Katniss. Katniss Everden. Katniss Everden was going to die. Katniss was going to die. The words seemed to run circles in my brain, never ending, just a repeating loop that made it hard to think. Just watch, watch her survive for another minute, another hour, another day. But every second there was an imaginary timer running over her head, ticking down the seconds until a knife was driven into her back. Before she was attacked by some rabid animal or ate something poisonous. Before a loud cannon was blasted into the air and her face appeared on a screen telling the world that she was dead.
It was getting harder to watch the mandatory viewing sessions, but I found my eyes glued to the screen. Every word that escaped her lips was precious; it was hard to watch the others plot to kill her. I was glad when she made an alliance with that young girl. At first I thought she'd made a bad choice. That she would die protecting the girl. But it was hard not to love that sweet little child that reminded me so of Prim. Just small and helpless and wanting to be protected and protect Katniss all at the same time.
Watching her die was hard, the expression on Katniss's face was like a blow to my own stomach. She'd never intended to love that girl, I knew. But she had anyways. But deep down I knew this was easier. This way she would have one less friend to kill.
It was odd to be apart from her. She'd been a part of me for so long that it felt odd with her not by my side. I didn't like the twinge I felt when she called Peeta's name unwillingly, the way her hand immediately clasped over her mouth and her eyes darting around to see if anyone had heard. I didn't like his little declaration of love, or the way that they stood as a united front, as if they were one person. I didn't like the way he was always standing up for her, even when it was keeping her alive.
I was watching them on the screen, much better out on the deserted streets then in our crowded living room, and my brow creased with worry. She wasn't safe with him. He was sick and ill and a liability that she would protect. She had woven him into her life and now that he was on her team she would protect him even more fiercely than she had Rue. They were talking in quiet subdued voice and I had to strain my ears to hear their whispered words.
Then she was leaning in and kissing him straight on the mouth. And that boy was looking up at her like she was angel come to save him. And I knew right then and there that he loved her. He hadn't planned on coming into the arena, but now that he was there he would do whatever he could to keep her safe. I didn't know how she felt about him, whether she thought he was handsome, or sweet, or brave. But she would try to keep him alive, and he her. And I let out a sigh of relief; she was safer if he loved her. Because that boy could never betray her. For the first time since Katniss had entered the arena I felt hope.
It didn't matter that I hated the way she leaned down to kiss him awake. That the first thing he saw when his tired eyes opened was her face. It was all for the best in the end. The only thing that mattered was that she made it back. I could live with anything that happened as long as she was happy and safe. Alive preferably.
If you'd talked to me several weeks ago about Katniss I would have told you she was like my little sister. My best friend, someone I could tell anything to with no fear of rebuttal, no secretes. But now, my feelings and thoughts seemed to swirl around in an endless mess and I couldn't distinguish what was what. Everything was thrown into a frenzy at the thought of losing her. My every muscle seemed tense all the time, I was always waiting, waiting, watching, wondering, it was always on my mind. Drifting at the edge of every thought.
It was scary this need I felt. I'd never wanted anything more than to have Katniss alive and well, back home in District 12. Striding by me, the days catch swung over her shoulder. Telling me about her day, about something that had happened to Prim. Smiling and laughing, I would do anything to get her away from that horrible arena. From death and starvation, from human blood staining her hands. And instinctively I knew that Peeta would too.
He had the chance too. That boy would die for her ten million times over. I could see it in the way he wrapped a sickly arm around her as she lay down beside her. The way he pressed his face into her hair while she slept. And I'm not ashamed to admit that I was jealous. Not of their situation. No one would want to be Peeta in that way. Not being able to protect the one he loved. It was why everyone loved them, everyone who watched them's heart broke. It was a sad story admittedly; everyone in the world besides the players knew that they wouldn't let them stay teamed up. It was a ploy; a way to bait the audience with their beloved star crossed lovers and then have them kill each other. Heart breaking.
But I was jealous that he could be that close to her. Even when he knew the entire world was watching, he could lean in and kiss her. Or wrap her arm around herm, hold her tight to him. She would let him, and I'd never get that chance. I knew that, now. However unlikely it seemed, she was his. Unknowingly and somewhat unwillingly he'd drawn her in, and now they were attached. I didn't know how I could tell by just watching them from a safe distance away, but I just knew.
I sighed, sliding my back down against the coal covered wall, I adjusted myself into a somewhat comfortable position and lean my head against the cool cement, letting out a deep breath. Eyes seemed drawn back to the screen which switched between the other tributes planning each others deaths and Peeta and Katniss sleeping in each others arms. I knew it was time for me to leave, I'd been standing outside in the dark for too long, but my muscles didn't want to comply. My eyes were fixated on the screen. For as long as they had to endure it, I would too. Standing watch from afar. Suffering in silence, my pain kept to myself. Watching, waiting, wondering.