Shinra T.V.
A Final Fantasy VII Story
Written by Cap Cid Highwind / R. Keith Sewell.
( The Shinra logo appears on a random TV screen in Midgar, followed by cheezy
xylophone music. Soon the graphic is replaced by the figure of Heidegger, on
a soundstage somewhere in the Shinra Building )
Heidegger: Welcome, losers of the world! This is Shinra T.V. Here's your
host, Tseng!
Tseng: Thank you, Heidegger. Hello, Midgar. Today, a lot of happy
crappy happened. Since I hate being here and wish I were dead, here's Reno
with a report on.....something.
Reno: ( Appears on the screen wearing a red party dress and looking
really hung over ) Huh..? Oh, ungh..I'm Reno. I had wild sex last night with
someone I've never met before...I think it was a female...? Uh..back to
you...Bob... ( Passes out )
Tseng: Interesting. Now here's Rude with a Gardening Report.
Rude: ( Shot switches to a nice, silven glen. Rude is wearing a
green bandana which reads, "Flower Power!" ) I'm here with, Tifa
Lockheart...in her garden.
Tifa: HIYA!!
Rude: So... I noticed this nice bush here...
Tifa: Oh yes! I love my bush!!
Rude: Well, you have a nice full bush here, yet you seem to keep it
well trimmed...
Tifa: Oh yeah, I trim my bush every week!!
Rude: ( Runs his hands over the leaves ) Hmm... running my fingers
through your bush is...satisfying. Nice.
Tifa: And I'm sure my bush likes it!!
Rude: What's this over here......?
Tifa: That's my prize Pussy Willow!!
Rude: Gee, you have a nice little pu--
Tseng: ( Suddenly reappears on the screen ) Unfortunately we're out
of time for the Gardening Report. Now we move to Elena with the weather.
Elena: ( A large map of the planet flashes onscreen followed by
Elena who moves to stand in front of it ) Um...HI! It'll be cloudy over
Midgar as usual. Acid rain from 3 to 4 PM Midgar Standard Time. I dunno
what's happening everywhere else though, so I guess all you other towns can
ram a stick up your--
Tseng: ( Appears once again ) Thank you, Elena. Now a few words from
our President, Rufus Shinra.
Rufus: ( Flashes on the screen for 3 seconds ) I hope you all die....
Tseng: ( Reappears ) Thank you, Rufus. Palmer is on the scene of an
argument. We take you there now, since we have nothing better to do.
Palmer: ( Suddenly comes onto the screen, the surroundings of a bar
behind him ) Thanks, Tseng! Hey-hey! Here, Pro Pilot, Cid Highwind and Mister
T impersonator, Barret Wallace are in a tizzy over the simple question. Who
spilled the tea?!
Cid: DAMMIT!! I know you spilled my goddamn tea, Barret!!! You've
always hated my TEA!!
Barret: Foo'! I weren't near da' damn tea!
Cid: ( Flails his arms furiously ) THAT DOES IT!! I'm gonna tip
yer drink over, you ebonic-talkin' assdancer!! ( Reaches for Barret's Ripple )
Barret: WHAT DA' HELL!?!? ( Smacks Cid to the floor ) FOO'!! Don't
NEVA touch a black mans Ripple!!
Palmer: Mister Barret, how do you feel about pilots who mess with
your ripple?
Barret: I PITY DA' FOO' WHO MESS WIT' MAH RIPPLE!!
Reno: ( Staggers in and collapses on Barret's table, spilling the
Ripple all over )
Barret: %#*&%#(*#*#*?&!!! FOO'!!!!!! ( Smacks Reno around and shoots
him with his gun arm, also hitting a waitress in the process, making her drop
a glass of Long Island Iced Tea )
Cid: AHHH!!! NOT THE TEA!!! %%*#(%#($#*%#)($(*#$(*%#%#*)#%##!!!!!!
Rufus: ( Suddenly appears on camera ) Why not drink Pepsi? ( Begins
singing, "I'm too sexy for my shirt" )
Palmer: ( Joins Rufus ) Back to you, Tseng!!! WOOOOO!!!
Tseng: ( Reappears on camera, conditioning his hair ) Oops, uh,
here's some hidden camera footage.
( Footage rolls )
Rufus: Hurry up..I have a speech in 10 minutes....
Reeve: ( Places a familiar looking, bright orange hairpeice on
Rufus' head ) There, sir.
Rufus: Is it on straight?
Reeve: I think so....
Rufus: MAKE IT PERFECT!!! NO ONE MUST KNOW!!!! AHRGH!!
Reeve: .............
Tseng: ( Appears one final time ) Well, that's all for this addition
of Shinra T.V. Goodnight everyone!
Yuffie: ( Pops up from behind Tseng's desk ) OH MY GAWD!!! ( Falls
face first into the desktop )
Tseng: Huh....?
THE
END
Episode 2, coming soon. Field reporter Reno covers the annual Shinra
Employee Picnic! Stay tuned!
All characters copyright Squaresoft, 1998.
A Final Fantasy VII Story
Written by Cap Cid Highwind / R. Keith Sewell.
( The Shinra logo appears on a random TV screen in Midgar, followed by cheezy
xylophone music. Soon the graphic is replaced by the figure of Heidegger, on
a soundstage somewhere in the Shinra Building )
Heidegger: Welcome, losers of the world! This is Shinra T.V. Here's your
host, Tseng!
Tseng: Thank you, Heidegger. Hello, Midgar. Today, a lot of happy
crappy happened. Since I hate being here and wish I were dead, here's Reno
with a report on.....something.
Reno: ( Appears on the screen wearing a red party dress and looking
really hung over ) Huh..? Oh, ungh..I'm Reno. I had wild sex last night with
someone I've never met before...I think it was a female...? Uh..back to
you...Bob... ( Passes out )
Tseng: Interesting. Now here's Rude with a Gardening Report.
Rude: ( Shot switches to a nice, silven glen. Rude is wearing a
green bandana which reads, "Flower Power!" ) I'm here with, Tifa
Lockheart...in her garden.
Tifa: HIYA!!
Rude: So... I noticed this nice bush here...
Tifa: Oh yes! I love my bush!!
Rude: Well, you have a nice full bush here, yet you seem to keep it
well trimmed...
Tifa: Oh yeah, I trim my bush every week!!
Rude: ( Runs his hands over the leaves ) Hmm... running my fingers
through your bush is...satisfying. Nice.
Tifa: And I'm sure my bush likes it!!
Rude: What's this over here......?
Tifa: That's my prize Pussy Willow!!
Rude: Gee, you have a nice little pu--
Tseng: ( Suddenly reappears on the screen ) Unfortunately we're out
of time for the Gardening Report. Now we move to Elena with the weather.
Elena: ( A large map of the planet flashes onscreen followed by
Elena who moves to stand in front of it ) Um...HI! It'll be cloudy over
Midgar as usual. Acid rain from 3 to 4 PM Midgar Standard Time. I dunno
what's happening everywhere else though, so I guess all you other towns can
ram a stick up your--
Tseng: ( Appears once again ) Thank you, Elena. Now a few words from
our President, Rufus Shinra.
Rufus: ( Flashes on the screen for 3 seconds ) I hope you all die....
Tseng: ( Reappears ) Thank you, Rufus. Palmer is on the scene of an
argument. We take you there now, since we have nothing better to do.
Palmer: ( Suddenly comes onto the screen, the surroundings of a bar
behind him ) Thanks, Tseng! Hey-hey! Here, Pro Pilot, Cid Highwind and Mister
T impersonator, Barret Wallace are in a tizzy over the simple question. Who
spilled the tea?!
Cid: DAMMIT!! I know you spilled my goddamn tea, Barret!!! You've
always hated my TEA!!
Barret: Foo'! I weren't near da' damn tea!
Cid: ( Flails his arms furiously ) THAT DOES IT!! I'm gonna tip
yer drink over, you ebonic-talkin' assdancer!! ( Reaches for Barret's Ripple )
Barret: WHAT DA' HELL!?!? ( Smacks Cid to the floor ) FOO'!! Don't
NEVA touch a black mans Ripple!!
Palmer: Mister Barret, how do you feel about pilots who mess with
your ripple?
Barret: I PITY DA' FOO' WHO MESS WIT' MAH RIPPLE!!
Reno: ( Staggers in and collapses on Barret's table, spilling the
Ripple all over )
Barret: %#*&%#(*#*#*?&!!! FOO'!!!!!! ( Smacks Reno around and shoots
him with his gun arm, also hitting a waitress in the process, making her drop
a glass of Long Island Iced Tea )
Cid: AHHH!!! NOT THE TEA!!! %%*#(%#($#*%#)($(*#$(*%#%#*)#%##!!!!!!
Rufus: ( Suddenly appears on camera ) Why not drink Pepsi? ( Begins
singing, "I'm too sexy for my shirt" )
Palmer: ( Joins Rufus ) Back to you, Tseng!!! WOOOOO!!!
Tseng: ( Reappears on camera, conditioning his hair ) Oops, uh,
here's some hidden camera footage.
( Footage rolls )
Rufus: Hurry up..I have a speech in 10 minutes....
Reeve: ( Places a familiar looking, bright orange hairpeice on
Rufus' head ) There, sir.
Rufus: Is it on straight?
Reeve: I think so....
Rufus: MAKE IT PERFECT!!! NO ONE MUST KNOW!!!! AHRGH!!
Reeve: .............
Tseng: ( Appears one final time ) Well, that's all for this addition
of Shinra T.V. Goodnight everyone!
Yuffie: ( Pops up from behind Tseng's desk ) OH MY GAWD!!! ( Falls
face first into the desktop )
Tseng: Huh....?
THE
END
Episode 2, coming soon. Field reporter Reno covers the annual Shinra
Employee Picnic! Stay tuned!
All characters copyright Squaresoft, 1998.