Love Hidden in Plain Sight
Disclaimer: All characters are the property of someone else. J
Summary: Okay, so this is the first fan fiction I've ever been brave enough to post. This is basically a bunch of ideas that I've had floating around in my head since the "It's All in Your Head" episode aired. I tried to put them together in some logical manner, basically filling in some of the gaps from the season, things I wish they would've dealt with on the actual show, but they didn't. I'm certainly a Mark/Susan person, but I'm undecided on the Carsan/Carby thing, so this fic will probably suit both. Ok, so it's more Carsan, but, oh, just read it. J
Spoilers: Yep, especially for the last half of this season, but maybe even from earlier shows, I'm not really sure. It depends on what you consider a "spoiler."
Feedback: Let me know what you think, and I might decide to give this up forever. J And I wrote this really quickly, I spelled checked, but I'm sure there's lots of grammar mistakes, although that doesn't seem to stop anyone else…
Archive: I'm not sure why you'd want to, but if someone does, plus just let me know where I can visit it.
Ok, on with the fan fic… "Love Hidden in Plain Sight"
Part I
He laid his head down in her lap, gently, tenderly; as if he was afraid that she would abandon him at any time. She absently rubbed his head, her mind a million miles away. Mark felt as if he was forcing her to stay, but what choice did he have? His wife had left him, in a dispute over his teenage daughter, a daughter who may as well be living on another planet for the amount of positive interaction between them lately. What a way to die, feeling lonely and unloved by the very people that you care the most about. Except for Susan. Mark laid there, feeling closer to her than he had in years and thought about their relationship. He could honestly say that falling in love with Elizabeth had taken his mind off of Susan, he rarely even thought about her unless an incident at work, or a conversation with a colleague, would remind him of her. But now, laying there with her so gingerly stroking his hair, it was as if all those old feelings had never went away. At that moment, he didn't regret the decisions he had made since she had left, he couldn't even recall them. What wife? New daughter? No, right now he was allowing himself a few hours of self-pity, a little detour off of the highway of reality and onto the side road of "what if" indulgence. He could see their life together so clearly, Susan stepping back off the train that autumn day, and into his life. He could see him, leading her by the hand, and back to her apartment. He could them standing by the lake and him getting down on one knee, presenting her with the most expensive diamond he could find, and then telling her that the stone in her ring, could never outshine the beauty in her eyes. He could hear her, as she choked back the sobs, to say, "of course, I'd love to marry you Mark." He could see them walking hand and hand back into the ER, to declare their love to the staff. The congratulations all around, the "it's about times" that were being lauded among their friends. He could see their wedding day, he could see how beautiful she looked, how young, how vibrate, how perfect. He could picture their child, their child that had her eyes, those piercing eyes. Their child, that could be his legacy. Because, as easily as Mark could imagine his life without Elizabeth, and with Susan, he couldn't imagine his life without cancer. No, he was sure of one thing, no matter what direction his love life would've went, he'd still be here now, he'd still be looking death right in the eye, and blinking.
Susan looked down at Mark, she was so afraid. So terrified of losing him again. When she had left for Phoenix, she knew that life would go on in Chicago without her. She knew she had broken his heart, but what she didn't know was that she was in love with him. No, it would take Susan years to figure that one out. She was engaged to another man, but as her wedding day approached, she was becoming more and more nervous, and her nervousness made her question her love for this man, this man she was suppose to be spending the rest of her life with. It was then that she figured out, that no man would ever take the place of Mark Green, and broke off her engagement. Not long after ending the relationship Susan decided that if she couldn't change the past, if she couldn't go back and accept Mark's offer of undying love, that she could at least go back and accept his offer of undying friendship. Except, that now, sitting there in the quietness of his new home, the home he shared with his new family, all she could think of, was that the friendship she had so desperately sought the revisit, the partnership she had worked so hard to rebuild, was dying, it was dying with Mark.
"Susan," Mark said awaking from his daydream. She didn't respond and he turned over onto his back so he could see her face. He saw that her eyes were filled with tears, so he gently said her name again.
"Mark, why aren't you asleep?"
"I couldn't sleep, my mind is working overtime."
"What are you thinking about?"
"Us."
Susan, snickered, she hoped her laugher didn't give away her thoughts. "What were you thinking about?"
"You," Susan was trying to avoid using his words, "You and me," she finally gave up, Us." They both laughed at the way she gave up the word, so defeated.
"What about us?"
"I was thinking how things have been between us since I came back to Chicago."
"Things haven't been that different."
"I know, that's what I mean. When I decided to come back, you were on the top of my "positives" list, but I expected things between us to be awkward."
"Why would things be different?"
"Gee, Mark, I don't know, because you were married to someone I'd never met, you had a new baby to take care of, and well, we didn't leave on the best of terms, now did we?"
"As I recall we parted on broken terms."
"Yeah, that'd be one way to put it."
"But we've talked about this before Susan, you shouldn't have been worried."
"I wasn't really worried Mark, I knew we'd still be friends, but, since I've been back, it's almost like I'd never left. We were "Mutt and Jeff" once again, as if we'd only been separated five hours, instead of five years."
Mark laughed out loud of the memory of Doug calling them Mutt and Jeff. The ER staff had always had some pretty strong opinions about their relationship.
"Susan, I've shared a big part of my life with you. I cherish all the times we've spent together, all the times you've been there for me. I will always cherish you. I can't explain it, but even though the last few years with Elizabeth have been great, somehow I know that if those years would've been spent with you, they would've meant more."
"Mark…" Susan started but he cut her off.
"I'm not saying that I don't love Elizabeth, I fell head over heels for her, we have something very special. But, it's still not the same as what I had with you. Somehow, in some unexplainable way, the love I have for you is something that I could never lose."
"Mark, I know we've talked about this before, but I have to tell you how sorry I am for leaving you. I…"
"No, Susan, I know, I know you're sorry. I'm sorry too, I don't think either of us can take the blame for what happened back then. And in, some odd sort of way, I'm not sure there's even anything to be blamed for. In some ways I think that if you would've stayed that maybe things wouldn't have worked out in the fairy tale way I always imagined they would, maybe our love has stayed so true, so pure, because we let it grow on it's own."
"Mark, I don't want to lose you."
"Susan, you're not losing me, I want you to promise me, that no matter what happens in the next few months, no matter what might be said by anyone or to anyone about me, just promise me that you'll never forget the times we've spent together, that you'll never forget how much I love you."
"Mark, I don't see how I could ever forget that."
"And Susan, when you do find that special love again, that companionship like we shared, promise me that you'll accept it. Don't think of it as forgetting me, think of it as embracing our love by carrying on with your own happiness." Susan was openly crying now, and Mark grasped her hands. Together they lay there until the shear exhaustion of his day finally lulled Mark to sleep. Susan sit there for hours, just looking at him and thinking about his words. She knew that if anything could get her through losing him, that the memory of all the things that he had just told her, could.
When Mark woke up the next morning, Susan had fallen asleep, her head laid on top of his. He smiled at the sight of her laying there, she looked so peaceful. Then he gentle woke her. He went to shower and she fixed them some cereal for breakfast.
"Mark," Susan began as she poured some milk into his bowl, "This may sound like a horrible question, and stop be if I'm going to far, but" Susan was unsure of if she should continue, "what are you going to do?"
"Do about what?"
"What are you going to do, with the time you have? Is there anything you want to do?"
"There's lots of things I want to do, I've even thought about making a list. Is that self-pity or what?"
"No, that's not self pity Mark," Susan smiled at him.
"I'd really like to have my family together again. But, I just can't deal with all that right now. I, think, I'm thinking about spending some more time with Rachel, but I'm just not sure how."
"I'm sure you'll think of something." Susan took his hand and held it for a few minutes, before telling him that she needed to go home. She would only have a few hours before she had to be back at work.
Part II
Susan stood there, among her co-workers, looking down upon his grave. She had been trying for months to prepare herself for his death; but in reality death was never something one could prepare for. No matter how lingering the illnesses, death always came as a surprise. She saw him leaving the ER that night, he had turned and looked at her, almost looking through her really, and simply smiled. She had knew, deep down, that she'd never see him again. But, she didn't want to believe it. Death is something hard to accept months, years, after the fact, so there was no way she could accept it before it occurred. And the morning that his letter had arrived, as Carter stood in front of them, reading the fax aloud, she had a knot turning in the pit of her stomach, she knew that something was wrong. She knew Mark wouldn't just write the ER a letter out of the blue, she knew Mark, and she knew that he would only send a letter when it would have special significance. The others, didn't really get that at first, they were happy to assume that the letter was just a quick note to say what a great vacation Dr. Green was having. But the look on Carter's face when he saw the last page, that look confirmed Susan's fears. No, she'd never see Mark again.
Susan was standing in the front row of mourners, and could easily see the tears that rolled down Elizabeth's face, for her own sake, she wasn't crying. She was fighting the tears, that was true, but for some reason it wasn't quite as hard a task as she expected it to be. As she looked at Elizabeth she felt an odd twist of jealously, for the love that Elizabeth had shared with Mark, and guilt, over the love that she had shared with Mark. As they lowered the casket, Susan didn't know how to feel. She had lost her best friend, and she wasn't sure it anyone else knew how she was feeling. When you lose a parent or a spouse, there are a lot of people around you who have been in that position before and can tell you how they felt, and in some ways that's comforting. But there aren't many people around to tell you how they felt when they lost their unrequited love. The soul mate that never quite materialized. Susan was stoic as she viewed the mourners say their final goodbyes at the gravesite. She silently walked over and gave Jenn and Rachel quick hugs. She wasn't sure how to approach Elizabeth, deciding that she may even be angry at Elizabeth for abandoning Mark when he needed her the most. Finally, she decided to hug her quickly and walk away, which is exactly what she did.
Susan walked to her car, and watched as everyone left the cemetery, each going their separate ways. Half way there, she stopped and walked back towards the grave. She just couldn't bring herself to leave, not yet, something just didn't feel right, then she realized that there was something left that she hadn't said to Mark. Susan knelt down beside the grave, tears were flowing down her face, as she laid her hand upon the dirt and whispered, "I love you too."
John was watching Susan from were he was standing with Abby. Abby gave him a look, and said "I think she needs you."
John looked up at Abby, "Yeah, uh, Abby, I'm sorry."
"It's ok, Carter, I understand, look, I, I'm not sure what we have here, if we even have anything, but I don't think it's anything like what they had."
"I don't know Abby."
"Neither do I, and right now, I don't care, just go take care of Susan tonight."
Carter gave her a quick hug and then walked over to where Susan was knelt by the gravesite. He bent down and put his arms around her from behind. She couldn't see his face, but she knew who it was by the feel of his arms around her. Giving in, she let him left her to her feet. Putting his arm around her shoulders, they walked towards her car. When they got there, she cast one more look back at where Mark was buried, then looked in John's eyes. When she saw the tears that had formed there she knew she couldn't stand it any longer. Shaking with sobs, Susan suddenly decided if she didn't cling to Carter that she would fall. John tightened his grip on her, and they stayed there for what seemed like an eternity, both of them openly weeping for the friend they had lost, finding solace in each other's arms.
Disclaimer: All characters are the property of someone else. J
Summary: Okay, so this is the first fan fiction I've ever been brave enough to post. This is basically a bunch of ideas that I've had floating around in my head since the "It's All in Your Head" episode aired. I tried to put them together in some logical manner, basically filling in some of the gaps from the season, things I wish they would've dealt with on the actual show, but they didn't. I'm certainly a Mark/Susan person, but I'm undecided on the Carsan/Carby thing, so this fic will probably suit both. Ok, so it's more Carsan, but, oh, just read it. J
Spoilers: Yep, especially for the last half of this season, but maybe even from earlier shows, I'm not really sure. It depends on what you consider a "spoiler."
Feedback: Let me know what you think, and I might decide to give this up forever. J And I wrote this really quickly, I spelled checked, but I'm sure there's lots of grammar mistakes, although that doesn't seem to stop anyone else…
Archive: I'm not sure why you'd want to, but if someone does, plus just let me know where I can visit it.
Ok, on with the fan fic… "Love Hidden in Plain Sight"
Part I
He laid his head down in her lap, gently, tenderly; as if he was afraid that she would abandon him at any time. She absently rubbed his head, her mind a million miles away. Mark felt as if he was forcing her to stay, but what choice did he have? His wife had left him, in a dispute over his teenage daughter, a daughter who may as well be living on another planet for the amount of positive interaction between them lately. What a way to die, feeling lonely and unloved by the very people that you care the most about. Except for Susan. Mark laid there, feeling closer to her than he had in years and thought about their relationship. He could honestly say that falling in love with Elizabeth had taken his mind off of Susan, he rarely even thought about her unless an incident at work, or a conversation with a colleague, would remind him of her. But now, laying there with her so gingerly stroking his hair, it was as if all those old feelings had never went away. At that moment, he didn't regret the decisions he had made since she had left, he couldn't even recall them. What wife? New daughter? No, right now he was allowing himself a few hours of self-pity, a little detour off of the highway of reality and onto the side road of "what if" indulgence. He could see their life together so clearly, Susan stepping back off the train that autumn day, and into his life. He could see him, leading her by the hand, and back to her apartment. He could them standing by the lake and him getting down on one knee, presenting her with the most expensive diamond he could find, and then telling her that the stone in her ring, could never outshine the beauty in her eyes. He could hear her, as she choked back the sobs, to say, "of course, I'd love to marry you Mark." He could see them walking hand and hand back into the ER, to declare their love to the staff. The congratulations all around, the "it's about times" that were being lauded among their friends. He could see their wedding day, he could see how beautiful she looked, how young, how vibrate, how perfect. He could picture their child, their child that had her eyes, those piercing eyes. Their child, that could be his legacy. Because, as easily as Mark could imagine his life without Elizabeth, and with Susan, he couldn't imagine his life without cancer. No, he was sure of one thing, no matter what direction his love life would've went, he'd still be here now, he'd still be looking death right in the eye, and blinking.
Susan looked down at Mark, she was so afraid. So terrified of losing him again. When she had left for Phoenix, she knew that life would go on in Chicago without her. She knew she had broken his heart, but what she didn't know was that she was in love with him. No, it would take Susan years to figure that one out. She was engaged to another man, but as her wedding day approached, she was becoming more and more nervous, and her nervousness made her question her love for this man, this man she was suppose to be spending the rest of her life with. It was then that she figured out, that no man would ever take the place of Mark Green, and broke off her engagement. Not long after ending the relationship Susan decided that if she couldn't change the past, if she couldn't go back and accept Mark's offer of undying love, that she could at least go back and accept his offer of undying friendship. Except, that now, sitting there in the quietness of his new home, the home he shared with his new family, all she could think of, was that the friendship she had so desperately sought the revisit, the partnership she had worked so hard to rebuild, was dying, it was dying with Mark.
"Susan," Mark said awaking from his daydream. She didn't respond and he turned over onto his back so he could see her face. He saw that her eyes were filled with tears, so he gently said her name again.
"Mark, why aren't you asleep?"
"I couldn't sleep, my mind is working overtime."
"What are you thinking about?"
"Us."
Susan, snickered, she hoped her laugher didn't give away her thoughts. "What were you thinking about?"
"You," Susan was trying to avoid using his words, "You and me," she finally gave up, Us." They both laughed at the way she gave up the word, so defeated.
"What about us?"
"I was thinking how things have been between us since I came back to Chicago."
"Things haven't been that different."
"I know, that's what I mean. When I decided to come back, you were on the top of my "positives" list, but I expected things between us to be awkward."
"Why would things be different?"
"Gee, Mark, I don't know, because you were married to someone I'd never met, you had a new baby to take care of, and well, we didn't leave on the best of terms, now did we?"
"As I recall we parted on broken terms."
"Yeah, that'd be one way to put it."
"But we've talked about this before Susan, you shouldn't have been worried."
"I wasn't really worried Mark, I knew we'd still be friends, but, since I've been back, it's almost like I'd never left. We were "Mutt and Jeff" once again, as if we'd only been separated five hours, instead of five years."
Mark laughed out loud of the memory of Doug calling them Mutt and Jeff. The ER staff had always had some pretty strong opinions about their relationship.
"Susan, I've shared a big part of my life with you. I cherish all the times we've spent together, all the times you've been there for me. I will always cherish you. I can't explain it, but even though the last few years with Elizabeth have been great, somehow I know that if those years would've been spent with you, they would've meant more."
"Mark…" Susan started but he cut her off.
"I'm not saying that I don't love Elizabeth, I fell head over heels for her, we have something very special. But, it's still not the same as what I had with you. Somehow, in some unexplainable way, the love I have for you is something that I could never lose."
"Mark, I know we've talked about this before, but I have to tell you how sorry I am for leaving you. I…"
"No, Susan, I know, I know you're sorry. I'm sorry too, I don't think either of us can take the blame for what happened back then. And in, some odd sort of way, I'm not sure there's even anything to be blamed for. In some ways I think that if you would've stayed that maybe things wouldn't have worked out in the fairy tale way I always imagined they would, maybe our love has stayed so true, so pure, because we let it grow on it's own."
"Mark, I don't want to lose you."
"Susan, you're not losing me, I want you to promise me, that no matter what happens in the next few months, no matter what might be said by anyone or to anyone about me, just promise me that you'll never forget the times we've spent together, that you'll never forget how much I love you."
"Mark, I don't see how I could ever forget that."
"And Susan, when you do find that special love again, that companionship like we shared, promise me that you'll accept it. Don't think of it as forgetting me, think of it as embracing our love by carrying on with your own happiness." Susan was openly crying now, and Mark grasped her hands. Together they lay there until the shear exhaustion of his day finally lulled Mark to sleep. Susan sit there for hours, just looking at him and thinking about his words. She knew that if anything could get her through losing him, that the memory of all the things that he had just told her, could.
When Mark woke up the next morning, Susan had fallen asleep, her head laid on top of his. He smiled at the sight of her laying there, she looked so peaceful. Then he gentle woke her. He went to shower and she fixed them some cereal for breakfast.
"Mark," Susan began as she poured some milk into his bowl, "This may sound like a horrible question, and stop be if I'm going to far, but" Susan was unsure of if she should continue, "what are you going to do?"
"Do about what?"
"What are you going to do, with the time you have? Is there anything you want to do?"
"There's lots of things I want to do, I've even thought about making a list. Is that self-pity or what?"
"No, that's not self pity Mark," Susan smiled at him.
"I'd really like to have my family together again. But, I just can't deal with all that right now. I, think, I'm thinking about spending some more time with Rachel, but I'm just not sure how."
"I'm sure you'll think of something." Susan took his hand and held it for a few minutes, before telling him that she needed to go home. She would only have a few hours before she had to be back at work.
Part II
Susan stood there, among her co-workers, looking down upon his grave. She had been trying for months to prepare herself for his death; but in reality death was never something one could prepare for. No matter how lingering the illnesses, death always came as a surprise. She saw him leaving the ER that night, he had turned and looked at her, almost looking through her really, and simply smiled. She had knew, deep down, that she'd never see him again. But, she didn't want to believe it. Death is something hard to accept months, years, after the fact, so there was no way she could accept it before it occurred. And the morning that his letter had arrived, as Carter stood in front of them, reading the fax aloud, she had a knot turning in the pit of her stomach, she knew that something was wrong. She knew Mark wouldn't just write the ER a letter out of the blue, she knew Mark, and she knew that he would only send a letter when it would have special significance. The others, didn't really get that at first, they were happy to assume that the letter was just a quick note to say what a great vacation Dr. Green was having. But the look on Carter's face when he saw the last page, that look confirmed Susan's fears. No, she'd never see Mark again.
Susan was standing in the front row of mourners, and could easily see the tears that rolled down Elizabeth's face, for her own sake, she wasn't crying. She was fighting the tears, that was true, but for some reason it wasn't quite as hard a task as she expected it to be. As she looked at Elizabeth she felt an odd twist of jealously, for the love that Elizabeth had shared with Mark, and guilt, over the love that she had shared with Mark. As they lowered the casket, Susan didn't know how to feel. She had lost her best friend, and she wasn't sure it anyone else knew how she was feeling. When you lose a parent or a spouse, there are a lot of people around you who have been in that position before and can tell you how they felt, and in some ways that's comforting. But there aren't many people around to tell you how they felt when they lost their unrequited love. The soul mate that never quite materialized. Susan was stoic as she viewed the mourners say their final goodbyes at the gravesite. She silently walked over and gave Jenn and Rachel quick hugs. She wasn't sure how to approach Elizabeth, deciding that she may even be angry at Elizabeth for abandoning Mark when he needed her the most. Finally, she decided to hug her quickly and walk away, which is exactly what she did.
Susan walked to her car, and watched as everyone left the cemetery, each going their separate ways. Half way there, she stopped and walked back towards the grave. She just couldn't bring herself to leave, not yet, something just didn't feel right, then she realized that there was something left that she hadn't said to Mark. Susan knelt down beside the grave, tears were flowing down her face, as she laid her hand upon the dirt and whispered, "I love you too."
John was watching Susan from were he was standing with Abby. Abby gave him a look, and said "I think she needs you."
John looked up at Abby, "Yeah, uh, Abby, I'm sorry."
"It's ok, Carter, I understand, look, I, I'm not sure what we have here, if we even have anything, but I don't think it's anything like what they had."
"I don't know Abby."
"Neither do I, and right now, I don't care, just go take care of Susan tonight."
Carter gave her a quick hug and then walked over to where Susan was knelt by the gravesite. He bent down and put his arms around her from behind. She couldn't see his face, but she knew who it was by the feel of his arms around her. Giving in, she let him left her to her feet. Putting his arm around her shoulders, they walked towards her car. When they got there, she cast one more look back at where Mark was buried, then looked in John's eyes. When she saw the tears that had formed there she knew she couldn't stand it any longer. Shaking with sobs, Susan suddenly decided if she didn't cling to Carter that she would fall. John tightened his grip on her, and they stayed there for what seemed like an eternity, both of them openly weeping for the friend they had lost, finding solace in each other's arms.