Disclaimer: Don't own it.
Author's Note: Continuing my series of Yugioh parodies. Because teasing is the highest form of flattery, right? Or something. Due to school and stuff, it's been a while since I've seen the series. Waking the Dragons was one of my favorites, despite the flaws.
Yugioh In Short: Waking the Dragons
Yugi: God…don't I ever get a break?
Joey: (eyes him) Dude…of course not. You're the main character. You get all the attention, all the glory, and all the girls in exchange for all the mind-crippling angst and horrible plot-driving crap.
Yugi: (ignoring) I mean, really. Just one lousy week without people's souls getting ripped out, evil Egyptian jewelry taking over people's minds, Kaiba throwing extravagant tournaments to beat me, or really femmy villains who want to take over the world—
Dartz: Ahahahahaha! The God Cards! I have the God Cards for my nefarious plans to take over the world! Or destroy it utterly by using Egyptian deities used in a kiddie card game to raise a biblical beast in a supposedly Atlantean ritual. Same diff. Ahahahahaha! Go forth my Eye in the Sky like a Big Pizza Pie and stare at people long enough to give them the willies.
Yugi: (shivers) Oo, willies.
Yami: Indeed. Close the curtains, will you?
Kuriboh: (makes urgent squeaky sounds)
Yugi: Hey, it's that furball with green feet. What is it boy? Did Timmy fall down the—whoa.
They get sucked into some weird portal thing where they are met by Dark Magician Girl.
Dark Magician Girl: Whee! Screen time! (sticks out tongue at the Dark Magician) Anyway, it's a big long mystical story that I know despite being a card in a kiddie game, but you have to pull out this sword thingy from this ice thingy and call out this mondo cool dragon thingy to do something about the Eye in the Sky Like a Big Pizza Pie that Causes Willies.
Yugi: (starry eyed) I feel like King Arthur! (pulls out sword)
Yami: TIMAEUS!
Eye: (is blasted) Ow.
Dartz: (stamps foot and pouts) Darnit! Stupid Pharaoh. I'll get you and your little Yugi too! Go forth my three horsemen of the Apocalypse!
Valon, Rafael, Alistair: We don't ride horses.
Dartz: FINE. Go forth my motorcycle hotties of the Apocalypse! Except you, Alistair. Go see a hairdresser and a fashion agent ASAP, that purple bob and sports bra look is SO not you.
Alistair: Shut up, chlorine tint. I'm too busy for fashion anyway. I have to go destroy Kaiba for my little brother. (angst music plays; the other Bikers of the Apocalypse ignore him)
Later:
Kaiba: (sneezes) Someone has a grudge against me. (pauses; licks a finger and draws a line in the air) Shwing! I've almost beaten my record from last year. Hey, who are you?
Alistair: Duel me, Kaiba!
Kaiba: (sighs) I'm beginning to understand how Yugi feels…
Alistair: Shut up! (launch into angst monologue of babes in war with parallels to Kaiba and Mokuba that is not obvious at all)
Kaiba: (sniff) That's so sad! (wipes cheek and stares in shock at hand) What is this? You fashion freak, you've made me emote! That's it! Go, plot device!
The Fang of Critias: My name is the Fang of Critias!
Kaiba: Details, details.
The Fang of Critias: (dispatches Alistair; mutters to self) How exactly is a self-absorbed egomaniac like this a noble warrior?
Elsewhere:
Tea: Why are we here?
Tristan: Because we got sent this video by Pegasus before he became all comatose and stuff telling us that he had the magical key at his Industrial Illusions place that will fix all the crap that's happening now.
Tea: I know that. I want to know why we watched that tape in the first place. I mean, the last thing that pansy sent us sucked the soul out of Yugi's granddad. Do we not learn or something?
Tristan: (rolls his eyes) Tea, we spend half out lives skipping school and the chance to get decent jobs to follow around a pointy-haired midget while he defends the world from femmy baddies. We obviously lack some significant brain matter.
Tea: Oh.
Mai: Joey Wheeler!
Joey: Mai! Wow! Hubba hubba! (drools over her hot pants)
Mai: (glares at him) Duel me, jerk!
Joey: What? Are you mad because I never called? I told you I was busy—
Mai: (uses her Harpy to try and claw his eyes out)
Joey: Hey! Come on baby, why you gotta be this way? (gets buried under Mai's angsty exposition) Oh, heavy. But that's no call to be mean! Go, dramatic comeback!
The Claw of Hermos: My name is—oh, forget it. Fang said he had this problem too.
Mai: Ahhh!
Valon: (swoops in dramatically) Nuh-uh, mate, this lovely sheila is mine. (carries Mai off)
Joey: Damn!
Tea: You said it! (looks starry eyed) I'm just weak for pointy-haired men in leather. And that accent.
Yami: What? Damn you, Bikers of the Apocalypse! You stole my fangirl! (gets in a duel with Rafael and punts Yugi away to use the Seal of Orihalcos) Take that, Mr. Pointy Sideburns!
Yugi: Yami, you meanie! Whoops. (is sucked away by the Seal).
Yami: Crap! My sidekick!
Everyone else: NOOOOOO~OO!
Rafael: Later, losers.
One gut-twisting character development arc involving Dartz's daddy and little girl, as well as Yami showing off interesting rodeo skills and the return of Miss Annoyance, Rebecca Hawkins later:
Rafael: (redeemed villain pose) Please let me know what I can do to redeem myself.
Tristan: Cut off those sideburns. Seriously, you could put an eye out. (is kicked by Tea) What? You know I'm right—the only villain with decent hair this time is Valon.
Yami: Rafael, take me to Dartz so that I may layeth the smackdown on his candy-ass. Who ends up using my zombified friends against me. Honestly, don't any of these villains have any new ideas?
Dartz: They're not zombies, they're Mirror Knights!
Yami: Their armor is still tacky. And geez Joey…what's with you and brain-washing? I mean, I know that you aren't exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer…
Tea: The shiniest jewel in the set…
Tristan: The flashiest card in the deck…
Yami: …but this is a little much. Next thing you'll tell me, you'll be cruising around as a disembodied spirit in my memories.
Kaiba: Don't be stupid. All your dweeby groupies are a little light in the head. Now, do you mind? We have a femmy villain to defeat and a world to save (not to mention my company's stock prices, which have been sinking like the Hindenburg since Mr. Chlorine Tint showed up). Attack already!
Yami: (blubbers) But I can't attack, they're my fwiends!
Kaiba: If you haven't noticed, they are wearing armor. They'll live. Anyway, who cares?
Yami: I care—wait, why's the atmosphere so heavy all of a sudden? (looks over) Oh, Rafael's having his angst moment. Guess he finally figured out Dartz was responsible for that whole Titanic incident.
Rafael: RARRARRR! DARTZ! YOU TOTALLY SUCK! (is sucked up by the Seal) Crap.
Kaiba: Do I have to do everything myself? (pulls off some really cool card moves only to find out that Dartz destroying his monsters is what the guy wanted) Oops. (gets sucked up)
Dartz: Neener, neener!
Yami: (mutters) Why can't I save the world because of my own skill and not some dramatic deus ex machine like…Pegasus's card spontaneously changing form? Annnnnd…another flashback. How many does that make now? But whatever, it works. Go, Legendary Knights!
Dartz: Go Divine Serpent!
Yami: Go Dark Magician Girl and combined Knight of Destiny! You know, I always wondered what the monsters thought about that. Imagine, polymerizing with Kaiba (shudders)
Kaiba: (freed along with Joey and Yugi): I ain't too happy about the idea either.
Dartz: (Divine Serpent is destroyed). No, you killed Slinky! (gives up soul so Leviathan is born).
All: Crap.
Yami: Alright, that's IT. (Tackles Kaiba and Joey. Yaoi fangirls everywhere swoon)
Tea: (Face contorted in an expression of envy, disgust and anger) Wait, the world is ending and you want to jump their bones? What about mine?
Yami: (emerging victorious with all three God Cards) Sic 'em, Trio of Animal Mecha!
Kaiba: I feel dirty.
Joey: Dude, couldn't you have just asked? I mean, I'm not the one with possessive issues over my freaking cards.
Kaiba: I do not have possessive issues.
Tristan: In the first (American) season, you tore up one of the most valuable cards in the game because you didn't want anyone else to have it. You so have possessive issue.
Kaiba: (crosses arms and pouts)
Yami: (does a little victory dance as the Leviathan falls in the face of his awesomeness) Oh yeah, I ROCK.
Yugi: (Swats Yami in the back of the head. Or, like, shoulder, since he's still short)
Yami: Ow! What was that for?
Yugi: (stomps on Yami's foot) I was still in a gigantic yellow eye for about a month, because someone had an ego trip.
Yami: (looks sheepish) Oh yeah. Sorry. But I did angst a few episodes for it.
Yugi: Grr… (raises a fist)
Yami: Hey! We're still sharing a body, you know. Beating me up only hurts you. And makes people stare.
Kaiba: This is actually quite amusing. Do they do this often?
Joey: (shrug) Kinda. Usually over the last Pocky stick, which doesn't really make sense either. We sometimes bring popcorn and watch.
Yugi: Some friends you are.
Tea: (sighs) And we're in the middle of the ocean of nowhere again. Maybe we can get those random Americans over there to take us home. Because having a bunch of Japanese teenagers on a warship is not a security breach at all. We actually look more American than Japanese anyway. Oh, wait. Yugi looks like Yami, who's Egyptian. And Egyptian with tri-colored hair and purple eyes. Who wears some kind of Greek toga and looks totally hot doing so. (drools) Oh, wait, that's next season.
Everyone: (backs away slowly)