The Bitter Jest of Fate
"I want a lawyer! I want a doctor! I want a cheese sandwich!" screamed Harley Quinn as she was dragged back into her cell at Arkham Asylum. The guards ignored her, slamming and locking the door and walking off. "I have the right to remain silent!" she screeched. "You didn't tell me I have the right to remain silent! That means this arrest ain't legal! You gotta let me out if you don't tell me I have the right to remain silent!" she shouted, struggling with the lock on the door.
"Harley! You do have the right to remain silent, so just take advantage of it, would ya?" snapped Poison Ivy from the neighboring cell. "I got a headache."
Harley pounded her fist against the lock and hissed in pain. "But Red, I gotta get outta here!" she exclaimed. "Mr. J needs me! We got seperated during the heist, and the Bat grabbed me, but Mr. J managed to get away! He must be so lonely and scared and worried about me, my sweet, adorable, loving puddin'! He must feel so lost without his Harley girl…"
"I just said headache, Harley," growled Ivy. "The last thing that's gonna make the headache go away is hearing you fawn over the clown. So just keep it to yourself for once."
She shut her eyes and curled up on her bed, massaging her temples. It was a really sharp, shooting pain in her skull, like a migraine only much, much worse than any migraine she had ever had. She also felt slightly nauseous, although that could have been as a result of Harley talking about Joker.
Harley came over to the window, looking at her in concern. "You ok, Red?" she asked, gently.
"Yeah. Think I'm just getting a cold or something," she muttered. "I just feel really funny."
"Eating bad shrimp kinda funny or that feeling you get when you see Mr. J's face kinda funny?" sighed Harley in adoration.
"Sick to my stomach, so both," she retorted.
"You wanna ask the guards if you can go to the nurse?" said Harley.
"Nah, I'll just sleep it off," she replied. "Never liked using drugs, and herbal remedies are obviously outta the question."
"Ok. Lemme know if I can do anything," said Harley. "I'll try to break outta my cell quietly so I don't disturb you."
"Thanks, Harley, you're a real pal," sighed Ivy. She shut her eyes and tried to think about something besides the pain. Had she eaten anything funny yesterday? She had eaten the same as everyone else incarcerated in here, minus the plants, of course. She wondered if any of them were feeling bad. If it was food poisoning, she shouldn't be the only one feeling sick.
She sat up. "Harley, since you're so eager to shout, can you see if you can make yourself heard in the next cell block?" she asked. "I wanna know if any of the guys are feeling ill."
"Sure, Red, no problemo," she said. "Who's locked up at the moment?"
"Harvey and Johnny Crane are the only ones I remember off the top of my head," she said.
Harley nodded. "You might wanna cover your ears," she said. Ivy put the pillow over her head as Harley shrieked at the top of her lungs, "HARVEY! HEY, HARVEY! YOO HOO, MELTY FACE! YOU DEAF AND DEFORMED? ANSWER ME! HARVEY!"
"WHAT?" came a roar of rage from the neighboring cell block.
"HOW YOU FEELING?" shouted Harley.
"NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS!" he yelled.
"RED'S FEELING SICK! YOU FEELING SICK TOO?"
"I DUNNO WHY YOU THINK I'D HAVE CAUGHT ANYTHING FROM HER!" he shouted back. "SHE IS PROBABLY CRAWLING WITH DISEASES, BUT SHE AIN'T MY GIRLFRIEND NOW SO I AIN'T AT RISK OF GETTING ANY OF 'EM!"
"Screw you, jerk!" shrieked Ivy.
"Hey, let's keep it civilized!" snapped Harley. "YOU SURE YOU'RE FEELING OK, HARVEY?"
"LIKE A MILLION BUCKS!"
"OK, THANKS! HOW'S JOHNNY FEELING?"
There was a growl. "Hang on, I'll check. JOHNNY!"
"WHAT? WHAT IS IT? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO READ WITH YOU ALL MAKING THAT RACKET?!"
"Pammie's feeling sick. How you feeling?"
"Fine."
"HE SAYS FINE, HARLEY!"
"OK, THANKS, HARVEY! SEE YOU AT DINNER!" she called. "They're feeling fine, Red," she said, turning back to Ivy.
"Yeah, I heard," she replied. "I must just be getting a cold. I ain't gonna worry about it anyway."
"Why don't you just take a nap or something, Red?" suggested Harley. "I'll make sure nobody disturbs you, at least, until I break outta here."
"Yeah. Well, wake me up when that happens so I can say goodbye," said Ivy, sarcastically, watching her punch the lock, wince in pain, and then punch it again. "Night, Harley."
"Night, Red! Sleep tight!" Harley said, running against the door. She crashed against it, frowned when nothing happened, and then backed away to run at it again. Ivy sighed, shutting her eyes tightly and pulling the pillow over her head, trying to ignore the throbbing in her skull. It was probably nothing.