"Are you sure you want to do this?" Jacob asked stroking my shoulder with his thumb, slowly back and forth. It was nice and warm, and the air was getting colder as the sun was going down. Cold… I thought but, quickly cut off the thought before it could hurt by reciting my ABCs. A… B… C… D… E… E!!E is for Edwa- Shut up brain! Is there any freaking thing that doesn't remind you of- I groaned and leaned my head against Jacob. I could feel my cheek curve softly around his strong brown shoulder. Strong, not hard. Hard was… I shook the thought out of my head. Shut up!! I reminded myself. I knew I couldn't continue blocking my own thoughts forever. That's why when Jacob suggested we go cliff diving I agreed to the ridiculous danger. It would bring his voice back to me. But now Jacob apparently was having second thoughts about the danger. We were leaning against his car looking out over the dark water beneath the cliff. The ocean was churning vigorously and looked unwelcoming. The dark waves slapped the base if the cliff rhythmically, Its color reminded me of Edward's perfect beautiful eyes when he was thirsty. Sh I thought, the name. The hole in my chest was already gaping and burning. New stupid little connections burst in to my head, one after another like popcorn kernels in the microwave. Both the water and Edward's eyes are dangerous, both I want to be in very much. I thirst for his voice as he thirsts for my blood. Memories flooded my unprotected mind. His smooth cold skin, bright topaz eyes, a soft accent, a sweet melody being played on the piano. My insides burned, the hole ripping me apart from the inside out. I clenched my teeth so as not to scream.
"Bella, are you okay?" Jacob asked, sensing my pain. Jacob was the kind of person who noticed supple things like someone clenching their jaw. If I had been standing there with say, Jessica, she wouldn't have noticed and would have gone right on talking.
"Yah, I'm fine." I lied and wrapped my arms around Jacob's muscular torso. I remember hugging Edward like this I thought, visualizing a cold pale chest instead of the warm brown one in front of me. I felt a stab of guilt as I realized I was using Jacob as a replacement, but the hole immediately began to close up. No matter how bad you want Edward it isn't okay to hold someone else and picture him instead. I reminded myself, that's just selfish… selfish and incredibly… wrong. Besides, Jacob deserves better than that. Jacob deserves someone who's thinking about Jacob, not some past boyfriend that doesn't want her. It was a miracle I wasn't crying at this point. You're not good enough for Edward, not good enough for Jacob… Who does that leave? Mike? I bet he wouldn't even want me if he knew…I swam in my own self pity. I knew I had to stop thinking. Thinking made everything worse. Thoughtlessness made it all better, that in combination with danger.
Jacob decided to try to distract me from my thoughts by teasing. "Sure you're ready to swim in ten foot waves?" He asked. He knew there was something wrong, that I wasn't okay
"Very." I replied softly. It was getting windier by the second, colder too. Like Edward's skin, cold. Edward's skin was smooth cold wind. The edges of the hole burned again. Jacob winced and ran his long fingers through my knotted snarly hair. My heart and stomach twisted simultaneously, not knowing how I felt as he pulled me a little closer. One thing was for sure: I didn't pull away. I knew it was all wrong, but I couldn't will myself to. It made the hole burn less. "I don't think it's a good idea." He whispered in his deep rough voice, "There's gonna be a hurricane tonight and the water's really cold. Most people stay indoors during hurricanes not jump off cliffs, yah know?" He halfheartedly teased and tapped my nose with his finger. Crap, I thought, He's being logical. I need a cure for the hole that was ethical, like jumping off a cliff (well it was ethical in comparison to yanking around someone's heart at least.).
"I really want to do this. I've been waiting all day!" I whined. He wrapped his arms around my waist. Again I didn't protest. It felt so… right… If only it weren't such a sin.
"It's not safe Bella." He countered firmly, with deep pleading concern in his eyes beautiful brown eyes. Perfect I thought. Safe isn't exactly what I wanted.
"If you're there it's safe." I begged shamelessly, "You jump in first, and then if I start to drown you can pull me out. Let's go." I demanded, tugging on his hand. I need my Edward fix. I thought Ha! It's as if I'm a drug addict, only this is probably more dangerous. I thought grimly.
Jacob shook his head "You're insane, yah know that?" He chuckled, sadly he didn't know how literally correct he was. " I just don't want you to get hurt, Bella. God knows, the waves are so strong that if I don't swim to you in time, you'll be caught by the undertow and drown. It's not that likely, but I'm not taking any chases with your life, especially not just for kicks. No" Jacob was so sweet and logical… I hated it.
I wanted my hallucination now, and very badly. Jacob would save me from the waves, I was positive. He was so strong; even he said it wasn't likely that he'd be too late. He was just being extra precautionary. Little did he know how badly I needed Edward's voice to maintain my sanity. I need to Jump I thought, now. I had an idea. I would do just that: Jump now. The beautiful velvet voice I craved already started to kicked in. The burn completely diminished as I basked in the beautiful smooth sound. "No Bella!" Edward's voice snarled inside my head. "That will kill you!"
"Too bad!" A replied to both of them, as I broke away from Jacob's warm arms. I ran straight to the edge of the cliff and flung myself to the treacherous waters below.