Crackfic!

Yes, I know, I have an obsession with these Jeremy Kyle fics… but so far, barring one, they have been restricted to Morganville.

And MORGANVILLE SHALL NOT BE MENTIONED IN THIS FIC… apart from the two times already mentioned in this A/N.

It is also an AU because some characters are alive and the ages are all dodged… so don't comment on that. To clarify, Sirius and Fred are alive whilst Regulus is dead, as he ought to be.

So, pure humour and stuff so if you have a liking for serious situations, don't bother to read it.

I don't own anything

Jeremy steps out onto the stage which has had a revamp since its little extended trip to America to both New York and the city in Texas Jeremy never wants to set foot in again, turning to face the audience of witches and wizards who have gathered together to be able to see the apparently rather interesting people who are gathering on stage today.

"Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the special episode of The Jeremy Kyle Show, the show which aims to bring about a certain level of closure or clarity to a situation surrounding a variety of people," Jeremy announces with a smile, entirely relaxed with his audience. He walks past the two red material chairs (black leather was so about a thousand years ago now) already on the stage as he swings back around to face the audience. "Today, we have a rather full roster. We have quarrelling brothers who may just have an issue to resolve, along with another set of quarrelling brothers who have a dispute about a business they set up together, along with possibly another guest if we get the time," he explains the reasons the guests have to appear on the show without giving away too much information so that the audience don't get bored.

The audience glance over to the corner, where they are being told to clap, so they dutifully do so, wondering whether or not they, the wizards of the world, can invoke better reactions than the mediocre American audiences who basically stuck to gasping and booing, nothing more.

"On first, my wonderful studio audience, is Sirius Black, the elder brother of the two, who is here to dispute the reasons with his brother as to why they fell out and why everything happened the way it did," Jeremy announces, causing the audience to get confused: they thought that Regulus had been killed by Voldemort like ages ago… "Oh, yes, I almost forgot. We have a machine that brings people back to life for the duration of this show, so Regulus shall be able to back himself up but he will not be alive as he does so," Jeremy hastily explains how this discussion shall be able to be brought about, since Regulus died about twenty or more years ago now… but nobody really remembers Reg, which is a bit of a shame.

With the idea that he is needed now, Sirius swaggers down the corridor from his dressing room where he spent half the time moaning about a spot he has gotten, whilst the audience bursts into applause as they know they have to. Cheers erupt as he walks out of the corridor and into the sight of the studio audience, his black curly hair bouncing in a most appealing manner. This, coupled with the stunning smile he flashes as he stops to be admired by the audience (not at all increasing his ego), causes half of the people watching to have heart attacks, all of them thinking he was smiling directly at them… unfortunately, they see to have forgotten that Sirius is already with someone so it would never work between them.

After his long moment of fame, Sirius turns to Jeremy who seems taken aback that someone would use his show to increase their social standing. After all, it's Jeremy's show; he is the one who is supposed to get famous from it, not Marauders who can turn into dogs!

"Sirius, take a seat," Jeremy says, starting rather stiffly and causing a ripple of anger to run through the audience, every single one of them capable of turning him into a toad within less than three seconds. So Sirius does as he is asked, smiling at Jeremy as he does so, and then Jeremy continues, "So, Sirius, why are you here today?"

The black haired beauty who doesn't seem to look as old as he is, barely appearing a day older than eighteen, contemplates the question for a moment. "I am here to have a little chat with Regulus and to ask him why he did the things he did and why he didn't bother to consult me on the issues," he finally answers, ducking his head slightly.

"Yes, because what was your brother?" Jeremy finally gets his own back on Sirius monopolising the 'hunky status' on the show, causing Sirius to blush.

"He was a Death Eater," Sirius mumbles and the audience decide that gasping just isn't going to cut it in this situation. No, they have to get their wands out and get the melodramatic music cutting through the air, various omens of bad things conjuring out of the ends of wands. The medley of all of this causes Jeremy's head to near explode, meaning he stands up and faces the audience purposefully, grabbing the megaphone from the side of the stage and clenches it in his hands.

"Sit down and shut up NOW!" he screeches through the megaphone so loudly that some of the younger people in the audience topple over in shock at the vibrations of the sound waves. "That was not that big of a revelation and if you think it is, you are more than welcome to leave. So, shut up and sit down!" he continues, asserting his authority that it is his stage and his show.

Whilst they grumble and look as if they want to turn the Jezzameister into a toad, they manage to refrain themselves and are soon seated in their chairs and ready for the rest of the session. "Yes, Reg was a Death Eater but he tried to get out… I don't know what happened or anything and I just want to know what did and why… why he didn't ask for my help," Sirius continues without any prompting from Jeremy to continue why he is here.

Jeremy nods and sets the megaphone down on the side of the stage again before turning back to the audience. "We're now bringing Regulus Black back from the dead for fifteen minutes, ladies and gentlemen!" he announces and they all clap, glowering at the same time because they are pissed off that they weren't allowed to react even slightly melodramatically when they were reminded that dear Sirius' brother was a Death Eater.

Slowly and shyly, the entire polar opposite of his elder brother, Regulus Black emerges through the opposite doors, in solid form for the first time since he died. He manages a small smile to the audience before turning to his brother and being embraced in a hug that, if they weren't careful, could turn into an incestuous gay affair.

"Hi, Jeremy," Regulus says as he takes his seat next to his older brother.

"You know who I am?" Jeremy confirms, shocked that a dead man knows who he is – the show hasn't been on that long!

"Oh yeah, we have the show in the afterlife; we found the last few episodes pretty funny when you were in-" Regulus begins to compliment the show until Jeremy throws his hand over his mouth to stop him completing the sentence.

"That place caused me hell; I am never hearing the name of it again, do you understand?" Jeremy hisses and Regulus nods, looking as scared of Jeremy as he was of Voldemort. "Right, ok, let's get to the chase: why did you join the Death Eaters?" he asks bluntly, not caring about hurting little Reg's feelings because he is Jeremy Kyle and Jeremy Kyle doesn't care about feelings!

"I joined the Death Eaters because my parents liked the idea and so did I, when it wasn't as hardcore as I soon found it to be," Regulus explains, not entirely sure himself why he joined. "But I soon realised that the Order of the Phoenix was the side to be on, the one that was right and could win…I can't say really why I joined the Death Eaters but I wish I hadn't," Regulus continues, a little tear in the corner of his eye as he confesses this.

"Reg, why didn't you tell me about wanting out?" Sirius asks his little brother gently, his hand on his shoulder. "Dumbledore would have helped and so would Remus and James… why didn't you let me help you with the whole Horcrux thing?" he continues, letting another question out at the same time.

Jeremy decides that he needs to have his name in the conversation – or at least his voice – because this is his show, not the Sirius and Regulus have a little heart to heart show! "Yes, Regulus, if you loved your brother, why didn't you let Sirius help you?" he asks pointlessly, causing the entire room to look at him with narrowed eyes.

This reaction allows Regulus a few seconds to think, in which he makes his mind up about how to answer. "I didn't tell you about wanting out because I didn't want to put you in even more danger, as you would have been if I had managed to escape and then you had helped me… I didn't ask for help with the Horcrux because it was a limited time offer to deal with it and you hated me at the time… anyway, I had Kreacher," he explains his reasoning, the mention of the house elf causing Sirius to grimace. "Speaking of our house elf, where is he?" Regulus asks his first question to Sirius who ducks his head again.

"Um… in the crazy hospital around the corner from Gringotts because he hated my hair!" Sirius wails, lying through his teeth for Kreacher is currently in Azerbaijan, studying forestry. "I didn't mind him really but he went cuckoo!" he continues, causing Regulus to cry loudly.

"He was my bestest friend!" he wails, clutching at Jeremy who is extremely disturbed by this display of solidarity and closeness so publicly.

"So, now that you have the air cleared, Sirius, do you have anything you would like to say to Regulus?" Jeremy asks as soon as Regulus releases him, snot all over the suit jacket he has come to adore.

"Love you little bro, so don't ever forget it… oh and I nabbed your chocolate eggs at Easter every year till you were thirteen… it wasn't the dog," Sirius laughs at the memories of eating fifteen extra Easter eggs then throwing it all up just so Kreacher had to clean up.

"And you, Regulus?"Jeremy directs this question at the younger boy, who looks as if he is beginning to disappear – his fifteen minutes of resuscitation are almost over!

"That was you?" Regulus is evidently keen on using the last minute or so of his revival to get to the bottom of the 'you ate my Easter eggs' problem that has just been thrown in the air.

"'Fraid so, little brother," Sirius says, trying to keep a straight face but failing instantly. This results in him laughing, which causes Regulus' straight face to fall into a smile.

"Fine, you're forgiven," he smiles. "Um… I just want to say I'm sorry that I didn't listen to you about Voldemort and the way that you stayed out of the bad side of stuff and that I love you too!" he sobers up for a few seconds before allowing another peal of laughter to escape his lips.

Jeremy smiles as he sees the reconciliation between the two men but is a little disappointed inside. He expected fist fights and for the reconciliation to be much harder than it was… but it worked and maybe the next guests can provide a little entertainment?

Regulus disappears entirely and Jeremy knows that this is the end of Sirius and Regulus' segment on the show. "So, Sirius, if you would like to go that way and you can drink as much of the free alcohol as you want," Jeremy says and the momentarily morose Sirius' spirits instantly pick up.

"Even the 300 year old malt?" he confirms, grinning when Jeremy nods. "Good because I already drank half of it!" he laughs as he waves to the audience (causing the other half of the audience, including the men, to swoon) before disappearing off the stage.

"Right, up next, we have a set of twins who have had a disagreement and this has now spread into their entire life," Jeremy announces gravely, the audience sober as they realise that the guests have to be Fred and George, the only twins that anybody seems to care about in the world of magic… and when Jeremy says, "on first is Fred to explain why he is here," they know that it is definitely the loveable twins because no other wizarding twins have the name Fred as one of the twins…

With a swagger similar to Sirius' as he came out, Fred walks down the corridor with an angry expression which is directed at his brother. His red hair is flat against his head and both his ears are deliberately on show as a sort of stand against his lugless brother.

The audience cheer as Fred emerges on stage, some wizards shooting fireworks into the air as they see the amazing boy. As such a welcome is displayed, Fred cracks a grin, causing the only just revived from Sirius women to collapse all over again.

"Hey, Jeremy, want a sweet?" Fred, ever the joker, has to say as he shakes Jeremy's hand as he sits down.

Not knowing that this is possibly the worst thing to do with Fred or George, Jeremy nods and accepts the little green sweet from Fred, tossing it into his mouth. Instantly the effects take hold, with Jeremy's hair turning green and expanding hugely, his body elongating and changing to resemble a tree trunk… overall, Jeremy is now a living Christmas Tree!

"New line, ladies and gentlemen – turn your friend into a piece of vegetation!" Fred announces with a grin, the audience laughing their heads off at Jeremy's new state of being. "Sorry, Jezza mate, here I'll turn you back!" he says to Jeremy whose face seems to be close to tears.

With that, he waves his hand and says a few stereotypical wizard words like Abracadabra and stuff before Jeremy turns back… just as Fred presses in his nose.

All of a sudden, Jeremy reappears, his face torn between being insanely angry at that he was turned into a joke or laughing along with the rest of them. After a second of deliberation, he decides to do neither, choosing to simply sit down next to Fred and begin the session. "So, Fred, tell me why you're here," he says, his voice slightly sharper than with Sirius as a direct result of the whole 'turn Jeremy into a Christmas tree thing' but not so much so that someone would comment.

Fred considers the question for a moment before answering. "Well, a few months ago, I took a little sabbatical… like from life, you know?" he says, the audience nodding knowingly. "Well, you can of course imagine my surprise when I returned to see that my own brother had nabbed my girlfriend!" he says and the audience gasp, some of them screaming that George is a man whore to try and stop the reactions being the same as America's.

Jeremy raises his eyebrows at this slightly disturbing information (after all, Fred and George are identical twins so this is more than a little disturbing for her to have moved onto the other one) but he knows there is more. "And that lead to…?"

"Well, for obvious reasons, I don't really want to work with him in the shop anymore, but now he is disputing the fact that I suggested we set up the shop!" Fred yells the last part, his face flushed deep red. But then he ducks his head slightly and continues, "um… then, when very drunk, I sort of slept with Angelina and she is pregnant and we don't know who the Dad is," he continues, causing the audience to be split whether they should remain 100% supportive of Fred, or support George just a little.

"Angelina is unable to be on the show today, but we have the DNA results as to who is the father," Jeremy tells the audience. "So, we'll announce those at the end… but firstly we shall sort out the entire issue of Angelina moving on with George and all the calamities regarding the shop… so George is here, ladies and gentlemen!" he continues, causing the audience to boo as the one eared man emerges from the side of the stage.

He uses his wand to move the chair to the other side of the stage away from Fred, causing a low grumble to go through the audience, some of them wondering why he is doing this until the other audience members explain why.

"So, George, what have you got to say about this?" Jeremy asks the second twin, who folds his arms and sits with a straight face.

"Nothing; I didn't do anything wrong… would you like a sweet?" he suddenly hands a sweet identical to the one that Fred gave Jeremy earlier out to Jeremy who shakes his head and backs away.

"After the last one, no thank you!" he declines most hastily, causing George to glower. "Now, we know that you did something because aren't you and Angelina a couple now?" Jeremy continues, resulting in George's glower to get even deeper.

"Fred went poof so I helped Angelina out, just to end up with us finding out we loved one another and getting together," George has an extremely blasé attitude for someone who has just admitted to stealing his twin's girlfriend. "As to Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, it was me who thought up the plan to open a shop, it was me who planned it all and wrote it down – Fred did nothing!" he continues, shooting a dirty look at his identical twin who reciprocates it without a word.

Sensing the tension building further, Jeremy decides to take hold of the conversation before the inevitable 'no I set it up' comes from Fred. "So, Fred, do you think that you can forgive George for taking Angelina from you?" he decides to ask this question first, for this could be the thing that stems happiness and therefore make his job one hell of a lot easier.

Fred contemplates the question for a moment before nodding his head. "We are twins, after all, and though I would have preferred it if he had kept his damned hands off my girlfriend, I can just about accept that and move on," he explains his reasoning as to why he can forgive someone such a heinous thing – he did, after all, steal his girlfriend.

"George, can you forgive Fred sleeping with Angelina when very drunk?" Jeremy asks the other twin, the similarity in their appearance rendering his brain stupid because he cannot accept that this is not the same person.

"Yes, I can because I know how drunk Fred can get," he smiles slightly at his brother, this alleviating some of the tension but not entirely because the whole debacle regarding the shop and business is still going on. "However, I stand by my word that I founded the business so if Fred wants to leave, he can do but I keep the shop and the name," George has to ruin the sort of happiness building up from his previous statement to bring the issue of the shop up again.

"I think you'll find in third year I suggested that we could begin to make pranks and then sell them when we're older," Fred shoots back at George.

"Who named the shop? Oh yeah, me!" George shouts across the stage at his brother, both of them drawing their wands at the same time. The wizard security guard isn't quick enough to stop them both yelling spells with evil grins on both of their faces… just for the wands to turn into both a rubber rat and a duck, evidence that they both pranked one another.

Just to be on the safe side, the wizard bouncer person casts a shield charm between the pair of them as the entire room, even including the twins, bursts into laughter regarding the whole switched wands thing. Even Jeremy is laughing, this time happy that the prank wasn't directed at him.

"So Fred came up with the concept and then George named the business; who paid for the business?" Jeremy asks the simple question regarding money, just for them both to look at each other, embarrassed.

"Harry Potter donated a thousand galleons for us to begin to refine our products and to get the premises," they recite together, their heads bowed in mirror movements.

"So, one of you had the idea for the shop, one named it, neither of you paid for it… you both evidently come up with the products… what is the issue?" Jeremy realises, rather late, that there isn't really an issue here and that they are just wasting time.

Both brothers exchange grins and shrugs. "We don't know… I guess we sort of own it 50/50," Fred whispers, not wanting to talk too loudly.

"Hallebloodlujah!" Jeremy cries out, throwing his arms in the air. "Generally when two people start a business together, it is fifty/fifty because you both started it! Sheesh, what do they teach you in school today?" he continues, the audience clapping.

"Um… how to turn a cat into a dog," George says with a smile.

"How to fly a broom."

"How to make Snape's hair even greasier."

"No, that was our own lesson," Fred contradicts his brother who smiles. "Oh and also how to escape from a crazy woman called Umbridge who really needs to get out more if she thinks that a few rules would get us all under control!"

The audience bursts out into laughter at this exchange, just as George uses his real wand to move his chair closer to his brother for them to find out the DNA results of the baby.

"So, one of you is the fat-" Jeremy begins until both twins hold their hands up to him at the same time.

"Jeremy, cut the spiel," Fred says seriously, his hand in his pocket to collect the sweets he has brought with him.

"Just tell us who is the dad otherwise we will force these sweets down your throat," George continues, getting his own sweets out of his pocket.

Gulping loudly, Jeremy nods and takes the envelope from the DNA dude who brought it onto the stage, opening it quickly. "The DNA results show that… neither of you is the father – it is Percy Weasley, your brother!" he announces loudly, causing a sound of outrage to come from the audience and utter silence from the twins.

Why can things never be simple? Jeremy thinks to himself as he remembers the complexity of the issues back in America… oh god, why did I join up for this?

The twins exchange a look of fury and stand up. "Ready to tag team, bro?" George asks Fred who nods, knocking fists together.

"Totally," he responds and, with that, they run off the stage to go and find either Angelina or Percy, whomever first.

Jeremy remains standing still, entirely shocked as to both the results and the reaction of the twins. But by the time the twins have Apparated to Mexico where Percy is on holiday, he reacts. "Well, that was a shocker! Unfortunately, folks, that's all we have time for, but the Boy Who Lived shall be on the next show along with a rather strange situation involving showdowns with three people… all of whom are dead… thank you for watching and enjoy your day!" he gives his little spiel and the audience clap him off the stage.

He heads into his dressing room and collapses on the floor, sobbing. "I don't want to do this anymore!" he wails to himself, regretting agreeing to be the mediator for issues in the supernatural world. "I quit!"

But he knows, in his heart, that he hasn't quit until every single bleeding area of the world of the supernatural is sorted out.

Whatcha think?

Please review!

Vicky xx