A.N./ I'm bored and this came to me after reading The Giver. It's an amazing book you should all read it. It reminded me of Death Note in how Light was trying to create a perfect world. The book scared the living hell out of me when I thought that human beings could accept that way of life. I would kill myself if that happened. If our lives went to being that way I would not be there. If I had to, I would kill everyone who decided to make it that way. There should not be anything like that ever. Anyway this is.... I don't know yet, but I will soon. After I type it below.
A perfect world can not exist. The utopia some dream for can never be a reality. Utopia is derived from the Greek Ou Topas meaning no place. A world without criminals is not perfect. A world without bad can not hold any good. A world where you can not be free to do as you wish is not a free world. A free world can not exist. Racial intollorance, gender intollorance, anything that is intollorated would not exist. You would only have people of one race, of one eye color, of one hair color, of one certain taste, of one everything. Nothing could be different and therefor all the same. There could not be any different colors nor shades as to not provoke the favortism of one shade or color over the other. That would not be able to happen. Everything would be a certain shade or color. Your thoughts could not be vocalized as no one else will be thinking the same way and therefor you thoughts are imperfect and not accepted. The way of life you would think to be perfect, a place without crime, simply can not exist. If in existence, our world would be out of existence. No one is better than another in a perfect world. No one is more favored. The person you would like better than another would not exist as all things must be the same to be perfect. No one could be favored more than another. This limits the world to only two people. One can not favor another more than that one other person therefor there can only be two people in a perfect world. Those two people may not comit crime nor intollorance against the other. Those two people may only see one color of one shade and nothing else. Those two people may not express their thoughts aloud. The two people must have the same finger print as to not be different to make them imperfect. This leaves only one person. That one person must repopulate the entire world which can not be done since there can only be one person at a time. That one person is imperfect for not being able to let the species continue and therefor that world is imperfect.
In my view, a perfect world does not exist. I am perfectly happy with my imperfect world now. Now, I'm beaten by the one I love everyday. Now, I'm ignored by the one I love except during those beating. Now, I'm left in a bloodied pulp lying on the floor until someone cares enough to move me out of the way. Now, I am the happiest person in the world because the one I love hates me so much. It may sound masochistic but it's true. I would rather be hated by the one I love rather than them not knowing or pretending not to know that I exist. Everyone here knows I exist. I'm number one. They're not. You take notice of those who are better than you. You take notice of those who are not the same as you. Those who are different. Yes, they know I'm there. They know I exist, but they choose not to acknowledge me. In truth, no one even cares that I'm here. No one except Mello. The way his icy blue eyes peirce into your spine is enough to drive you mad. I, in truth, would rather be mad than to not have those eyes staring at me. I would rather be insane than to not have me in his thoughts. I would rather be dead than to be ignored by such a perfect being. Though I did say there was not such a thing as a perfect world, there might be something close to it.
A world where Mello thinks only of me all of the time is a world that is almost perfect. He is almost a perfect being. Almost. Almost doesn't count and therefor he is not perfect but he is so close. His emotions could stimulate even the dullest person into livelyhood. His intelligence would shun you into silence with one word. His beauty oculd leave you gawking when he was already miles away before you recollected yourself. Yes, Mello is so close to perfect he could almost taste it but almost doesn't count so he can not. Mello will never taste the perfection he so desires more than anything in this world because of me. Because I am number one and he is number two he can never reach perfection. I will never allow that to happen. I don't care if I am tortured until I am dead. I will not let Mello surpass me even by one mark. I can not and will not let that happen. Even if it kills me. Mello may not be perfect while I'm in this world. When I die he may be as perfect as he wishes but until then, I will give my entire life to devoting myself to making sure he is imperfect. My almost perfect world depends on it.
"Near, sweety, come to the front and work this problem." The teacher called on me as usual. She has never once let me sit and think in silence. She wishes to brag to the other teachers of her perfect pupil. She does not comprehend that I am imperfect. That I am no where near perfect. I go up to the board anyway and write the correct answer. I can practically hear Mello's teeth grinding as he knows that the answer is correct. He does not like it when i answer the questions correctly. The more questions I answer correctly, the more Mello beats me. In fact, it's a win win for me.
"That's correct, Near. Mello, why don't you work the next problem?" I heard the teacher ask the uestion in the most fritened way. Mello was probably glaring at her. No one could withstand Mello's infinite glareNo one except me, that is. That doesn't matter though. Nothing matters as long as Mello is not perfect. My thoughts will be wandering like this until the end of class. I rarely pay attention to the teacher except on subjects I don't understand but no one must know I don't understand them. I am usually up until dawn studying like Mello. I'm always a step ahead of him. Mello may study all he wishes but if I am ahead by a page, I'm always ahead by that page and he shall never catch up because he has to read that page in order to catch up and by the time he reads that page I'm on the next one. It's like two steps forward and one step back.
Ding ding ding dong... Dong ding ding dong...
The bell rang and I collected my useless things. The only reason I needed to bring these thing s to class is to pretend I'm doing something for fourty minutes so the teacher does not give papers to grade. Though, I don't suppose that is a bad thing. Mello would probably beat me more if that happened. I shall consider doing that tomorrow as sort of an expeirement. Slowly I make my way to my bedroom. I look at the plain walls of Wammy's everyday and nothing changes. The same elegant yet dull pattern laces the walls throughout the whole building except in the bedrooms and offices. The bedrooms are all painted white. The offices are painted black. I have a hypothesis about that actually. I think the bedrooms are painted white to show how the children are messy and dirty and how they become clean when adults since adults do not mess up because you can not see the dirt on black walls. The only thing you would see was black even when looking at it hard. On white everything shows up. White is plain and boring. Ironically while saying this I am albino. I portray nothing but white. Some think white is pure but that is not true. White is evil. It represents all that you have done wrong. All the dirt that stains your white clothes. It represents how proper you are. I am white. Not in the sense of caucasion but literally white. I am white from the head to the toes and all of my clothes. My bedding is white. Everything I wear is white. I'm white all over. I'm evil in my own mind. My mind has never been pure. It is tainted with dark specks that you can see clearly if you only look. No one looks at me except Mello though. He is almost perfect. It makes sense that he should only wear black. So that no dirt can be seen because none is there. Mello is the perfect oppisite of me. Almost perfect and almost completely imperfect. Black and white. Emotional and a robot. Exact oppisites. I coul use many more similes but it would be a waste of time. You can see clearly our differences just by looking at us. I am ugly while Mello is beautiful. Something like me should never even be compared to him and yet I am everyday. Every waking moment of the day I am compared to Mello. Only by our ranks. Other than that, I'm off everyone's mind.
"Near." I look up from where I am walking to see Mello. His face is turned upward in a scowl and his glare is sent torwards me in a heartbeat.
"Mello." I simply nod to acknowledge his presense. I know this angers him but there is nothing more I could do tonot anger him. Plus, I've never been to flashy about acknowlodging other people.
"Damn it, Near! Why do you always do that? You're not better than me, so don't act like you are!" Mello burst into a full fit of rage. I can not say I didn't see this coming because this is our usual rutine. I can say however that it always amazes me when he says I think I'm better than him. He must not look in the mirror.
"I was not trying to make Mello angry." I stated the truth even though I knew this would only make Mello angrier. He always gets angry with me when I'm stating the truth. He takes it as an insult or something. I can not figure out what is going on in the blonde puzzle's head.
"Shut the fuck up, Near!" I did as Mello told and well in his own words shut the fuck up. I am not quite sure what makes him tick. It's all so confusing. Usually I can stop thinking about him for at least five minutes a day. Now my mind has taken that little realief from me. Mello invades my dreams. There is not once I stop thinking about him all of my day and it's the same with him. Knowing this little fact makes me filled with glee and I have yet uncovered why. I suppose that does not matter. I start to walk away from Mello seeing as how we can not hold a conversation if I am not speaking then there is no reason to stay any longer.
"Near! Wait up!" I stop to hear Mello calling for me. He never stops me when I leave so why now? Mello easily cover the short distance I had put between us with his long legs.
"Does Mello require anything?" I can see the scowl placed on his face. He thinks I know what he is going to say. I have absolutely no clue but that doesn't stop my acting.
"Grrr. The teacher, didn't you hear her on your way out?" I look at Mello. I haven't the slightest idea of what he's talking about. Teacher this and teacher that. I can barely even hear him through my own oggling. My deep gray eyes stare at his blue ones until he looks away.
"What does Mello mean?" I figure we're not going to get any where if one of doesn't stat talking soon and since Mello isn't giving any hints it's best if I start even if I've no clue as to what he's going to say.
"You know what. So, since we'll be working together... I want a good grade and I.... I... Forget it. Just meet me at the library at seven. Got it?" I nod. I understand the library part. I am just wondering what he was going to say before that. I shurg it off and go to my room. It's as white and plain as always. There are only specks of red dusting it in every corner. Everything is neat and tidy. Nothing can be out of place for when Mello comes by. If Mello has anything to grab and smash into my head it could very well mean jail time to him and a nie head stone for me. I don't want such a almost perfect being put in jail because of me. No, Mello deserves better than that. Mello deserves... he deserves someone better than me. That is why my feelings can never be spoken aloud. He would cut off all contact with me. Homosexual relationships are frowned upon by society. Mello is only imperfect by being second best. It would make sense if he was a heterosexual person. It is not as though he would care for me. I have nothing to do with him except beat him at everything. Well, except in physical appearance. I set myself down onto my bed and looked at the clock. 4:40 it read back at me. I have time to just sit here and sleep. I've never tooken a nap before so I suppose trying it once will not hurt.
I shut my eyes willing the darkness behind them to fill my sight. It reminded me of Mello. All of the blackness. All of that perfection wrapped up into one being. It's the most amazing thing god has ever done if there is a god. Mello seems to believe so. He also believes catholic priest don't molest little boys. The trials and evidence are there he is just unwilling to believe them. I for one do not believe in this so called god. There is no evidence to support their cause that god exist and you will go to Hell if you do not believe. I think that if god truly existed he would not send you into a terrible place filled with torture for not believing in him. That is just my point of view though. I am often critisised for it. It is hard to believe that a orphanage full of genius children believe in god. Most of the children here do. I think it's because they want something to believe in. They want something to punish the people or person who killed their parents. They want a Hell as much as Heaven. They want the angels and their parents to look at them and see how good they're doing. That is all they want. They don't truly believe in this so called god. It's just a way to comfort their little minds. Something to tell them it will all be alright in the end. It won't be. Nothing will ever turn out right for them. Wammy's house was built on blood. Only murderers and suicide victims ever make it out. The only reason we strive to be L is because we don't want to be in those two catagories. I for one will fall into the suicide victims catagory when Mello leaves. The only thing that has kept me from slitting my throat is Mello. Alot of children are the same. They believe that Mello will fall into the third catagory. He will make it out of here like L and become a symbol of justice. He will put his friends in jail. He will watch his other friends leap from buildings. He will live on and be one of the only ones who ever make it out of this god forsaken place without being tainted. He will become just like a god. He will be praised and worshipped. That is what will happen for Mello.
I slowly drifted from my thoughts into a dream land. All my dreams ever consist of nowadays is Mello. This time we're playing in a feild. The blue skies above us and the green grass below. It's the perfect picture. If there is a Utopia out there, I truly hope that I can find it. I truly hope that it is something along the lines of this. Mello and I running through a field with no hate. With no sadness. Just an everlasting happiness and love. That is a Utopia I wouldn't mind seeing. Of course it completely disregards my previous assumptions of how a Utopia does not exist. I do not care however. I would rather be fooled into thinking this was the Utopia than to go on believing that there wasn't one. I can not do that. My rational mind will not let my irrational mind into power to think of such lovely things. Only in my dreams are my wishes ever seen. Only in my dreams can I truly be happy.
A.N./ Alright, that was somewhat short. Everyone knows that my little Near is a cutie. I have trouble writing in first person because I want to put Mello's point of view in. So, I've devised a way to do that. I will put Mello's point of view in the next chapter. Haha! That is as far as my genius goes. I hope you all like it and please review. I like reviews they inspire me to write more. I have the anonomous review thing where you can review anonomously so if you don't have an account you can review. Or if you're too lazy to long in. I would like to know if you all enjoy it so far.