A/N: Hey everyone, This is my, what, fourth VMars one shot. Uh, it's kind of just a random ramble from Veronica's POV on a certain kind of people in her life. It was inspired by a line from the song 'All At Once' by The Fray (who rock by the way, if you don't know who I'm talking about then you're missing out. They're awesome!). Anyway, uh, Read & Review! Thanks a bunch, ya'll! -Mac
Disclaimer: I don't own Veronica Mars. But I do own Season 1 & 2 on DVD, and the soundtrack so I'm still happy. The line below in bold and italics is from 'All At Once' by The Fray. (Check 'em out if you haven't heard of them. I think most people have though).
Those People
"There are certain people, you just keep coming back to."
There are certain people that you meet in your lifetime that you can't escape. They are the people you find your way back to, sometimes unexplainably, with no exception due to time, distance, history or past troubles. They are the people who influence you even when they're not around. They are the people you'll always remember no matter what--even after years without talking to the them or seeing them. They are the people that the most random, insignificant things remind you of all the time. They are the people who can never quite stay in your past. They are the people who invade your present. They are the people who stick with you long into the future. They are the people you find you can't live without because they are a big part of your life. They are the people you can't leave behind.
I am sure you know the people I am talking about. Everybody has them. I have them. Yes, even I, Veronica Mars, who makes no lasting attachments with anyone and pushes away the people I feel I care too deeply for--probably due to some psychological fear of loss acquired after Lilly Kane's death--have people I can't seem to let go of no matter how hard I try or how many times I attempt to. Or rather, make that a person. If I, the loner extaordinaire, can manage it, anyone can.
Who, you ask, is this person? There are many people in my life I can talk about--vividly even--but only one fits this description. That's because I'm not talking about the people in your life that are always there. There's a difference between the people who are always there and the people who you wish could always be there--the people you have to lose before you can get them back. The people who can waltz in and out of your life, but never stay with you or away from you for very long. So it's not my father, or Wallace even, they're always there. Always. They're even there when I don't want them there.
A long time ago, I probably would have had two. The old Veronica would have had two. But then one of them died and the other became unreliable. Back then I was sure that no matter what happened, Lilly would be in my life. I never pictured she wouldn't make it to graduation, college, life in general. She was going to be my best friend forever. Pathetic I know, but in my mind that was our future. Growing old together, it seemed perfect. Then there was Duncan. We seemed so right together. I never thought about life without him. In my little, naive, cookie-cutter fantasy of the perfect life I would would have married Duncan and even if we had troubles--which we never did--we would be okay.
Then Duncan dumped me out of nowhere. Then Lilly was murdered. Suddenly my two little marks on that list evaporated. While Duncan still technically could be on the list because I haven't exactly given him a chance to find his way back to me, I'll save both me and you the time and say after he vanished from my life...twice, he's off that list.
So who got themselves the honor of making my list after my only other two deserted me? Who? Well, that would be the last person I ever thought possible.
Logan Echolls.
First question, I see it coming. Wouldn't he have made the list in the beginning, back with Lilly and Duncan? Because the four of you seemed so close. The answer, no. Plain and simple, no. Logan and I did have a certain connection back then, I'll admit it, but it wasn't strong enough for me to think he would always be in my life. Plus, he was that person for Lilly--or so I thought. I had always--naively again, believe me I know--believed that no matter how boy-crazy Lilly got, no matter how many other guys she was with, no matter how much they fought they would be able to stick it out.
Well we know how that turned out, now don't we.
I had an answer for everything back then. Lilly would get over her wild and crazy stage and want to settle down. She would realize that those other guys didn't care for her the way Logan did. The fighting was just something they did. It had become as much a part of their relationship as they were. They weren't the perfect couple, obviously, but they seemed good together. I thought that they would stay together, I never thought it would end the way it did. I guess I just always looked for the happy ending.
But how did Logan make my list--rather become my list? He basically snuck up on me on me in all senses. Over time he would become anything and everything to me. That is how he made my list.
Logan took over my life, in a way, in every aspect. He slipped out of my life many times, but we always found our way back to each other. I can keep him in my life without thoughts of past guilt, suspicions, pain or tragedy.We do our best to start fresh everytime we start over.
Some people think these people come in to your life by fate. Because you were destined to be with these people. I don't believe that. I don't believe in fate. Logan didn't become an important part of my life until after Lilly died. And even more so after Duncan slipped out of my life for the second time. I don't believe it was fate that Aaron Echolls murdered Lilly. It wasn't fate that my mother had an affair with Jake Kane and I could have been Duncan's sister. It wasn't fate that Cassidy Casablancas blew up the bus--and killed all those people. It wasn't fate that Meg died and left a kid for Duncan to raise. Fate, for me, doesn't exist.
Of course, there has to be something that brings us back to each other. That brings me back to him. For some reason, I can forget all of our history, all of our problems, and all of our baggage and come back to him. I can't explain it. I am just compelled to be with him...all the time. I don't know what it is. I've never been able to get him out of my life--or my head for that matter. I've never known how to handle him. He can get under my skin, and into my head, with such ease. It's scary, yet in some ways...comforting.
While sometimes I can push him away, somehow when I need him he still always turns up. Always.
I can love him with all my heart and I can hate him with a vengeance. I can push, shove, beat him away from me--make him leave. I can pull him to me, hold on to him for dear life. I can break him down until there's nothing left or I can build him up to be more than he's ever been before. And he can do the same for me. I can never fully let him go--the same way he can never fully let me go. But why would I ever want to?
Our relationship is complicated to describe. We've been through so much together and apart. We've been friends, enemies, and so much more. Our relationship has spanned years and continents, lives have been ruined, blood has been shed. Epic, that's what we are. I remember every word Logan said that night--even if he doesn't. Our history has been bumpy, rougher than most people have it. But we survived it. And somewhere along the way it became hard to breathe without him. It became hard to exist without him.
He was what kept me going, kept me together. And everytime I lost him it felt like I could just die inside. Like someone had stolen the breath from my lips. Everything seems so drear and isolated when he wasn't there. Then he would come back, or I would seek him out, and it would be like for the first second everything fell back into place. Like everything would be perfect from then on. But after the first second, it was just as hard as it was the first, second, third, fourth, fifth time around. It never got any easier, and I doubt it ever will. We have to work hard, but if we stay together I think it could work. Because he is that person for me and I am that person for him. It has to work.
I don't want to spend my whole life in a game of charge and retreat with Logan. We rush into things--and the timing is just off--then we bail, running for our lives. For once I want our start to be thought out, to go slow and make things work. Maybe this time is our chance. Our chance to make up for all the mistakes we made in our past. Our chance to be what the other needs. Our chance to have a legitimate relationship. Our chance to not fear the day one of us is forced to walk away. Our chance to wanted and needed, not used. Our chance to just be. Our chance to stay together for real.
Our chance...but never our last chance. Because maybe this time will work, and maybe it won't. Either way, I'm here and he's here, we'll make it last as long we can. Maybe we'll be in for the long haul this time. If not, I'll just wait for our next chance to come around. And hope it doesn't take too long.
A/N2: Uh, well, I didn't know exactly know how to end this. I'm thinking about rewriting it or adding to it, so if you've got any ideas or constructive criticism send it my way. Thanks! R&R! -Mac