Title: Through his Soul
Author: Ditzy
Rating: PG
Pairing: Harry Potter / Severus Snape
Disclaimer: I own nothing I swear most of "my" stuff is owned by Visa or Mastercard. But I certainly don't own Harry Potter. Please don't sue me for borrowing, I'll give them back.
Feedback: Part of the From Dusk till Dawn Severus Snape/Harry Potter Fuh-Q-Fest
Challenge: 'Not here, Not now! No magic?'
Beta: A big thank you to Sonja and Rakina for betaing for me.
"No, Albus."
Severus had spent years doing what Albus had asked him to do. After all he owed him, a debt that truly could never be repaid. The man had not just saved him from Azkaban and possibly his life. He had also put him in the direction that may possibly one day save his soul. This time however he had asked too much. Nothing he had done was worth this. He tried his hardest to ignore that the previous thought had not been strictly true.
"Severus I need this from you. Harry is falling apart and if he doesn't talk to someone about this soon he will not be able to do the job that only he can. You do realise that he is the child of the prophecy. That he is the only one that can kill Voldemort." Albus said seriously.
"I had guessed that Albus. But I seriously doubt that any child of James Potter would ever really need the services of a psychologist he'd be too arrogant just like his father." Said Severus feeling like he had given the argument that would get him out of doing what Albus was asking him to do.
"Remember Severus Harry was not raised by his father, which I at this point I have to remind you is partially your fault." Albus had not intended to use Severus' part in the Potters deaths against him today but at this moment his first concern was for Harry. He would make sure that Severus did what he asked of him. "While Harry does have a few striking resemblances to his father James' arrogance and at times casual cruelty are not part of his make up."
Severus at this point knew that he would end up doing what Albus was asking of him. Albus had never brought up his previous crimes against his before. Which meant that he was prepared to do anything to make sure that this happened. It also made him realise that he owed this not just to Albus, he also owed this to Harry himself as it was possible that if it was not for him he may not be having these problems.
"What are his issues Albus?" Severus said fully in business mode.
"It pains me to say that many of his issues are my fault. After his parents died it became my responsibility to ensure Harry's care for the rest of his childhood. I realised that even though Voldemort seemed to have disappeared his followers would still try to find and kill Harry. There were only two ways that I could ensure his safety, one was to become his guardian myself. The other way was to leave Harry with a close relation of Lily.
"I have never taken care of a young child and I believed at that point in my life I was too old to learn. Plus I had other responsibilities many of them. It seemed the best choice to leave him with his family. So that was the choice I made. It was the wrong choice. While I have no doubt that I would have made mistakes as his guardian, I can truly say that I would never have abused him in any way. I should have been more careful in ensuring that this was the case with his family, but I wasn't and Harry has been neglected in the most awful way because of it.
"Also as you may or may not have heard. Sirius Black was killed recently doing work for the order. Sirius was Harry's Godfather the only person that Harry has felt that he could lean on. I shouldn't have sent him on such a dangerous mission knowing how important he was to Harry's emotional well being. But I needed it done by someone I knew I could trust. Another mistake I have made. He has up to this point been amazingly resilient but I fear that Sirius' death has sent him over the edge and I am worried."
"But surely someone else counselling him would be more effective, someone he knows someone he trusts?" Said Severus actually sounding concerned.
"I'm afraid that there is no one who fits the bill. He no longer trusts me to do what is best for him, and I can't say that I blame him. I have let him down in so many ways. I believe he sees Minerva in a similar way to the way he sees me. Remus is too distraught with Sirius' death himself to be of much assistance to Harry. Molly and Arthur are too close to Harry they are much like family. I also believe that because you do not know him that that will act in our favour. That he could open up to you without feeling like he is betraying anyone. I truly believe that you are the best choice to do this."
Severus left Albus' office feeling a sense of dread. In a matter of days he would have to come in to contact with the son of the man who had made his school life hell. While he knew that it was not completely one sided, and that he owned a proportion of the blame for their arguments at school that had not helped him get over his hatred of James Potter.
There was also the fact that he had played a part in the death of the Potters. He had not known of that when he gave the information that would lead to the Potters' deaths, that that would be the outcome. He had not known that he was signing the death warrant. But it didn't change the fact that that was what he had done.
He now had to face the boy whose family he had unintentionally betrayed. Yes he had told Dumbledore what had happened before the Potters' deaths. He had tried to stop what was about to happen from happening. But it didn't change the fact that if he had told Voldemort nothing Harry's parents would be still alive. That Harry would not be in need of his services.
"Hello Mr Potter, my name is Dr Severus Snape. It's completely up to you whether you call me Dr Snape or Severus. Professor Dumbledore referred you to me because he believed you could use someone to talk to."
"I understand that. Though I don't see why he thought that a muggle doctor would be more use to me than a healer?" Said Harry genuinely sounding confused.
"I guess Albus didn't tell you that I am a wizard as well. When I was 20 years old I did something that made me decide that it would be a good idea to leave the wizarding world. At school I was exceptional at potions and wanted to be a healer. I realised that the closest thing to that in the muggle world was being a doctor. Psychiatry was the branch of medicine that interested me the most which is why I now do this."
"Oh ok. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do here. I mean I know that I'm supposed to talk to you, but I'm not sure where I'm supposed to start?" Harry said sounding a bit confused.
"I usually hate sounding cliché but the beginning would be a good place to start." Severus said smiling.
Harry felt that he had only just begun talking about his early life when Severus told him that it was time for their session to end. He was surprised at how easy it was to talk to Severus. Many of the things that he was talking to Severus about were things that he had never talked to anyone about before. Things he had truly never wanted any one to find out about.
Severus was surprised at the things that he had heard from Harry. Even after Dumbledore had told him that Harry had not had a wonderful life he had not expected to hear the details that he had been hearing. It was a wonder that Harry had grown to be as strong as he was.
He also found that through the hour he began to resent what he had been asked to do less and less. Even though Harry did look far too much like James Potter for his liking, it quickly became apparent to him that they were very different people as Harry talked to him.
"So how has school been this week Harry?" Severus asked showing genuine interest. Over the last six months Severus had grown to be truly concerned about Harry. More so than he knew was strictly professional but he didn't think that Albus would really mind that he had come to care about his patient.
"Exhausting. I had heard from other pupils how hard 7th year was but I had always thought that they were exaggerating, I guess I know now that they weren't."
"Is there anything that you are finding particularly difficult?"
"Not really I'm only doing five subjects. Then again that is more than most people it's just that my best friend Hermione is doing seven. But as I was saying there all subjects I enjoy. My favourites are Defence Against the Dark Arts and Potions. But I'm also doing Transfiguration, Charms and Herbology. I actually enjoy it while I'm not stressing about how much work I have to do." Said Harry truthfully.
"Well I'm glad you're enjoying your course of study I think I've told you that Potions and Defence were my favourite subjects as well you have very good taste.
"However I think we've gone a little of topic. I think we have to start to talk about something that will possibly make you uncomfortable. Can you tell me about Sirius Black?"
Harry found most of it rather easy. He told him how he had managed to free Sirius in his third year with Ron and Hermione's help and how Peter Pettigrew had finally been jailed for the crimes that he had committed years before. How they had managed to have nearly two years of relative peace in which they had managed to create an almost father son bond.
Things had first began to get hard when at the end of Harry's 5th year at Hogwarts he was kidnapped by Lucius Malfoy to be part of a ceremony that would lead to Voldermort making a return.
Dumbledore had decided to reform the Order of the Phoenix. Sirius felt it was his duty to do his part. This was not surprising as it simply was the man he was. Then at the end of Harry's 6th year Albus sent Sirius on a mission that they both knew was extremely dangerous. However Albus knew that he needed someone that he could trust and someone who was competent. Sirius had managed to complete his mission before being caught by a group of death eaters. They brought him to Voldermort, but not before he had managed to kill Lucius for what he had done to Harry. The magical coroner who examined Sirius' body told them that he had been held under the cruciatus curse for over two hours. Harry was crying by the time he had finished talking to Severus. Harry's session had ended a long time before he had finished however Severus did not have the heart to stop him.
For Severus the session was a complete eye opener. Not because of Harry he had already accepted that Harry had very little in common with James other than the way he looked. After a month of sessions he had got past the way Harry looked completely and did not even see James when he saw Harry. The thing that shocked him was Harry's memory of Sirius. He was not the man or boy that he remembered from his childhood.
"So Harry how have you been feeling since our last session?" Severus said by way of a greeting.
"Actually I've been feeling a lot better. I know that was supposed to happen but I guess I was surprised that it worked. I'm sorry that sounds awful. I didn't mean to imply anything." Said Harry sounding slightly guilty.
Severus laughed. "I get that I had therapy before becoming a therapist. It always surprised me that talking to someone about your issues would make them feel better. It goes so against what you naturally want to do so much that it is almost impossible to believe that it would work."
"I know that these sessions were set up so that I could get past all that has happened in my life. But what has been running through my head more than anything has been my future. I'm worried about what is going to happen. Everyone seems to believe that I can kill Voldemort, but there are so many more powerful people than me who have not been able to. I don't know if you have met him but the power just radiates off him."
"I have met him. What I am about to tell you may shock you, but I used to be a Death Eater. When I was young and stupid I thought that he was the answer to everything. He was young, charismatic, intelligent and attractive. As an insecure boy the fact that he believed that I was worthy to be in his inner circle was enough to secure him my loyalty. I believed that when he killed people that it was because they were persecuting him and that it was self defence.
"I then found out that he was planning to kill a completely defenceless child. Simply because of a prophesy that said that this child would one day have the power to kill him. I guess at this point all of my beliefs about him were shattered. I confessed everything to Albus who warned you parents. I then moved away from the magical world."
"Why haven't you joined the fight against him?"
"I have! My job is to make sure that you are ready to face him. I will help in anyway you wish me to Harry." Severus had never thought about it that way before but as soon as he said the words he realised that it was the total truth.
"Do you mean that if I asked you to be on the battle field with me you would? Can you still do magic? I've been trying to think of a way to ask but I guess this is the first time I've plucked up the courage."
Severus laughed some more. "Yes I can still do magic. I was simply too appalled with what I did with my magic that I decided not to use it anymore, and live as a muggle. If you want me to be there at the end I will be. I'll be happy to see your victory."
"I think that the battle is going to happen next week."
"Why do you say that Harry? Has he been sending you visions again?"
"No visions you have helped me get those under control. Just instinct I guess and he has a habit of attacking just after I've finished my exams. I think I'm ready though well at least as ready as I ever will be."
"You're calmer than I would be in your situation. You're actually calmer than I am." Said Severus admiringly.
"Well my friend Hagrid you probably know him he's the Care of Magical Creatures teacher and the gamekeeper at Hogwarts. Well anyway he said to me something like 'What will come, will come and we'll meet it when it does.' He was right, there is no point in panicking, I just have to get on with it."
"That does sound like something that Hagrid would say. He has this way of being extremely insightful when other people would be losing there heads. People underestimate him."
"They certainly do."
"There was one other thing that I wanted to tell you as I am pretty sure that this will be our last session. I think I've fallen in love with you."
Severus had thought by this point that Harry would no longer be able to shock him. His maturity no longer surprised him over the last ten months that was what he had come to expect of Harry. That he had picked up occlumency in a matter of weeks was also not truly a surprise. Once Harry put his mind to something nothing really stopped him. Though this information was like a bludger to the head. It knocked him off balance.
"Umm Harry I'm sure the reason that you think you feel that way, is because we have talked so much I'm sure these feelings will pass after these sessions end." While saying this Severus was sure that he was right in this assessment. Though it shocked him how much he wished that he was wrong.
It wasn't until that moment that he realised the attraction that he had for Harry. The more he thought about he was surprised that it had taken until that point for him to see it. Harry was the sort of man that he had always gone for. He was attracted to him for similar reasons to what drew him to Voldemort. They were both powerful, intelligent men. When Severus had joined the Death Eaters Voldemort was as attractive as Harry was now. Both men were charismatic, natural leaders of men. Both men inspired loyalty in their followers. Both men treated him as if he was worthy.
Though his feelings for Harry were not misplaced. Harry actually deserved the way people hero-worshipped him though Harry would have disagreed with that. But that only made him even more likeable.
"I knew that you would say that. I can assure you that my feelings will not change as soon as these sessions end. I just wanted to know if I had any chance with you. I know that I'm young, but I've been hoping that you could see past that. Then again I don't even know if you are gay I guess I just assumed you were."
"See Harry you can't be in love with me you don't really know me you don't even know my sexuality." Said Severus trying not to sound sad.
"That's not true Severus. I know I love you and I think I know more about you than most people do when they first fall in love. And I do know you're gay that was why you joined the Death Eaters you fell in love with Voldemort. When you realised he wasn't what you thought he was you left."
"Harry I'm not who you think me to be. Do you know how Voldemort found out about the prophecy about you? It was because I over heard it at the Hogs Head well most of it at least. I then ran off to tell him, I'm not sure what I thought he would do with the information, but I was so scared that you would kill him one day. It's strange that it was the idea that he would kill you as a baby that made me leave him. But now you know that you could never love someone like me."
"I already knew Severus and I love you anyway. I love that you were brave enough to turn away from a bad path when you realised where it was taking you. That you took responsibility for your actions and that you tried to stop what was about to happen. And Severus remember Voldemort had tried to kill my parents before the prophesy and I have no doubt that he would have tried again at some point. It might have happened even earlier if it wasn't for your warning."
Nothing had shocked Severus more than this conversation. Severus realised that he had been avoiding telling Harry about his part in the Potters' murders because he did not want Harry to hate him. He had been sure that this information would lead Harry to hate him. Nothing had surprised him more that the fact that it hadn't. It also made him hopeful, if he could be wrong about that maybe Harry would continue to love him after the war had ended.
"I'll see you next week at my dance with destiny." Said Harry as a goodbye and then gently kissed Severus on the lips.
The battle had happened when Harry had been expecting it. So when Voldemort and his followers attacked they were expected, which gave Harry and Dumbledore and those who were fighting on the side of the light an advantage. Though only a small one.
Severus did show up to fight. While Severus had taught Harry Occlumency and Harry knew he was perfectly capable of doing magic. Watching him on the battle field it was hard to believe that he had given up doing magic for over 18 years. It flowed from him so naturally.
The end of the battle was quick and easier than anyone really expected. When Harry and Voldemort squared off against each other, Harry thought about the people he had loved and lost because of the man in front of him. Voldemort simply disintegrated. No one knew why it happened it just did.
The shock that the other Death Eaters felt at seeing Voldemort being once again defeated by the Boy Who Lived this time for good made it easy for the Aurors to round up the remaining Death Eaters.
"Well you did it again Harry." Said Severus smiling. "What are you planning to do with the rest of your life?"
"Part of that depends on you Severus." Harry said seriously.
"Harry I'll be in your life in what ever way you want me to be. I'm scared that you will get older and change your mind later. But I'm yours in whatever way you want me."
Harry smiled and kissed Severus. "As my lover forever."