This is a (soft) Cockles.
It is FICTION not reality…
I have too much respect for Jensen Ackles and his wife Danneel and for Misha Collins and his wife Vickie for this fic to be taken out of its context.
I hope you'll enjoy reading this fic as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Thank you to my Beta Kiki….
"A simple love story"
He had always known, from his adolescence, or rather, indeed, from his first feelings.
Not that he did not assume, it's just he didn't know how to deal with his conflicting emotions assailing him.
His mother was open-minded, she would have understood, and even if he was sure she was hurt, she would have support his son's life choices ...
Raised by artist parents and immersed himself in the environment from a young age, he still grew as a child and a normal teenager ...
His first flirtation was one of his classmates ... His first sexual experience was with one of his friend's sister ...
He had loved his first 2 experiences, he enjoyed the company of women ... He was rather handsome, kind and caring ...People liked him.
However It didn't prevented him from being attracted to men ... He loved to watch his friends running naked in front of him without embarrassment, after baseball trainings ... They wasn't seeing anything wrong, he had the reputation of a heart breaker, they were even a little jealous of this fop that every girls liked, and every guys agreed… He was a faithful and loyal friend ...
In addition, this little Texan boy sure had a sense of humour...
The years went by and what had to happen happened : one day he met one of his sister's gay friend who saw right through him.
Mark had come to him with tact ... He finally confessed his desires, his fantasies too ...
He said he never made the first move because he had never found the man with whom he would take a chance...
For him, it would be like jumping into the unknown and he wasn't ready to do that yet... He didn't feel guilty for being attracted to men ... However he didn't assume very well to satisfy his desires alone, only dreaming about the boy's face he liked. The only problem was this guy declared himself as very straight...
The gay friend laughed ... Those straight guys were probably as straight as him ... And maybe they were dreaming about him as much as he did... It made him laugh too ...
They were often together ... For him, it was kind of a release to know he could share his other true personality with someone who doesn't judge...
And what had to happen, happened…
Sharing a first kiss ... He enjoyed it and knew what he felt was more than fantasy, it was now an obvious desire... But he didn't like Mark that much, physically speaking, and he liked him as a friend, not as a lover...
Mark understood, the kiss was just a way to show him he was ready ... and when the man he was looking for would come, he would know.
He wasn't bisexual... He loved women, he loved to be with them, he liked to make love to them, share some moments of his life with them, but he was sure about one thing : his true love would be a man.
His life went by with those two halves of him, in perfect harmony.
He moved to Los Angeles to take acting lessons and step by step he found his place in this carreer.
He had different opportunities ... He was first hired in a soap opera, he was not very fond of those series but it was still a way to step in the business. He liked the atmosphere of sets, it was also a great opportunity to learn the hidden side of this job…
One thing leading to another, from a show to another, he ended up in front of Eric Kripke.
And then fate took a hand on him.
A character was about to give him the recognition he was looking for ... Dean Winchester ...
In 2007, he auditioned for a role in a small modest film that would mark a turning point in his life ... A magical encounter ... Danneel Harris ...
From that day they have been inseparable…
He said everything to her ... She was his confidant, his other half…His truth ... She accepted him with the dark side he revealed to her...
She smiled.
"So… One day I will have to share you with a man"
He said he didn't know yet but if one day he'd met who he was looking for ... then yeah ...
He would understand if she'd want to give their plans up, but he wanted to be honest with her because he loved her.
And because she loved him, she accepted ...
They married in 2007 ...
The next year, a voice, a face, blue eyes would change his life ... The match he had been waiting forever...
Danneel felt it before he did ... When for the first time he invited him home, this man and his wife ...
She knew and obviously Vickie did too ...
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He was born from the love of two cultures and his name already foreshadowed what he would become... Being named after your mom's first love is uncommon...
He had a hard but happy childhood ... Between hard times and small joys ... Those kind of childhoods that shapes the man you are for better or for worse ...
He was rather clever and smart ... He knew how to take advantage of this chaotic youth ... Behind his extrovert look and caustic humor was hiding a reserved and thoughtful man even though he loved to shine in society, a form of revenge on his past ...
He came through studies rather brilliantly. He even ended at the White House where his brief stay under Clinton's reign disgusted him forever from active politics ...
He met Vickie during his studies, they never leaved each other ... She was his soul mate ... The companion of a lifetime.
He started an educational software company but decided to give it all up to become an artist.
He went to Los Angeles ... She followed him ...
He was the artist/craftsman kind of guy ... From wood to camera to writing, for him, everything was the same ... He liked challenges, especially when he succeeded.
In 2002, he married Vickie ... With her, he shared everything, even his sexologist's fantasies...
He had some hard times going from a little part to another, but he lived it pretty well, and then he crossed Eric Kripke's way.
And fate took a hand on him ...
In 2008, he met the gaze of a man who shook his convictions ...
Vickie, her confidant, knew before he did ...
When she met him for the first time and she became close to Danneel, the two women knew.
A silent agreement ... The price of love ...
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They had an appointment like every month, when the show's schedule allowed them to escape and find each other.
He went his way, and he went his own… Avoiding fans always there and ready to jump, not that they were ashamed of their love, quite the opposite ...
But they were both married, and both loved their wives ... A paradox in their lives... They didn't want to cause any harm to anyone and certainly not to their wives they worshiped.
Jensen arrived first ... He opened the door of the little cottage Ben rented for them ... He knew this couple's unusual secret since they first met. Most of the staff also knew but nobody said anything, like an implied agreement between them ... Even Jared was silent ... Jensen and Misha had no need to say it, it was so obvious anyway ... Living with them more than with his own family, he could read through the unsaid words... As long as everything was fine, nothing would spread and it was good like that.
Some fans had understood, viewed, analyzed their relationship but neither one nor the other ever confirmed. Misha couldn't stop enjoying the rumors and playing with the situation, mostly during conventions... But with him, you never know when fiction stops and when reality begins, it was Misha's strengh ...
It was making their relationship more spicy, so were all those Destiel references in the series that the writers put in evidence, thinking more about this unofficial couple evolving in front of them and not about the characters of the show.
Neither Jensen nor Misha ever made a move on set, but their eyes were speaking more than words would.
This team was a big family and what should remain in the family, remained in family ...
Years went by ...
Going on between tears and sorrow ... But they never lost each other...
Life went on, Misha had a son ... Jensen felt betrayed for no reason, no logic ... He knew that Misha still loved Vickie, as he still loved Danneel ... He knew he always wanted children ...
He also wanted but Danneel was struggling to take that step, mostly due to the fact her husband has a parallel life...
She accepted this love, she loved Misha, which was surprising as she was more of an old school girl and a little uptight, she had left this strange animal in her life anyway because he found a way to free her.
She could see beyond the image he reflected that he had done the same with her.
She confessed to Jensen that she was afraid one day he would leave everything ... She had long time realized he and Misha had become vital to each other.
They need to breathe each other, to live each other ...
It was not jealousy but most the fear of losing him ...
It was Misha who made them talk to each other, revealing themselves ...
Jensen became a father too and he was ecstatic ...it would be something new to share with the man he loved more than his own life ...
He had lit a fire in the fireplace ... It was not really necessary, he was not cold but Jensen loved this heat ... He loved to be on the cushions on the floor with her boyfriend leaning on his shoulder, watching the flames dancing...
He remembered their first meeting, the shock it was for him, his blue eyes drowned in his own ...
Misha confessed later that he had never felt attracted to men before meeting his gaze, he had been curious about it as any self-respecting teenager but without feeling the slightest attraction to the body of a man ... It was still fantasy and it was something he always hoped for, to Misha, it was just an upheaval ...
They became friends the first day ... Strange friendship made of innocent physical contact , rubbing, caresses, furtively exchanged glances…Need from each other ...
Jensen opened his heart to his wife ... He didn't know how to tell Misha he loved him ... how to say that to a man ? he had never done this before and especially he was afraid his feelings weren't shared.
Eric said that Misha would be here only for a few episodes ... With a little help from Danneel, he dared ... if he had to lose him ... He could only suffer even more pushing the deadline.
He invited him to his trailer ... Misha arrived make-up off but still wearing Castiel's trenchcoat.
Jensen was uncomfortable, Eric had just announced to the team that Misha would be recurring for Season 5, it should remain a secret for another 4 months ... He was delighted, Jensen was too but he was also terrorized...
If Misha reacted badly to his statement, it could change the situation and Jensen didn't want that, but he couldn't go on doing as nothing happened, it was just impossible to live, undeclared love was eating him from the inside.
He asked Misha to sit down and sat next to him ... Misha remained silent ... Jensen looked down at him :
"I don't know where to start"
"Then start by the end" He smiled ... Jensen smiled in return, he couldn't help it, he wasn't strong enough, he was making him feel really alive, he also killed him sometimes.
Jensen closed his eyes, remembering two days ago, at his place when his wife had invited the couple to dinner to learn to know them better ... He saw Vickie and Danneel talking together in the living room while he spoke job with Misha.
He learned later that they were talking about them ... They knew it, but did Vickie tell her husband about it?
"Jens? '
He put his hand on his knees. Jensen looked at him in his eyes.
"Shit, Misha ... Don't look at me like that" he begged
"You wanted to see me? "
"Did Vickie say anything?"
"About what? "He seemed suddenly a little worried
"You're not making it easy, you know"
"Jens ... But what's happening to you today? "
Jensen stood up exploding :
"I love you, idiot, that's what's happening ! " he shouted
He turned back, he didn't want to look at him, that face ... He didn't want to see his amazement, or his disgust ...
Not a sound, not a word, not even a tiny sarcastic answer... just silence…
Invasive and heavy silence…
"So what are we supposed to do now ? "
"Pardon? "Jensen turned, surprised.
Misha looked at his hands folded on his knees, leaning forward.
"I don't know how to do... To love you as you want."
"Mish…" he said between joy and doubt.
"I never loved a man ... This is a thing that slapped me without warning ... How can I do to love you, Jensy?"
He raised a quizzical look on his friend.
"Misha" He stepped forward and crouched in front of him.
They looked at each other a long time ... He should take the initiative, Misha was lost.
He lifted his hand and laid it softly on his cheek. Misha smiled.
"And now you're supposed to kiss me and realize that being gay is cool"
"Shut up" he whispered.
He stroked his thumb under his eye. Misha allowed himself to be lulled. Jensen stood up slightly and brought his face close to his.
He tensed, reluctant, but Misha didn't reject his caress.
He brushed his lips, took a breath ... And suddenly Misha took the lead, he grabbed Jensen's neck and their lips met.
He let go ... A violent, angry kiss, full of desire and anger melted with discovery and doubt.
Misha pushed him back violently, breathless, blushing ...
"Shit" was all he found to say. He stood up, leaving Jensen stunned, knelt on the ground.
He left the trailer, he called sick and left the set.
Filming was stopped till the day after.
Jensen ate with Jared who joked all along to lighten the heavy atmosphere.
"Well I thought you would be glad that Misha is ours next year ..." he sighed, drinking his beer.
"Sorry… It's not that, I'm happy for him ... I'm not feeling really well, that's all ... I'm going home, I'm tired"
Jared looked worried
"You sure you okay? '
"Yes, yes ... it will be ok ... I probably ate something bad"
"See you tomorrow? "
"See you tomorrow ... Bye" giving him a big smile ... He greeted the team as he went out ... He would sleep in his trailer tonight ...
When he arrived, Misha was waiting sitting on the steps ...Wearing jean pants and black shirt with rolled up sleeves ... his heart tugged.
"Misha? "
"May I come in? "
"S-Sure… of course" he stammered.
As soon as the door closed, Misha took his face between his hands and kissed him ... It was the first real kiss of a long series ...
Jensen smiled setting fireplace back.
The first time is always awkward ... As all their first times together were... They were discovering each other, they had to learn ...
Now he couldn't imagine a single day without the smell of his skin ...
Make love to him was the most amazing thing and the most beautiful he had ever done or experienced ... He needed to feel him inside of him ... to feel their body and soul melting...
Love in its purest sense ... They were each other oxygen...
He called Danneel that evening and confessed... He felt her voice breaking, she might've known that would happen, she lived in the hope of keeping Jensen just for her.
They spoke little, silence hung between two breaths ... When he hung up, he knew she was crying ... He wiped his own tears ... Love always rhymed with grief.
Misha did the same, Vickie was more open-minded on the subject but she couldn't stop worrying anyway ... He reassured her... He would never leave her alone ... You can love two persons at the same time, mostly when the other is not of the same sex ... she hung up, but she couldn't sleep that night.
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He heard a car parking ... A door slamming ... He felt his heart beating faster, deeper.
They would finally be together ... He missed him, his body, their moments together. He missed his laughter, his sighs ...
He entered and approached Jensen who didn't look back.
He just wanted to feel him close ... He let him come to him.
But it was not his perfume that he breathed ... Not his step that he heard.
A sudden fear ...
He turned around... It was Ben, his eyes filled with tears.
" What happened? " worried Jensen
"Is it Misha? " he pressed, pleading Edlund's gaze.
"IS IT MISHA ?…ANSWER ME !..." his voice choked
"He was caught in a pileup on the road ... I'm sorry" He was crying now.
"No," Jensen murmured
"No ..."
"He died instantly, he didn't suffer ..."
"No ... No ... No ... NO ... NO"
His legs gave up and suddenly life stopped.
Jensen never recovered from the death of his lover, his friend and companion ... Danneel, a few months later gave birth to a little girl, he gave her Misha as her middle name…
He refused to sign for one more season but honored his contract during the current one, he collapsed when they called an understudy actor for ending Castiel's character ...
When the series came to an end, he asked Kripke and Singer's permission to do an epilogue in the last episode ... He spoke first to Danneel and Vickie who gave their agreements ...
Jensen told the whole truth ... The truth ...
He thanked the team who knew but didn't say anything.
Thanked his wife whom he loved more than anything and Vickie for letting him share the love they both vowed to Misha.
He spoke of the man who shook his life, the man who was the love of his life.
Misha was missing a little more every day ... It wasn't for his daughter, he would have followed him everywhere despite all the love he had for Danneel.
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7 months later ...
Danneel came home from work early that day, her feminine intuition screamed that something horrible had happened ...
She called, no answer. She went upstairs ...He wasn't there.
She took her car ... The phone rang ... It was Vickie
"Dannie?...Jens called me ... He told me to take care of yourself and the little one... What's going on? ..." She had tears in her voice.
Edlund had kept the renting for the house ... Jensen had asked him as a last favor ...
She came in screaming his name ... The TV was on ... Frozen image of Misha on it.
His first appearance on the show, this angel who changed his life so much ...
She was scared to approach the couch ... She knew ...
She was already crying when she saw him. He had cut his wrists ... His eyes never left the screen.
A picture of him and Misha on his thighs.
She collapsed, her head on the laps of the man she loved more than anything.
He had left a note on the table.
"Forgive me
Kiss my little angel for me and tell her that Daddy's watching over her from heaven.
I love you and I will always love you, my love.
But I miss him to death…
Jensen. '
END