Okay… So, let me give this baby justice. This story is essentially the FF7 game, but, as the summary says, with a demented cast. There will be equal-opportunity bashing going on, though Cloud, Vincent, and Tifa will likely receive the most since they're my favorite, most-used characters. Aerith will get some, too, just because I don't like her. But I won't be biased. Everything is all in good fun.

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII or any of its spin-offs. And I pray Square won't hate me for what I've done to their characters…

Chapter One: WTF?

She knelt beside the piping, watching the escaping Mako float away. Setting her hands together, she dusted them off and stood, turning to face the entrance of the alleyway. She walked out softly, her pink dress folding around her knees with every step. Smiling pleasantly, she glanced down at the basket on her right elbow and reached inside to rearrange the flowers. She walked a little further, stopping at the edge of the curb and waiting.

A truck driving past veered around the corner at full speed, slamming into the pink-clad girl head-on. She sailed a good ten feet before hitting the ground and rolling. Stumbling to her feet, she waved an impolite finger at the driver and yelled a curse. She slapped a hand on her dress in an attempt to clean the dust off and walked away, holding what little dignity she still had.

O.o

The train flew by, cruising towards its destination without knowledge of its hitchhiker. The young man on top gripped his oversized blade in his right hand, bringing it up to rest his forehead on the blunt side. He flipped the sword easily and set it on his back, leaving it to rest while raising his gaze to the tunnel ahead of him.

'My name is Cloud… SOLDIER, First Class.'

He stood slowly, his form strong and still in the rushing winds. His hand still on the hilt of his sword, he took a slow step forward. And another. And another. He squinted in the light of the overhead streetlamps, feeling a strong pain in his forehead before dropping to his back. Rubbing a hand over his face, he pulled himself to a crouching position and glared over his shoulder at the iron beam that had jubilantly greeted him seconds ago. He stood tall again, keeping his eyes open for beams in the distance. Hopping over one or two, he waited as the train slowly eased to a stop.

Cloud gripped his sword in one hand and braced the other on the cold steel beneath him, using it as leverage as he leapt off. He landed swiftly on his feet and flourished his sword briefly before falling into a ready stance. Raising his lip in a snarl, the two guards waiting on the platform stared back blankly.

'Yeah, that's right. Cringe in fear over my awesome skillz!'

One of them scratched his temple, "Who are you?"

The blond smirked and gave no other sign of a response, flashing his blade once more instead. Out of the blue, a young woman with reddish-brown hair and a man with black hair -both with matching red bandanas on their brow- leapt out of the train and tackled one guard each.

Cloud watched blankly as the two guards fell in crumpled piles on the deck. He looked back up at the two newcomers, jaw hanging slightly open, "What'd you do that for!? I was supposed to sick 'em!"

The man rolled his eyes, "You were taking waaay too long."

The woman smiled sweetly at Cloud, "But you looked hot while showing off your icy-cold stare!"

The blond smirked, "Thank you. At least someone around here appreciates a good, well-practiced glare."

The man rolled his eyes, "Whatever. The boss is waiting at the meeting point. Let's go."

"Fine." He took a few steps and paused, "Where are we going?"

The woman shot him a flirty smile and waved a hand over her shoulder, "Over here, Cloud…"

The man slapped his forehead, "Let's go…" He walked off, Cloud and the woman trailing behind.

Cloud walked off, the woman grabbing hold of his arm and walking right next to him. Cloud leaned over to whisper in her ear, "Sooo… That girl back at the base… She's pretty hot, huh?"

The woman pouted and let go of his hand, effectively shoving it back at him. The man rolled his eyes, "Just get a room, already!"

Cloud blinked, confused, "What just happened?"

The woman stuck her lip out and ran forward to catch up with the man, continuing their walk to the rendezvous point. Moments later, a large, dark-skinned man came running down a different street to meet with them. He raised his right hand, waving the attached gun every which way and accidentally fired, resulting in a strange man falling from his apartment window. The four people in the street watched him hit a trash dumpster below with a thud.

Cloud shook his head, "Where to?"

The large man shrugged, "I don' know, foo."

The dark-haired man sighed, "The reactor, Barret."

"Reactor… Reactor… Sounds familiar…"

"The Mako reactor?"

"Ohh… Right! What're we doin' there, foo?"

"Blowing it up?"

"Oh, yeah! Which way, foo?"

"This way…" He sighed and trudged off, the other three all quick to follow.

They walked along, finally reaching a pause at the door to the reactor. The woman bent down at the control panel and opened it to hack into the system. The man leaned against the wall beside her, "Jessie… You got the code?"

"Sure do!" She voiced the numbers as she entered them, "1… 2… 3… 4… 5…"

The man rolled his eyes, "Clever, ShinRa is not."

Cloud stood by the door, waiting for it to open. The second it did, he sauntered inside with a confidant stroll. The dark-haired man rolled his eyes again, "I think SOLDIER just had a bunch of pompous brats in their ranks… I doubt it if you even have any skill."

Jessie came up next to him, "That's not very nice, Biggs! I'm sure he could cut you down without even breaking a sweat!"

"Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence…"

"It's true, isn't it, Cloud?"

The blond turned, one finger digging deep in his ear, "Huh?"

Biggs slapped his forehead, "I rest my case."

"Hey! Here you guys are!"

Cloud looked up, wiping his hand clean on his baggy black pants, to see a large man in blue jeans and donning the same red bandanna come around the corner. Biggs nodded to him, "Wedge! Where'd you get off to?"

Wedge laughed, "I had the wrong rendezvous point. My bad."

"Never mind… Let's just go. Everyone clear on what to do?"

O.o

They made their way through the reactor after splitting into two groups, Cloud and Barret in one and Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie in the other. Cloud crept through the halls, applying every bit of SOLDIER espionage training he'd ever received to keep his steps quiet and sounds to a minimum. Behind him, Barret thundered through the halls without a care in the world, waving his arms animatedly while telling Cloud a story about his oh-so-adorable daughter. Apparently, she'd once poured almost a whole gallon of milk into a bowl of cereal.

Cloud found himself mentally bookmarking this information while slipping through a doorway leading to an outdoor staircase. The blond followed it down towards the reactor proper with the large man behind him now telling him about his precious daughter's adventure with action figures and a toilet flusher. They made their way to the core of the reactor, prompting Barret to sift through his pockets and come out with a rubber ducky.

The blond raised an eyebrow, "Is that… a rubber ducky?"

The older man laughed, "Whoops! That's Marlene's! I meant to grab this!" He stuck the duck back in his pocket and came back out with small, metal box-shaped contraption. "This is da bomb Jessie made! Here! You set it!"

"What!? Why!?"

"I don' know how da damn thing works!"

"I don't, either! Demolitions was the one class I kept failing… God, the funds ShinRa put into funeral benefits for instructors…"

"I don' care! Bombs scare da heebie-jeebies outta me!"

Cloud touched a hand to his forehead and took the bomb with the other hand, "Okay, so let's see… We've got a plain box with a single button and a little screen. Suppose we push the button?"

"I guess. I got nuthin' else."

'Watch out, dumbass! This isn't just a reactor!'

He looked around for a moment and shrugged, "Here goes." He pressed the small, red button and the screen lit up with '00:01.' Cloud's eyes widened, "One second!? That's it!?" Then the screen switched to '62:60.'

Barret looked at it, "What da…?"

Cloud examined it as the numbers continued to change, then flipped the bomb over so it read, '09:57.'

"Oh. Dat'd do it."

"Come on. We've got ten minutes 'til this place blows," he set the bomb on the floor by the reactor core.

"Okay. Let's blow dis joint!" As they started running back the way they'd come, he laughed to himself, "Get it? 'Blow'? Haha!"

They skidded to a stop before reaching the first ladder as a gigantic red robot came from around the corner. Barret paused, scratching his head, "What da hell is dat?"

The ex-SOLDIER shrugged, "Beats me. It's ShinRa, though. Watch this." He ran forward, ducking under its scorpion-like tail as it crashed down towards him. Grabbing hold of one of the robot's legs, he flipped onto its back and, without drawing his sword, poked a finger into its back. Immediately, it buckled and convulsed, collapsing into a heap of red metal.

Barret whistled, "The hell you do?"

Cloud leapt back to the ground nimbly, "Off-switch. ShinRa always puts those things in easy places."

"You got one?"

"No…"

"Damn. Dat'd be cool."

"It would be…"

"Yeah! If I ever get sick o' ya, I just reach behind your neck and 'click!' Down ya go!"

"Okay, that's not really cool…"

"Da hell it's not!"

"What?"

"What what?"

"What what what?"

"What what what what?"

Cloud thrust a thumb over his shoulder, "Isn't there a bomb set to blow back there?"

"Yeah. So?"

"Aren't we still in the area that'll get blown up?"

Barret stroked his chin thoughtfully, "I guess so…"

The blond checked his watch, "If this is right, we have about six minutes to get out."

"Huh. Isn't dat somethin'?"

"Yeah…"

They sat for a minute, scratching their heads in wonder, before suddenly breaking into a run and dashing up the stairs and out of the reactor core room. Continuing back the way they'd come, they clambered up ladders and through closing doors. Cloud skidded to a halt when he found Jessie sitting on the rafter with a piece of rubble pinning her leg down. He bent down to his knees to lift it and threw it over the edge, musing, "Wasn't that paper mâché?"

Jessie rolled her eyes and stood, "Don't be ridiculous! That thing was crushing my leg! I could've died if you hadn't come this way to help me!"

"If you say so. Must be my awesome SOLDIER strength, then!"

"Yeah… Must be." Jessie gave her eyes another roll and ran off to get out of the reactor with Barret at her heels.

The dark man called over his shoulder, "Meet up at da Sector Eight station!"

Cloud ran up the ramp after him, "Got it!"

After meeting up with Biggs and Wedge and hacking through a few more doors, they got outside and went their own ways. Cloud opted for the stairs, running up and colliding with a girl in a pink dress with dust all over her clothing. She fell to the ground, "Oww…! Darn it! This just isn't my day."

Cloud blinked and extended a hand to help her up, "You okay?"

"Yeah, I think so. Do you know what's going on? Everything just started blowing up…"

"Ah, just some terrorists trying to blow up a reactor to save the planet. No big."

"Oh. Okay. Say… You want to buy a flower? They're only a gil…"

"Oh, sure. I know this chick who'd love to get something like that! Here," he dug in his pocket as another explosion went off behind him. "Ah-ha!" he pulled a gil out of his pocket, "Here you go!"

"Thank you! Here!" she reached into the basket on her arm and handed him a white flower.

"Thanks!"

The girl smiled and skipped off down the street, humming a bright and happy tune on her way. Cloud shrugged and ran down the street, skidding to a halt on a bridge as ShinRa grunts came running out on all sides. He pointed at the one in front, "Hey! You're the guy that owes me twenty bucks!"

The guard shuffled his feet, "I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Yeah! As if!"

He looked around sheepishly, and then remembered the gun in his hand, "Hey! You're with AVALANCHE, aren't you!?"

Cloud smirked, back to his cocky self, "And if I am?"

"I don't know. It just sounded like something the bad guy should say. Um, I mean, the nerve you people have! Harming innocent lives for your cause!"

"Yeah, that's better." He cleared his throat, "It's for the good of the planet!"

"But think of the people you're hurting now!"

"Think of the future generations!"

He cocked his weapon, "You scum!"

Cloud shrugged and whipped out his sword, "Honestly. I have a unique mesh, a big-ass sword, awesome, spiky hair, and this is still the tutorial part of the story. Do you really think you stand a chance?"

"Of course not. We're just NPC's. But the script says we have to get our asses handed to us by you, so, here we are!"

"Okay." He flourished his sword for a minute, "Say… You give me those twenty bucks and we can pretend we never met…"

The guard stared, blinking, before shrugging, "Okay. Here! Take the gil!" he pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and handed twenty gil to him.

"Thanks, friend! See ya!" Cloud stepped up onto the railing of the bridge and leapt off, landing face-first on a passing train.

O.o

Barret, Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie all sat inside the train departing from the Sector 8 station. Biggs and Wedge sat with a travel game of Connect Four, sliding black and red chips down the slots to try to get four in a row before the other did. Jessie stayed still, staring out the window and singing 'Disturbia' to herself while watching the scenery pass. Barret sat on the side with a carton of popcorn from the street vendor and munched away, voicing all their thoughts, "Wonder if Futurama is on tonight…"

Biggs looked up, "Nope. I checked the guide before we left. It was canceled for a South Park marathon."

"Whatta load o' shit."

"I know, but what can we do?"

A loud 'thud!' could be heard above them as something whacked into the train. Wedge looked up, "Oh, yeah. That loud 'thud!' just reminded me… Where'd Cloud get off to?"

The door burst open and the blond in question flipped inside, landing on his feet with a cold glare to everyone. Jessie jumped up, throwing her arms around him, "Cloud! You're okay!"

He struggled to pull her off, "Of course I am. I've been through worse. Just a couple o' ShinRa grunts to take out…"

Biggs pointed at the weapon on his back, "But… There's no blood on your sword."

Cloud glanced over his shoulder, temporarily forgetting about Jessie, "That's because I didn't need it. I took 'em out with my bare hands!"

"There's no blood on your hands, either…"

"Geez, what's your problem!? I didn't need to draw blood, okay!? I'm just that good!"

Biggs leaned over to Wedge, "Ten gil says he bribed them."

The chubby man whispered back, "Ten gil says he didn't meet any at all."

Cloud caught their conversation and shouted, pointing a finger at them, "Hey! I did so meet them and I didn't bribe them! I bargained! Twenty bucks for their lives!"

Biggs snorted, "I knew you didn't lay a finger on them…"

"Damn it…" Cloud crossed his arms awkwardly because of the still-clinging Jessie, "Any chance we can not mention this to Tifa?"

The other three men all exchanged knowing glances, "As if she won't know."

So… That is the first chapter of my strange, twisted sense of humor.

Review?

-Valk