Prologue
The first time he saw her, he had known that there was something different about her something that drew him in and wouldn't let go. It wasn't love at first sight in any sense of the word, but there had been something there. She was on of the few girls at school that he found interesting. She was the only woman that he could say ever had any hold over him. As much as he hated to admit it Marlene Mckinnion was probably the closest he would ever get to a soul mate. She was intelligent, powerful, fierce, brave, and loyal. She could hold her own against him in an argument, which was no easy feat, and was the only non-marauder other then Lily that could get away with putting him in his place. With long blonde hair, stunning blue eyes, and a great figure she could be described as nothing short of beautiful. Well at least in his eyes. She was perfect for him, and yet he had broken it off. Why? Well, it was because he was too chicken to let her get any closer to him.
Their relationship had started off as nothing more then casual. Two people who liked each other trying it out. Neither had been very serious, a few casual dates here and there. They had started seeing each other in the middle of sixth year, but it had taken almost a year before either would have defined the other as a girlfriend or boyfriend. She was smart, beautiful, and most importantly laid-back. He had been a bit of a serial prior to her. Dating girls one after the other, and when they got to clingy he broke it off. Marlene was never clingy, they could go days without talking to each other. She never pushed for information, but was there silently for him when he just needed to be with someone. She accepted that the Marauders came first, just as he did that her friends did as well.
Slowly, but surely Marlene had wormed her way into his life. After graduation when they both joined the Order they only became closer. He never questioned it, not until that one mission. The evening had been quite, and they had just spent the entire night talking. He felt himself becoming too comfortable in their relationship, he felt himself wanting to tell her he loved her. Sirius Black did not fall in love, he couldn't, love required giving over a part of ones self that he didn't think he could. He had only loved a hand-full of people in his life. Two of them his mother, and Regulus had let him down in the worst way possible. The other four; James, Remus, Peter, and even Lily had taken years to break down his shield they were his family now. He didn't think he could open up like that to anyone else. He didn't think he could handle having his heart broken again. If life had taught him anything it had been that the people that do the most damage are the ones closest too you. He had let the marauders in, because he needed something too hold onto in order to survive. It had taken a lot of effort to rip those scars open, he didn't think he could handle it again. He, also didn't think he was truly capable of loving her the way she deserved.
So, the next day he broke it off with her citing the war as his reason. She didn't shed a tear, at least not in front of him. When he asked her if she was okay, she looked at him and said "Of course I'm not okay, I care about you and the thought of not being with you is eating me up inside. But, I realize that no amount of pleading with you is going to change your mind. I just wish that you could at least be honest, all this war talk is bullshit and you know it. The reason your running is because you've fallen in deeper then you thought and your scared." With that she turned and walked out of the room. For the next five months they acted as if nothing happened, it was the only way to cope. It was if they had both locked up their hearts, saving them for later. Both fought ferociously in the war, showing strength and courage beyond measure.
Life went on as usual for the next little while, until the day she went home for the weekend to visit her family. She never came back, the news knocked the wind out of him for days. He couldn't breath, think, or even function. Despite his attempt at self-preservation her death had shook him. He knew then that he had truly loved her, and now she was gone.