It's time for something a little different! I've never seen an explanation of the Kurama/Youko personality that I really like, so I decided to write my own. The idea is, obviously, up for interpretation. Let me know what you think!
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Disclaimer: Yu Yu Hakusho is not mine. Kurama isn't either. Or Hiei. *sniffle*
He had been sitting on the bed, staring out the partly curtained window for hours. The incoming wind ruffled his hair, though he seemed not bothered by it. Birds chirped quietly in the distance, causing flickers of black in the sunlight streaming in as they flew by. Had it not been for the solemn expression of his face, and the faint stench of blood, all would have seemed well on the island.
Hiei had made it a point to let the kitsune alone after the battles had been called and outside forces had made their stakes known. Personally, he had been more than pleased with the outcomes of the day's pairings, and not only for his own performance. Yusuke had even gone so far as to call him chipper, but for that he had received an unceremonious smack to the back of the head before the demon in question flitted off, more training ahead of him. It had been for the best, he assumed, to leave the rest of the team to their own devices after the day's events; the human boys were caught up in the logistics of the next fight and the masked fighter had effectively disappeared once the win had been announced. As for the fox, he would want to examine his own experience in the ring.
Though he had thought it, Hiei was surprised to see the kitsune in their shared room when he returned a few hours later. Judging by the stagnant energy in the air, he had been there for some time, seemingly unmoving. He would have chalked it up to being exhausted from the match, but something else was lingering in the sunlight that hit his face to make him wonder what had come over him. Having uncommonly entered through the door, he could not see the eyes which held the answer. Knowing it would not come unless he asked, the smaller of the two flopped down on his own bed, making his presence obvious.
"You think too much." Though it had not been a question, Hiei knew that his initiation would be recognized. The fox seemed disinterested, though, not turning to look at him as he gazed outside.
"Do I?" he murmured as quiet as a breath, his tone giving away nothing. At this, Hiei lifted his head to stare at the other. Red forelocks swayed with the pickup of the breeze, the only sign of movement in the room. Despite the sunlight and the birdsong, something dark loomed over the kitsune, something that Hiei had not seen in a long time. Slowly, as if not to startle a wild creature, he moved into a sitting position, propped up by his elbows.
"Your fight was impressively won today, Kurama. I don't know what you're moping about." He had intended to add a sharp but quit it now at the end, but the lack of response had put him somewhat on edge. Apparently the feeling in the room was contagious.
He was not prepared when veridian eyes descended upon him, hard and analytical. Knowing that he was being scanned for something, the fire demon held his gaze, trying to turn it around. They stayed like that for a moment, a stalemate. Hiei was bewildered, unsure what exactly the fox could be trying to see in him, though he assumed his confusion showed. The plant wielder himself was a perfect mask, his face no more revealing than cold porcelain. The fire demon was just about to speak, to push for some sort of admittance, when the kitsune's eyes pulled back, his gaze diverting to the window. He let out a miniscule sigh, a sound that would have escaped anyone else. The fire demon could only stare, unsure of where the sudden change in attitude was coming from. When the silence stretched on, with no sense of its end, Hiei found himself taking the initiative again.
"Was it something I did?" The phrase sounded foreign coming out of his mouth, but he was unsure what else to say. The look that answered was strained, the redhead still looking away. That: that face was reason to worry. Hiei sat up the rest of the way, eyes slightly wide, trying to discern something from the other's face.
"No," he spoke after a moment, meeting his eyes briefly before finding something more interesting in his own lap. "Not really."
His tone indicated otherwise, and Hiei found himself without patience. Normally, he wouldn't be bothered over offending one of the team, but since the start Kurama had been different. They were partners, and if one of them was vulnerable the other would suffer. At least, that was his justification. Caring came more naturally than he wanted when it concerned the other, and with it came insecurity. The change was necessary for the growth of their partnership, but as their trust grew, so had his dependency. The difference left him less than comfortable.
"Fox." The kitsune in question looked up at him, more at the use of the nickname than anything. It was something he had picked up from Yusuke, though Kurama noticed that he only used it when he was either proud of the kitsune or worried for him. It pulled at something in him, knowing what was to come of the conversation. But, for the sake of their partnership, it had to be done. When he finally did speak, he did so carefully. When he met the other's eyes, he asked with them a question, and though it was Hiei who had asked fist he found himself answering anyway, heeding the plea behind them.
"What do you think of me, Hiei?" Silence fell between them again, though this time it was clear that a response was on its way. Kurama let himself be examined, knowing that Hiei was trying to figure out what direction to go with his answer. It only seemed to frustrate the smaller demon, though, his face contorting in a determined yet flustered mix. They were both mildly surprised when he stood, taking a step forward to meet the fox head on with his answer.
"I think that my actions speak loud enough. I chose you as my partner because you have more than proven yourself. You're a more brilliant tactician than I, and just as good a fighter as a human. If your ego truly needs a stroking, then you should know that I have never been prouder of another being than I was seeing you fight today, and that knowledge is an honor I have not bestowed on any other living soul. Now, are you going to tell me what's gotten you in such a nit, or will I have to reevaluate all of the faith I've put in that mind up until now?"
Without denying it, the kitsune spoke.
"I did not like it, the way you looked at me."
Hiei froze. The empty tone resounded in his ears. What could he have given away, while standing and watching his companion's ruthless form, to make him feel this way? Had he anything to give away? Quickly, he composed himself, hoping to not let whatever might have happened repeat itself. Even as he did, a small voice in the back of his head whispered. He knows how you look at him. Hiei himself did not know that.
The kitsune's eyes were pointed towards his lap again, hands woven through each other in a thoughtful posture. Shadow fell over him, clouds obscuring the sun, which was beginning it's burnt orange descent in the sky. Evidence of life outside faded with its journey, and the kitsune let his troubled voice mark the change.
"I knew from the very beginning that you would, of course, but what I could not imagine was my own reaction. Perhaps I thought that you would understand, but I suppose that was naive of me. Thinking I would not care was also naive, I expect." He paused, turning his face to the side, catching the last glimpses of the sun's light on his cheek. He closed his eyes softly against the feeling. The romantic soldier indeed, Hiei could not help but think, but the thought faded as quickly as it came. The fox lowered his voice, his words almost trailing away with the wind. "Then again I can't really complain. You never did hold the pretense of favoring me."
The half koorime's blindsided look was replaced with one of irritated impatience. Not knowing where the kitsune was headed, he crossed his arms defiantly.
"I don't know what you mean, Kurama. You may choose to explain, or I may leave if you prefer." His voice was harsh, the hope being coercion out of exacerbation, but the fox only looked up at him with eyes that were sad and understanding. Finally turning from the window, the plant wielder motioned for Hiei to sit beside him, but he only shook his head, even more thrown by the gentle treatment.
"You have to understand, Hiei," he began, taking his time in thinking through each sentence before it left his lips, "I need you to if we're going to continue this partnership." He ignored as red eyes widened, then narrowed threateningly, clearly hurt by an insinuation that was not entirely intended. "I don't expect you to change your opinion on the matter based on mine, though I do admit that the thought is disheartening. It's just that if you don't know what happens when I take that form you may find yourself miscalculating a move of mine, and that is far too dangerous now that this… development has occurred."
He'd had a feeling that the direction would eventually turn to this, though he didn't know what to expect. If the fox was taking his time to explain the ins and outs of his transformation, then he truly did have reason to worry. It occurred to him briefly to take the seat that he was offered, to maybe give the other a sense of ease, but he was too far from it himself to be the provider. Seeing his companion struggling for words, he knew he could at least push, even if he feared the answer.
"What are you getting at?" The kitsune smiled lightly, knowing that delicacy was not the other's forte. The interruption in his thoughts had been productive, and he found his words renewed.
"I think it's about time I explained myself," his hand covered his human heart for a fraction of a second and Hiei picked up on his meaning. "though to be fair i wasn't sure of the extent of it until today. Uraurashima did me a favor in that respect I suppose." He took a quick breath, then went into a flurry of speech. "I've always understood, at least, that this existence is different from what I'm familiar with. Humanity is not something that came naturally, as you know, but it was always there. When I was fatally injured my intention in taking the human child Shuichi as a host was just that- to replace him. Whether it was a mistake on my part or pure impossibility that this occurred, well, frankly I couldn't tell you, but the result is the same nonetheless. Our souls merged." He stopped, seeming to realize his burst of speech and giving his counterpart a moment to respond. Hiei only nodded, indicating that he knew all of this and to get on with it. Kurama did just that.
"What I was unclear about was the extent of our difference, of how much Shuichi had managed to survive against Youko. What I mean to say is, we are not the same." Hiei blinked, taking it in, but not understanding. Kurama watched as the gears turned in his head, but only let a few seconds pass before running his hand through his hair frustratedly and starting in another flurry. "Rather, we are the same, while not being. It's difficult to verbalize. I suppose, to simplify, I am him but he is not me."
At this, Hiei raised an eyebrow. Kurama's look was pleading again, and for a brief moment the fire demon pitied him for having to explain. Assuming the invitation still stood, Hiei took a seat on the edge of the bed, trying to convey without words that he would listen and, at the very least, try to understand. The reaction was immediate, though not what he had hoped. The pained ghost of a smile returned, and Kurama let his words flow more freely, seeming less tense about his attempt at expression, though not as much as the other would have hoped.
"The fact of the matter is, whether I like it or not I am mostly Shuichi. I just couldn't see it until now. My dulled senses, my fragility: they aren't just a byproduct of my human body. They are a byproduct of my humanity. There was just enough of the demon I used to be to blind me of this until I changed form. How could I not have an altered perception? All of my memories are intact, my healing capacity, my skills and ability to manipulate reiatsu. Time has also been a factor- you know well how my power has grown in the past years. With time, I'm becoming more and more of my old self, though I don't know to what extent…" he trailed off once more, faltering. It took everything Hiei had not to reach out to him, the impulse shocking enough for him to hold back.
"You're bothered by this," he stated, drawing the other's gaze back to him. "Why?" Kurama started to say something, but the fire demon recognized it as an attempt to dance around the question. After receiving a sharp look, the fox sighed, pressing on.
"Because in the ring I was not Shuichi. I was Youko Kurama."
The pieces began to fall together with that one phrase, and Hiei could see the anger and sheer resentment hiding behind a mask of green. Now that it had been said, the dam around his emotions cracked and the words began to flow without inhibition. The half koorime let it happen, patient and truly trying to see the fault in his change, knowing that it took a great deal of trust and effort for his partner to vocalize what was troubling him. His tone had changed, violent, with a sense that the very idea left a bad taste in his mouth.
"You can even hear it, the difference in our voices. It isn't just on the outside, it's in here too," he tapped a long finger against his skull for emphasis. "His voice in here is the same as that one, even though the thoughts are mine. For as long as I can remember, our voice has been one, but that's starting to change. Or perhaps I'm just starting to notice." There was a reprieve for a frustrated sigh. "The Fruit of Past Life served as a trigger for the transformation, but I suspect that as time passes I will not need it to facilitate my changes. I mean to say, my demon side will grow stronger, and that frightens me very much."
"That's what doesn't make sense," Hiei chimed in, finding a moment to try and shake some sense into the kitsune, but the other only shook his head. "Why would you be bothered by your old self? I thought you held no qualms over having lived as a demon." He hadn't meant for it to, but his words came out accusatory. In truth he was bothered by how unnerved the fox seemed by his growing power. It had always been a mystery as to why he had distanced himself from his demonic past, besides the obvious need for anonymity in the human world. It was why Hiei had been so reluctant to partner with him in the very beginning- his humanity clouded his ambition.
"Greatly, what I worry for is you."
The doubt that had been forming in his mind quickly died down. How Kurama could sideline him like no other was beyond his understanding, but once again he found himself on a completely different emotional plane than he had been moments before.
"Our partnership means a great deal to me," he looked away as he said this, and Hiei knew that it was because he meant it deeply. "I just doubt that it will mean the same thing to me when I am him. When I transformed today, I changed in more than appearance. I lost a part of myself, the part that makes me human."
At this, he met the fire demon's eyes, letting him see the depth of his thoughts. Hiei could not help but feel cornered, but somehow he didn't feel like running.
"I have no desire to betray you ever again. I had planned on spending the rest of our lives proving that, though I never expected them to be so explicitly threatened so soon. If anything changes because of this tournament, I do not want it to be my loyalties." The kitsune stood, breaking the stillness of the room to face the smaller one with a sad, stern expression.
"But I need you to know, Hiei, that when I am him I am just as likely to stab you in the back as I am to have it."
Without a moment's pause he slipped away, leaving a bewildered hi youkai in his midst.
…
This time around, it was Hiei who had not left the room for hours, though he was different in his way. Not one for thinking idly, he had tried to process what had been presented to him as best he could, but the more he thought the more he found himself reeling. It wasn't as if he was angry with the kitsune- he really couldn't be. Even so, between the orange sky and the lighting of the stars he found himself going over the conversation again and again, restless.
After an hour of pacing, two hours of random human exercise, a sparring match with an unprepared pillow, and some training with the Jagan, he found himself once again perched on the end of Kurama's bed. He had effectively worn himself down, both physically and mentally, left with nothing but self perpetuating silence. Knowing that he would have to return eventually, the youkai waited, trying to find calm within his own mind.
When Kurama did return, he seemed unsurprised to find Hiei in nearly the exact position that he had left him. He carried out his nightly activities wordlessly, taking care in re-wrapping his wounds before changing in the joint bathroom. He didn't look at the other when he approached the bed, nor did Hiei make any overt attempt at drawing his attention. As if he were alone in the room, the fox slipped under the covers, facing the wall.
A minute passed in which Hiei just watched him from his position on the bed. He was less than happy at being given the kitsune's back - Kurama did not usually turn away from him so intentionally, a sign that their earlier conversation had stayed with him as well. Closing his eyes, the fire demon slid his hand up the comforter, letting it rest flatly just inches away from the other. The fox showed no sign of noticing, but they both knew better. The words that followed were soft, but were heard nonetheless.
"What I said earlier I meant. It was you I chose to be my partner. It is you who will come out of this in the end. And it is you who will stand with me against the odds, all the rest be damned."
With nothing more to say, Hiei climbed into his own bed, willing sleep to come. When he woke, he found that the fox was facing him. Their eyes met from across the room, and Hiei knew all was well when he smiled.
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