title: miles high in the deep
a/n: i swear i'll never get bored of writing these two.. i have about five chapters down already because i finally have inspiration (just as i start school, which sucks)! i tbh i dont' know what else i'm supposed to put here, but i guess, just enjoy haha xD
(and yes, i did steal the title from a zella day song^^)
summary: Josh and Maya play the long game. (And it's one second each seven times she wishes she hadn't started it—but at each end comes a new beginning.) —josh/maya, always almost, and never quite right.
[Let her live her fucking life and for God's sake don't kiss her.]
you're scared; i'm nervous
but i guess that we did it on purpose
The first time is just a confirmation that they've always been wrong.
It's just too much of an accident it has to have happened on purpose.
(Sometimes Maya wonders that if she'd just said eight words less—)
Somewhere between bobbleheads and a growling stomach Maya's mind wanders off. It's not unfamiliar, but she hates it. It's actually pretty easy for one Maya Hart to forget her world in a matter of two months, because she's Maya and her dad's a fucking ass and her mum's a fucking mess (less of one now, though), but it's impossible now. It's impossible because sometimes, more than the odd time now, she doesn't feel like Maya at all.
She does feel like shit, though. A fool holding onto hope like it's all she has (perhaps it is), and whatever "someday" means makes her one even bigger and that's more than eternity of how much she despises being clueless. (She's clueless, but it's all she knows.)
She's already lost this long game.
If it was one to begin with... if he'd said it only to get her off his chest... if it was all a stupid, stupid dream and she's the joke of the show. And she hates him, fucking loathes that flawless face of his sometimes, maybe an always in another world, but he's all she can ever think about and that, she only has her own injudicious self to blame.
So maybe it really isn't a game at all.
(Sometimes Maya wishes she could go back in history, maybe hunt down Shakespeare first, before stopping herself fall into his trap. Because then she'd have felt an infinity less, said eight words less and none of this would have happened.)
Riley and Lucas are alone somewhere, probably planning their future, and Maya is propped against the door. It's times like these when she realises just how depressing her life is. Riley and Lucas are all loved up, even Smackle and almost-ex-husband Farkle are. And Maya is alone. Of course.
It's a lie to say she's not jealous of them.
It's when her head starts to throb does the door collide into her spinal chord and she is thrown backwards into the rubbish bin and she almost shouts until she hears a voice she knows all too well (or if she knows him at all). And then her head throbs even more it has to be a lie, but it isn't. It really, really isn't, and Maya wants to slap herself—slap him—until she forgets.
"...What's everyone doing, who's here?"
Maya tries not to, but she can't. (She's not the silly little fourteen-year-old who jumped on his back, stole his NYU acceptance letter, then stalked him all the way there like the biggest starry-eyed stalker in the world, but she is still Maya.) "Who do you most want to be here?"
And Maya's sure her heart stops seven times in two seconds as she hears Josh's footsteps nearing and she almost covers her ears until he pulls out her hand and she really isn't thinking straight (as ever), but she takes it and he pulls her up and she swears
she
stops
breathing.
And he smiles his ethereal smile and her dreams shatter (and so does her heart) and she swears she can hear the silence... and then he is smiling again and she is up on her feet and yet she's falling and he steadies her again, reading her mind, destructive, and then he says, "Maya." It sounds almost broken and for a second Maya forgets this butterfly effect and she's over the moon (and then she's not). He makes her feel things in ways they shouldn't, she swears, because one second she loves him, then she hates him, and she's back to wishing he (she) didn't exist. A cycle.
Maya is shaky still. But she is sane enough now. "J-Josh." She refuses to believe she stuttered.
She wants to kill him.
"Long game?" he says heedlessly.
And she freezes.
But she's the best at pretending so she does what she's best at. "Long game."
They don't find Barry the Bear-Bear. But they do get tacos and Maya gets her bobblehead and her life's still depressing and Josh still makes her stomach churn but all that's not important.
Because she is holding Zay's hand. Sort of. They're in a bit of an awkward position, Maya propped unnaturally on the edge of the sofa, and Zay cross-legged on the carpet. But they're holding hands. Well, okay, Maya's not gripping on or anything, and nether is he, but from a distance they definitely would be. (From a distance he is.)
Maya doesn't understand how they got like this, but it's okay. Full House screeches from the screen but all she can hear are Riley and Lucas' sloppy kissing, and Smackle playing Suduko with that scratchy pen of hers, and Farkle messing around with the popcorn in the massive bowl at Maya's feet.
It's her second (official) date with Zay.
So it's not completely a date, she guesses, because Josh is at the kitchen table playing Scrabble with Auggie and Shawn, and any place with Boing, her stepdad, and Riley's kid brother makes everything more the less official, but because Maya believes in Riley she'll accept it as one.
She really, really likes Zay. Perhaps only as a friend for now, but he's one of the nicest guys she has ever met—and he knows she's still totally lost in Joshworld, but it's okay for him, and she almost loves him for that. (As a friend, only, she promises.)
It's just been all popcorn and holding hands and conversation for them. And it's perfect. She likes the way Zay laughs at the tiniest thing and draws out the details she wants him to draw out. She likes the way it feels—it's nothing like the whirlwind she's demanded to feel whenever he's this close to her; whenever he's simply just there, blended in the background or not—she likes this versatility. It's not the same you're here, I think I may die, but the feeling that Maya is sure is supposed to be felt. It's not butterflies, but it's something, and she knows that—he does, too. It's not some crazy stupid love story, but it's definitely more than platonic... okay, not yet, but it's working it's way up... somewhatly. Nevertheless, Zay is so very different from Josh, and Josh is still a good guy, he always has been, but sometimes Maya's never sure about herself when she's around him she can only see him as the guy who stole her everything. Sense and sensibility.
She loses herself around him.
She needs a guy who makes here feel like Maya.
And perhaps she and Zay can build something and whatever it is she only has herself to count on, but she can't if he's still there. (He's there now and Maya wants to turn around, she longs for it, but she's not going to do this—not to knock down this tiny thing called self-conscience she has never had before.)
But she's just stupid, right?
She takes a stand. Riley and Lucas look up in one almost bedraggled moment and whether she's hurt Zay yet she doesn't know. She finally passes him one small weak look and she's off, winding around the sofa, the TV still blaring, her heart still pounding with equally puckering lips and (she's sure) flushed cheeks (the first few signs that she is falling) and the trio look up from their game. Except it's only Shawn and Auggie who do. Because Josh is already staring at her, all green eyes and crystal balls, and for once she is staring back. Her eyes reflect. His eyes reflect.
It's a collision.
No, it's more than that.
He grits his teeth, and Maya all but follows his gaze. His eyes land on Zay. But of course.
"What?" Maya bites out (and she shouldn't be angry, and she doesn't even know why, but she's stomping her heel and crossing her arms and her cheeks or bright red now. He swallows and Maya feels Shawn's pricking eyes, but in that moment she does not care. Auggie says something but she can't hear him. She can't hear anything). He doesn't answer, but only stands up. He's so much taller than her and it scares her (almost, almost, ALMOST).
"I'm sorry," he says. The first thing he's said to her since he'd arrived. "Can I talk to you?"
"Sure," Maya says quietly. The embers are finally dying.
"In private?"
"...Sure."
They ignore Shawn and Auggie and Zay and everyone else because none of that matters now.
(Nothing matters to her when she's around him, except for him, she's noticed.)
It's some messed up routine. Some messed up plan, of some sorts—she takes his hand and walks them to the bay window. And they sit. The annoying thing is that he doesn't talk.
"So are you going to—"
"I was jealous tonight."
He throws her off course. Really, really off course and Maya freezes. Josh freezes, too, like he's just said the completely wrong thing (and he has, he has had to) and suddenly things are so very awkward. The only thing louder than them is the silence.
Then Maya wakes up. Of course he was. He was jealous, and a part of her loves that, but a part doesn't. She doesn't speak at all.
"And it's wrong, I know," he says. He rubs his hand on his neck. It's what people do when they're nervous, Maya has noted over past conversations. He's been doing that a lot recently, if she's right. Wherein she'd just stand there, in awe and in angst and a little (just a tinsy but) scared of the way she acts, because it's always the same for them. "It's just... this is a lot harder than I thought it would be."
"It always is."
"Exactly. I really thought... I really..." He pauses. "I really don't know. You're still three years younger than me—" ("Two," Maya interrupts with and he laughs, a little neurotic, a little requisite.) "And it's all wrong. But I guess... I guess I didn't realise until." And then he is off again, nibbling on his lip, staring out of the window, at the row of flower pots with the funny faces she and Riley had drawn on when they were five. Josh suppresses a laugh.
"You're not making any sense, Josh," Maya murmurs. And it's not supposed to come out the way she is. But it does.
"I know. I'm... I'm really confused," is his short reply. "I'm confused because... because I shouldn't. But I do. And it really just... sprung up on me, and I didn't even realise. Well, I did, sort of. But tonight I saw you and him, holding hands, and..." His look is slightly pained. She knows she shouldn't but she's curious.
"And what?"
"I got jealous," he repeats. "I got jealous and then I was frightened, because it's totally unfair for me to be jealous, but I was, and I swear I was going crazy, and then you stood up and walked over." ("And then?") "And then I got even more jealous and frightened and confused and then I realised just what a terrible person I was." (Maya herself doesn't know what she would have done if she hadn't, for some bizarre reason walked over, but "You're not...") "I am. You deserve a guy..."
Maya wants to scream. STOP IT, JOSH.
"You deserve a guy who isn't going to... swoop in and try to ruin your happiness. Not that I'd ever do that intentionally, I wouldn't, but... but every time I felt that way I feel like that's all I was doing," he admits, and Maya watches. "You deserve that kid—" and with a slight frown, "Zay. He is really into you, and I know you like him, too." But what if I don't? Maya is desperate to her own muses. "So..."
"We're calling it quits?" Maya blurts out. Her eyes are almost, almost tearing up. Please don't. "Josh, that doesn't make you—"
"We're young," he intervenes. He looks thoughtful. "We're young."
"We are," nods Maya. "And do you want to know what I think?" His eyes signal a comply. "I think... I think you're wrong. And right. And beautiful—" (That she has to add.) "I don't know why I came up to you, but it was because..." She swallows. "You know what I feel every time I'm near you? I get... I get scared. Not of you, but because I'm this close to you, and I swear every little bone in me breaks. Because that's the way you make me feel. And I know you're older than me, but what I feel... it hasn't changed." And maybe it won't.
He is looking at her with such passion Maya doesn't understand.
He is the first to break the silence this time. "You're mad at me."
"Yes," Maya says, biting her lip. She can't lie. "You can't re-initiate the long game, tell me you like me, say we have some "someday" or voodoo magic or whatever—" And Maya steps up. She turns her back so he can't see her eyes. "Then you make me feel all these... things that I don't know, to some extent I can't even look at you without having some panic attack—" (And at this, Josh flinches.) "And then you... and then you tell me you're a terrible person. Because you feel things that I feel every second, trust me. And then you tell me you want to—"
She has no time to answer.
There is slight pressure on her right hand and then light pressure upon her lips. And it takes her two-three seconds to wrap her head around the fact that there is pressure, and then it's a hundred years before she realises what it means.
He is kissing her.
And this thought alone almost kills her, she swears.
Maya has only ever kissed two people in her whole life. There was this freckly kid who looked a bit like Harry Potter back in fourth grade she'd shared a rather slobbery kiss with she'd never like to revisit—and then there was the time in seventh grade during an intense round of Spin the Bottle. She'd kissed this guy named Rob. (Riley had kissed Farkle.) And it was chaste, lasted two seconds, and it was probably one of the worst days of her life.
(And then there was the time she was closer-than-close to kissing Lucas.)
Maya doesn't know how to kiss—but she tries. She lets his hands get tangled in her hair as she adjusts herself so it doesn't make her seem like the worst kisser in the world.
It's not a soft kiss.
It's more like a kiss of wasted years, wasted time. Like it's the moment, and all this built up behind them is finally uplifting, and it's perfect, but it's not.
It's driving her crazy.
It's a while until they both pull away. Maya's crying, and Josh looks like he's about to cry, too.
"I'm so sorry, Maya, I shouldn't have done that, just... shit!" Josh groans, and steps closer to Maya. DON'T kiss me again. "Are you okay? Did I hurt you? Can you tell me if I did?" Maya shakes her head each time. "Maya, please. Maya?" She refuses to look at him. It's in this moment she hates him. For everything. "Maya—"
"Don't," she says, venom in her voice. "Don't touch me."
Josh immediately steps back. "Maya—"
"Can you go?"
And he does.
The door closes and while he's off feeling fifty shades of idiot Maya falls onto the couch. And she touches her lip.
maya.
maya can u please pick up?
maya?
Her phone's been spazzing up all day. She's making pancakes at Riley's and she tries to ignore the ting at each message. It's been a million and one now, it has to be.
"Someone's desperate," Riley quips up as she opens a tub of kiwi.
"It's nothing."
maya, please?
I'm sorry. I'm a stupid idiot and I swear
maya, just once please
"Who is it?" Riley asks, taking one in her mouth, shoving one in Maya's mouth. She chews although she hates kiwi (and Riley knows that) and that is when she knows she can't keep anything from her best friend forever. She's shared everything with her—there was even one point in their reckless lives they had tried to match their period times so they wouldn't feel terrible for each other such time as they had to.
"It's Josh," Maya says.
maya?
"My uncle?"
"No."
did I really hurt you?
"What happened?"
He's an idiot but I love him.
tell me you're okay?
"Is this about when—"
"Yes," Maya says sharply.
I'm getting worried
I know I shouldn't have left but
I'm stupid
I'm really really stupid
but can u please pick up? just once?
"You're angry at him?"
More than you could ever know.
maya.
"Fuck it," Maya cries.
She dials his number (and yes, she knows it off by heart by now).
He picks up straight away.
"Maya!"
Riley nods at her in a pointed second and it's her and him now. All alone, but it's different. "I overreacted last night."
"No, no, no you didn't. I was a stupid idiot and I shouldn't have kissed you but I did and I feel terrible about it," Josh's voice is strained as he speaks. "I really didn't hurt you?"
"You didn't," promises Maya. And it's a huge fat lie even his dad could sniff out but it's the only words that come out of her system. "Can we just..."
"Forget it?"
And it hurts.
But it's the right thing to do.
"Yes."
a/n: i'm having serious doubts of my sanity right now xDD none of this makes sense i swear and i actually hate the josh in the chapter but you know, fuck it. also, my writing is so sloppy right now so please forgive me.
i hope you enjoyed nonetheless and at some point i'll clear it up.
-let's just say maya walked up to them because she wanted to confront her own feelings and let's say she's angry because she couldn't xDD