How much time? by fang_shinobi
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does. I also don't own the Sha no Sha special chapter (read it!) or the Naruto art books. Haruka Kanata by Kung Fu Generation and Namikaze Satellite by Snorkel.
A/N: Resubmitted from my collection of one shots, MBF. I've taken it down and reposted each one shot.
SPOILER Warning: Spoilers galore. You have been warned. SPOILERS!
…
The camera pans around in a dizzying circle, capturing what seems to be one of the numerous Konoha training grounds. It quickly pans over Naruto about a dozen times, who is frantically waving his hand in an attempt to capture the cameraman's attention.
The camera finally slows down and stops to face Naruto, and he holds up a microphone and says, "Urgh, I think you made me sick there… Um, oh yeah." He holds up a peace sign and smiles widely at the camera. "Hey there everyone! This is me, the ever awesome Uzumaki Naruto, the host of your favorite show Stuff you'd never get the chance to ask your favorite Naruto cast that we get to ask them! Wow, that was a mouthful.
"Anyway, this is the show where – oh, come on, people, do I have to explain what the show's about? The title's self-explanatory!" he shouts to someone off-screen.
He frowns and turns his attention back to the camera. "Fine." He flashes a smile before continuing. "This is the show where we ask your favorite Naruto cast the questions you've always wanted to ask but never get to!"
…
A blank black screen fades in, and Haruka Kanata plays faintly in the background.
The following text appears in white block letters, as Naruto voices over.
How much time do you spend in front of the mirror everyday?
"Today's question is: How much time do you spend in front of the mirror everyday?"
The black screen fades out together with the background music.
…
Cuts to a wide shot of an open area surrounded by thick trees, where Naruto is seen with Kakuzu.
"Hello, everyone! This is me, Uzumaki Naruto, together with Kakuzu-san!"
"Could you get this over with?" the Akatsuki member grunts in annoyance.
"Yeah, yeah, I hear you. So, how much time do you spend in front of a mirror everyday?"
"What? Do people actually waste time in front of a mirror everyday?"
"Yeah, some people do."
"Time is money, and that's not something I can afford to waste. Can I go now?"
"Ooh, me! Me!" Tobi suddenly runs into the shot, just in front of Kakuzu, who stalks out unnoticed.
Naruto repeats the question. "Okay, Tobi-san, how much time do you spend in front of a mirror everyday?"
"Lots!" he exclaims, raising his arms in the air.
"Really? Why exactly would you do that for? You wear a mask."
"Wait a sec!" He suddenly disappears into some sort of tiny black hole, leaving a bewildered Naruto staring at the spot where his interviewee was standing just a moment ago. Tobi then reappears a few seconds later with a full-length mirror. Naruto stares in disbelief at the prop.
"You see, I spend lots and lots of time practicing stuff I say to Deidara-sempai!" he explains, holding the mirror between him and Naruto.
"Tooooooobi!" someone screams from off-screen.
The camera turns and captures Deidara marching into the scene, his face red with rage. The camera returns to its original position as Deidara enters the shot, screaming at Tobi.
"What the hell are you talking about, Tobi?" he yells.
"Look, look!" shouts Tobi, facing the mirror, on which Deidara is reflected as well, "Deidara-sempai! Your face looks even funnier on a mirror!"
Deidara, screaming profanities that are censored by beeps, lunges at Tobi, who runs for it.
Naruto watches them run around the cameraman and reappear on the other side of the shot. They zoom past Naruto, almost knocking him down. He signals for the camera to stop, and the video cuts to the next scene.
…
Cuts to a mid-shot of Kurenai sitting up in a hospital bed. Naruto sits on a chair beside the bed, holding the mic near her mouth.
"Oh, that's an easy question," she says. "I used to spend I don't know how long in front of the mirror. But with this little guy," she strokes the big bump on her stomach, "make-up has taken a back seat in my priorities."
"So you don't spend much time in front of the mirror anymore?"
"I barely do. You know how it is with pregnant women."
"Nope, no, I don't."
"Well, we tend to eat and drink water a lot." She laughs. "It's a bit embarrassing, really."
"Oh, so that's how it is. Anyway, you don't look like you need much make-up anymore."
"It's the hormones."
…
Cuts to a wide shot capturing the counter top and the adjacent shelves of the Yamanaka flower shop. Naruto and Ino are standing in front of the counter.
The camera zooms in to a close-up of Ino, who winks at it.
"So how much do you spend?" asks Naruto from off-screen.
"Well, you know, it takes a lot of time to achieve such perfection," she says confidently with a flip of her blond ponytail.
…
Cuts to a close-up shot of Sasuke. He notices the camera's proximity and glares at it, causing the cameraman to pull away.
"That's the stupidest question you've asked me, you know," he tells Naruto, who is somewhere off-screen.
"Just answer it, teme," answers Naruto's voice. "I don't make the questions."
The camera turns to take a mid-shot of the blond interviewer, who forces a smile and pushes the camera back to face Sasuke.
"None. It's a waste of time." Sasuke rolls his eyes.
Naruto's hand reaches up and touches Sasuke's face. "Well, you have something on your face," says Naruto, rubbing at his friend's face with the tips of his fingers.
Sasuke hits his friend's hand away in annoyance. "No, I don't."
"Yes, you do."
"No, I don't."
"Yes, you do. You better check that mirror, teme."
…
Cuts to another close-up of Ino. "Well, if I'm in a hurry, I only take about thirty minutes."
…
Cuts to a mid-shot of Sakura, blushing at the question.
"Well, I'm a busy girl," she admits, apparently embarrassed. "I'm not as glitzy as other girls, like Ino, you know."
"So, your answer would be…?" Naruto asks off-screen.
The camera zooms in on the kunoichi, and she puts a hand on the lens. "Can – can I not answer this question?"
"Would that be none? A bit? A lot?"
Sakura frowns at him.
…
Cuts to a shot of a mid-shot of Naruto and Orochimaru, sitting in what seems to be one of the latter's many underground laboratories.
Naruto looks around suspiciously at the devices and samples on the tables and cabinets, especially on the white, manicured arm that could be seen in one corner of the shot, propped up on one of the tables. A familiar ring is mounted on one of its fingers, whichever it was, the blond nin was too disturbed to try and identify.
"So, let's get this over with, Orochimaru. Can I call you Oro?"
"That's Orochimaru to you, you little, disrespectful brat."
"Well, that's Naruto to you, Oro-jiisan. Anyway, just answer the question."
"Why you little–" Orochimaru straightens as if to launch himself at Naruto, only to restrain himself and relax back into his chair. "No, I don't spend that much time in front of the mirror. I'm a busy man."
"The fan boys insist. They say you treat your hair a lot, like with straightening chemicals and that sort of crap."
"What fan boys?"
"Um, slash that out. I meant the anti-Orochimaru fan boys."
"I don't have a large following, do I?"
"Oh, it's okay. The author of this fan fic loves you. Anyway, is that just shampoo? Or do you have it salon-straightened?"
"Why can't you people just accept that my hair is natural?"
"Uh, the rest of your body isn't exactly all-natural, y'know." Naruto starts staring at the white arm again. "So, whose body are you using? Is it a chick again?"
"No."
"So how did that work? Did you, like, have that time of month too?
"That's an inappropriate question."
"I bet you did."
"Shall we get back to the question?"
"Well, unless you transplant your original hair on, that is not natural." Naruto stares at the arm again.
"Could you stop staring at that arm?"
"Is that the original one?"
"Perhaps."
"Crap, Sasuke shouldn't have killed you. There's much we could learn from you. Like transplanting hair."
"I did not transplant my hair."
"Then it's a wig?"
Orochimaru doesn't reply.
…
Cuts to yet another close-up of Ino. "If I think I might see Sai within the day, I usually spend more time in front of the mirror – oh! Don't tell him I do that. He might think I'm vain!"
…
Cuts to a wide shot of Naruto and Haku sitting in a field of herbs surrounded by trees.
"Yo, we're on scene somewhere in Wave country," says Naruto, saluting to the camera. He turns to Haku and says, "Yo, Neesan, I mean, Haku-san. You haven't changed one bit since you died – er, I mean, since we last met."
"It's okay, Naruto-kun, I've gone to a better place now, so I don't mind that much."
"Yeah, so you say. You haven't grown one bit, have you? I'm taller than you now. Hm, and you're still cuter than Sakura."
"I heard that!" an enraged Sakura's voice is heard from off-screen.
"Anyway, how is Zabuza? I assume he's gone to the same place you have."
"Yup. He sends his regards, especially to you. He says thanks."
"Tell him no prob." Naruto blushes at Haku's sweet smile.
"You idiot!" Sakura stage-whispers from off-screen. "Haku's a boy!"
"Well, he's cuter than you," Naruto stage-whispers back.
Haku smiles and says, "So, about that question…"
"Yeah, yeah, so Haku-san, how much time did you spend in front of the mirror everyday? Before you, uh, went to a better place."
"Hm, let me see. Um, about twenty minutes to wash, moisturize, cream and another twenty for make-up. If you paid attention to the Naruto art book, you can actually see my make-up."
"Yeah, yeah, I noticed. You still look prettier than Sakura without it anyway."
"Naruto!" shouts Sakura from off-screen.
"How about Zabuza?" asks Naruto, ignoring his pink-haired teammate.
"Hm, Zabuza-san rarely looks at a mirror," says Haku. "I really don't mind. Zabuza is perfect the way he is."
"Haku's so cute," says Naruto, practically drooling.
Sakura stomps into the shot and drags Naruto away. Haku waves goodbye.
…
Cuts to a wide shot of a dark room lit by candles, somewhere presumably underground, where Naruto is seen together with God-Realm Pain, sitting on couches.
"So is it five minutes? Ten? Fifteen? Half an hour?"
God-Realm Pain shoots him a look that looks as annoyed as his limited facial expressions could permit.
"C'mon, you gotta spend at least some time with those things on your face." Naruto points at his own face.
"I don't remove them," replies Pain.
"Ew." Naruto scrunches his face thoughtfully for a few seconds. "So does that have something to do with some secret jutsu or your fancy eyes?"
Demon-Realm and Hell-Realm Pain appear behind Naruto, grunting.
Naruto turns around slowly and sees the two big guys.
"Well, that was God-Realm Pain," Naruto says with a gulp, signaling frantically for the cameraman to cut the film.
…
Cuts to yet another close-up of Ino. "If I'm on a mission, I don't have a dresser, so I make do with ten to twenty minutes on my compact, if time permits."
…
Cuts to a close-up of Tsunade, the walls of her office evident in the background.
"If I give you an A-Rank mission," she says, looking at someone off-screen, "would you get this camera out of my office?" A bulging vein is evident on her brow despite the smile on her face. "I'm busy, you know." She motions to her desk filled with paper work.
"Hell yeah!" shouts Naruto, his hand covering the camera as he turns it to face him. He releases the lens, glaring at the camera. "You have to go! Now!"
…
Cuts to a mid-shot of Naruto and Sai sitting at Ichiraku's.
"Let me see…" says Sai. "Usually, after I read one of those books about socializing with people, I practice conversation in front of the mirror."
"I see," says Naruto. "So how long do you take?"
Sai counts on his fingers. "Approximately two to three hours a day, that is, if I've been reading."
Naruto lets out a backwards whistle. "That's a lot of practice."
…
Cuts to a shot showing the office of the Kazekage, Gaara sitting at the desk, his siblings flanking both sides like sentries.
"You came all the way to Suna to ask us that?" asks Temari in disbelief in a close-up shot.
"Well, you ran away when I saw you with Shikamaru, so I may as well go here to ask the rest of you. By the way, where can I find Chiyo?"
"Chiyo is dead," says Gaara, the camera zooming in on him.
"I know, but I just interviewed Orochimaru and most of Akatsuki, though they're all supposed to be dead."
"That's a good point," says Kankurou as the camera focuses on him.
"Anyway, can you just answer the question already?" asks Naruto, still off-screen.
"None," Gaara says quickly as the camera zooms out to include him in the shot.
"Nothing gets on his face except his own sand," says Kankurou in explanation. "Me, I just spend five minutes for the war paint. Another five to get it off."
"Don't you check if the make-up – I mean – war paint wears off? Pretend you didn't hear that."
"Pretending," says Kankurou. "No, I just wait till it smudges off on my hand or something."
Camera zooms out to include Temari. She sighs and says, "Only about a couple of minutes just before I leave the house, since I don't really focus much attention on my face. And I can usually do my hair without a mirror."
"Cool, can you show us?" asks Naruto from off-screen.
"I think that's as much time as we can afford to give you," says Gaara. "Sorry, Naruto, but I still have important documents to assess."
"Fine," groans Naruto. "But Temari has to show me when she gets back to Konoha!"
Kankurou laughs while Temari groans.
…
Cuts to yet another close-up of Ino. "If I'm on a high-tension mission, when I can't possibly spare some time, I steal a few glimpses on my reflection on bodies of water, like streams or puddles…"
…
Cuts to Naruto interviewing a blushing Hinata, the gates of the Hyuuga main house in their background.
Hinata is looking down, twiddling her index fingers, the flushed look on her face visible despite the angle.
"Uh, Hinata-chan," says Naruto, "we're on."
"Eh?"
"The film's rolling."
She shoots a frantic look at the camera before attempting to flee the scene, only for a few pairs of hands to push her back into the shot. She looks away from the camera, looking as if she were about to cry.
"It's okay, Hinata-chan," says Naruto, "the camera won't bite."
This calms her down a bit, but the blush on her face remains. She steals a quick glance at Naruto, before averting her gaze downwards, twiddling her fingers once more. "Eto… ano…"
Seeing as the girl needed more prompting, Naruto repeats the question. "So Hinata-chan, how much time do you spend in front of the mirror everyday?"
The gates open quietly as Hanabi exit through them. She sees Hinata, Naruto, the cameraman and god knows who else was there, and she stares at her sister when she notices the color of her face.
"Eto… J-just a little," stammers Hinata.
"That's a lie, Neesan," interrupts Hanabi.
"H-Hanabi-chan!" squeals Hinata in surprise, as if she had been caught doing something illegal.
"Yo, Hanabi-chan, Hinata-chan's cute little sister," greets Naruto.
"Don't talk to me like a little kid," quips the girl, and Naruto frowns. She turns to her sister and says, "Don't you spend a lot of time talking to the mirror in your room?"
Hinata waves her hands at her sister frantically, blushing redder than ever as she shakes her head.
"You're always practicing stuff," continues Hanabi, ignoring her. "Just the other day, you were saying, 'how are you today, Naru –?'"
Hinata's face turns pale as she suddenly grabs her sister and disappears into the gate with lightning speed.
Groans are heard from off-screen as Naruto asks "What just happened?"
…
Cuts to wide shot of Naruto sitting with Team Falcon on a huge boulder.
"Suigetsu?"
"All I need is water, food, rest and more water. Oh, and my sword. Definitely my sword. Which means I don't care for mirrors."
"Karin?"
"I–"
"About half a day," interrupts Suigetsu.
"Could you let me speak?" she rails at him. "Actually, I–"
"In fact, her face is stuck to one," Suigetsu says again, interrupting her again.
Karin, sitting higher than Suigetsu, reaches his head with a kick, splattering water all over, even on the camera lens.
"Juugo?" resumes Naruto as Karin attempts to kick whatever remained of Suigetsu's solid form.
"None," replies the orange-haired man. More water splashes around, especially on him, but he ignores it.
"You little–" says Karin, slipping off the slippery rock and unto the ground.
As Suigetsu's head regains its form, his laughter is heard over Karin's cursing.
Naruto signals at the camera to leave, and they inch away while Juugo restrains the furious Karin from trampling over the puddle that is Suigetsu.
…
Cuts to a shot of Naruto excitedly interviewing Kakashi in front of the bathroom mirror in the latter's house.
"So, so, so, Kakashi-sensei, ?" Naruto says in a single breath. "Oh, and what time do you usually use the mirror? About 8 am? 7 am? 6 am? Damn, I can't wait up earlier than that on a day off."
"Calm down, Naruto-kun," says Kakashi. "What was the question again?"
Naruto inhales deeply. "How much time do you spend in front of the mirror everyday?"
"This old thing?" asks Kakashi, tapping the mirror, which is half covered with some sort of gray stain. "What for?"
"Oh, I dunno, checking your reflection, checking your teeth, removing your mask?"
Kakashi laughs. "And why would I need to check my face for? I wear a mask, remember? You can't see under it."
"Don't you always say to look beneath the underneath?" Naruto looks as if he just might lunge at Kakashi to take the mask off at any instant now.
Kakashi backs away casually, saying, "Well, no need for that. Why don't you just read the Sha no Sha special?", referring to the manga special where his ninja dogs attempt to explain to Naruto what their master truly looks like beneath the mask.
"But I didn't even get it right," whines Naruto, who still didn't find out what his sensei truly looks like.
"Well, you'll have to find that out for yourself then."
"How can I? They killed you off the series, remember?"
"Oh, dang, I forgot."
…
Cuts to Naruto standing in front of the Konoha Monument, half the shot dedicated to the memorial. "And here we have, my friends, a great legend that we all know we love… Obito!"
The camera zooms out, capturing the Uchiha standing on the other side of the monument.
He cocks his goggles up and salutes at the camera. "Yo," says Obito.
"So, Obito-san, how does it feel to have your name written on the monument?"
"Pretty cool. It felt way even cooler when Kakashi quoted me back in the earlier chapters. I was so touched."
"Are you crying?"
"N-no! Of course not! It was just something in my eye!"
"It's okay to cry when you're happy, y'know."
"Yeah, sniff, about the question…"
"Ah, I almost forgot about that. So how much time do you spend, blah, blah, blah. Ugh, I've been asking the same question all day. Could you just answer it?"
"Sure, no prob. Hm… If I think about it, I was a total slob. I barely even got anywhere on time, much less have time to look at myself in the mirror. Kakashi always gave me a hard time when I was late."
"Speaking of Kakashi…" Naruto lowers his voice conspiratorially. "Have you seen behind that mask?"
"No, I haven't, but…" Obito suddenly shoots him an impish look, and the two start chuckling mischievously.
…
Cuts to yet another close-up of Ino. "With my old mind-body jutsu, when I take over someone else's body, I check how I look, of course. I have to concentrate on the battle, so I only get to do that for about a second or two. My newer body-control jutsu actually allows me to see through my target's eyes even when I'm not inside his body, so I use that too."
Camera turns to focus on Naruto, who just stares at her in disbelief.
…
Blank black screen fades in and credits roll in. Namikaze Satellite play in the background as Naruto voices over. "Well, that's it for today's question! Yeah, I know we couldn't fit everyone into the show. The editor was pretty stingy. Anyway, tune in for scenes from the next episode. Ja ne!"
Inset, a small video runs clips edited out of the current episode. It shows Naruto sneaking up behind Chiyo, only to find out that she was asleep… or dead… he couldn't really tell. Cuts to Naruto scaling the Hokage tower, holding the mic near the Yondaime's mouth. He asks the head something but pouts when it does not answer him. Cuts to Naruto, head rolled back, mouth hanging open and drool rolling down his chin as he sits adjacent to Hidan, who is lying in one of his Jashin circles, chanting some sutras, beads hanging from his clasped hands. Cuts to Naruto asking a pale-looking Itachi, bed-ridden and coughing, a question which the latter seems incapable of answering. Cuts to Naruto sneaking up on Iruka, who is shaving his chin in front of the mirror. He is startled by Naruto and attempts to hide the shaving cream as if it was something he shouldn't have been doing. Cuts to Konohamaru in front of a full-length mirror. Naruto jumps him just before he could practice a henge, presumably one from his oiroke jutsu collection.
Inset vanishes, and the credits finish rolling quickly and fade together with the background music. A super-close-up of Tobi's mask appears as Naruto voices over again. "Next time on Stuff you'd never get the chance to ask your favorite Naruto cast that we get to ask them."
Cuts to a mid-shot of Itachi, looking better. "Tobi," he says, as if bored.
Quickly cuts to a mid-shot of Hidan, waving his three-bladed scythe in the air. "That beep beep Deidara, that's who."
Quickly cuts to a chuckling Kisame. "Deidara. Oh, and Tobi, definitely Tobi."
Quickly cuts to a mid-shot of Konan sitting on a ledge overseeing Amegakure. "Tobi," she says simply.
"Deidara," choruses the Six Paths of Pain in six different shots.
"Tobi," says Zetsu. "No, Deidara!" he adds, in a slightly deeper tone. "No, Tobi!"
"Deidara-sempaaaaaaai!" yells Tobi in glee in a full-body shot where he spreads his arms out as if singing to the whole world.
Cuts to an enraged Deidara screaming, "Funny? I'll show you funny!" The camera follows him as he lunges at Tobi, who screams like a little girl as he is tackled to the ground.
A disclaimer appears in a blank, black screen for a couple of seconds, with the following text in not-so-big block white font: No animal was harmed during the filming of this episode. Unfortunately, we cannot say the same for the ninjas. At least no one died.
At the bottom, in smaller print was 'All characters, setting and merchandize are copyright of Masashi Kishimoto. Everything mentioned here is either fictional or nothing but babble. Do not consider as fact. Thank you.'
End
A/N: This was written during the great Naruto chapter update absence maybe last year or so, where they released double chapters the week prior. May the fan boys (and girls) calm down and keep from ripping each other's throats out. I have already seen that happening because of the hiatus in one thread in Gaia, and I was too much of a coward to check for similar brawls in other threads. Additionally, I don't like doing too much OOC-ness when doing crack (if you call this crack), like making all the characters complete idiots. I like to retain their IQ as much as I can afford to.
Next Episode? The supposed next episode's question, as portrayed by the "Next Time" scenes, is 'Who do you think is the funniest Naruto character?' Not to be posted, unless bribed or threatened.
Stating the obvious:
Pregnant women are what we in my country call 'blooming'. They seem like they're prettier than usual… I believe it's the hormones… though it's not the same for everyone. I think they say pregnant women's noses grow bigger or something. Not that I would know… I'm still confused of which one is true.
Let us assume that Haku's cuteness transcends gender boundaries. And let us assume that has nothing to do with Naruto's preferences… Maybe…
Let us assume that Kankurou's war paint lasts long and is water-proof and tamper-proof, seeing as it's useless to keep it on if it won't last a day on a mission. I haven't checked the manga chapter coinciding with the anime episode where they wipe it off his face when Sakura checks up on him when he got horribly poisoned. Was that in the manga? I'll have to reread.
Read the Sha no Sha special chapter of the manga. See what Kakashi truly looks like!
Please review. Sankyu!