*Hi, its Rocketshipper. This is a parody of true events in my life. Last year I was forced to leave all my friends and my old town behind and move to Colorado Springs, and enroll in a new school. Although the events in this story are exaggerated for comic effect, like it is with any good parody, the feelings expressed in this paper towards the move and the school are real, and sometimes it seems like all these things really happened to me. Any references to copywrited things are completely coincidental, I did not write this to earn money or to infringe, I wrote it to get a good grade, please don't sue me, lol. Now everybody enjoy!!!!!*
Satire Paper
I used to live in the desert. It was how you would expect a desert to be, hot, sandy, barren, almost lifeless, and did I mention hot? But yet it was my home and I loved it. One day, however, things changed for the worst. It was a normal day just like any other day in the last month of school. I got up that morning, took a shower, watched some TV, packed my bag, and headed downstairs to wait for the bus. I was as happy as can be, knowing there was only one more week of school left before summer break, but that happiness was quickly destroyed in an instant.
"By the way." my dad said casually "We are moving to a new town the day after the last day of school." I froze in utter shock as my dad went back to reading his paper like nothing had been said.
"What?" I asked, feeling the enthusiastic energy drain from my body. My mom looked up from her breakfast plate, smiled sweetly, and responded "We are moving honey, but don't worry about it, everybody moves to a new town before his or her sophomore year, its tradition, every parent does it. I moved then, your dad moved then, the doctor moved then, and so did the mailman, and the bank clerk, and the grocery store cash guy, and." My mom continued to name people but I wasn't listening.
"Just because all those people did it, that doesn't mean we have to do it," I protested.
"Yes it does," My parents said simultaneously before returning to what they were doing. I stormed out of the house in disgust and sat at the curb to await the school bus, my happiness over the last week of school dieing within me, squelched by my unfeeling parents.
"My life is ruined," I muttered to myself, casting a nasty look back at my house, before boarding the school bus that had just pulled up to the curb. The last week of school went by in a blur and before I knew it I was saying goodbye to all my friends, my school, my desert town and everything I loved, and moving with my weird family to an isolated town in the mountains. Although I missed my old friends and town, I was able to survive the summer in my new town and moderately enjoy the time, but little did I know what was in store for me as the school year began. My parents had enrolled me in an exclusive private school with a good reputation. On the outside it looked normal and it didn't appear too bad when I visited with my dad, but as soon as I began my first day of school I realized the truth. No one has believed my wild tale as of yet, not my friends, or my parent, I hope that maybe someone out there reading this account might be the first to believe my story. On the outside the school campus looked normal and was pretty small for a high school, but looks can be very deceiving. I would swear that this school existed in another dimension; for once you stepped onto the campus it suddenly seemed huge. Most of my classes were in the main building called the "trianon" but my assigned locker was in a totally different building. From the outside the two buildings weren't that far apart, but within the alternate dimensions of the campus itself the buildings could be any amount of distance apart at any given time. One day they could be two inches apart and the next twenty miles. Needless to say I decided to carry my backpack and not use my locker, since it seemed pointless anyway to have the majority of classes in one building and your locker in the other. Something's about the school were like any other but something's were very strange. One day I was looking at a video game Website in the computer room to kill time after finishing my class work when an alarm sounded. "Warning, warning, computer is not being used for school purposes. Will self destruct in 30 seconds" the flashing screen informed me. I immediately lept out of my chair and took cover. The computer teacher came over and gave me a detention slip for blowing up the computer and told me to do something more constructive with my time like pick a club to participate in. She handed me a list and I quickly looked it over. I had never seen such bizarre clubs in all my life. The snail club, the cartoon club, the greed club, the sleep club, the parody club, and the "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" club were only a few of the strange things I saw. In the end I was considering joining the Kevin Bacon club, since I am really good a movie trivia, until I saw warning at the bottom of the list. The warning said "any club members who fail to attend EVERY school and weekend meeting will be hunted down in the dead of night by a torch carrying mob, lynched, and kicked out of the club". I quickly changed my mind and decided to try something else, like after school PE, but this course of action wasn't much of an improvement. PE took place every day after school until 6:00 o'clock at night. We trained extremely hard, some days running lap after lap around the endless campus and some days lifting weights for hours. The PE final exam, to pass the course and get a credit, was a field trip over to Europe to swim across the English Channel and climb Mount Everest. I definitely didn't feel up to that even with all the rigorous training and soon quit the course. I needed all the time I could get anyway to complete the loads of homework given to us, especially the history homework. The history teacher was nice and funny and never gave us any essays to write which was kind of cool, but the homework he DID give was extremely taxing, much more so than any essay.
"Now class," he said one day at the end of class as he walked about the room handing back papers "I am paring you into groups for your homework tonight. Each group is to research the History, Military Power, Achievements, Defeats, Clothing, Entertainment, Food, and Mental health of the country that is assigned to them. You will first present your research to the class and to the rest of the school and then perform a full-length 90-minute stage musical with at least 6 songs describing one of the events that occurred in your countries history. This project will be due tomorrow. You are dismissed." Boy I sure am glad I quit that PE class.
Normally lunch is the one time in a school day that I look forward too since I can just sit alone and eat and read a book with out worrying about any outside distractions. Unfortunately I never actually had lunch at this school. On the first day of school I headed down to the cafeteria to get my lunch. The room was currently filled with kids from the lower school and the cafeteria attendant told me I had to wait till they all left. This was fine with me since I had a book to read and I was the first one in line. After a few minutes the little kids finished eating and quietly lined up and marched single file out of the lunchroom. I closed my book, returned it to my pocket, and headed towards the kitchen to get my food. Suddenly the back doors opened and an army of middle school kids streamed in and got in line for their food.
"I'm sorry; it's time for the middle school children to eat now. You will have to leave" said the cafeteria attendant before returning to the kitchen to begin serving everyone. It was like this everyday. Sometimes I tried to sneak in with the younger kids but I was always caught. The cook told me the high school kids time to eat was in between the time for the lower and middle school kids. I clocked the allotted high school lunchtime at about 11.7 seconds between the lower and middle school times. From then on I simply brought my lunch to school but I usually made the same thing every day and it eventually became very boring. Near the end of the year the big school event began. Everyone attended three weeklong seminar of their own choosing to study one topic in depth. It was a long three weeks for me, traveling from city to city with my group in a hot cramped van, sitting through lectures after lecture, and trying to find somewhere we could afford to eat, which was a very daunting task. The teachers gave us about two dollars for breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday, which severally limited our selection of food. They told us they were saving money for a big expensive dinner at the end of the trip, but most of us were likely to starve to death by then from only eating orders of French Fries at each restaurant. Every night we were supposed to write in a journal what we did that day and reflect on it. The teachers told us to do this for two hours every night and we were expected to right for the entire allotted time. Once I finished the journal before the two-hour time limit and started to play my game boy. Mere seconds after I had flipped the on switch one of the teachers opened the door. "You should still be writing" she said and took my game boy away. This happened to the other kids in my room too. If any of us turned on anything electronic or picked up a book or even talked, a teacher would instantly appear and put us back to work. We began to suspect that they had bugged the rooms or had some kind of "Fun Detector" that would go off if anything not related to education was performed. Even in the car or at dinner, the teachers cracked down on anything not related to the topic of the seminar. Sometimes we were allowed some free time, but it was usually after the two-hour journal time and by then the hotel pool was closed and we couldn't do anything anyway. In reality the seminar was actually about five weeks, three weeks spent traveling and the rest was spent at school doing research and working on the end of seminar project. Our project was to make a Website about our seminar and our first idea was to write profiles to tell the Internet public a little about ourselves, our interests, and our opinions about the seminar. But the teachers vetoed this idea, and decided on a new profile format that sacrificed our individuality. Each person was simply known as seminar student #1, #2, #3, and so on up to #18, and we could only write about our opinions of the seminar and nothing else. I put up a fight and protested the denial of our rights as individuals, but everyone else was complacent and didn't seem to care at all. In spite of the problems with the profiles, our group worked great as a team and was able to complete our website project in half the time that we were allotted to complete it, but the teachers insisted that we use all of the time we had been given. Since we had finished the project the teachers gave us lots of busy work to do, like pealing them grapes, fanning them, doing laundry, cleaning the school, and washing the vans. Finally the teachers grew tired of it and let us go. The seminar was the last straw and I went straight to my parents, but they didn't believe me. They told me that no school could be as weird and strange as I what I described to them and suggested I put my imagination to better use by becoming a fantasy writer. I decided to take their advice and I wrote this although it is most certainly not fantasy. I hope that whoever is reading this right now will finally believe me and find it in their heart to come and SAVE ME!!. You are my only hope.