Edwin the Egg
Once upon a goddamn, mother fucking, finger lickin' time there was an egg named Edwin. Now, Edwin wasn't your ordinary egg; not only could he walk, but he could speak English too. Every day, Edwin the Egg would wake up out of his ejaculate-coated bed, and rub his eggs until they popped yolk all over his stupid face. Then he'd practice his trombone for a couple hours, and finally head off to school.
(Now, before I continue on with the story I must add that Edfag had an extraordinary power. No one at the time was aware that Edwin had this power, not even the egg-head himself. Lets just say every time someone insulted Eggwin, a tiny bit of energy get stored in his yolk. Now, you may think this is the stupidest fucking thing you ever heard, but when his yolk runs out of room to store energy, some crazy happens. You want to know what happens? You don't want to know what happens. Anyways, lets continue with my stupid as fucking story that I'm making up as I go.)
All of Edwin's life, he wondered why he was an egg. He has read every egg related book and seen every egg related documentary, but still he had absolutely no idea why he was a monstrosity. He knew everything there was to know about eggs, but still nothing. He was beginning to become hopeless; he would never find the truth of why he was an egg.
Until one day…
Like I said before, Edwin lived a pretty average life for an egg. He had great friends, a nice house, a loving family. And although he had a pretty decent sense of humor, the egg-head him self tended to be to target for most of his friends jokes. Its like his friends liked to torture him with cruel words and horrid names every single day of his life. But he noticed something, after every time he was insulted, he seemed to get happier, like insults were his drug. Eventually, he began to get excited when his friends insulted him, and he would work his hardest every day to be as queer as he could so he could get his daily dose of insults.
One spectacular day, he came up with a brilliant plan to get his insult high: The plan would take place at lunch. He would meet up with his friends in the same spot as usual and wait for one of the faggots to say a mediocre joke, then he would repeat that joke multiple times to get one friend in particular very annoyed. This friend's name was Karl. Karl, although a dashing, amazing young fellow, was quite the complainer when it came to unfunny jokes. Edwin knew Karl was the perfect target for getting his insult high. He knew Karl would get sick of his unfunny jokes and completely destroy his self-esteem, and that's exactly what Edwin needed.
Through out the day, all Edwin could think about was getting his insults in for the day; his yolk got scrambled just thinking about it. He sat watching the clock, waiting for it to be lunch. Gosh he was about to crash his shell of excitement when the bell finally rang. He quickly rolled to the spot where they usually met up and waited while his friends arrived.
After about 5 minutes of waiting, his friends finally started to arrive. First was Ryan, a chill guy with a 'I don't give a fuck' attitude. Ryan was always nice to Edfag, so he secretly hated him. Edwin likes a guy who really makes him feel like shit inside.
Then was Vince, an underground rapper who made beats that shook the heavens. It has been said that Vince's beats can make a room of girls instantly orgasm with in 5 seconds of the song. Vince wasn't really the kind of guy to insult Edwin, but he respected the guy.
Then came Braxton, Vince's sidekick. Although Blackston wasn't important in any way, he always seemed to be around where ever Vince was. Edwin hated him, mainly because Braxton was black.
Then came Jesse.
Then Adam, a fucking cry baby who cried all the time because he was a cry baby.
Then arrived Trent, a heavy guy whos boobs are bigger than Scarlettes Johanson's. Trent was perfect for the plan because almost every joke that comes out of his stupid fucking mouth is worse than Kurt Cobain's ability to eat a bullet. Let's just say they're dumber than Steven Hawking.
And finally came Karl. Because it was sunny out, Edwin had to squint his eyes at first when he walked up. Karl is amazing in almost everyway, he is the perfect white guy. He listens to good music, dresses great and the ladies love him. Legend says he got pussy almost every night of his life sence he was 3 years old!
After all of his friends had arrive, Edwin set into action. Trent started off with a classic:
"Ay Vince, knock knock."
"Who's there?
"Queen"
Edwin knew where this joke was going, all of them did. This is one of the classic jokes of the group! Edwin looked over to Karl who was rolling his eyes.
"Queen who"
"QUEEN MY DISHES PLES AH HAH!"
Suddenly an uncontrollable laughter took over Vince, almost as if he was choking.
Edwin looked back over to Karl, who looked down in disgust. Karl finally looked up and said:
"Trent I swear to joke you are such a faggot."
Edwiener saw this as a perfect chance. He waved at Karl as if he were going to whisper in his ear. When Edwin put his water, moist lips against Karl's ear, he said these words:
"Queen my dishes."
Karl immediately moved his head away from Edwin's lips and shook his head in disgust. But that's all he did! Edwin expected much more of a reaction from Karl. It was quite disappointing. Edwin needed insults now. He was relying on Trent now to help. Finally Trent said "You know Jack and Jill is the prequel to the Cable Guy."
Karl looked up at Trent, and just went nuts. Usually this would be a funny sight, but today Edwin needed those insults! So Edwin said what no one has ever dared to say.
"Alice in Chains sucks."
The whole group immediately looked at Edwin while Karl completely stopped in his tracks.
"What did you say, you faggot?" Karl said.
While Edwin expected a sudden surge of euphoria, he didn't feel anything. 'I need better insults' Edwin thought to himself.
"I said Alice in Chains is shit!" Said Edwin.
Edwin felt his heart rate go up, he watched Karl's face turn red. No one has ever dared to say such a thing to Karl. Edwin was crossing borders that have never been crossed before; he was in for a ride.
Karl walked straight up to Edwin looked his right in the eye.
'Oh here it comes!' Edwin thought to himself, but instead of an insult, he got a uppercut right into his egg chin. Edwin fell back on his ass; he has never experienced such pain before. Although Karl was a skinny guy, that guy could punch!
Edwin felt his chin, it was badly cracked and liquid was pouring everywhere. He looked up at Karl who looked at him in shock. Then he noticed everyone was looking at him in shock. He looked around and said, "What?" The guys quickly pointed at Edwin, who sat there in confusion.
"What?!" Edwin screamed.
"Edwin, your glowing." Adam said as he held back his tears.
Edwin looked down at his body that was in fact glowing. Suddenly he was hit by a sudden surge of euphoria. He looked down at his feet. He saw his shoes slowly morph into basketball shoes. He then saw his skinny jeans form into shorts and his shirt form into a classy vest. When he felt his face, he no longer felt an egg, but a beard all the way down his neck. As he looked around he felt something light bounce off of his head, and fall on the ground. And when he looked at it, he saw what he thought was just a regular hat. But then he realized what it was…
It was the classiest fedora anyone has ever seen, ever.
Edwin and his friends were at awe. No one has ever seen such class. Then Edwin carefully picked up the hat and placed it perfectly atop his head.
He was no longer Edwin the Egg.
He was Edtron.
Every woman at school suddenly dropped their pants. Every guy, even the manliest of men, cried their little baby eyes out.
Edtron was a god; some even called him Shakespeare in the flesh.
Warhol.
Walt Disney.
Nike.
Google.
He was a god.
Edtron looked at all of his peers and said…
"M'lady."
Immediately everyone stood up and cheered. Edwin was truly the most impactful person of that generation.
But he aint Ralph tho.
THE END
p.s. In case you dip shits didn't realize, his yolk filled with energy, so he turned into a neck beard. I know it fucking stupid. But do I care? Nah nigga sheeeeet.