Self Respect

In heaven, they ask me why.

Why, after all those years of

Longing, loving,

Did I say no? Did I chose

Myself

Over him?

And I tell them, the visitors,

The heavenly wanderers

The occasional angel,

My story.

My decision.

We met at a bar, classic

Boy meets girl

(with a rifle)

A moment of charged

Perfection.

His face, that legend,

And I couldn't care less.

At first.

We talked for a moment,

Shared stories, shared passions

A moment of affinity.

I fell. Too hard.

Played hard to get.

Played easy to get.

But no, wrong

Place, wrong time.

He said.

I smiled that little, twisted

Smile

Pretended to accept his words.

Decided to wait,

To show him who I could be.

In the end it was me

Who wouldn't let Us happen.

I had run away, tried to

Play

At being Hunter.

Did a damn good job too.

He saw me,

Understood me,

We were so close.

Then I found out our past.

His father's legacy.

I forced him away,

Unable to deal with the thought

Of what Papa Winchester

Had done.

Stupid.

Drowning my sorrows in a

Bucket of bourbon,

I knew my mistake.

I let him slip away.

Waited, and found him again

In a bar.

"I'll call you."

"No you won't."

In that moment I knew.

Knew he'd never see me

How I wanted him to.

Never respect me

Like I needed.

I loved him, yes,

But I refused to have

My love

Thrown back in my face.

By him, by Meg,

By anyone.

So I returned, sheepish

To my mother.

We rebuilt our lives after the

Inferno

Named Winchester.

Spent years working out my anger

Frustration

On demons, ghosts

Supernatural pieces of

Shit.

Got over him.

Then, years passed,

And he was there.

Hey Jo.

Like nothing had happened.

Like I was

Nothing

To him.

At first my heart jumped.

I determined to make him mine.

To love him, to make him

Love me.

And he ignored me.

Sure, we chatted.

Then I got that text, months later:

Need you. It's important.

It started to feel

So convenient for him.

To have me on speed dial.

Of course I helped them

A worthy cause,

One more chance to take down

The Devil.

Last night on Earth.

And finally he comes around.

Or at least, wants to come

Around.

It's not like I'm painting him

For a sleazeball.

I still loved him.

I still wanted him.

But would it have been fair

To myself

To say yes just because now

He wanted it too?

So I said no.

And now here I am.

Without a girl's chance in

Heaven

To get a piece of that ass.

And did I regret my choice,

In The End,

Knowing that it was truly nigh?

Sure!

Who wouldn't?

I would have kicked myself if I could.

But then I saw that look

In his eyes,

As he held me.

And I knew,

Finally

That he respected me.

And it turned out

That kiss,

Our first

(and last)

Was enough.

I died happy.

I died,

With respect.