"The Order is wrong, Master! You said it yourself!" Sii has never raised her voice to me before. I do not understand. I asked if she wanted to spar, and she asked me what for?
Where did this come from?
"What?" The word is out before I realize it.
"I do not want to be a Jedi anymore, Master. I have chosen to leave the Order."
Those words. Spoken so softly. Who knew something so soft could hurt so deeply. I feel sick. Her eyes, there's something there. Leave the Order? Why would she say that? I must still be dreaming. I'll wake up soon.
"What?" Again. I don't understand.
"You said it yourself, Master. They are wrong. What they are doing, what we are doing, its all wrong. You've explained to me countless times how the Order, against better judgement and all sense, how they rush in where they are not needed. Acting as if they control the galaxy and everyone in it should bend to their every wish. No, I will not be a part of it any longer."
Oh.
Years of explaining, calling out the Order for its, what? What was it just last week? Its slowness or was it its inefficiency? Was it its disregard for life, its inconsistency with its rules and laws. I remember, it was that the Order didn't manage emotions well. They bottled them up, and left them to fester. So many had fallen that way. So many more to come I feel.
And here I was thinking that Malaquias would be my Padawans fall. His ideas, his distrust. I've tried so hard to keep them apart, Malaquias' mouth always runs faster then his head. But no. This is my doing. Shes saying this is my fault. I did this.
No. No, child. Oh please Force, no.
Not this.
And it's not that I have lied. But it was opinion. I've been in the Order so long, so many years. So many missions with Masters, Knights and Padawans that wouldn't be going home. So many friends killed over something so small. So many wasted lives. So many deaths because the Council didn't fully understand the situation on the planet, sent us without information. False promises of security.
But there is so much good too. So many lives we did save. Planets still rotating because of us. And what else is there? Become another trickster pilot? Pod racer? Another vendor on Coruscant? It's a gift. If you're found you become Jedi or join the Sith. It's not right, but it's how it is. Maybe Sii is right. No, but if she joins the Sith. Oh Force, please no.
"Sii." I don't know what to say. What do you say to this?
"Forgive me, I erred greatly in your teaching. Don't do this. Don't throw away something you've worked so hard for because of my," these aren't the right words, oh Force help me "of my tainted and personal opinions."
Don't do this.
"But Master, you are not wrong. They have caused so much damage, so much pain-"
"And they have also healed many worlds, and saved many lives that otherwise would have never seen the next day." Listen to me. Please. Listen to me.
"Master, you have spoken against the Order for years. And now, what? You take their side?"
I can't keep this calm mask any longer, just listen to me child.
"Sii, it is true, many planets lie desolate because of wars involving Jedi. But it was between the Jedi and the Sith, or the Jedi and resistant groups. They don't rush onto a planet or area with the first thought to destroy it, they go with optimism that it can be saved. They bring hope."
"They did nothing when your home was falling apart. When people were dying in the lower parts because of the prejudice. They did nothing when Malak bombed it."
What? Taris? That was so long ago, and so very unimportant now.
"You are aware that it was a visiting Jedi Master who took me from Taris. If he had not shown such kindness, I would be nothing but dust upon the surface like the others who could not escape. The Order saved my life, for that, I will always be grateful."
"I'm sorry, Master."
The conversation is over now. She has come to her conclusion. Or perhaps she doesn't want to discuss it further.
Her saber. Shes holding it out to me.
"I do not wish to continue my apprenticeship, and I wish to be relieved of the Order." Shes not meeting my eyes as she says this.
I take it. I remember when she made this. She was so happy, so excited. It was the greatest day of her life, and mine. She learned how to hold it, how to wield it. I taught her how to fight with this, to defend herself. It's her life, was her life.
"We must inform the council."
And we leave. My mind is nothing more then a stutter of unfinished sentences and my stomach nauseous.
But I can grieve privately later.