Harry Gagger
A series of unrelated gags that will guarantee you thinking I'm insane!
Part 1: Snapism, Theory of Weasely Relativity, and Wizard Cocks
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Snapism
Severus Snape was known for many things. His greasy hair, his evil demeanor, how he ages when he's stressed, but most of all, being a Snapist.
Many people wonder what a Snapist actually is, well, it's impossible to use only several words to describe it. Some call it a disease, others call it a disease as well, really, most people call it a disease, but I just like to waste space. I, though, call it an admirable, yet, ironic trait.
Well...
The easiest way to describe a Snapist is a person with Snape-y charm. Many people question how grease and crooked teeth can be charming, but ask Snape's millions of hormonal fangirls. The lot of them want to sleep with him. Most of the guys out there have only two or three fangirls if they're lucky, but Snape, despite being under average in looks, has millions of fans. He is a true Snapist.
Perhaps you will understand after I give you a briefing of Snape's background.
Severus Snape was born in Las Vegas to a stripper named Candy Pop and a man named Elliot Clyde. They both were muggles. How Snape inherited magical powers is beyond me. Elliot and Candy loved their baby, and originally named him Lucas Clyde, but then Elliot and Candy suffered a terrible fate...dept...So in order to keep their beloved two-bedroom apartment, they put up their baby for adoption. They never saw their baby again.
Snape was recognized as a wizard at the orphanage he went to in England, and he was raised by a muggle father and magical mother, of course, they often neglected him. He grew up to be a loner, and when he became older, he became the type to masturbate in loneliness to vintage porn of bad 80s and 90s stars, but I digress.
In his first year at Hogwarts, all the girls secretly wanted to fuck him, but pretended to be disgusted by him. They wanted to feel his greasy hair all over their bodies. Some of the guys wanted him more than the girls. The Marauders, especially, wanted to do him, but because they were unsure of their feelings, all of their feelings were recognized as hate, so none of them had ever gotten luck with the Snapist, or should I say, Clydeist? Well, except for that one party where Sirius got REAAAALLLLLLY drunk. Let's just say there were some cucumbers involved, and boy it was hot in that room, but they completely forgot about it afterwards the day later when they returned to their normals selves.
You see all of his life, people wanted to violate Snape with many things. Fingers, dicks, spoons, pudding cups, bobble-heads, cassette tapes, grandmothers, etcetera, of course, many people only recognized their feelings as dislike. The only ones completely successful in their abilities were Albus Dumbledore, who fucked Snape in the back of the Hogwarts express 12 years ago to release all of his sexual tension, then there was several months ago with Severus and Miss Hermione Granger. Even I was surprised how feisty that Granger girl was, of course, the whole time Hermione was screaming Ron's name, so Severus felt discouraged.
As you can interpret from his life, he was the source of many a person's wet dreams. That is the work of a true Snapist.
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Theory of Weasely Relativity
It's obvious even without explanation. Weaselys multiply like bunnies. Very, very horny bunnies. You know, like when you go to a pet store, and some retard didn't separate the male and female bunnies, and now they're going at it for your three-year-old cousin to ask what's going on? Well, that's what it's like. Anyway, the Weasely family is no doubt a large one, which makes me think that everyone is in the Weasely family, thus resulting in an excessive amount of incest in the world. I dunno, I guess it's just my thought...
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Wizard Cocks
I find all aspects of the male anatomy to be interesting. Whether that makes me straight, determining if I'm a woman, or makes me gay, determining if I'm a man, is your choice. Most interesting of all, though, are Wizard Cocks. I'm sure muggles don't come in many different colors or flavors. Condoms might, but the day a condom is a cock is the day when teenagers stop getting pregnant. My logic probably makes no sense, but I don't give a fuck. You're the one reading this, you could leave any time, and I won't stop you, but I digress. Wizards cocks are like clothes, they reflect the person you are. An emo wizard's cock is black and has horizontal cut lines on it, even though they should be vertical, but all people are alike when they cut the fucking wrong way. A gay wizard's cock is usually purple with sparkles. Dumbledore began dressing like his cock when he was young, as you can see. Snape's cock is greasy, like Macdonald's fries, so yes, it's addicting, but the more you have the more sick you get. Hermione's cock is very smart...
Wait...
Isn't Hermione a woman?
Well, hmmm...this does put a flaw in my plan.
OH WELL! Till next time, my darlings.
For those who didn't enjoy the first installment, you were warned, it's not my problem. If you'd like to flame, please feel free to. I'll read your comments with a smile on my face. As long as they're talking about me, I'm doing something right.