This is going to be a series of shorts based on a column that my friend and I did for our school newspaper, called "Life By the Numbers". We would rate whatever came to our mind on a scale of 1-10, with a short explanation beneath. Each chapter will be based on a topic that was covered in that column. It's not meant to offend anyone, even though we were brutally honest. I hope you guys have a good time reading these.

I don't own Phoenix Wright. But you knew that.

Chapter 1: Sideburns

"I'm telling you, dude, they're all the rage these days. Ever since I grew mine, people stare at me all the time!" Larry Butz grinned, reclining on Phoenix's couch. "Better get started, buddy. You don't wanna get left behind!"

Phoenix rubbed his chin. About five minutes ago on this lovely Saturday morning, he had answered the door to discover his friend on his front doorstep, grinning broadly.

"Hey…" Phoenix had said, pointing at Larry's face. "You grew sideburns!" Indeed, Larry sported a pair of rather impressive mutton chops, which he seemed immensely proud of. Thus leading to the current conversation.

"So you really think I would look good with sideburns?" Phoenix asked Larry.

"Dude, Nick. You'll have women falling at your feet! And other guys think they're cool – it's like a symbol of manhood. I can just picture it now… Alpha Male Nick the 'Sideburned Stud', turning all heads as he walks down the street, like that Moses guy."

"Larry… never mind." Phoenix let out a laugh. "Well, good thing I haven't shaved yet, I guess. Sure, why not."

"That's the spirit, Nick!" Larry cheered. "Just you wait. We'll be so popular, we'll have to carry around a waiting list!"

…

Nick was late!

Maya scowled as her stomach gurgled. The clock on the office wall reminded her that it was well past breakfast time, thank you very much. This didn't exactly improve her mood. It was Monday, she was tired, she was bored, and she wanted food.

The door opened. "Ah! Fina-… what…" It… it was terrible! It was ghastly! Something was definitely wrong.

"Hey, Maya. What's the matter? You've got kind of a weird expression there."

The spirit medium took a deep breath. "Okay, Nick, don't be alarmed… but you seem to have some sort of fungus growing on your face."

"Huh?" Reaching up, Phoenix felt around. "No, Maya, I just grew sideburns."

Sideburns. Right. Maya studied this new version of Nick. Those… things crept about three inches down in a straight line. They were skinny. They were gross. Ugh. "…Yeah." She scuttled into the other room, not wanting to look at those them a second longer.

Phoenix quirked an eyebrow after her. 'What's the deal with her?' He thought he looked rather dashing, himself. Following his assistant into the next room, he sat down at his desk and began working. Maya was perched on the other sofa that she had insisted they buy, reading a comic book or something. Every so often, she would look up and shudder.

Finally, Phoenix grew tired of this. "Okay, Maya, what is it? Is this about my sideburns again?"

In response, Maya set down her book and crossed her arms. "Nick… they're disgusting."

"What?"

Maya nodded quickly. "You were much better-looking clean-shaven, Nick. I mean… ew. You have strips of hair on your face!"

"Thank you, Maya, I am aware of that," Phoenix responded, rolling his eyes. "I'll have you know that sideburns are cool. It's not like you have the right to lecture me on modern fashion."

He knew this was a bit of a mistake when Maya puffed up like a blowfish. "This is traditional! What excuse do YOU have for those?"

"Yeah, we'll see who gets the last laugh when I beat Edgeworth in a beauty contest." With a patronizing chuckle, Phoenix looked back down at his paperwork, straightening the "done" stack. The conversation was over.

"Prove it."

Or maybe not. "…Huh?"

Maya sported a tiny smirk. "Prove that sideburns are cool. We'll go walk around, see what kind of reactions you get. I'm willing to bet a month's worth of burgers that I'm right."

Phoenix smirked. "And if I win?"

"Then you save a month's worth of burger money. Now are we going, or are you too chicken?"

Slamming a hand on the desk, Phoenix pushed himself up from his office chair. "You know what? Fine. I'll show you. Let's go walk around."

Maya grinned slyly.

…

Phoenix fumed.

Oh, he was getting attention all right. Lots of it.

Hardly any of it was good.

A pair of attractive girls passed him, took one look, and giggled. Not the flirtatious, shy giggling that was common when a girl saw something she liked. No, this was derisive, "what-the-hell-is-he-thinking" giggling. His companion grinned mockingly.

"Shut up," Phoenix grumbled.

"I didn't say anything," Maya responded in a sing-song voice.

Just then, a group of teenage boys ran by, chasing a runaway soccer ball. "Nice chops, dude!" one yelled. Phoenix smiled and waved as Maya rolled her eyes.

"See?"

"Pretty sad that you have to get your approval from a bunch of teenage soccer players, Nick."

Unfortunately for Maya, more and more random strangers seemed to be supporting Nick's "evil growths". A potbellied man in a tank top and a pair of gaudy Hawaiian shorts, an arm around his chain-smoking wife, gave Phoenix a thumbs-up and pointed to his own sideburns. Another guy jogging by raised his hand for a high-five. "I could never get mine to grow right," he told the defense attorney.

Maya resisted the urge to stick her tongue out at her gloating, overly smug friend. In a matter of minutes, their moods had completely flip-flopped. She was about to chew Nick out (for what, she'd decide later) when she saw the perfect person. And depending on his reaction, he could become the most perfect person ever to grace this earth.

"Heyyyyyy, Mr. Edgeworth!"

Phoenix looked around, startled. 'Oh hell no.' Sure enough, on a bench nearby, Miles Edgeworth had also looked up at the sound of his name.

"Ah, Maya. And Wright. I was just on my lunch break." He made a miniscule adjustment to his cravat.

"Mr. Edgeworth, I need to ask your opinion on something…"

"Actually," Phoenix laughed nervously, "we need to get going now. Talk to you later, Edgeworth!" He turned to the side, pushing a protesting Maya 'anywhere. Just… anywhere away from Mr. Nitpick!'

"Wright…? Did you grow… sideburns?"

With a resigned sigh, Phoenix turned back to Edgeworth. "Yes, I did. I thought I… needed a change, I guess."

"He thinks they make him look manly," Maya snorted derisively.

"Maya…!"

An awkward pause enveloped the trio as Edgeworth closed his eyes and delicately patted his mouth with a napkin. When he had finished, he looked up. "Wright…"

Phoenix waited apprehensively.

A low chuckle. "Those… look ridiculous."

…

Needless to say, Maya wasn't all that surprised when Nick showed up to work the next day completely clean-shaven.

She grinned wickedly. "Don't forget… for the next month, we get burgers every day."

Phoenix groaned.