Doubt on a Special Night
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Kiku prepares the table, making sure everything is perfect. He wants tonight to be perfect. After all, it is a very special night…and Yao is coming over.
How long has it been? Kiku wonders. They have been together for some time, but it's always Yao's house he's been to. For Yao to suddenly ask to come over to Kiku's house - on this special night, no less - Kiku thinks about how considerable and how rude Yao is all at once.
But he agrees, nevertheless, and Yao smiles that smile that he's kept for all the years to come and go.
The smile that haunts Kiku when he stirs in his guilt. He knows Yao is always there for him and has forgiven him for everything the nation has ever done. Even so, Kiku does not think he will ever be forgiven truly.
"I forgive you, Kiku. But I will never forget what you did to me," is what Yao had told him.
Isn't that just the same thing as saying 'I will never forgive you?' More like the censored version, he thinks, and his train of thought wanders to another area.
"I love you, Kiku."
Kiku lowers his hands at the thought, which are both holding a vase that is used for decoration on the table. If he hadn't come to his senses fast enough, he would've dropped it.
Yao had said those four words with every emotion he contained put into them. That was when Kiku really noticed how beautiful - how pure - Yao really looked standing under that Sakura-blossom tree.
And the only words he could mutter out barely made it out.
"I love you too, Yao."
And just like that, Yao smiles with allure, embraces him - Kiku embracing back automatically - and showers him with his happiness and kisses.
Yao had always been in love with Kiku. And Kiku shared just as much of that feeling with Yao. Yet that question in the back of his mind always nagged him at his darkest moments, bringing him down lower than the dirt.
Was it really love Yao shared with him?
It must be, Kiku thinks; and he also thinks about how crazy - how insane - Yao must be for even containing that feeling for the one who carved a scar into his back during war. It's almost… almost…
'Too good to be true.'
And his hands give out. The vase shatters at his feet and stirs him in the world of the living. He blinks at the shards of glass and goes to sweep it up before Yao arrives.
This night had to be perfect for Yao after all.
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There is a ring at his door and two knocks swiftly after. Kiku knows the familiar rapping all too well as he gets up and proceeds to the doorway.
Yao is there with his normal smile. "Good evening, Kiku." He greets warmly.
Kiku smiles as well and replies, "Good evening, Yao. Please come in."
Yao walks in and takes his shoes off for respect. He admires the house and looks around for anything interesting. "Do you still draw nishiki paintings?" he asks, as he sees one hung up in the living room.
"Only when I have the time," Kiku answers, "My superiors are really tightening my schedule."
And with this, Yao looks at him with amber eyes; a hint of sadness and happiness aligned in them. "Thank you," Yao then begins, "Thank you for having the time for me this evening." He says and bows.
Kiku is crushed under those words. Why? He thinks. He should be feeling warmth and happiness from those words. Instead, those words bring him guilt and sadness.
Yao doesn't notice - or maybe ignores - the strange expressions overcoming Kiku's features, keeping that smile on his face.
Kiku weakly smiles back, collecting himself. "You're welcome, Yao." And he leads Yao to the dining room.
Yao sees a table decorated with lovely flowers and Japanese and Chinese food alike.
"You're so considerate." Yao says looking at Kiku with an impressed expression, "These are all of my favorite foods."
Kiku is mainly shocked at this statement, but refuses to seem like it. "I pay attention on our nights we go out." He says figuratively.
Yao seats himself and Kiku seats himself on the other side of the table. As Yao is giving thanks, Kiku's mind races.
These are all of Yao's favorite foods? He didn't know that. He just picked everything at random. He sighs. Maybe…could it really be that he does pay attention on the nights they go out?
And then the next question. Why did he lie? He could've told Yao that he didn't know and had picked everything out only because they seemed good. He doesn't understand why he lied. Was he afraid he was going to upset Yao if he told him the truth?
"Kiku, you're quiet tonight." Yao says as he serves himself.
Kiku blinks, noticing that Yao has already finished giving thanks and is now eating. "I'm just a little tired." Kiku lies again, pushing him further into his guilt.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Yao asks, "We could do this some other night."
"No."
Kiku's voice is clipped and stoic as a response. This night is a special night he knows. And he doesn't want it to be on any other night. He sees a glint of surprise in Yao's features.
Kiku smiles warmly - startling himself once more - and replies, "I'm sorry Yao. I don't want this to be on any other night. Tonight is special."
Yao relaxes on his end of the table and also smiles. "Yes. Tonight is a very important evening. It wouldn't be the same on other nights."
They stare at each other in silence. Yao's stare is filled with happiness and warmth, Kiku's showing the same emotions. But Kiku's emotions are just a façade. Underneath, he is ready to shatter under Yao's gaze. He is ready to just lie down and die.
Kiku wishes. He wishes that he could just show Yao how much pain he is in. He wishes on how much he could let go of this insecurity racking inside his body. He wishes he could just be himself to Yao. Just…
'Just be Kiku.'
Yao goes back to his food and Kiku does the same. What is he thinking? He knows he is Kiku. But he is not being himself. Here, he is lying to Yao and hiding his true emotions.
Why? He asks himself again. Why does he need to hide himself in these painful feelings? Why does he need to lie to Yao? Is it because he is afraid that if he doesn't, Yao would like him less and less?
Kiku blinks at his plate and the chopsticks pause on their route to his mouth. Is that the reason…? Is he afraid that Yao will not accept 'Kiku' if he doesn't keep himself like the way he is now?
But then…that wouldn't be love, would it?
Kiku shakes his head. He doesn't want to let go of Yao's love. He doesn't want Yao to stop loving him. That is why he creates false words and false smiles. Because he is a coward. A coward too afraid to be left behind and forgotten.
Kiku eats the sticky rice and sushi.
Nothing. It doesn't taste like anything to him.
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Kiku comes to sit with Yao on his back porch and gaze at the moon just like before when he was younger. "I have brought tea, Yao." He says as he sits down.
Yao lets out a sigh as he looks at the large moon. He smiles, "This is a nice night." He says.
Kiku nods as he drinks his tea. "It is a nice night. Summer nights have very nice weather." He gulps and sighs as well as he looked at the moon.
A moment of silence passes between them and Yao talks once more.
"Kiku…" He begins, "Remember those days?" he asks.
Kiku looks at the elder nation. He knows what Yao is talking about, but he acts clueless. "Remember what days?"
"Those days when we would do this? You were still small back then." Yao smiles at Kiku. "I'm glad…that we can spend time together like this again. I've missed it."
Kiku stares at him. "…I've missed it, too. I've missed it so much." He truthfully says and looks back at the moon. "Yao-nii…"
Yao is surprised at what Kiku called him. "Did you just call me…?" he begins, but Kiku interrupts him quickly.
"Yao…nii," he says again, "How much do you love me?"
Yao pauses looking at Kiku's expression as he stares at the floor.
Kiku's hands automatically tighten into fists at the silly question. But he wants to know. He really wants to know.
"…So much." Yao finally answers. "Kiku. I love you so much."
Kiku - for some odd reason - feels on the verge of tears.
"Kiku. I love you so much, it drives me crazy." Yao continues with a warm smile. "I always need to know that you're all right. I always think about you on my last thoughts of every day I spend. I always wish that every night would be a night like this with you."
Kiku no longer thinks that asking that question was a smart move. Kiku now only wishes to beg Yao to just stop, stop, stop.
"Kiku…" Yao pauses, staring at the nation, "Kiku…how much do you love me?"
Kiku sniffles and looks up at Yao's face. And all his emotions let loose as he grabs Yao into a tight hug and cries.
"…Yao-nii…" he sobs, "I love you…I love you, I love you, I love you…I love you so much…!"
Yao is startled at Kiku's sudden outburst and he hugs back, comforting the other.
Kiku shakes at the feeling of Yao's touch. "Yao-nii," he hics, "I don't deserve your love. I don't deserve anything you give me. I've hurt you so much in the past…" Kiku pauses and blinks.
Yao is…laughing?
Yao pushes him to where his hands are still resting on Kiku's shoulders. "Kiku…is that what has been bothering you all this time?" He asks.
Kiku stares at Yao with big eyes and is able to say the only thing bothering his mind. "…It's not funny, Yao-nii. I'm serious."
Yao only then laughs more, making Kiku want to hit the elder nation. "Kiku, Kiku, Kiku." Yao says shaking his head, "If I didn't think you deserved my love, then I wouldn't even be here. I wouldn't worry about you and I wouldn't care about anything you did."
Kiku hics again, "Yao-nii…"
Yao looks up at him with those amber eyes of his, and this time, Kiku feels that warmth that Yao is giving off. "I love you, Kiku." He says once more.
Kiku nods, "I love you too, Yao-nii." He replies wholeheartedly and bends down to kiss the other.
Yao breaks off in the middle of the kiss only to say, "Kiku, one thing."
"Anything, Yao-nii." Kiku replies, bringing Yao closer to him.
Yao smiles, "Call me 'Yao.'"
Kiku stares at the other as Yao wraps his arms around Kiku's neck. "I'm not you're 'Yao-nii' anymore, Kiku. I'm your lover. I'm Yao."
Kiku nods and hugs the smaller one with happiness. "Then…I love you too…Yao…"
The terrible feelings inside him have melted away. He feels secure now. He feels - he knows - Yao will love him and only him for who he is. He knows Yao will always be there for him. And he will always be there for Yao.
"Yao…" Kiku suddenly breaks the silence as they stare up at the large moon in each other's arms, "Happy August 18…my precious Yao." He squeezes the smaller one.
Yao nods again, snuggling into Kiku happily. "Yes."He smiles, feeling complete. "Happy
Anniversary…my dearest Kiku."
My Parent's anniversary is coming up on August 18, and I've decided to base this off of that. I think I fail at writing angst, ha ha ha. Sorry if I made Kiku a little out of character here. Comments and critiques are greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading!