'Black windows of paint
I scratched with my nails
I see others just like me
Why do they not try to escape?
They bring out the older ones
They point in my way
They come with a flash of light
And take my family away'
- Nirvana, 'Paper Cuts'
Disclaimer: I do not own Nirvana, Harry Potter or any other thing related you already recognize as somebody else's. Those rights belong to the author's/artist's, and theirs alone.
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Chapter One: The Game of Silence
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I knew I should have told them, or at least something. This silence really couldn't go on. I really didn't think things would get this bad though. I didn't think they would. Not like this, no, not like this.
I made a mistake, and it's clear to me now what it was. I wanted control.
Control. Comeplete and utter control. Its something I've never had, not over my sleeping arrangements (a cupboard) not over where I could go, ("You have to stay at your Aunt's house, Harry.") not over the clothes I wore (Dudley's old rags, or Hogwarts uniforms) and definitely not over my life.
I had absolutely no control. Well, except over one thing…pain.
I could control that. I knew from the beginning it was the one thing they couldn't take from me – my emotions. They were not going to make me into some heartless whore like they so desired. No, I fought back, and I held that control. Sometimes it came down to locking myself in the cupboard (they couldn't fit – but my malnourished one could) and when it got really bad…cutting.
Shamed eyes gaze upon them now. I can still see the lines there; clear as day. The angry marks hummed a dreadful tune every time I bothered to listen in. It made me sick, yet it gave me control. The Dursleys or Voldemort could not make me feel pain if I did it myself – it just wasn't the same.
Some twisted part of me actually liked it; liked watching the crimson tears pour down my arm, dripping onto the floor. It was a release; a great and terrible beauty. Maybe it was because I usually felt some sort of perverse relief after. The thought made me green.
For the longest time I never told anybody; not about the cutting, the true life with the Dursleys, or my greatest darkest secret, one that I would take with me to the grave if I had too.
It was worse then the cutting, and partly the reason for that. I could not longer look myself in the mirror, my image was becoming too distinct – I was sure somebody was bound to notice any day now. I had nightmares of that day; the day I know everybody I have come to love will shun me, and the door held open for me will be closed. Yet I wait, because I know that day will come,but I will try to hold it off as long as I can. Denial may be the first sign of madness, but if it will keep them blind to the truth, I have no objections to using it. The tact has lasted me far.
It was already late August, and my time at the Dursley's was no different then any other. People sent me letters, condolences for my loss, and promises of rescuing me from my 'dreaded relatives'. I had many chances to open up and tell them; to shout it too the world. Still, I kept silent. The only difference was thatnow I knew why; I was afraid.
The sun was setting behind the house, and many shadows licked through the small window of number four, lighting objects in the room I had no care for; Dudley's old dusty books, broken planes, tele, and computers. All of my stuff was locked under the stairs, including my wand. It had fallen out of my sweater sleeve one day in June, and the punishment I received was bad enough to put one in the hospital. My body still ached.
Tucking my knees under me, I wrapped my arms around my legs and waited for Hedwig to return from hunting. Soon, I told myself, very soon. Then the sun went down, and I was cascaded into the dark abyss.
A/N: Hi. I hoped you enjoyed this chapter, and just to inform some of you who are wondering, yes, this is an alternate universe fic; with many twists you may have or have not seen before. The cutting thing is not supposed to be offensive, but if it is, I am sorry, and I highly advise you to not read anymore of this story. Yes, these chapters will also hopefully be longer. Thanks for you attention!
Sincerely,
Behind-Those-Emerald-Eyes