Dear Diary (19th of August 2005)

Lost, tired, aimless and superlatives. Yet another night of me awaking cold and alone. It is incredible, and unbelievable how the walls of my heart have been infiltrated in such a short time and yet so believable. I have to believe the fact that I have fallen in love with Derek Shepard, and he; still loves Addison.

:Flashback:

"I'm sorry for hurting you", said Derek looking me in the eye.

"So what if you're sorry? Can you come back and be with me again? Will you leave Addison?" I replied simply.

The pause said it all, sitting in the locker room, only the static and sterile air blowing out of the vents.

"I guess not."

I stand up and step out, leaving the door to close behind me, reality gnawing my flesh.

:End of Flashback:

I look at my bedside drawers, atop them sit two bottles, one named Jack Daniel and the Phifzer; they are my sleeping buddies. I took two already, waiting for them to set in takes forever. I wonder when I'll have no higher dosage to put me to sleep; over the months from half, to one, to one and a half, and now two. Next the cycle will repeat with a higher milligram content then it will end. The day will come when two will not be enough for even the shortest of siestas. I feel a sense of lack of control in my life, having no say to my moods, not any say to when and for how long I sleep. It is time to up my dosage isn't it?

Dear Diary (31st of December 2005)

Today I awoke alone as usual and ending up here alone, as usual. They had a party to celebrate the new year, so this should be dated 1st am I right? Hell I give a damn. HE attended it with HER (fucking Satan), Christina with Burke, Izzie with Karev, and George with.. who was George with anyway? I was but with a random male specimen feeling joy of no sort, as the coundown came, in the corner of my eye I saw them kissing. Yes do, do that in front of me; my heart is not even close to shattered enough. In an effort to not spoil the moment and go along, I with everyone else, kissed the man with 'Auld lang syne' playing in the background, stremers flying about randomly. The only thig was… though not Derek, when I closed my eyes that was who I was kissing. I opened them to find an illusion gone, hope lost and then it dawned.

It dawned upom me that this was goiing to be permanent. Derek was not going to leave Addison, ever. I was going to have to live on pills and vodka till they kill me someday. It dawned that why not… so here I am, sitting by the ledge pondering why not. Maybe it's because I have not said my goodbyes, maybe it's because in the deepest recesses of my heart I still hope for him to one day awake and say, «I think I'll leave my wife today.».

I take a silent drive to our place, I see a random car there and I close up on it, it becomes less random.

«Where's Addison?» I hear myself asking,

«New year baby,», he replies.

I nod, pulling my jacket closer my myself with folded arms.
«Where is… what's his name again» he asks looking in my direction.

«I don't know, not with me.», I said seating myself on top of his bonnet with a hand from him.

«Clearly.» he says sarcastically.

Then I hear the silence engulfing us once more, only to be intruded by fireworks at the other end of the bridge.

I lean on the back of his shoulder, sighing deeply, his after shave still prominent. He sits there; unmoving, and takes a breath.

I close my eyes and soon drift off.

It's morning, the sun has risen on the horizon, and the first ferry's honk is heard. I look up at his sculptured features, and listen to his steady brething. A tear rools down my cheek, and I feel his hand brush it away. He whispers, «Happy new year», and I smile.

We sit up, grungy, I slide off the bonnet, and he follows suit. I move to hug him, and he says to me; «This means nothing, I'm still with-». I stop him dead at his tracks as I nod illustrating understanding, and whisper in his ear, «I love you., goodbye.». I pull away quickly and get in my car and head home, his figure becoming smaller and smaller in the distance…till it disappeears.

So here I am sitting by the window side, tired of living. I reach for the pills, popping them like mints into my mouth, downed with clear liquid gold. I want to sleep for a long time, a very long time. A very very long time.

This is the last entry I have read, she still remains unmoving, still as stone.

I remember that day when I found her foaming motionless body on the bed, desperately crying for her to awaken, the drive to Seattle Grace was the longest minute of my life.

I remember how it all started, how Miranda was looking for her furiously, how George and Elizabeth had not seen her the whole morning, how a look spread across Christina's face.

I remember her looking in my direction saying, «It can't be right? She's smarter than that… », then running out of the room to the carpark.

I remember racing after her, and Miranda calling my name. I remember George hopping into the car, racing off to the house.

I remember banging down the door of the hollow hallway.

I remember screaming, Christina's, mine.

I remember running down the stair her limp body in my arms.

I remember pulling up to the ER carrying her.

I remember Addison's face when we were at the theater's balcony, her unsure hands reaching for my trembling ones.

I remember blaming her for appearing, and myself for not.

I remember, I remember.

I remember.