Hello, friends! I hope you enjoy this first chapter of a story that is sitting around in my head. I do not own The Hungers Games, or any of the characters. Thank you Susanne Collins for creating such wonderful worlds and people that I cannot let go of!

A Lifetime of Spring Times

My world was coming to an end. Sitting in this white room, with my arms and legs tightly secured, I came in and out of sedation. Whenever my mind would be clear enough to remember, really remember, I would start to thrash and scream until someone would come in and put the needle back in me.

My sleep was full of nightmares, but I was fairly used to that. In the past, my nightmares were reliving certain parts of the Games; the parts that would haunt me as long as I lived. Lived. What a joke that was. When was I actually allowed to really live since I volunteered two, almost three, years ago? Everyone told me how to "live" after that. How to play up for the sponsors, how to be in love, how to dress, who to kill. In my mind, I saw it as a small price to pay to save my sister. Prim. Prim is who fills my nightmares now.

Sweet girl, untucked shirt, walking into a death trap. Her need to help, to heal everyone who was hurting, no matter what side of the line she was on, that is what got her killed. In the end, it wasn't the games, it was the new government who started to tell me how to "live". It could have been my best friend who orchestrated the end result. Her being there I don't think was in his plan, but I think the plan of killing children, of not caring the costs as long as the bottom line was achieved, well I know he would have been okay with that.

Gale. How long gone those days seem. They were so distant in my memory; the walks through the woods, the hunting, the companionship. I found out he loved me at one point, and maybe in another time, if situations were different, I would have been able to love him back. I can't answer that though, just as I have never been able to answer that question. When I think back, I know I loved him to a point, as a sister. Our families were almost blended as one, taking care of each other. I always became uncomfortable when the subject of a future with Gale was brought up, because I wasn't sure how I should react. This was of course after the games, when my future was already being predetermined by many things.

I had done many things over the last couple of years; some good, some bad, and some very bad. I have lied, hurt people, and became a figurehead for hope and rebellion. I am not sure how that last one took place, because of all things, I am not a hopeful person. I am just me, a broken girl with a broken spirit, a victor of one game and a survivor of another. My mind automatically thinks of the one person who also knows what it was like to live through those, who was also broken due to me and the Capitol. The boy who should have led the revolution, who should have taken my spot in the arena to be saved. A memory sticks in my head, something said to me from my mentor before we entered the arena for the Quarter Quell, "You could live a hundred lifetimes and not deserve that boy."

My heart surges when I think of him. He was the one the Capitol designed me to love, forcing me into a decision I wasn't prepared to make. He loved me, there was no doubt, but for me, during the first games, it was mostly survival. I think I started to develop feelings, someone in the recess of my soul, during those first games. It was hard to think about now, but thinking is the one thing I have all the time in the world to do. I remember the cave, where I thought he would die, and I risked my life to save his. I remember his taking care of me afterwards, my head wound more serious than I tried to play it off. I remember the berries, oh the berries that started it all. Some thought it was an act of love, some an act of rebellion, for me it was both, now that I really think about it. I knew I couldn't go back without him; we grew a bond in that cave, an unspoken promise that we entered together and would leave together. Even if leaving didn't mean the arena and meant leaving our lives, it didn't matter. I remember telling him that some of what happened there was an act. The hurt that was so clear in his ocean eyes, it felt like one of Clove's knives piercing my heart. I dreaded that moment in District 12, where I would have to let his hand go and knowing at that point we would go our separate ways.

We played for the cameras, but once they were gone, there was a coldness between us. I couldn't blame him, really, for feeling betrayed. Once the cameras were back, we came together again, but it wasn't the same. I didn't think it would ever be the same. The tour happened, we got engaged, again not for ourselves, but for the Capitol. We realized we were never getting off this tour, this train, and I once again saw the hurt that he was going through. It was one thing to be in love with someone, but another thing all together when your relationship is a farce. Was it a farce for me though? Wasn't I willing to die for him, to protect him at all costs? How was I continuously the one hurting him? My guard was too far up for me to understand what feelings I could have for him. When he started sleeping with me in my room, to help with the nightmares, I finally came to understand what peace I could have. I understood feeling safe in the arms of someone else. It was a soft, sweet, feeling, even if I didn't understand it at the time.

Then came the Quarter Quell. Worlds again turned upside down, thrust back into the spotlight as a Tribute once more. Haymitch and I together couldn't keep him out, but I was determined that he would be the one going home. He deserved happiness, a life full of spring times and love. Haymitch promised me he would focus on him this time, and I thought it was true by the way others were making sure he stayed alive. The moment he hit the force field and Finnick saved him. I lost my mind in that moment, finally letting down my guard and allowing the pain of losing him to come over me. It's amusing to remember Finnick telling me that was when he actually started to believe the story of the star-crossed lovers from District 12, in that moment when I was inconsolable. Finnick knew before I did that my feelings for Peeta went beyond an act. The Morphling who sacrificed herself to save him, and those gentle moments he had with her when he held her for her final slumber.

One moment I revisit in my mind when I need to calm down is the beach. That was really our last real moment together before we were split apart. We decided to not play the games and spend that moment being ourselves. He tried so hard to convince me that I was the one who had to go home, showing me the locket he had Effie make him. Pictures of my family, and Gale, a symbol of a future family that I could have if I could walk out as victor. He said no one needed him back home, and that he would have nothing. I understood, in that moment, that my feelings were not an act, and being that I knew I was going to die in the next 24 or 48 hours, I needed him to know that too. I remember telling him I needed him, and to prove it, I kissed him in a way that one can only do when the feelings are real. Real. It wasn't just one kiss, and as each kiss happened, my truth poured into him. I looked into his blue eyes, seeing his face searching mine, trying to determine if it was for the cameras. I saw the realization wash over them, finally understanding that I did need him, and I was starting to finally love him. The Capitol may have forced us together, but what they didn't expect was that no matter what, Peeta could never be a product of the Capitol. He played the games on his terms, and never let them change him into something he wasn't.

I remember waking up the next morning, a surge of sweetness washing over me and knowing it had to do with Peeta. With limited time left to live, I had decided that I wasn't going to keep him out any longer. I knew I had nothing to lose, and if Peeta deserved the lifetime of happiness, I deserved these next few hours.

After that things become blurry. I know in the end, I was rescued, he was captured. He was tortured while I filmed rebellion videos. His mind was taken from him until he didn't remember things as they actually happened and hated me above all others. He was rescued, but possibly only because my sanity could not hold on the longer he was kept there. Those blue eyes that once stared into mine with love now stared back with just the opposite. I knew I loved him, but I couldn't tell him and I couldn't show him. I wasn't allowed to see him after he attacked me, and after a while they were able to get him back enough to be released into the general public of 13, but he still did not trust me. I remember thinking that maybe this would be for the best, maybe he would be able to move on from me and find someone who was not as damaged. Selfishly, I hated myself as much as he hated me though. His pain, his confusion, all of it was my fault. I failed to protect him in that arena. If I hadn't gone, stayed with him, we could have gotten out together.

The final mission, the one where he came in, still unsure of himself and being used as a pawn in Coin's game is where the pieces really started to come back together. Real or not real? That was the game for him, to help him get back on track. You could see when he started to lose him mind, and it was work to get him back, but in the end, he started to be able to understand the truth about the hijacking. We lost loved ones on that mission. It was all still so painful to think about.

I know I made the right decision in shooting Coin. She and I had an odd relationship from the beginning, and I knew her plans were to use me and then throw me out. I was still the Girl on Fire, and you have to be able to contain fire. She really was no different than Snow. She sent Prim to her death, she wanted to orchestrate another Game for the Capitol children. Of course, I agreed in the room, because in that moment I knew what would have to be done. I wanted her to think that I was on her side, and I think the only one who knew what I was doing was Haymitch. We have always had a deep understanding of each other, knowing each other's unspoken thoughts and motivation. I aimed true, that shot that ended Coin's life. I don't quite know what happened afterwards, everything moved so quickly, and I have been in this room ever since.

I have seen only seen hospital people since I have been here. I long to see Peeta, or my mom. Mostly I long to see Peeta. He would be able to comfort me, take me out of my nightmares. I feel selfish, since I know I was the cause and the subject of so many of his. In this sterile room, strapped to a bed, being fed by tubes so I can't be freed, my guards finally come down. I realize how much I love him, how much I need him. I scream his name over and over until someone comes in and puts a needle in the familiar spot and I can go back into my nightmares. As I am fading out this time, with the doors opening and closing, I can sort of hear a commotion going on out of them. I hear something, someone, yelling. It sounds like he is yelling my name, but it is so hard to concentrate, the drugs taking hold of my mind. I slowly turn my head and I see blond hair, soft curls, being held by two people. I see his mouth moving, forming my name. The clarity comes to me then and I know who it is. It's Peeta, yelling for me, trying to get to me. He is being held back, but I don't know why. I start screaming his name and trying to break free, but I know this is only in my mind. The drugs make it so I can't move, I can't yell. I know he can see me, so I mouth his name and tears start to fall. I can't tell if he is angry, or if he still wants to kill me. Maybe that is why they are holding him back, but in the end, aren't they just going to kill me anyways? Another public execution, always for the crowds. At this moment, I would gladly die by his hands, if that was what he wanted. I am so tired of the fighting, the hurting, the needles, the deceptions. I watch him for as long as I can, the tears falling, my eyes slowly closing.

So this is the end of the first chapter, or chapter 0 really, for my story. Please let me know what you thought and if you would like me to continue! Reviews do help with getting motivated (it is very true) and I would like to know what you all think! My current idea is to do the first chapter through Katniss's POV and then the second through Peeta's, so we know what is going on in both of their minds (I have always wondered really just what he thinks about in many moments). Thank you for taking the time to read this, and again, please let me know what you think!