Pretending Pants: Adventures in the Disenchanted Forrest
Chapter One: Not Your Average Princesses
It was a normal day. Sam had gotten wind of a haunted forest. Not the first report of such they had gotten before, but this one had actual proof. People in the town adjacent it were going missing, mangled bodies were found on the outskirts of the forest, the townsfolk wouldn't go near it unless they absolutely had to, and strange noises were coming from it. Dean had simply asked the location of the place and they hit the road.
"So get this, one of the people who live in the town said they found . . . a poison apple." Sam said, looking through the newspapers on the dash of the impala. Dean grunted.
"Please, none of that fairy tale crap again."
"It sounds like something to do with reenactment murders."
"What makes you think it's up our ally then?" Dean stared at the road in front of him, his hands on autopilot from driving so long.
"I don't know . . . it just feels like our kinda case." Dean glared at the steering wheel in front of him.
"I swear Sammy, if we go out there and it's just some nutjob serial killer-,"
"Then what? We'll leave? What's the difference between stopping a serial killer and hunting a monster?" Dean paused and glanced at his brother.
"There are already people for hunting people, that's what. And I don't like doing their job for them." Sam rolled his eyes and Dean continued the drive to Portland Oregon. When they got there they dumped their stuff in a crappy motel room and got on their hiking gear, for Dean that was just his weapons and some candy. For Sam that was hiking boots, his weapons, thermal wear. The works. They were just about to head out, Dean had his hand on the doorknob when Castiel appeared in front of him, leaving Cas pushed up against the door and Dean's hand scarily close to his hip.
"Personal space, Cas. Remember?" Cas shrugged and Dean stepped away, bumping into Sam, behind him. He felt like he was in a very uncomfortable man-sandwich. He elbowed Sam out of the way and Sam threw a bitch face at him. "What are you here for, Cas?"
"We've gotten wind of this particular forest. I understand telling you to leave it alone won't work, but I wanted to warn you to be careful. Whatever it is, it's powerful."
"Do you know what it is?" Dean asked the angel. Castiel shook his head.
"We do not. We have only heard tale of it's power. I was actually hoping to accompany you, just to insure your safety." Dean threw a look at Sam.
"Well. If Cas is intervening that means it's up our alley." Sam said, shrugging.
"Dude, are you seriously using this moment to say 'I told you so?" Dean shouted, glaring at Sammy.
"Well . . . I did . . ."
"I do not understand what is happening here . . ." Castiel started, glancing slowly in between the boys as though he were dealing with two ticking bombs, or wild animals. "But we need to move on. Whatever it is is going to kill again." The boys finally agreed and Dean shoved Cas out the door and into the impala. Throughout the drive Cas remained pensive, staring out the windows and into the crystal blue sky. Dean glanced back at him every now and then in the rear view mirror but decided to shrug it off as one of those weird angel things. In fact, the entire trip was quiet, not even more gloating from Sam. Some sort of oddity settled in on them the closer they got to the forest, the more everything felt like a dream. He parked baby on the edge of the forest, hidden from view of the people driving by in a little inlet. They all piled out of the car, gathered up their gear, and started walking into the trees.
The longer they walked, the more sluggish Dean felt. He looked over at Cas, a dream like haze on the angel's face, and then at Sammy to see he had the same expression.
"Do you guys . . . um . . . feel funny?" Dean asked slowly, his tongue feeling thick with the words.
"Yes . . ." Cas answered him, running into a tree and stumbling back to rub his nose. "Like I'm half asleep, which is odd, because angels don't sleep." Sam nodded in agreement, tripping over a log and sprawling out on the ground. Dean rushed to help him but only managed to trip over his own feet and land on top of him. He heard all the air whooshing out of Sam's lungs and felt Castiel's slightly shaky hands helping him up. They continued on, stumbling and slurring. The further in they got, the worse it became.
"Maybe . . . we should turn . . . back . . ." Dean forced out of his jaw which would hardly open anymore.
"At this point . . . we'll never make it . . ." Cas left his sentence unfinished, assuming Dean would know what he meant. Sam was the first to collapse. His brother stumbled over something and fell to the ground, frozen. His eyes were open, and he was breathing shallowly, but he wasn't moving, and he couldn't get back up.
"Sammy . . . c'mon!" Dean tried to shout, his voice coming out like a croak. Dean turned his body towards Cas. "Help . . ." he started to croak, but Cas was already on the ground as well, in the same state. Dean tried to walk towards his brother but he ended up falling too, as if the earth were trying to tether him to it.
Dean stumbled face down and groggily blinked at the black boot sitting in front of him. He followed the boot up and up and up. It led to a pale leg, covered in tattoos, high wasted shorts with a black shirt tucked in, and a girl with a bitch face to rival Sam's wearing a red hooded cape.
"Happy, it's just humans." The girl shouted over her ink splattered shoulder. Another girl came into view. She was shorter, had black hair and glasses and she was covered with tattoos as well. She wore overalls with a yellow beanie. Both of them held weapons in their hands. Dean squinted, the fog doing weird things to his eyes. The girl with the red cloak had a bow and arrow, and Happy had a sword.
"Humans? We'd better get them out of here before whatever is doing the killing finds them. Goodness knows it doesn't like humans."
"Hmm." The cloaked girl leaned forward, inspecting Dean's face. "I'm not dragging their heavy asses all the way back to the boarder. A bunch of humans aren't my responsibility." Happy got closer to Cas, and turned him over. He gazed up at her, his blue eyes foggy. Happy gasped.
"Red this one isn't a human, it's an angel." Red's attention was snapped away from Dean and she stalked over to her friend, her boots not making so much as a whisper on the ground. Dean tried to tell her to stop, to leave him alone, he even reached out his hand towards her ankle, but whatever was in this fog was leaving him nearly paralyzed. "Maybe he can help us." Happy knelt down in front of him and ran a hand along his cheekbone.
"Yeah or maybe he's just another douche with wings here to 'observe' like the other one." Red glared down at Castiel. "Let's just leave them here, c'mon Happy, we have work to do."
"But Red . . ."
"Oh don't give me that crap. Look at them! They're all bulky. You couldn't lift the giant's left leg, let alone his entire body. Even if both of us managed to drag one of them, we'd still have to come back for the other two and by then it might be too late."
"Why don't we just release them from the fog and let them leave?" Red glanced over to Sam, sputtering on the ground, starting to convulse. Dean wanted to crawl over towards his brother. He managed to thrust his hand in Sammy's direction, and some sort of a noise escaped his mouth.
"They aren't just hikers, Happy. They're here with an angel, they are here for a reason."
"Why do we have to assume it's a bad one? They could be here to help us!" Red's cold brown eyes didn't leave Sammy.
"They don't look like they'll be much help." She said, smirking.
"Well if we would just release them-,"
"Ugh. Fine, Happy! You get Angel face, I'll get the plaid pack." Red started to walk over to Sam, but she stopped and glared at Happy.
"If they screw this up, it's on your head." Happy finally glared back at her.
"There isn't much left to screw up, now is there?"
"There is always something to lose." Red knelt down next to Sammy and put her hand on his forehead, brushing back his hair as Sammy looked up at her with frightened eyes.
"L-l-leave . . ." Dean sputtered, trying to tell her to leave his brother the hell alone. Red cast an amused glance over his way.
"Hush now, your turn is next." Red lowered her lips to Sam's and kissed him. Dean was entirely confused for a moment before realizing, this was the enchanted forest. These were fairy tale characters. Red was Red Riding Hood, and Happy was . . . maybe one of those dwarf things from Snow White . . . of course any curse put over them would be solved with a kiss. Red broke away from Sam who lay on the ground, gasping for air. "Feel better, big guy?" Sam nodded up at her and tried to sit up. Red put a hand on his chest. "Take it slow, the curse will wear off but if you try and stand now, you'll be dizzy." Then Red got up and walked towards Dean. Dean hadn't realized he had started to shake, his entire body wracked with spasms. Red knelt down to him and pressed her warm lips to his cold ones. Dean closed his eyes and felt the curse roll off of him, like a layer of extra weight melting into the forest floor. He found he was able to control his body again and put his hand on the back of Red's neck to deepen the kiss. He heard a disgusted sound from Sammy and Red grunted, shoving him away and wiping off her red tinted mouth.
"Ugh. Humans." She glared down at him. Happy giggled and helped Castiel to his feet, holding onto one of his hands.
"Uhh . . . thank you." Castiel told her politely.
"Oh no, thank you, feathers." Dean wasn't positive but he could've sworn the angel was blushing. A sound like a thousand branches snapping rang through the air, causing both Happy and Red to freeze up. They glanced around them, eyes wide. Red's hand went behind her, to a quiver of arrows strapped to her shoulder. She took her slender bow off her back and held it lightly in her hands. Happy unsheathed a short sword that had been hanging at her side. The edges were wicked and the blade itself was black and inlaid with some sort of gold writing.
"We need to get out of here." Red said, eyes still scanning the forest.
"Right. Your place?" Happy asked.
"It is closest. Let's go, we can make it before nightfall." The two punk versions of fairytale characters started to walk off through the trees, and Dean, always the questioner, stopped.
"Wait, hold on, what makes you think we are going anywhere with you? You almost allowed us to die!" Red turned around and arched a brow.
"The word 'almost' there is key, tiger, and if you want to stay out here after dark, that's fine. But this is the Enchanted Forest, and there's a killer on the loose. All the pretties come out to play during the day, the good guys, the princesses, imagine what comes out at night."
"And for the record, I opted to save you right away!" Happy chimed in.
"What does come out at night?" Castiel asked, voice gruff as ever. Red turned her attention on him.
"Your worst nightmares. Now let's go." Dean looked to Sam, who shrugged. Dean shook his head and followed the insane tattooed girls through the trees, Cas and Sam falling into step beside him. They seemed to be walking in the twilight for an endless amount of time. Now that the curse or whatever the hell it was wasn't fogging over his senses, Dean found he actually enjoyed the forest, if only a small amount. Parts of it were beautiful. There were tiny woodland creatures that would scurry out into the path of the girls sometimes and offer them acorns or berries, which they accepted with a smile. The flowers were incredible, in all different colors. The darker it got, the more of them actually lit up, like a path, activated by their footsteps. Fireflies blinked around them and a soft, gentle breeze caressed their skin. Eventually singing started up, coming from nowhere and everywhere at once. They were surrounded by it. Red glared up at the trees.
"ENOUGH ALREADY! WE KNOW! SHUT UP!" The song wasn't sung in words Dean could understand, but Red seemed to understand enough. Dean looked to Cas, thinking maybe he would know, but Cas shook his head.
"Whatever they are saying, angels do not speak it." Happy popped up beside them.
"They are singing in our language, a language only fairytale creatures understand. They are singing of the dark times, and how all fairytale creatures should remain inside after dark. Also they sing lullaby praises, wishing everyone a happy slumber." Sam scoffed.
"I guess I can see why she's annoyed." Red picked up a rock and threw it into a tree, a small shriek was emitted and she stomped on.
"Because the nice elves are giving her the news?" Dean questioned.
"Yeah but imagine how many times she hears it? 'Good night, stay inside. . . ' it must be like a nagging mother." Sam reasoned. Happy grimaced.
"Most of us actually enjoy the music. Red is . . ." Red punched a tree, screaming. "A special case." Dean's eyebrows were raised as the girl brought her bloody fist away without a word.
"Yeah. Special case seems about right." They stopped at a regular looking tree, Red reached into her pocket and brought out a small twig that was curved around and had beautiful swirling lines carved into it. She leaned over the bark of the tree, putting a hand to it gently before she started writing on it, probably in the same language they had heard spoken earlier. A door appeared in the bark, a large ornate handle popping out of the wood. Red pulled on it and the door opened.
"Wait, you mean we're all supposed to fit . . . inside a tree?" Dean asked. Red glared back at him.
"She's not a tree. That's just her chameleon circuit." Red pet the bark lovingly and whispered something to it. "She's bigger on the inside, asshat, just come on." Red stepped through the door and Happy followed right after her, acting as if nothing were wrong. Castiel looked at both Winchesters for guidance, and then shrugged and followed suit. Sam went in next, and Dean last, looking around one last time before ducking through the door.
Once inside they all stood in a relatively large living room. A fire blazed merrily in the hearth, there were comfortable velvet green couches everywhere, and rugs covering the rustic wooden floor. Around the apartment were paintings, most of them looked like gory scenes from a horror film, blood spattered all over the canvases.
"You have . . . uh . . . quite the taste." Dean commented, nodding towards the portrait over the fireplace of a girl with a hole where her heart should've been, blood dripping down her frame. Red yanked off her combat boots and flung herself onto a couch close to the fire. Dean didn't realize he had been cold until he stepped into Red's cozy living room. He sat in the chair opposite her, closer to the flame. Sam sat on the couch next to Happy, and Castiel stood awkwardly for a moment. Dean shot him a look and gestured to the seat next to him, and Castiel finally understood it would be polite of him to sit down. "Okay, so what exactly is going on here? Fill us in." Red glared at Dean, cynically.
"Why should I?"
"We are here to offer our assistance. You said something about a previous angel you had encountered, what happened?" Cas glossed his words, glancing at Red reassuringly. The glare melted off her face, if only a little.
"Angel was a dick with wings, he came in here, saw we needed help, seemed like he was gonna give us help, and then decided he'd rather just sit back and watch instead. So we kicked him out."
"Do you know his name?"
"Urinal or something." Cas grimaced.
"I know of him. Uriel. He is . . . not the most considerate of angels. But I assure you, we are here to help."
"Well," Happy chimed in, "It all started three weeks ago. Prince Phillip went missing. Everyone was searching the forest, but we couldn't find him anywhere. And then it got worse. Snow turned up dead. Her body was mangled horribly. Two days later was Simba, and a day after that was the little old lady who lived in a shoe. After that the killings got . . . more sporadic. Humans who wondered even remotely close to the forest's edge started going missing, and would turn up within our realm, bodies mangled in just the same way. The killer has now taken five of our own, and three humans. Red and I are on constant patrols, keeping a lookout, but we have no idea who it could be."
"Well . . . the forest is filled with goody two shoes Disney characters . . ." Red raised an eyebrow, and Happy giggled slightly. "Maybe it was one of the bad guys?" Sam asked. "You know . . . the Evil Queen . . ." Sam glanced at Red uneasily, as if he were about to broach an uneasy topic. "The big bad wolf." She sat up straight in her chair.
"It couldn't have been him." She responded, eyes like steel.
"How do you know?" Sam asked, pointedly.
"Because. I hunted that bastard down and skinned him. He's over there." She pointed to a fur rug on the floor. Happy glanced at Red proudly.
"Yeah . . . that was a fun night. Lots of booze afterward." she said cheerfully.
"Besides it couldn't have been any of the quote on quote 'bad guys', they have an enchantment on them, they can't come out in the sunlight. We dated the bodies, the murders all happened during the day. It's one of our people." Red took out a small dagger and twirled it around absentmindedly, causing Sam to give Dean a look.
"How did you date the bodies?" Sam asked.
"We have a forensics lab, we aren't living in the stone age. You're sitting inside what looks to you like a tree, for god's sake! We're more advanced than you are." Red explained.
"Anyone want tea? I'm freezing." Happy got up, brushing her hands off on her pants.
"Sure, I'll take some." Sam said. Dean raised his eyebrows.
"You drink tea?" Sam gave him a bitch face.
"Yes Dean, I drink tea."
"I suppose it would be interesting to try . . ." Castiel said slowly, looking at Dean as if for approval. Dean just grunted and rolled his eyes. Happy disappeared behind a corner into what Dean could only assume was the kitchen.
"Anyway. It's not the bad guys because they can only come out at night. It's got to be one of us. It can't be a human inside the forest either, you've seen what happens when someone who isn't supposed to be here comes in." Red explained.
"Yeah, we get that." Sam grunted, glaring a bit.
"Hey, I didn't personally set that up. Although I'm glad it's there. The humans . . . they don't need to be involved in our world."
"You say humans as if you aren't one . . . what are you, exactly?" Sam questioned. "Not human?"
"In a manner of speaking, we are human, but then . . . we aren't. It's hard to explain. We are fairytale characters come to life. . . I don't remember the beginning. We were put here, in this forest, given our roles, and at first we played them . . . and then we broke character, became ourselves. I mean the little red you remember, she didn't have tattoos did she?"
"No, and not such an attitude either, if I remember right." Dean said.
"Yeah well, have your entire family killed by a wolf and come talk to me about attitude." She spoke quietly, as if she didn't want them to hear the words. The room was filled with a pregnant silence before she spoke again. "We have become something else. And we also live forever. Not to say we're immortal, but we don't age, and we don't die of natural causes. We can be killed though, that much is evident. But this is the first time anyone of us has actually been killed."
"How long have you been here for? In this forest?" Sam asked. Red's eyes glazed over.
"Maybe a few hundred years? It all seems . . . fuzzy sometimes."
"Can you leave the forest? I mean you've been here a few hundred years, but is there something keeping you here?"
"No, we leave on occasion, there isn't exactly a tattoo parlor in the enchanted forest. But something always draws us back. Family, friends, the way things are so . . . comfortable. In the human world we aren't as accepted. If you fall in love and get married, after a while, he'll start to wonder why you don't age." Red looked saddened by that thought. "Here, we don't have to worry about that. Everyone comes and goes, but they always return."
"What about the villains? Can they leave?" Sam asked. Red's face hardened.
"No. They have a binding curse on them. The same one you three faced, but reversed. If they leave, they die."Happy returned with a tray of cups that smelled so good, Dean almost regretted not asking for some tea. Almost. Sam sipped his carefully, and Cas took a huge gulp, not realizing the liquid would be burning hot and sputtered a little bit, looking for all the world like a confused kitten when he glanced down at his drink in wonder.
"It is . . . very hot. Be careful, Sam." Cas said, his burnt tongue making him have a lisp. Dean smiled a little in his direction.
"You three are obviously going to have to stay the night, it is unsafe outside at this hour. I have guest rooms. One for Sam, one for Dean and Cas right?" Red asked, nonchalantly. Happy choked on her tea. Castiel tilted his head to the side in questioning, Sam full out laughed, his head thrown back, and Dean . . . well, Dean just looked from Cas to Red and back again.
"W-what? No. No we all would like separate rooms, if that's possible. And if not, I don't mind sleeping on the couch or something."
"Oh. My bad." Red said, sheathing her dagger and standing up. "I just assumed . . . since y'all are eye fucking all the time. . ."
"I do not understand, how does one copulate with their optical-"
"Never mind, Cas." Dean interrupted the angel before he could go on much further. Red led them into separate guest rooms and then left them to sleep.