Two's Company…
"What are you…Archie!"
"Oh God, Horatio, I'm sorry… I…"
"Wait… Archie! Let me… wait…"
**********************************
HMS Renown – Later that day…
Oh God Archie no. You didn't, please, tell me that you did not do what my heart is trying to tell me is true. But it is no good, even if I could ignore my heart, I cannot deny the evidence of my own eyes. Even if your coat weren't so clumsily buttoned, your hair speckled with dust from the floor where you have been lying, the guilt in your eyes before you quickly duck away from my gaze tells me all I need to know. Everything except for one thing. Why Archie, Why?
***
You know. I know you know almost as clearly as if I'd told you myself, and I can't look at you as I follow Bush up onto the deck. I can still taste him, can still feel the touch of his hands on my skin, and I cannot look at you with such memories still fresh in my mind. But I had to do it, can't you see that? I had to… you left me no choice Horatio…
***
Well you're in trouble now Mr Bush, that small inner voice that seems to enjoy nothing more than stating the damned obvious informs me as I make my way hurriedly out into the sunshine filled air at the shouted orders of Captain Sawyer. I may not be the most perceptive person in the world, but even I could hardly fail to notice the expression on Horatio's face, which told me quite plainly that he would more than happily strangle me with his bare hands. What have I gotten myself involved in this time?
***
You're standing next to me, and I can smell the sweat and the sex that still cling to your skin after your little tryst in the hold. I want to run, to get as far away from you as possible, but discipline reasserts itself after a brief struggle and I force myself to remain in my place. The captain drones on, issuing orders that I can barely hear over the screaming of my thoughts and I long for the minute that he dismisses us so I can make my escape. How could you do this to me Archie? How, after everything…
***
I don't look at you, but I can feel the tenseness that controls your whole body, rooting you to the spot instead of letting you escape, as I know you must want to. It is only natural – how could you bear to stay beside someone who has done what I have? You are strong Horatio and I am not, always able to keep your desires in check, your impulses well under control. You are strong and I am weak – which is why I had to do this in the first place.
***
Of course it didn't mean anything. Just as well really, as the name that tore from his lips as he pounded into me sure as hell wasn't mine. Not that I was particularly shocked – anyone would have to be blind not to notice the way those two look at each other. Which was why I was a little surprised that such an opportunity had presented itself in the first place, but as Buckland made such a point of telling us the other day – 'Never look a gift-horse in the mouth'… or anywhere else for that matter… I just never foresaw such complications…
***
How long is the infernal man going to continue? A voice inside me screams desperately. If I didn't know it was completely absurd I'd almost say he was torturing me on purpose, that somehow he knew standing between my best friend and his lover was the last place on earth I wanted to be and therefore had decided to make me stay there for as long as possible. Why did this have to happen? If only you had waited Archie, given me time to explain…
***
I'm sorry Horatio, I'm so sorry… I want to tell you that more than anything, but the steady gaze of the Captain as he paces in front of us means I cannot even look at you let alone throw myself at your feet to beg your forgiveness as I would so dearly love to. Not that I would ever be able to bring myself to do so – I would not force you into a position where you felt you had to be kind rather than follow your true feelings and push me away. Again. And if there is one thing I cannot stand it is your pity – I would do anything rather than have to see that look in your eyes, the one that showed all the compassion and kindness that your gentle soul is filled with but not the one thing that I wanted to see there. Hell, had even expected to see there. I was a fool. And now I am surely paying for it…
***
"Lieutenant Hornblower!"
Oh he's in for it now. Not that I was paying much attention myself, but the expression on my face must have had at least some resemblance to one of interest, whereas Horatio's clearly had not. I can't help feeling slightly guilty, though how was I to know that a harmless bit of fun would cause so many problems? And one thing I know for certain – Mr Kennedy certainly needed it. It's been a long time since I heard such desperation in a man's voice, and never let it be said that I'd turn away from a man in his hour of need…
***
It takes all my self-restraint not to jump as the loud voice of the Captain breaks through my tortured thoughts. Too late I realise that he must have been talking to me for a considerable amount of time without my having paid the slightest bit of attention to him – something that would be unforgivable even in the case of a normal captain, something which James Sawyer most definitely was not.
***
Dear God. As if what you've just done to him wasn't enough, now you've gone and gotten him in trouble with that madman as well. Will you ever learn? I berate myself as Sawyer, clearly noticing Horatio's distracted state, began to hurl abuse at him. If it weren't for me he would have been listening, if I hadn't been so stupid as to imagine that he might… no. I cannot think of it. I am a damned fool and my foolishness has caused nothing but pain to one I care so deeply for. One who I would do anything for, anything if only he would let me…
***
"So you do not feel the need to listen to your Captain when he is talking to you, is that right Mr. Hornblower?"
What am I supposed to say to that? Whatever I say I am equally damned – if I agree with him I've as good as admitted I was not paying attention, but if I deny it he will accuse me of lying at best or conspiring against him at worst. And given his moods of late I really do not relish the idea of finding out which way his temper will swing this time… I don't think the truth would help much either – "Forgive me Captain, but I was too busy thinking of my best friend making love with your Second Lieutenant to pay proper attention to what you were saying. It makes it rather hard for a man to listen when his heart is being torn in two…" ? It'd be as good as signing my own death warrant. Which maybe wouldn't be such a bad idea in the circumstances… at least then I wouldn't have to see, wouldn't have to know that you were…
***
Why can't he just leave him alone? I want to say something, to intervene in some way and tell Sawyer that it was my fault, that I am the one who should be punished. I even find myself wishing that a stray French Frigate would suddenly loom over the horizon, anything to distract his attention away from Horatio. But the sea remains clear, and I am forced to listen to the unsteady joke of a man who controls this ship lashing into Horatio with his acid tongue. If, by some miracle, he had not hated me before, he most certainly will now. I cannot stand this, I have to do something, anything…
***
He is going to see me hang. The thought echoes through my brain as I listen to the captain's tirade against me, but somehow I am unable to bring myself to care. I can feel Archie shift beside me, can even imagine the quick shooting glances that I have come to expect whenever we face trouble together that bring so much comfort. Except that we're not facing it together now are we Archie? You have left me. Maybe to hang would be a blessing after this, for how can I continue on without you? Maybe…
***
"Look out – it's tearing!"
I jump at the shout as Wellard yells down from the rigging. Maybe there is a God after all. Sawyer, his attention suddenly distracted from Horatio, quickly turns to attack this newly perceived threat to his authority. I flinch at his words, knowing that this will more likely than not mean another beating for the poor lad, but I cannot help the overwhelming sense of relief that washes over me at the realisation that the man standing next to me is safe. He may hate me, loathe what I am, but he is safe. That is all that matters…
***
Letting out a breath I had not realised I had been holding I once again marvel at the good luck that seems to follow Lieutenant Hornblower wherever he goes. I'd almost say he had some kind of guardian angel watching over him – if I believed in that sort of thing that is – which I most definitely do not. I can't deny that the man certainly has a way of getting out of trouble though…
***
"Captain Sawyer…"
What is he doing? Is the man completely insane? But I should have known really. Somehow in my contemplation of his good fortune I had let something slip my mind - Horatio Hornblower has one calling in life – to be a bloody martyr. He'd rather the captain continue ranting at him until he has him arrested on God only knows what dreamt up charge than see that bloody wet mid-shipman get another thrashing. Fool, does he want to get himself killed? Someone should sew his damned mouth shut…
***
Before I even realise what I am doing I've stepped in front of him, trying to keep him back and away from danger.
"Horatio!" I hiss, taking advantage of the Captain's distracted state to drag you back to where we had been standing. "Are you out of your…" I stop suddenly, the need to protect you from the wrath of Sawyer that had momentarily blocked out the fact we were not exactly on the best of terms receding enough to make my earlier awkwardness come flooding back with full force. I can do nothing more than stare at you, begging you with all my heart to desist from the suicidal course you seem hell-bent on pursuing.
***
Out of my mind Archie? Is that what you're going to say? Who knows, maybe I am. After all, only a man who had taken leave of his senses would be able to resist you… especially when you're looking at me like that, your concern written all over your face and your blue eyes so full of hurt that I don't think I can stand it and have to look away. I cannot allow this, cannot allow you to affect me so. Sawyer is still laying into Wellard and gritting my teeth I take a step towards them, intending to stop this before things get out of hand. But you stop me again, this time your hand firmly capturing my wrist and stopping me in my tracks.
"Horatio, don't…" your voice is firm, but the trembling of the hand that holds my arm betrays your fear, your desperation. Why Archie, why do you care so much? Would it matter to you if I were to be flogged the same as Wellard surely will be when the captain has finally finished screaming at him? Don't look at me like that, you have no right – not after what you have done to me. I am the one who should be hurting damn it! You got what you wanted…
I think for a moment that you are going to say something, your eyes meet mine and I allow myself to think that maybe, just maybe I was mistaken, that you do not hate me as I had first thought. But no, there it is, the flash of disgust, with anger following quickly on its heels as your mind registers the fact that I have dared to touch you, I who have been dirtied by the touch of another in a way that you would never allow yourself to be soiled. You cannot even bare to look at me now and with a sudden burst of anger you pull away from my grasp, fleeing to the sanctuary below. I almost follow you, but cannot bring myself to face the fact that you might push me away again. Defeated I remain on deck for a moment before going to my own cabin, shutting the door behind me and trying hard to force down the tears as I climb onto my bunk. Horatio…
Well that was close. Don't think I'd have had the nerve or should I say the stupidity to intervene there as Archie did, but I'm glad that he did. No sense in two getting punished when one would suffice to calm Sawyer's need for blood. Of course I'm sorry about the boy, but beatings happen regardless of whether your Captain happens to be insane or not. Refusing to waste any more time thinking of it I survey the deck, looking for something to keep myself occupied with and soon manage to push the afternoon's occurrences out of my mind.
"What are you…Archie!"
"Oh God, Horatio, I'm sorry… I…"
"Wait… Archie! Let me… wait…"
**********************************
HMS Renown – Later that day…
Oh God Archie no. You didn't, please, tell me that you did not do what my heart is trying to tell me is true. But it is no good, even if I could ignore my heart, I cannot deny the evidence of my own eyes. Even if your coat weren't so clumsily buttoned, your hair speckled with dust from the floor where you have been lying, the guilt in your eyes before you quickly duck away from my gaze tells me all I need to know. Everything except for one thing. Why Archie, Why?
***
You know. I know you know almost as clearly as if I'd told you myself, and I can't look at you as I follow Bush up onto the deck. I can still taste him, can still feel the touch of his hands on my skin, and I cannot look at you with such memories still fresh in my mind. But I had to do it, can't you see that? I had to… you left me no choice Horatio…
***
Well you're in trouble now Mr Bush, that small inner voice that seems to enjoy nothing more than stating the damned obvious informs me as I make my way hurriedly out into the sunshine filled air at the shouted orders of Captain Sawyer. I may not be the most perceptive person in the world, but even I could hardly fail to notice the expression on Horatio's face, which told me quite plainly that he would more than happily strangle me with his bare hands. What have I gotten myself involved in this time?
***
You're standing next to me, and I can smell the sweat and the sex that still cling to your skin after your little tryst in the hold. I want to run, to get as far away from you as possible, but discipline reasserts itself after a brief struggle and I force myself to remain in my place. The captain drones on, issuing orders that I can barely hear over the screaming of my thoughts and I long for the minute that he dismisses us so I can make my escape. How could you do this to me Archie? How, after everything…
***
I don't look at you, but I can feel the tenseness that controls your whole body, rooting you to the spot instead of letting you escape, as I know you must want to. It is only natural – how could you bear to stay beside someone who has done what I have? You are strong Horatio and I am not, always able to keep your desires in check, your impulses well under control. You are strong and I am weak – which is why I had to do this in the first place.
***
Of course it didn't mean anything. Just as well really, as the name that tore from his lips as he pounded into me sure as hell wasn't mine. Not that I was particularly shocked – anyone would have to be blind not to notice the way those two look at each other. Which was why I was a little surprised that such an opportunity had presented itself in the first place, but as Buckland made such a point of telling us the other day – 'Never look a gift-horse in the mouth'… or anywhere else for that matter… I just never foresaw such complications…
***
How long is the infernal man going to continue? A voice inside me screams desperately. If I didn't know it was completely absurd I'd almost say he was torturing me on purpose, that somehow he knew standing between my best friend and his lover was the last place on earth I wanted to be and therefore had decided to make me stay there for as long as possible. Why did this have to happen? If only you had waited Archie, given me time to explain…
***
I'm sorry Horatio, I'm so sorry… I want to tell you that more than anything, but the steady gaze of the Captain as he paces in front of us means I cannot even look at you let alone throw myself at your feet to beg your forgiveness as I would so dearly love to. Not that I would ever be able to bring myself to do so – I would not force you into a position where you felt you had to be kind rather than follow your true feelings and push me away. Again. And if there is one thing I cannot stand it is your pity – I would do anything rather than have to see that look in your eyes, the one that showed all the compassion and kindness that your gentle soul is filled with but not the one thing that I wanted to see there. Hell, had even expected to see there. I was a fool. And now I am surely paying for it…
***
"Lieutenant Hornblower!"
Oh he's in for it now. Not that I was paying much attention myself, but the expression on my face must have had at least some resemblance to one of interest, whereas Horatio's clearly had not. I can't help feeling slightly guilty, though how was I to know that a harmless bit of fun would cause so many problems? And one thing I know for certain – Mr Kennedy certainly needed it. It's been a long time since I heard such desperation in a man's voice, and never let it be said that I'd turn away from a man in his hour of need…
***
It takes all my self-restraint not to jump as the loud voice of the Captain breaks through my tortured thoughts. Too late I realise that he must have been talking to me for a considerable amount of time without my having paid the slightest bit of attention to him – something that would be unforgivable even in the case of a normal captain, something which James Sawyer most definitely was not.
***
Dear God. As if what you've just done to him wasn't enough, now you've gone and gotten him in trouble with that madman as well. Will you ever learn? I berate myself as Sawyer, clearly noticing Horatio's distracted state, began to hurl abuse at him. If it weren't for me he would have been listening, if I hadn't been so stupid as to imagine that he might… no. I cannot think of it. I am a damned fool and my foolishness has caused nothing but pain to one I care so deeply for. One who I would do anything for, anything if only he would let me…
***
"So you do not feel the need to listen to your Captain when he is talking to you, is that right Mr. Hornblower?"
What am I supposed to say to that? Whatever I say I am equally damned – if I agree with him I've as good as admitted I was not paying attention, but if I deny it he will accuse me of lying at best or conspiring against him at worst. And given his moods of late I really do not relish the idea of finding out which way his temper will swing this time… I don't think the truth would help much either – "Forgive me Captain, but I was too busy thinking of my best friend making love with your Second Lieutenant to pay proper attention to what you were saying. It makes it rather hard for a man to listen when his heart is being torn in two…" ? It'd be as good as signing my own death warrant. Which maybe wouldn't be such a bad idea in the circumstances… at least then I wouldn't have to see, wouldn't have to know that you were…
***
Why can't he just leave him alone? I want to say something, to intervene in some way and tell Sawyer that it was my fault, that I am the one who should be punished. I even find myself wishing that a stray French Frigate would suddenly loom over the horizon, anything to distract his attention away from Horatio. But the sea remains clear, and I am forced to listen to the unsteady joke of a man who controls this ship lashing into Horatio with his acid tongue. If, by some miracle, he had not hated me before, he most certainly will now. I cannot stand this, I have to do something, anything…
***
He is going to see me hang. The thought echoes through my brain as I listen to the captain's tirade against me, but somehow I am unable to bring myself to care. I can feel Archie shift beside me, can even imagine the quick shooting glances that I have come to expect whenever we face trouble together that bring so much comfort. Except that we're not facing it together now are we Archie? You have left me. Maybe to hang would be a blessing after this, for how can I continue on without you? Maybe…
***
"Look out – it's tearing!"
I jump at the shout as Wellard yells down from the rigging. Maybe there is a God after all. Sawyer, his attention suddenly distracted from Horatio, quickly turns to attack this newly perceived threat to his authority. I flinch at his words, knowing that this will more likely than not mean another beating for the poor lad, but I cannot help the overwhelming sense of relief that washes over me at the realisation that the man standing next to me is safe. He may hate me, loathe what I am, but he is safe. That is all that matters…
***
Letting out a breath I had not realised I had been holding I once again marvel at the good luck that seems to follow Lieutenant Hornblower wherever he goes. I'd almost say he had some kind of guardian angel watching over him – if I believed in that sort of thing that is – which I most definitely do not. I can't deny that the man certainly has a way of getting out of trouble though…
***
"Captain Sawyer…"
What is he doing? Is the man completely insane? But I should have known really. Somehow in my contemplation of his good fortune I had let something slip my mind - Horatio Hornblower has one calling in life – to be a bloody martyr. He'd rather the captain continue ranting at him until he has him arrested on God only knows what dreamt up charge than see that bloody wet mid-shipman get another thrashing. Fool, does he want to get himself killed? Someone should sew his damned mouth shut…
***
Before I even realise what I am doing I've stepped in front of him, trying to keep him back and away from danger.
"Horatio!" I hiss, taking advantage of the Captain's distracted state to drag you back to where we had been standing. "Are you out of your…" I stop suddenly, the need to protect you from the wrath of Sawyer that had momentarily blocked out the fact we were not exactly on the best of terms receding enough to make my earlier awkwardness come flooding back with full force. I can do nothing more than stare at you, begging you with all my heart to desist from the suicidal course you seem hell-bent on pursuing.
***
Out of my mind Archie? Is that what you're going to say? Who knows, maybe I am. After all, only a man who had taken leave of his senses would be able to resist you… especially when you're looking at me like that, your concern written all over your face and your blue eyes so full of hurt that I don't think I can stand it and have to look away. I cannot allow this, cannot allow you to affect me so. Sawyer is still laying into Wellard and gritting my teeth I take a step towards them, intending to stop this before things get out of hand. But you stop me again, this time your hand firmly capturing my wrist and stopping me in my tracks.
"Horatio, don't…" your voice is firm, but the trembling of the hand that holds my arm betrays your fear, your desperation. Why Archie, why do you care so much? Would it matter to you if I were to be flogged the same as Wellard surely will be when the captain has finally finished screaming at him? Don't look at me like that, you have no right – not after what you have done to me. I am the one who should be hurting damn it! You got what you wanted…
I think for a moment that you are going to say something, your eyes meet mine and I allow myself to think that maybe, just maybe I was mistaken, that you do not hate me as I had first thought. But no, there it is, the flash of disgust, with anger following quickly on its heels as your mind registers the fact that I have dared to touch you, I who have been dirtied by the touch of another in a way that you would never allow yourself to be soiled. You cannot even bare to look at me now and with a sudden burst of anger you pull away from my grasp, fleeing to the sanctuary below. I almost follow you, but cannot bring myself to face the fact that you might push me away again. Defeated I remain on deck for a moment before going to my own cabin, shutting the door behind me and trying hard to force down the tears as I climb onto my bunk. Horatio…
Well that was close. Don't think I'd have had the nerve or should I say the stupidity to intervene there as Archie did, but I'm glad that he did. No sense in two getting punished when one would suffice to calm Sawyer's need for blood. Of course I'm sorry about the boy, but beatings happen regardless of whether your Captain happens to be insane or not. Refusing to waste any more time thinking of it I survey the deck, looking for something to keep myself occupied with and soon manage to push the afternoon's occurrences out of my mind.