Happy Birthday ShellSueD! I suspect you may recognize a few things mentioned in this story. All familiar characters are Janet's. The mistakes are solely mine.
"Hey, Steph?" Ram asked me, as I was on my way to the control room kitchen.
"Yeah?"
"Ummm, you're a girl ..."
"I was last time Ranger checked," I answered.
In fact, he had headed a hands-on investigation involving my anatomy early this morning right after he came back from the gym. I never would've called sweat a turn on for me until I woke up, rolled over, and was treated to the sight of Ranger's big body highlighted by it. I blame one bead of it for the up close and extremely personal nature of our 'good morning'. One drop of sweat had fallen from his temple, slowly ran down his face, dropped off the underside of his jaw, just to continue down the muscley playground that Ranger hadn't bothered covering up, since he was on his way to the shower. I was proud of how I was able to convince him that a shower could wait because both of us were about to become very sweaty.
My response, and whatever look my morning flashback caused, had Ram grimacing. I couldn't hold back a smile. They have no problem saying - and warning people - that I'm The Boss' woman, but none of the guys want to think about the ways that actually make me his.
"You were going to ask me something?" I prompted.
He wasn't in any hurry to talk now, probably wondering why he stopped me in the first place.
"Ah, yeah. You know how I've been seeing Karina?"
"Yup ... or Miss D'Atri as Lisa's kindergarten class calls her."
Kloughn's dad had a heart attack scare not too long ago and he had been rushed to the ER. Thankfully, he's okay. It turned out to have been just an Angina attack, but no one knew that at the time and both Valerie and Albert had shot to St. Francis as soon as they were called. Val was afraid she wouldn't be able to pick up Lisa from kindergarten, so she asked me if I could and Ram happened to be on 'protect Stephanie or I'll kill you' duty that day. To prove that he wasn't a creepy guy loitering outside a classroom filled with friendly five-year-olds, he showed Miss D'Atri his Rangeman/I'm that one's bodyguard ID, then he showed her his best smile. He praised Lisa for the fingerprint flowers she had made that day, Miss D'Atri was immediately charmed, and they've been each other's plus-one ever since.
"You two have been going strong for over four months now. That's a new control room record," I said, doing the dating-math in my head.
"It's hard enough to find someone who understands us, Steph. It's even harder to find a woman who'll put up with Rangeman hours that tend to be long and pretty unpredictable."
I bumped my shoulder playfully into his. "You have a point. Only the truly special people can see the teddy bears under the tattoos and terse statements. Which is how it should be. You guys DO NOT belong with anyone who can't or won't appreciate you."
The guys will brag for hours on end about how strong, smart, and superior, they are to each other in the gym or during any sport/activity they're kicking each other's asses in, but whenever I give them an honest compliment or say something about how great they are, they turn bright red or ashen gray and are barely able to mumble a mortified 'thank you'.
"Ranger doesn't have any tattoos," Ram pointed out to get the heat off himself, referring to my obsession with and addiction to their boss and one of us needing to have a certain mindset to have stayed together for as long as we have.
"He's the special one in our relationship."
"If he's the understanding/supportive one, that makes you the tattooed, 'terse', teddy bear, according to your theory. So you have a tattoo?!" He asked, shock exploding all over his face.
"It's possible," I told him, quickly darting my eyes to the carpet under my feet.
I DON'T, but he doesn't need to know that. I'm okay with racking up temporary cool points until someone sets him straight. Shit. I may have to get one now just to end the harassment they're going to subject me to for this little misdirection.
"We're not making much headway in this conversation," I said at his second pause. Hopefully, he didn't go quiet again because he's picturing 'my ink' and where it'd have to be for no one to know about it. "So ... you were going to ask me something that involves Karina?"
"Yeah. I need an idea of what to get her for her birthday. It's at the end of the month and I don't have a fucking clue where to start looking or what to look for."
"Is this shaping up to be a serious relationship? I asked him.
"Feels like it, so I don't wanna do just the flowers/dinner thing. I want to stand out from anyone else she's dated, like she has to me."
Great ... I have my first Rangeguy-crush starting. A strictly platonic one, though, since I still have a hard time seeing any guy as a MAN/man after being with Ranger. My man's not only the leader of the pack, he's what the entire male species should be modeled after.
"Let's see ... what would make you stand out besides the fact that you're cute, polite, ripped, you like animals, and you protect women and children on a daily basis?" I listed. "Plus, you have a good job and great friends like me."
"I sound good on paper ..."
"But you're freakin' amazing in reality. Don't ever doubt that, Ram."
Right on cue, he flashed me an embarrassed grin. "Thanks."
"You're welcome. Now, for a present ... you could make her something. Not many guys would do that when they can just grab whatever's handy in whatever store they're in."
"The only thing I can make is coffee. And even Binkie says it sucks."
"Good coffee could work if you want to start celebrating her day early."
"Ranger let me switch shifts with Ramon so I'm planning to, but I need more than caffeine ... like a prayer and a fucking chance in hell."
"We could kill two gifts with one coffee-related item. Last year, Eddie gave me a choice between enduring hell or withstanding a round of torture to repay one of the info-debts I owed him in the past. I could watch his monster-children for a night that would be five hours at a minimum, or I could take one of my cousin Shirley's craft classes so she'd stop whining to him that no one signed up again. You could make Karina some 'good morning' coffee and give her a dozen roses made from coffee filters ... that I unfortunately can tell you how to make. I'm a total Renaissance woman, so I can help you out with your coffee-making affliction, too."
"No offense, Steph, but that sounds more like a weird sort of housewarming gift, not a supposed-to-be-romantic birthday present."
"Hey, don't knock them. They're flowers that won't die, turn black, and start rotting, inside a week. But I am glad you said that, because I was just kidding. I spent the whole class either asking myself when it was going to end, or picturing Ranger naked. The only thing I remember from the two-hour class, which consisted of me and one other woman who I'm betting was another blackmailed friend - was what Shirley told us we were supposed to be learning how to make. Don't worry, I promise we'll figure something out for you," I told him, patting his arm soothingly. "She's a kindergarten teacher, so she must not hate easy art projects. Mary Lou's kids made her Mother's Day gifts she actually hung up. The boys just glued buttons to some type of paper in the shape of animals she likes. Does Karina have any pets?"
"She rescued a puppy a few weeks ago. His name's Atticus. Her cat, Simon, she's had forever."
"See, you could make a button-puppy that looks like Atticus and she'd love it." Maybe, if she's the kind of woman he deserves and not a heartless and materialistic skank-shrew like Joyce. "To keep her occupied during the last blizzard we had, Val helped Lisa make cats out of a couple rocks and some leftover craft-crap she had lying around, so Simon would be covered, too. No real animal lover could complain about those gifts."
I can't decide if his expression is just an exasperated one, or if he's seconds away from shouting ... 'I'm so fucked here!'
"Can you please be serious for a minute?" He asked me. "This is important."
We heard another voice before I had a chance to respond and admit that I'd been about thirty-percent serious.
"I thought you were going to meet me in my office for lunch?" Ranger asked, as per usual ... coming after me when it appears I've disappeared on him.
"I was on my way to get us some sandwiches, but Ram hit me with a crisis. Since you're here, you'd probably be much more help to Ram than I could be."
"What's wrong?" Ranger asked him.
"I need birthday ideas beyond the wine and dine her variety."
"We all know you're a badass with an attentive side, Batman," I said, "so what would you suggest? I'm batting zero."
"I appreciate you asking for help for me," Ram said to me, "but although I'm learning daily, I still don't know Karina like Ranger knows you. And while The Boss pays us well, I don't think I could pull off a Ranger-scale gift or surprise."
"Size doesn't matter in this case," I assured him. Size doesn't matter at all when it comes to Ranger. He's substantial in every conceivable way. "The thought behind it, or the consideration you put into it, is what'll get her to say those three important words ..."
"She already told me that she loves me ... on our fourth date. I'm that good."
"I'm sure you are, and I'm really happy for both of you, but the three words ... "that closet's yours" are what you want to hear."
"I have my own drawer in her apartment now," he informed us.
"A drawer means she likes having you around. A whole closet, or a good section of one, means she'd probably consider nesting for you."
"I never thought of it that way before."
"Of course you haven't. First off, you're a guy. And second, you don't see things the same way I do."
"No one sees things like you do, Babe."
"Good. I like being an original. So we need a unique, reasonably-priced, unguessable, present that you'll hopefully be still talking about in twenty years."
I hit the palm of my hand against my forehead, which earned me a narrow-eyed look from Ranger who then quickly confiscated my hand.
"I told you that you're not allowed to do that anymore," he lectured me. "Nobody hits you, including you."
"Sorry, but I just thought of the perfect gift that will be memorable, will make Karina feel really special, and will definitely separate you from the rest, Ram."
"What?"
"You said her birthday is at the end of the month, how many days are left before her big one?" I asked.
"Twenty-four."
I smiled so hard, my cheeks got almost as good a workout as my body did courtesy of Ranger this morning.
"That's perfect!" I told them.
"Care to fill us in on your perfect gift?" Ranger said to me.
"Sure. That way you both can tell me how brilliant and creative I am."
"Jesus, Steph, stop busting my balls already. This could be the mother of my future children we're talking about."
"Bring poor, defenseless babies into this, why don't you?"
"Babe," Ranger said, at the same time Ram whined out "Steph ..."
"Okay, okay. Keep your shirts on ... or don't," I said, smiling at them. "The view's a good one either way."
Ram flicked desperate eyes in Ranger's direction. Even though my guy finds me uniquely amusing, he doesn't like his men suffering unless it's in the gym and he's the reason.
"I can see that you're in a playful mood, and I'll be sure to let you have fun with me later," Ranger flirted, "but right now, we have a man almost down."
"Alright ... try this present on for size. You know those advent calendars?"
"The ones they put out for the holidays?" Ram said.
"Yeah. The cardboard cupboard-looking things that help countdown December 1st to the 25th where each day you get a piece of chocolate or a toy ..."
The light dawned and Ram finally got excited about an idea I suggested. "I could do something like that to check off each day leading up to her birthday. She'd be celebrated every day for almost a month, instead of only the day she was born on."
"You could do that ... or you could go the really sneaky route like I would and give it to her at 12AM at the very start of her birthday and tell her you'll help her open a box at every hour of her day."
"Which would ensure that Ram gets to stay with her for the entire day," Ranger finished. "No getting ditched when friends or family start showing up."
"I know," I told them, using Ranger's hand to pat myself on the back, "you're thinking scary genius, right?"
"I was thinking I love you even more for coming up with something like this."
"I sorta screwed myself, though," I said. "I could've kept the idea to myself and used it on you in August."
"That's why we all love you, Steph," Ram told me. "You're smart, a smartass, and you're completely selfless. You'll always take one for the team."
"All in the name of love and your future babies," I said back. "I guess now we move onto Phase 2 of our plan, helping you figure out twenty-four small but meaningful gifts for your lady."
"I don't know where to start," he admitted. "Shit. I just went from needing one gift, to requiring twenty-four."
"Lucky for you, I can be an excellent shopper, now that we have a direction to go in. I'm also a total romantic when the romance doesn't involve me."
"Steph doesn't make spoiling her easy, does she?" Ram asked Ranger.
"No, she doesn't, but I've always enjoyed a good challenge."
Challenge him I do, but we both love every second of our clashes. Fortunately for me, romance flows through Ranger's veins. And lucky for him, I'm a quick learner where he's concerned.
My brain had another idea-storm, but I decided to be mature and I kept the head-smacks and back-pats mental.
"Get ready to name your firstborn after me," I warned Ram. "You can easily accomplish a gift home base by sweet-talking Ella out of twenty-four of those fancy little boxes she hands out when she makes everyone candy apples. You could glue the bottom of them to something in a square/present shape ... and voilà ... you're done, aside from filling them."
He thought about it for a minute. "That could work. I am one of Ella's favorites."
"I'd offer to reimburse her," I advised, "just in case."
"I was planning to ask Louis to order replacements first so she can't tell me to put my money away because I'll already have paid for them."
"You really are such a good guy. Karina's lucky," I said to him.
I then looked over at Ranger and my eyes clearly told him ... 'She's not as lucky as I am, because I have you.' The quick, hard kiss I got from Ranger probably appeared unexpected, but my lips were already braced for him.
The three of us crowded into my cubby, luckily still needing only the two chairs I have in it because I chose to sit on Ranger's lap. He had taken the seat at my desk after all so it only made sense. We put our heads together to come up with a list, and after twenty minutes I was happy with what Ram came up with, needing only a little help from us.
His impending treasure hunt will include a small bottle of Karina's favorite perfume, a snack-stack of the brown sugar/chocolate chip oatmeal cookies she loves, doggy-treat for Atticus, a tube of the lipstick he jokes he keeps kissing off her, a pocket-size but still deadly knife for protection when he can't be there to protect her himself.
That one got a heartfelt 'Awww' out of me because it is something Ranger has done himself for me. My revolver wasn't considered a 'real gun' in his mind, and it was replaced as soon as he got me on the payroll.
We added a catnip toy to keep Simon occupied and hopefully off and away from Ram's back where he likes to sleep. A gift card to the coffee shop Karina stops at on her way to work every morning was a must, as was a scratch-off ticket that if she's lucky will help with a lingering student loan. She's a woman after my own heart and has a sizable chocolate-habit, so Ram told me to write in Hershey Kisses that way she'll have a kiss from him anytime she needs one. My hand got a cramp as I wrote a pocket-sized horseshoe for good luck and because she loves horses, and I also put down a handwritten note from Ram saying 'I love you', along with dinner reservations at the place they had their first date, a necklace from a buddy of his who makes jewelry out of recycled black market guns and ammo. He gives the proceeds back to communities hit hardest by gun violence.
We were almost there. Two tickets to an art show Karina's been wanting to see took care of another box. A small box of birthday cake-flavored truffles would fill another. A bead bracelet made by Ram's adorable seven-year-old niece Abigail, I thought, was a particularly sweet gift. So was the single preserved white rose blossom he'd get from his sister - Abigail's Mom - who conveniently happens to be a florist.
The champagne-flavored jelly beans got an eyebrow raise from Ranger, but he didn't question the celebratory sentiment behind them. Ram wanted to include a tiny teddy bear as a nod to my earlier comment, plus a temporary tattoo-reminder that he loves her, along with a pair of fluffy socks to combat her always cold feet that he finds as endearing as she finds them annoying. For added luck, he'll be on the hunt to find a pair of pretty four-leaf clover earrings, and also have a fortune cookie made with a personal message from him inside it, which I tried to push him into sharing.
After a pause that had me believing he wouldn't answer, Ram said with a totally straight face. "I was thinking of having it say ... 'If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he naked or homeless?'"
I just about became chairless when I almost fell off Ranger as I shoved Ram for being such a wiseass. My 'chair' came equipped with iron like-arms and rattler-reflexes, so my ass stayed on Ranger's lap and off the floor.
"You pose an interesting question," I answered, "but we should know if paramedics will be needed when Karina opens the cookie, unless you really don't want to tell us. I'm nosy, but I can respect someone's privacy."
"I was just fucking with you, Steph. My cookie is going to tell Karina ... 'The love of your life is right in front of you'."
"That is a good future-predictor," I said. "Just make sure you're the only one with her when she cracks it open ... or things could get awkward."
"Gotcha."
What had both Ranger and I going on alert despite the pretty romantic stuff he didn't mind sharing, was Ram suddenly taking the notepad away from me that I'd been in charge of up until that point. Even more shocking, was next to the box's number that would be opened on Karina's birthday - or the last hour of it depending when he presents this to her - Ram wrote in all capital letters ... A RING SHE WON'T BE ABLE TO SAY NO TO, after he had glanced down at my five-carated finger.