a soda cup he was drinking from. She planted a wet smooch on his lips before reeling back in disgust.
"Yuck! Your breath tastes like mackerel!" she exclaimed before running off. Ralph sputtered as he wiped his lips. He knew the breath thing was not his fault, that's for sure.
Later, Wakko was found with his head bobbing inside the holes of a whack a-mole machine. His head repeatedly popped up in one of the six holes to the tune of "Pop Goes the Weasel". Ralph grabbed a rubber mallet as he waited for the right moment to bop him. He found out a pattern in which near the end of each song verse, Wakko's head would pop up in the top center hole. Ralph grinned deviously as he raised the mallet and sang along to the melody.
"All around the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel, Wakko came out the tiny hole…"
At this moment he brought down the mallet over the hole, and successfully managed to hit… himself. Ralph yelped in pain as he rubbed the lump that suddenly appeared on his head. How did that happen? He could have sworn he wasn't in the machine!
"…Goes the Weasel" Wakko finished the verse, appearing in the top right hole. He then took out a large mallet and flattened Ralph with it.
"Isn't cartoon logic great?" he added before disappearing into a nearby crowd.
Several minutes later, Ralph stopped in front of a concession stand to catch his breath. It was time for a quick recharge, lunch time had already started and he hadn't eaten anything all morning.
"Hey buddy, want a hot dog? It's on the house?" a familiar voice answered. Ralph turned towards the vendor who had an odd black and white face and a red nose. In his right hand, he held out a hot dog with mustard, ketchup, and sauerkraut piled on top of it.
"Thanks" Ralph replied as he took the hot dog from him and chomped half of it in one bite. He went wide-eyed as he suddenly made two realizations; one was that the vendor might have been Yakko, and two, this hot dog he just ate also had Habanero peppers on it. His face burned red as flames emitted from his mouth. Yakko put on a fire fighter helmet as his two other siblings came out from under the counter with a giant water house.
"Fire in the hole!" Wakko shouted as a jet stream of water slammed into Ralph's face, sending him flying several feet away. As soon as he was back on his feet, he recognized the three figures climbing up a ladder on an enormous water slide. The slide was one large ramp that descended at a steep forty-five degree angle. It wasn't before long Ralph was gaining on the Waners as he headed up the ladder. He was quickly closing in on them. If he was quick enough, he could grab them just before they went down the slide. As soon as he got to the top, he opened his arms wide.
"Gotcha!" he exclaimed as he embraced the trio in one grab...or so he thought. He immediately noticed they felt unusually stiff and fluffy for some reason. It turns out these were decoys, stuffed animals shaped just like the Warners. Ralph gingerly picked up a note rested on the Yakko plush toy.
The note read, "Don't look now but you've just been taken for a ride! Yakko". Below the message was a small red sucker. He then noticed a smaller message underneath it, "P.S. You're about to be taken on another ride!"
"What did that mean?" Ralph thought to himself as he looked down and noticed a loop of rope wrapped around his ankle. In front of him, a long trail of excess rope extended all the way down to the end of the waterside. Although it was hard to make out, a small motor boat was parked in the water at the end of the slide. Beyond the boat was nothing but the ocean. Ralph suddenly remembered that he was not a good swimmer.
"Uh-Oh" An abrupt yank stretched his leg down the slide so fast, it took half a second for the rest of his body to catch up. He screamed as he sped down the water slide at over fifty miles per hour. A small upward curve at the end of the slide sent him flying into the air and splashing into the water. Within a few moments, his entire body was gliding across the water. Ahead of him, Dot skated across the ocean on water skis, beyond her, her brothers in were the motor boat. Ralph flopped around helplessly as he was constantly sprayed with water from Dot's skis. Dot skillfully darted around large rocks and flipped over buoys. Ralph wasn't as graceful as he clumsily bumped against the buoys and hastily dodged out of way of oncoming rocks.
At one point, he gave a sigh of relief after ducking under a tall curved rock that would have no doubt collided into his head. He couldn't believe how lucky he had been so far. Maybe this was one of those times where luck would be on his side. But as Yakko would probably say, "This is not one of those times." He was too distracted to notice Dot performing another trick where she somersaulted over a smaller rock. Before Ralph could react, the low-lying rock collided into him with a loud "clang!" A brief high-pitched grunt came out of his mouth. The Warner brothers looked back and winced as he grabbed his privates.
"Well, there goes our K rating." Yakko said aloud, shaking his head.
"Let's head to shore, it's dangerous out here" Dot commented as she got on the boat. Ralph was happy to hear that, he had enough water for one day. The motor boat veered a hard left towards a beach that came into view up ahead. The trio immediately ditched the boat and sped onto the beach. Ralph submerged into the water before skidding on the sandy shore. Sea stars and kelp stuck to his body while a squid rested on his head.
Ralph let out an angry frustrated growl as he wrestled the animals off him. He was hot, and it wasn't from the hot dog. This was the main thing he hated about these chases, as soon as he got close, they always found a way to slip away. Well he wasn't going to let that happen. They were not going to leave his sight this time.
The next few hours went by in a blur. At this point, Ralph and the Warners were in an intense cross-country foot pursuit. Where would they end up in this time; New York, London, Tokyo, or Paris? Whether they went to these places or not, Ralph barely noticed. His determination to catch the trio blocked out everything else. The groups speed was so fast; it dominated that of the fastest known track athletes and rivaled that of a certain road-runner. The guard never strayed more than five feet behind the Warners. While the average person would have no doubt fallen out by now, Ralph didn't have this issue. Overtime, he built up an endurance to run long distances. This helped a great deal as the Warners, no matter how long these chases lasted, never got tired.
Currently, the group was traveling across a bumpy road in the middle of the desert. The Warners made a turn around a sharp corner on the side of a cliff. Ralph did the same thing as a dark tunnel came into view. He couldn't see the Warners ahead him but proceeded to head towards the tunnel. He had no intention of letting anything stop him this time. The tunnel, which turned out to be a painted rocky wall, proved otherwise. Ralph cursed to himself as he dizzily staggered backwards while holding his head.
"How did I fall for this old gag again?" he thought to himself.
"Yoo-hoo! Ralphie!" the Warners called out from a distance. Ralph looked all around before spotting them inside a small blue airplane. On the side of plane read a label "Plane of Convenience: Property of Acme Co."
"Where did that come from?" Ralph silently wondered to himself. He made a dash towards the plane just as it was getting ready to take off. But it was too late; they were far too high in the air to reach. How was he going to catch them now? An extra aircraft parked near where the plane was, roused his attention. He quickly climbed on top of the red vehicle and lit a match to start it. It wasn't until the very last moment he noticed the label "Rocket of Convenience: Property of Acme Co." when the large rocket ignited and blasted off. Ralph's face stretched backward as he braced the rocket's G force speeds. The blue plane quickly came into view as he reached his arm out to grab the Warners. This was it; he's got them this time. After a few tense moments, he finally managed to get a grip on the edge of the cockpit.
"Hey, when did this jet go supersonic?" Yakko spoke up as he noticed the sudden burst in speed.
"I did it! I got em, I got em!" Ralph gloated victoriously. The Warners looked back somewhat surprised.
"We'll look who finally caught up!" The eldest Warner added as his siblings cheered. Ralph would have done the same thing if he wasn't busy trying to keep his grip his on the edge of the cockpit. He reached out his other arm as he was getting ready to climb onto the plane, until Yakko leaned close to his face to give him a message.
"A few words of advice, if you're going to use a vehicle to chase someone, don't use a rocket. They tend to explode" he casually joked before a pulling a long lever inside the cockpit, stopping the plane in midair. Ralph immediately lost his grip as the rocket sped ahead of the plane. Yakko's words quickly sank in as the rocket he was sitting on began to rumble. The rocket exploded with a loud "boom". As the smoke cleared, he froze at the sight of a canyon thousands of feet below his own two feet. This was not good.
He screamed as his massive body was falling towards the canyon that was rapidly getting closer and closer. What he needed was a parachute. Suddenly, as if the Warners read his mind, they appeared falling next to him wearing spandex skydiving suits. Yakko held out a packed parachute for Ralph. Ralph reached out to grab it before stopping himself. They had tricked him all day and now he was supposed to assume they were going to give him a break this time? No way, he didn't trust them this time.
"Oh-no you don't!" Ralph exclaimed as he grabbed the other packed parachute off Yakko's back. It was labeled "Parachute of Convenience: Acme Co."
"I don't think you'll want that one" Dot warned.
"Yeah, that one's a real doozy. It's all dusty and dirty inside." Wakko added. Ralph ignored their comments as he strapped on the parachute.
"Well sibs, if he really wants it, we might as well let him have it." Yakko shrugged as he put on the one he was going to give to Ralph. All three of the siblings pulled the rip cords on their parachutes. They waved a cheerful good-bye as their deployed parachutes slowed down their descent above him. Ralph was surprised to see that the parachute Yakko was going to give him really wasn't a trick, but in fact a normal red parachute. Turns out he was wrong about them this time. With that in mind, he causally pulled the rip cord on the one he had on. An enormous dusty black anvil hovered above him.
"Oh-no." In a rare occurrence, Ralph momentarily admitted that what he had just done was not one of his smartest choices. The anvil then slammed down on him as he fell into the canyon floor with an enormous thud.
Later that afternoon, Ralph reclined in his chair as he ate a few powdered doughnuts inside the entrance booth. He was completely exhausted from the chase earlier today. His clothes were tattered and slightly stained from the rocket explosion. The lump on his head was partially covered by his cap. The chase ended prematurely, as Ralph couldn't find the Warners after the parachute incident. Only thing he did find was an angry letter from Wile E. Coyote, threatening to sue him for ripping off his stunts.
After everything that happened earlier today, he should have been in immense pain and sitting in the Nurse's office. But he didn't have to, over the years he had built up a high tolerance for pain. There wasn't much the Warners could throw at him that he couldn't take. The returning brief soreness from his small rock collision at sea proved otherwise.
He glanced at the Warner's water tower behind him. The sun was beginning to set behind it. Despite that the Warner's constantly made his job very difficult, he couldn't bring himself to stay mad at them. They weren't really that bad. While this was only a job to him, this was a game to them. Everything they did in their eyes was always in good fun. At least having to catch these guys made his job far more interesting than having to sit in a small booth all day. Besides, he came very close to catching them today. Even though it ended with a hollow victory, he still came close. But he knew could always try again next time. As he munched on another doughnut, he uttered his favorite movie quote, even though he had no idea where it's from.
"After all, tomorrow is another day".
Well, overall I'm very pleased with how this one shot turned out. I actually meant to have this up earlier this year but had to keep postponing due to rewrites and school work. Would you believe I went through at least two other versions of this story before I finally settled on this 3rd version? Don't forget to include your comments and or reviews/criticisms. If you liked this story, feel free to check out my other ones. "Two Tone Tower" and "Test Dummy for Gizmo 13#"