if i had to run, if i had to crawl
if i had to swim a hundred rivers just to climb a thousand walls
always know that i would find a way to get to where you are
there's no place that far
"You seem to be asking for a concrete assurance of something that just isn't possible." Deanna sensed a focus in Leo similar to someone who is seeking the solution to a mathematical equation.
Deanna and Leo were meeting as Counselor Troi and Lieutenant Leora O'Reilly-Soong. It was not a new challenge to Deanna, who'd become professionally skilled, though certainly not glib, working with her friends and crewmates.
"I'm really not looking for magic answers Counselor," Leo assured. No dope herself, she knew well enough when to use the language of distance. In most circumstances, anyway. "It's just, well, I figured maybe there was some… you know… angle, or interpretation, that I don't know about."
Troi pondered this for a moment. "It sounds like you're hoping to discover that there have been some entirely new developments in interpersonal interaction and relationships." Deanna smiled kindly. "I'm sorry, Leo, but for once you're giving this century far too much credit."
Sigh. "I guess that's exactly what I was hoping, thanks so much for cutting to the chase." There was only a little bitterness there. "But some things have changed, right? Some things, in terms of I dunno, workplace ethics or something, that I'd consider a given if I didn't know different?"
Deanna nodded. "Okay, strictly in terms of protocol, we've gotten beyond that rigid rule of 'non-fraternization'. Social and personal connections between superior and subordinate crew members aren't forbidden, or even particularly discouraged. On-duty behavior and decisions are well-scrutinized in Starfleet, and only if they suffer is any attention paid to off-duty relationships. With a few notable exceptions," she added with a smile. "So in that respect yes, we've developed beyond pre-emptive prohibition to judging relationships by their result." A pause. "I notice almost a sense of disappointment. I find it hard to reconcile the idea that you may want restrictions on your personal behavior with the fact that your tendency is to reject them."
There was so much here, things were getting deep and tangled and Leo was far from ready or willing (let alone able) to detangle them. Why couldn't it just be simple??
"There are things you aren't sharing with Deanna. That's not good," she told him.
Not letting go of her hand, Picard sat on the small, spare sofa that provided his quarters with an illusion of home. "I don't suppose it is. For whatever reason," and here he hesitated, but when he looked her in the eye he saw no room for misunderstanding, "I think you know. That something of myself has been wrenched away. I'm afr…" he paused, and she waited with wide eyes and a calm expression that invited more, "I'm concerned it may affect me permanently. You've heard it."
A plea for four lights. It didn't matter why. What mattered to Leo was that while the question itself was being explored with Counselor Troi, the effects of its compulsion were, most likely, not.
"Yeah, I have." She looked him in the eye, unable to weasel out of the moment as they had so often before. "I don't have any answers, I don't know what's going on inside of you." But she did, really. "You're everything you were before, just a little, I dunno, altered. It's all there, like you said that first day back. It's mixed up maybe. It sounds crazy but even after all they took from you I know now there's something more in you now than before. Not less, more." His expression told her she was right. New knowledge could masquerade as loss. "Feelings aren't good or bad" was bullshit when it came down to it; how many people were certain of that even as they believed others didn't agree? Leo remembered what he'd risked for her when it mattered most, and suddenly nothing else mattered.
"Whatever it is, it's okay. A very wise man told me once that 'even if I cannot wholly share your emotions, let this be the place where you feel most free to express them'." she gestured helplessly, "whatever it takes... I keep saying that, don't I? But I meant it, and I really try, not that my word has been worth very much so far."
He shook his head in disagreement. "It's worth more than I'm able to ask for."
They sat in silence, willing to listen and unable to speak, their hands still joined.
"I try to be a simple man," he told her finally, uncertain who he was explaining himself to, "I try to keep things uncluttered and find the straightest line to a solution. A ship's captain has to have the ability to distill events and their consequences into addressable issues, and to rationally manage a response to them.'
"And you're good at that, I don't have any experience under anyone else's command but I can't imagine anyone doing it better." Reassurance gave way to empathy. "But you can't manage what happened, can you, and you can't manage your response to it. I don't know how I'd manage if I had that taken from me... that last ring of control..." She squeezed his hand tight, unable to do more, and shook her head in dismay. "That's one irrational thing we have in common, captain, so I'm no help there."
A wry, faint smile. "More help than you know. I just wish there were a way to make this more simple."
Oh god, yes, she wanted to shout, but instead suggested, "Well maybe that's Deanna's job, to try to find a way to break it down, what happened, your response to it, so you can maybe manage it better." She was over her head and out of ideas, so she groped for something "meaningful" to say. And missed by a mile. "Life shouldn't be simple anyway, or where's the challenge?" Such glib empty words, she wanted to grab them back the minute she spoke them.
The knowing look in his eyes as they locked on hers cut straight to the bone. "Hypocrisy doesn't become you." Then the wry smile turned sadly gentle, and he raised their still-joined hands slightly between them. "This is 'whatever it takes', Leo, and it will always be enough. Even if you don't believe it, believe that I do."
The uneasy (on Leo's part) silence was broken by Deanna. "Something more is bothering you than questions of protocol." Confirmation. "Are you worried your feelings for Captain Picard might jeopardize your marriage?"
Leo shot upright. This, at least, was something certain to address. "No, my god, no! I'd no more… with the captain?… no you're missing the point entirely!" Even the suggestion was absurd.
Deanna responded with a gently pointed comment,"You haven't presented one clearly enough for me to miss."
Right, she had her there. So Leo told her, as clearly as she could, about how she'd forced Picard's hand the day before, how she gathered the guts to step inside the boundaries (or outside, depending on how you looked at it) and tried so hard to persuade him to bring his "inner monsters" – they had settled on that as a mutually understood term for what was tormenting him – to someone who was, after all, long experienced with wrangling such things.
Troi had sensed the inner wall Picard was maintaining in their sessions, but knew it was defensive. To batter through it if he wasn't ready could cause much more harm than good. She put it out of her mind for the time being and focused on Leo.
"You must have been very worried about him to have taken what must have been a very difficult step for you."
"'Worried' doesn't begin to describe it."
It was obvious to Deanna that Leo's ability to open up about what was really troubling her was badly hobbled by doubts and confusion. As a counselor Troi had found that in therapy it was often most helpful to allow her clients to "enlighten themselves", but she also could recognize when more guidance was necessary.
"When we feel a deep connection with another, even when it's unspoken, that person's pain in many real ways can become our own. Helping them becomes not merely a desire but an almost visceral imperative. Do you agree?"
Leo's nodded, grateful she didn't have to spell too much out too clearly. "Would you say it's possible that you might not really be aware of that kind of connection until something like that happens?" she ventured.
"Oh I think on some level we're always aware when we've developed that kind of bond, but I would say absolutely that a crisis can bring it into focus."
Suddenly Leo went from being unable to express herself to being unable to hold it back. "Since he's come back all I can see is where he's still broken, no matter what I know he's doing here to help himself, no matter how we continue that personal protocol of ours. Hell I know there's little enough we have in common, I'm not stupid, but where we are alike, it's… it's a dangerous place, you know?" She fumbled for a moment and hastened to add, "I mean, we share the worst possible bad judgment in some respects."
"It's true that both you and the captain share the tendency to take self-reliance to unnecessary lengths. But I don't think that's what you mean by a 'dangerous place', is it?"
Leo began to talk as if to herself, the words in her head becoming clearer as they were spoken aloud. "You meet so few people in your life, I have anyway, so few that really 'match' deep down, do you know what I mean? Oh, we all make friends and some are much closer than others, but only a few times does anyone find something elemental, a place that was only waiting for that person to step into it and then you only find out because you look up one day and poof, there they are. So many people identify that only in terms of romance, soul mates and all that hyper-dramatic stuff, but I never did. I actually think it's even harder to escape when it isn't hooked up with all those hormones."
"You had that with your friend Paul, didn't you." Deanna sensed a surge of fear in Leo, as if her hiding place had been discovered. The sense was confirmed by Leo's hurried response.
"Okay, well I'm a little afraid of another loss like that, I guess…" she trailed off, then her voice became clearer, "that's not really it anyway. It's that the reason I'm here, on the Enterprise, and what would make me the best at what I'm supposed to be doing, if I ever get that good, how can I hold onto that, how do I keep on being the logical well managed functionary with all this other stuff tangled up in it?"
"You mean how can you serve the captain as an effective officer if you also feel a pull towards friendship and personal connection? Perhaps you can ask Will Riker, or Geordi, or Data… they all struggle to maintain that same balance."
"You make it sound so, not easy, but maybe everyday or something. I've barely been able to admit I'm so attached to somebody so, god, so different from me. Okay, in some ways not so different, but I still can't begin to know how to integrate it into…"
Suddenly Deanna leaned forward and put a hand on Leo's arm. "Leo, stop. You can't turn this into an exercise in logic. Feelings are not logical, and relationships arise between people whether or not we understand why. I'm sure you can find the courage to explore what the captain's recent trauma has brought into focus. From what you've said it appears he is aware of it as well. If in the end you feel it's the wisest and best decision for you both, you can choose not to broach the issue with him specifically, and go on as you have been."
Leo stared down at her hands, then looked up at Deanna. "But I don't want to 'go on as we have been'. There's so much tapdancing, so much sidestepping and near-misses, and life's just too short for that crap. See, when I lost Paul I figured that was it, this was the great monumental bone-deep undeniable connection of my life. I don't need to explain it's not the same as me and Data, I know you understand the difference. And yeah, having something so much a part of me again, that can be lost in more ways than I can count, that's scary as hell. So here I am, I've admitted it to myself, and even to him, not in so many words but we then we always passed up the words for the deeds, haven't we? He told me that just by being there, that was 'whatever it takes'." She struggled for a moment longer, then blurted out, "But what do I do with this now? He's the captain, for christsake, I can't just up and say 'hey why don't we explore this thing we've been tapdancing around, let's take a hike in the holodeck'!"
Troi leaned forward and asked pointedly, "Why not? There are no rules against it… except your own, of course. Look, Leo, many things have changed in the past several centuries but one thing will never change; it has been true beyond time. With life and the universe growing larger every day and time and technology growing more complex, the personal connections we can make with others become even more important to our lives and well-being. Whether or not we decide to pursue them, we can't pretend they're unimportant."
Leo thought for a moment. "Then you think he'll be up to it?"
"That's not what I said. I can't tell you how he will respond, or even if you should try to find out. You have to decide that for yourself. There are undoubtedly risks involved, Leo," Deanna admitted, "nothing is guaranteed. Then again, nothing has been guaranteed since you came here, and you seem to be getting along fairly well."
"You have me there." She sighed, shrugged. "Well now that all the angst is thrashed out, how about a practical idea or two? Modern protocols aside, the eternal employee imperative is to look askance at a coworker consorting with the boss. What can I suggest that will avoid flaming corridor chatter, without pandering to it?"
"You know I can't tell you that. Not to sound too mystical, Leo, but the way will make itself apparent, as your feelings have. As a natural part of yourself."
Session over.
God, Leo was tired of endless "leaps of faith". Oh, sure, everyone has to face them now and then, but hadn't she leaped more than her share in just the past few years? Just once she'd like someone to not do her a favor she'd thank them for later, and offer a goddamn suggestion or two instead.