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Harry Potter and the Two Poltergeists

Hermione was quite concerned for his friend's sanity. Ever since the battle at the Ministry, his welfare had taken a turn for the worse. No matter how many letters she sent, no matter how many times she attempted to call him, he barely responded. Of course, she had wondered if those… relatives of his were refusing to let her get in touch. But even when she visited, he would barely speak a word. To her eyes, Harry had given up on life. It was as if there was nothing left to live for.

Until the day Sirius came back.

Granted, Hermione knew there was something suspicious about that. Sirius did not look like any ghost she knew of. Furthermore, she thought his claims as being a poltergeist were somewhat unreliable. Of course, she did have to admit to herself she was rather uncertain as to how poltergeists were created. But he looked too much like a human, and he even walked around! Sirius, of course, always lent himself to being a prankster, so perhaps that was the reason he was reborn in this manner. Or hanging onto life; one of the way, she had no choice but to wait until she got back to Hogwarts, and had access to the library.

On top of that, she was not encouraged by the fact that Sirius had managed to bring back yet another poltergeist. Honestly, the man could be so infuriating at times. Not only was this almost human poltergeist like himself, but also it was a female poltergeist. One that had decided to accompany him back from the netherworld, apparently. It took Hermione even longer than otherwise to believe that little tidbit of information.

Of course, it didn't help that Harry decided to tersely include all that information in the first letter he had deigned to respond to. He included no more than the simple: Sirius back, poltergeist. Brought with him another one. Am alright. Of course, Hermione wasn't going to let that stand without seeing it with her own eyes. At that, she gathered up her wand and made her way to Harry's pris- home, and make sure that no Death Eater had somehow managed to disguise himself as his godfather in an attempt to kidnap him.

Thirty minutes later, she left Number 4, Privet Drive with a stunned look on her face. Meeting someone you saw killed only a few weeks ago was hard enough. Seeing said dead person fading in and out of the halls scaring any Dursley that waddled past him was another thing entirely. Not to mention having a young girl with a funny pinkish hat and blue hair pop out of the wall drive them even crazier. Slowly making her way past the strange sight, and the twitching members of the Dursley family, she found Harry looking much happier than since school had ended.

No, he wasn't going crazy. No, she wasn't either. That was actually Sirius, back from the dead. Yes, he is a poltergeist. No, he is not like Peeves. He is stronger than Peeves, yes. He's relearning magic to help him. No, he doesn't know how Sirius can do that. Yes, that girl is a poltergeist too. She met Sirius when they were in the netherworld. No, that is not his girlfriend in the afterlife. Yes, that means he does have one apparently. I don't really want to think about that. She came because she was bored and wanted to try something new. Yes, you are still sane, Hermione. No, Luna has not visited me at all.

Eventually, Hermione ran out of questions, which led her away from the house towards her own home. She stayed in her room for a few days, trying to figure out exactly what had happened. Letters began to collect on her desk as Harry finally began to write back properly. Apparently, the trio was doing all they could to drive the Dursleys crazy, and repay them for all that they did to Harry. Her initial reaction to huff in disapproval died in her throat as she read further in each one, laughing at their antics. If there was one group of people that she could accept such behavior towards, it was them.

Of course, once she fully recovered from the shock, she began to reply with even more suggestions for revenge. If they had the means…

A few weeks later, Hermione decided to meet up with Harry and company. While Dumbledore had attempted to have Harry accompany him to the Burrow, he refused. With the two poltergeists with him, he was having more fun than ever before. Hermione suspected that there was something more to this explanation though. Dumbledore had apparently hobbled for a week afterwards, according to Ron. Perhaps Sirius had been too eager in helping Harry stay put?

Either way, she was here standing inside the front door to the Leaky Cauldron. And instead of just finding Harry with a few invisible spooks beside him, the two poltergeists strolled in, looking human to the entire world. Harry just gave her a shrug, before she regained her senses and jumped him with a hug.

"Harry! It's so good to see you!"

He just grinned, something that she was glad to see him doing again. "You too Hermione. Not to say it hasn't been fun, but it'd be nice to be with someone sane again."

Seeing him jerk his head towards the two spirits, she just grinned. "I can imagine. So it's really Sirius there? Same as before?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "Sadly, it's even worse. Now that he can't die…" He trailed off; leaving the point hanging, he stepped aside. "Besides, I think he wants to say hi in person."

Her eyes drifted over to where Sirius was standing behind Harry, only to find him nowhere in sight. Eyes widening, Hermione stepped back, trying to find the prankster. However, a bark from above her gave her but a moments notice before she was tackled by the now dog poltergeist, whom decided to slobber said poltergeist spittle all over her.

Eventually struggling free from his grasp, she tutted and slapped the dog on the nose. "Sirius…" Even at her growl, he just sat on his haunches and wagged his tail, giving her the best equivalent of a dog smile.

Hermione just rolled her eyes and patted him on the head, trying to keep him under control. Turning to the other poltergeist, standing and grinning silently the whole time, she held out a hand. "And you are the one who helped Sirius, Miss…?"

She just grinned and took Hermione's hand, shaking it just a tad too vigorously. "Prismriver. Merlin Prismriver." Harry snickered to himself, while the spirit gave a glaring Hermione an innocent look. "What? I thought that was how all you British people introduced themselves."

The poltergeist looked down, bobbing her strange hat. "Course, I could always introduce myself as Sirius here did? If that is preferable to you…" The smirk on her face as she faced Hermione was nearly chilling.

At that, the bushy haired girl blanched. "Umm… I'd rather not, actually." She tried to rally herself. "Hermione Granger. Pleasure to meet you."

Prismriver just nodded, her grin never leaving her face. "Of course, of course. Pleasure's all mine." She turned to face Harry. "Should we head in? We're holding up the entrance. Not that it's much of a problem for me."

Harry just shook his head and ushered the group over, taking one of the empty tables in the Cauldron. As they walked, Hermione regained a bit of her composure and addressed the girl. "So, why did you come with Sirius? Were you the one who helped him come back…?"

Grinning at Hermione, Prismriver replied, "Nah. That was the Princess of the Netherworld who found him, and she took a shine to him. My sisters and I heard stories of his home when we performed for her. So I decided to come along for a little while."

Hermione blinked at her. "Taken a shine? Do you mean…" At the spirits nod, she couldn't help but let her head tilt as she contemplated it. "How does that even…"

A raised eyebrow was all she got. Other than that perpetual grin, which seemed to be a permanent part of her face. "Do you really want me to explain that to you, Hermione?"

"On that thought, not particularly." Shuddering slightly, her head hung for a moment, before snapping back up and staring at her in the eyes. "Wait. The only reason you came was because you were bored?"

Prismriver buffed her nails on her shirt, as the grin widened even more. "Perhaps I had an ulterior motive, perhaps not. After all, somebody needed to look after Harry when Sirius went back to visit."

Face turning red, Hermione was about to threaten the poltergeist with bodily harm regardless of the fact that it was impossible, before a shout from the bar interrupted them. "Oy! By Merlin, there's Harry Potter!"

At that declaration, Harry, Merlin, and Sirius (whom had transformed back and taken a seat by this time) gave each other truly wicked grins. Harry just replied, "Yup. I'm Harry Potter, sitting right beside Merlin."

Oh no, they aren't seriously…

The man at the bar just gave the blueish haired girl a once over before turning back to Harry. "You can't be serious! Merlin wasn't a girl!"

Harry gave Merlin a once-over, before shrugging and turning back. "Well, I'm definitely not Sirius, because he's sitting across from me. And as far as I can tell, Merlin is a girl." He turned back towards her. "You sure you're a girl, Merlin?" At her smirk, he turned back once more and shrugged again. "See? Merlin is a girl."

By Merlin, they are… No, stop that!

The man shook his head and burped. "You can't be serious…" Something triggered in his short-term memory banks, as he spun and faced the next person. "Wait, you're Sirius Black?"

Sirius' eyes glinted as he stared back. "I'm glad you got it right. That over there is my godson, Harry. I'm the only Sirius one here."

Ouch… Maybe I shouldn't have hit my face that hard, but if they are really going to do this…

The man, who seemed by this point to have taken a few more drinks, just replied, "I heard you were dead… Sorry bout. Read in the Prophet that you got in a rather hairy situation.

Shaking his head sadly, Sirius tsked and looked over at his godson. "You might say that a Harry situation lead to my death. But it's alright. After I died, I had a few Sirius situations, until I decided to come back and just have Harry situations for now."

Oh great, now it'll just get even worse.

Harry just scoffed. "Hardly. You go back and have your Sirius situations once a week. After all, doesn't she like it when you get Sirius?"

The older… spirit just laughed. "Of course she does! Everyone likes me when I'm Sirius!"

Maybe it'll just end here… Yes… Sweet palm, please tell my forehead it'll go away...

The man at the bar, who by this point was definitely drunk, slurred, "So', wai' a min'. Ye mean ya wen' and cheated death? By Merlin!"

Sirius just blinked at the drunk, deadpanning, "Yes, I know I am beside Merlin. It's quite obvious, actually. And I'll have you know, I've never cheated death! I've always been honest with her!"

Bloody hell! Must he encourage them? This is ridiculous… Ok, forehead, apply directly to wall. Oww. Forehead, apply directly to wall. Oww. Forehead, apply…

Merlin reached over and patted his hand, grin still on her face. "We know Sirius. And we know you've been having a withdrawal, since you've had no Sirius situations. Maybe you should go back and have some before school starts?"

Sirius jumped at that. "Really? Do you mind Harry?"

He shrugged, barely constraining his laughter. "Sure. We'll try not to have any Harry situations before you've had your Sirius ones, ok?"

Urge… to… curse… rising...

The godfather literally jumped out of his chair and hugged the two of them, shouting his thanks as he ran out of the door. Or rather, he ran through it. Being a poltergeist did have some advantages.

Seeing that they were now alone, Merlin focused her grin on Harry. "Well, at least we don't have anything Sirius to worry about now." Her eyes twinkled, as she tilted her head and contemplated something. "You know, I don't particularly care for them when they're Sirius, particularly." The poltergeist's grin slowly molded into a smirk. "Some of us like them better when they are Harry, after all."

What? Is that poltergeist flirting with Harry?

That whole time, Harry had kept grinning. At least until she finished what she said. At that, he began to blush deeply as the grin that had covered his face slid off. "Wha… what? Merlin?" He couldn't say much more as he began to resemble a goldfish.

The girl leaned in closer, still smirking. When she got in front of his face, she just whispered out, "Gotcha." She leaned back and began to giggle.

Harry sighed and began to chuckle along. "Shoulda seen that one coming. Good one Merlin." Harry finally turned to face Hermione. "So, gonna join us Hermione?" He almost opened up his mouth to say something else, but thought better of it and stayed quiet.

Maybe I'll be able to get something out of them… As long as they stay calm… And I can stay sane.

Merlin just bounced up and down, patting Sirius' former seat. "Come join us! We do need to catch you up, since you're Harry's friend." Fixing her expression, she gave Hermione the most innocent expression possible. "Besides, I don't bite. The only things I do are…"

"Merlin's hairy balls!"

The three turned to face the drunken man whom had just vacated his stool. While the two humans' jaws dropped, the poltergeist just grinned wickedly once again. Recovering first, Harry asked, "So, Merlin, something you want to tell us?"

Unfazed by the remark, she just shot back, "Hardly. After all, didn't you hear? He said Merlin's Harry balls. My, a month since we've met and you're already telling all who claims them? Didn't take you to be so forward…"

Ok… Enough. Maybe later they'll be sane. For now, sweet bliss as forehead is applied to the table. Goodbye cruel world!

At that, Hermione's head clonked onto the table. Flanked by the mortified yet amused Harry and the crazy Merlin, she slept blissfully unaware of the rest of the conversation.

And also blissfully unaware of how long this year was going to be.

A/N Yes, this whole thing was an excuse to write that last scene. Any plot took second place to the plots. Not going to write any more of this (for now) unless someone(s) really wants to see it. I've enough stories on my hands as it is. It was one of those that I had this idea in my head, and I just had to type it. Either way, next chapter should be out by Monday, so until then!

Edited on March 23rd, 2012 for additional clarity. Da ze.