Hi guys. So, a friend of mine past away, and well...
This is a warning to the faint-hearted, as this might be a trigger for some.
There will be character death, blood, self harm and depression.
If ya still wanna read, then here we go...
Intro
It's never easy being different. Being a freak, and have to live in constant fear.
Society was never on our side because we were too "unique" to fit in.
You believe it's your fault, that it's you who's wrong and needs to be "fixed"
But it isn't. It's the world, the things that happens all around you,
around us, that's the real problem.
We're all broken, I learned that the hard way...
The name's Leonardo, and I'm what you would call, an outcast.
I used to feel bad about it, but not anymore.
I'm actually quite happy to be a turtle, and so are my brothers.
At least I think they are…
Now I'm not just slightly different, I'm kinda my own species,
a species we like to call mutants. More precisely mutant turtles.
I've been living in the sewers with my three brothers for fifteen years.
I've never seen the sun, never seen the city above us, the city Sensei often told us about.
He's dead now, got killed by our uncle, Oruko Saki, also going by the name 'Shredder'.
He came to our home a Friday night. We were ten years old back then.
We were watching cartoons when dad entered the lair after a late night run for supplies.
He gave each of us a cookie, a chocolate cookie, which melted on the tongue.
That was then a dark, evil voice called out his name. "Hamato Yoshi, you owe me."
Dad told us to be silent, like a ninja, then forced us into the kitchen.
We had to hide inside a kitchen cabinet. "Stay here boys, I'll be back, I promise."
He closed the cabinet door and left us.
"What do you want brother?"
"I want my revenge. A fight to the death."
"I do not wish to fight you."
"Well rat, that will make this so much, easier..."
"Don't do this… Don't make me kill you here…"
"What are you afraid of Yoshi, no one is gonna miss you."
We hadn't been in there for long before loud,
heart bleeding cries made us all flinch in shock.
The hatred in the stranger's voice, the sound of metal meeting flesh,
someone panting, gasping, a fall… Then... Noting...
We couldn't hear anything but our own breaths as we sat in there,
hugging each other tightly. We were scared out of our minds,
shocked beyond belief as we begged for dad to come and collect us...
He never came...
We had been sitting in there for many minutes,
hoping that Sensei was okay and that he would come back to collect us.
Half an hour went by, and Raph was getting impatient,
so we decided to go against his orders this one time.
We entered the main room quietly, looking around in fear.
A rotten smell filled the air as we moved closer to the couch.
That's where we saw Daddy bleeding out on the ground.
That was why he never came, I knew he wouldn't abandon us.
I was the first one to sit down beside him,
I remember grabbing his hand, then placing it on top of my head like he always did.
He couldn't be dead, he just couldn't. It was so sudden.
Then Donnie sat down too, checking for a pulse that wasn't there.
He shook his head in disbelieve, as tears came streaming down his face.
Raph was ready to punch this Shredder right in his ugly face,
"he might be our uncle, he might be family, but he killed our Sensei!
We gotta find him! We have to kill him! We have to…"
He finally sat down beside Donnie and me,
looking at the dead body in front of him,
before smashing his fists into Sensei's stomach like an angry child,
for then hiding his face in his soft fur.
Mikey never managed to sit down and grief with us.
He fainted, fell to the floor like a rag doll.
He had been standing on the same spot for a couple of minutes,
just looking at dad as his legs slowly gave in.
I picked him up, weak and pale as he was, and placed him on the couch.
There I knew, we would never be the same again.
Donnie had started licking the large slash on Sensei's belly,
claiming it would make him wake up if he stopped bleeding...
It's not easy being the oldest, you have certain responsibilities to fulfill,
like telling your brothers that you have to get rid of the body of your dead rat dad.
We moved him out of the Lair, leaving bloody footsteps behind us.
He should have had a funeral, but we had no idea how to make one.
Instead we ended up leaving him in a sewer pipe, candles surrounding him.
All of us kissed him goodbye before leaving our father behind.
None of us wanted to accept the fact that he was gone,
we loved him more than anything else in the whole wide sewer.
He was our teacher, our protector, he was everything to us,
the one feeding us, the one who stopped us when we fought each other,
the one telling us that everything was gonna be okay,
even when we didn't believe it ourselves.
He taught me to be strong, to believe in myself, and to be patient with my brothers.
I knew this day would come,
that we someday would have to survive without him,
but I had hoped for at least a couple more years.
But he was gone, and we were on our own from now on...
Responsibilities
I didn't get any sleep that night,
fearing that what happened to Sensei,would happen to us too.
Both Mikey and Donnie had been lying on my plastron, simply cuddling,
while Raph was lying further away, not wishing any physical contact.
He wanted to be left alone...
I spend the whole night feeling sick to my stomach,
as death kept its unbidden grip on my already broken mind,
overshadowing everything else.
I was so afraid Shredder would come back and take my brothers from me.
I had to protect them, I had to be their guardian,
I was the oldest, therefore it was my job.
All four of us shared a bed that night, somehow it made us feel a lot safer.
Besides, I wouldn't be able to watch over them if we split into different rooms...
Mikey had been having a migraine all night.
He told us it was nothing, that he was simply tired,
but the faint eyes and spaced out behavior told me he was lying.
He was over thinking again, and his brain couldn't stand the stress it left him in.
Donnie was acting weird too,
he kept checking our pulse or place a hand on our chests,
making sure we were still alive.
The grief he showed was unbearable.
Raph was heartbroken, but didn't wish to show it. That's why he isolated himself.
He had always believed that showing feelings was showing weakness,
and Raphael Hamato wasn't weak,
he was the strongest mutant turtle this world would ever meet.
At least he was on the outside, but on the inside he was as soft as a marshmallow.
I took one final look at them before getting up,
knowing I wouldn't get any sleep anyway,
might as well go and have some alone time.
I had just made it out of bed when Donnie grabbed my hand...
"W-what are you doing Donnie?"
"I just... Wanted to make sure you were solid. .."
Donnie looked up at me with red puffy eyes. I sat back down hugging him tightly.
"I'm real brother, it's okay. I promise nothings gonna happen to any of us."
He leaned his head on my shoulder weakly,
and finally let go of all the feelings he had been holding back all night.
"Hey, you wanna follow me to the kitchen?"
He kept on sobbing as I grabbed his hand.
I then pulled him out of the bedroom and into the brightly lighted hall.
Mikey was afraid of the dark, so we kept the lights turned on every night.
All I really wanted was to be left alone to meditate for a couple of hours,
but now I had a sad Donnie to deal with, and he was way more important.
"So, what do you want for breakfast? Cereal, toast?"
"I want dad to come back..."
He let go of my hand and sat himself on the floor, unwilling to go any further.
I tried pulling him back up, but he was too stubborn to collaborate.
"Dad is gone, you know that,now please, stand up."
"How can you take this so lightly? If dad can die then you can die too,
and I could die, Raph and Mikey could die... We're all gonna die someday..."
"You aren't gonna die today, or tomorrow, or anytime soon.
We have each other, remember? We can do this, even without...
Even without Sensei..."
I could feel the knot in my stomach getting bigger,
and my heart was pounding so fast that it felt like it was gonna pop out of my chest,
but crying and being supportive at the same time was pretty pathetic.
"You sure we aren't gonna die down here?"
"Yeah I'm sure."
I smiled as I stroke his shell, like Sensei used to.
Out of the bedroom door came a sleepy Mikey,
teddy bear in hand as he rubbed his tired eyes.
"Why did you leave me, it was really dark in there."
He complained as he leaned against the nearby wall.
I apologized and asked him how Raph was doing and whether he would join us or not.
"He isn't feeling good, he wanna sleep."
Was all my freckled brother told me as he helped me get Donnie back on his feet.
He was almost up when Mikey let go to grab his head instead.
He gave a grimace of pain as he yelled up about turning the lights off.
I grabbed his hands, trying to make him calm down,
but he pushed me away and ran to the bathroom.
I decided to give him some space, no reason making it worse.
Making breakfast was a nightmare.
I burned the toast and ruined the eggs like always.
Donnie didn't really mind apparently,
as he just sat there at the table, looking straight into the wall.
His brown eyes almost had a glimpse of red,
as he kept licking the spoon for no reason at all.
He was clearly going mad, and I would probably fall apart too,
if it wasn't for the sudden responsibilities.
I gave him a bowl of cereal, but instead of eating it he simply
dipped his fingers in the milk and licked it off.
"You okay? You seem a bit unfocused."
He didn't answer, he didn't even blink as he kept his gaze fixated on the dirty wall.
"Hey bro, stop eating with your fingers. Here, you still got a spoon."
I tried to force the spoon back into his hand.
That was when Mikey came back.
He took one look at the awkward scene and placed himself beside me.
"What are you doing?"
"Not much, just trying to force Donnie to eat like a normal mutant turtle."
"Oh, okay... You know, I'm not really hungry, I'll just go for a walk..."
"No, no walk, you have to stay in the Lair."
"It's not like I'm going that far anyway..."
"I mean it, you stay here. Go get Raph out of bed instead."
"Jeez Leo you aren't my dad! You're not in charge of me!"
"Dad is dead, and I'm the oldest, so yeah I kind of are in charge!
Could you please start acting like the ten year old that you are,
and stop acting like a four year old? I'm only trying to protect you!"
"Well maybe I don't need protection, ever thought of that?
I might be the youngest, but that doesn't mean I can't take care of myself!"
He ran off and into the sewers crying.
I was gonna run after him when Donnie fainted.
He fell of the chair and hit the edge of the kitchen island,
leaving a bleeding head wound.
I rushed to his side and lifted his head up.
"Don? Donnie? Can you hear me?"
I let go of Donnie and stood up, then looked around in panic.
That was when I heard loud swearing from the bathroom.
Raph was finally up, and as grumpy as always.
I headed out of the kitchen and opened the bathroom door,
only to find the mirror over the sink shattered into pieces.
My angry brother was sitting on the enclosed toilet, holding his bleeding hand tightly.
He looked at me with bloodshot eyes as he tried to remove the glass splinters from his hand.
"What the shell are you looking at! Go, leave me alone!"
He yelled as I moved forward.
"I'm not here to scold you, I just need a rag and I'm gone."
Raph looked worriedly at me before asking what I needed it for.
I told him what happened and it didn't take him long before he left to go get Mikey back.
"That little squirt's gonna kill himself someday.
Don't worry Leo, I'm sure he's fine...
And just so you know, I wasn't crying, I just... got a tiny splinters in my eye..."
He assured as he took off, leaving me alone to deal with our brother in purple.
Over half an hour went before Donnie woke up.
He was tired and confused, and eye contact was very limited.
It didn't take long before he spaced out again.
He just ignored me completely, and I didn't know what to do about it.
I tried shaking him carefully, causing his head to dangle back and forth like a pendulum.
He was lifeless, not reacting to anything I did or said.
Finally Raphael came back, carrying Michelangelo.
"I found him lying besides Splinter,
it was impossible to talk him into coming back and, well..."
He sat a beaten Mikey on the couch.
His lip was ripped, left eye swollen, and an ugly gash ran down his plastron.
"You beat him!?"
I yelled as I stood up and slapped him harder than intended.
He looked shocked at me as he showed me his left arm.
"I defended myself! Look, here's where he bit me,
and these lines you see here is where he tore my skin of!"
"Are you bleeding?" Donnie asked after a long time of silence.
"Yeah I am, no thanks to you!"
Raph said as he poked Mikey hard on the plastron.
"Don't touch me! I told you I didn't want to come back here!"
"So I was just, supposed to leave you there, lying with a dead man as if that's normal?"
"At least he listens to me!" Mikey yelled as he jumped at Raph,
who reacted by banging him into a wall.
My youngest brother let go and slowly slid down the wall,
not moving even slightly as he hit the ground.
"Mikey!"
He was unconscious.
"Raph, what the shell is wrong with you!"
"What's wrong with me? Nothing's wrong with me,I'm totally fine!
I just reacted! What's so wrong with that!"
He threw a punch at me which I easily dodged.
"That's it, time out!"
I pressed a finger onto a pressure point underneath his jaw, making him fall to the floor.
"Wake up little buddy, don't die, dying is bad, you know that, so please, wake up..."
I found Donnie panicky licking the slash on Mikey's plastron.
"Gotta clean the wound, clean wounds means no one dies. Dying is bad, really bad…"
He was having a panic attack, and I wasn't able to calm him down.
"I couldn't save dad Leo, too much blood... Too much..."
I ended up pressing a pressure point on him too.
And here I was, surrounded by my sleeping brothers.
Finally I got some time to think.
I sat on my knees and closed my eyes.
I wasn't calm enough to meditate, so I simply sat there.
I could feel my eyes sting and my chest felt heavy.
I could still hear dads voice inside my head.
The speech he gave me some days ago...
"You know my son, I won't be with you forever, someday I'll have to leave,
and when my time comes, you will have to take my place.
You are young, and have so much more to learn, but I fear my time is limited.
When my time comes, don't be like those whose hearts are filled with fear of death,
so that when my time comes you'll weep and pray for a little more time.
Be strong for your family, and take good care of them,
even when everything seems impossible.
The darkness in your heart might seem fearsome,
but with every shadow there's light. Remember that my son..."
I found myself smiling, as a tear ran down my face and a crazy giggle escaped my mouth.
Why was it me who had to be the strong turtle, why did it have to be me who was in charge?
I could end it right now, and take my brothers with me.
We would meet up with dad on the other side,
and he would welcome us with open arms.
Everything would be so much better.
It was so easy to just end it...
But for what price? I promised dad to take care of them,
to protect them and guide them out of the darkness, not into it...
But darkness and fear was all I felt,
like an inner spirit pulling me into loneliness and anxiety.
I was worthless, I wasn't Sensei, I was merely a student,
a student who wanted to give up on learning.
I dried my eyes and stood up on shaking legs.
I had to tape myself together and get them back to bed.
They weren't ready to deal with these feelings...
I carried them into the dark room one by one.
Donnie was the first one, then Mikey, and lastly Raph.
I took a minute to look at them.
They seemed so small lying there all curled up.
It looked comfortable, and I couldn't help but climb into bed myself.
My eyes felt so heavy, I just needed a bit of rest...
Where were I? It was so dark, so cold, so lonely.
Suddenly I saw a bright light,
a well known figure standing in front of it.
"Leonardo, my dear son, how are you holding up?"
"Not good Sensei, I'm not ready to take such a heavy responsibility on my shell.
I'm not leader material, I can't take care of them, I can barely take care of myself."
I felt my body shaking and eyes wettening.
"Don't cry my son, it's alright…"
"I'm just lost, I don't know which way to go from here.
The right way might turn out to be the wrong way…"
"Ah, life can be tricky, and things will not always turn out the way you wanted it to.
Taking a wrong turn in life only makes you wiser, and in the end,
you'll come out even stronger.
Do what you believe is the best way to do it,
it might not seem like a good idea in the present,
but being a leader means doing what you think is right, then living with the consequences.
I believe in you Leonardo, now it's time for you to believe in yourself.
I love you my son…"
The light started to fade, dad was fading away from me.
"Please, don't leave, I need you…"
I woke up with a sudden,
sweat dripping down from my forehead as my eyes adjusted to the darkness.
No one was lying beside me. What time was it?
Was it day? Maybe night? I had no idea really.
I had somehow managed to kick the blanket off the bed,
and the pillows were lying at my feet.
I could feel my heart pounding in my head,
and even the smallest sounds made me flinch.
Where were they? When did they wake up? Why didn't they wake me?
As long as they didn't try and make breakfast, or Dinner,
or Lunch for that matter, I wasn't ready to deal with a burned down kitchen.
"And you promise it won't hurt?"
"Shh, you're gonna wake him up!"
"But, you said it would make me feel better,
why can't I tell him, maybe he wanna fell better too?"
"He's fine Mikey, Leo's never not fine, right Donnie?"
I didn't hear an answer.
Did they go behind my back? But why?
I left bed quietly, not wishing to be either seen nor heard, as I walked into the hall.
where were they? Where were my brothers? In the kitchen maybe?
"Okay I'm ready, do it Donnie."
Ready? Ready for what! I found myself peeking inside,
not wishing to disturb their conversation.
Donnie was holding a knife, why was he holding a knife that close to Mikey?
Was he gonna hurt him?
"Sit still, it's over soon..."
I heard my brother give a faint whimper as the knife sliced him.
"No, stop!" I yelled as I entered panicked.
They looked at me with wide eyes, probably shocked by my loud entrance.
"Don't hurt him, I-"
I stopped mid sentence as I looked at Donnie's wrist.
He had red cuts up his left arm, clearly fresh, Raph had too.
"Donnie, is it supposed to bleed like this?"
I looked back at Mikey who was holding his wrist, blood streaming out.
"No it isn't..." He simply stated, not moving the slightest.
I was the only one reacting, as I hurried to find tissues to stop the bleeding.
"What were you guys thinking! This is dangerous!"
"Oh look, mama Leo is back."
"Raph, this is serious, Mikey's hurt!"
I found myself getting louder for every word.
"Well that aren't the first time, get over it!"
"How can I? You cut his wrist!"
"Well this wouldn't have happened if you didn't scare Donnie like that!"
What? Was is my fault? Was I the one hurting him?
I looked back at Donnie. He was still holding the bloody knife.
"No, I tried to stop you, I-I tried to-"
"Cut It Leo, it was your fault! You're not as perfect as you think you are..."
My youngest brother looked at me with tear filled eyes.
"Leo, did you wish to hurt me?"
"What, no! I would never hurt you!"
I promised as he broke out of my grip.
"Come here Mikey, I'll help you."
Raph offered. He gave me one final glare before turning his back to me.
I didn't do it, it wasn't me.
"Raph, stop it! Stop blaming me like this!"
"What's wrong, little Leo can't take criticism? Are your ego too big to take the blame?"
Was it really me? Was this really my fault? Did I really hurt him?
"I didn't do it."
I whispered repeatedly as I looked down.
They were staring at me, one out of distrust, the other in anger,
and the third, just simply stared, no feeling behind his eyes as he licked the knife.
I felt like crying, they accused me for a crime I didn't commit.
No, I wasn't gonna accept that.
"Raphael, you crossed the line, I didn't do anything but trying to stop you all from
committing a huge mistake. I thought you were gonna cut his throat,
that's why I panicked!"
I explained as calmly as possible, trying to push the pain away.
"You seriously thought we would cut his throat? Where did the trust go?"
"Would you really do that?"
"Of course not Mikey. Leo, I think it's best if you leave. You're scaring Mikey."
"Oh so I'm scaring him? How did you even get him into this?"
"Donnie said it would make the pain go away..."
"Well Donnie is wrong Mikey, hurting yourself isn't gonna make things better."
"Leo, I told yah to leave!"
"I'm not leaving Raph. You're grieving, I know how you're feeling,
I'm grieving too, but you can't punish yourself like this."
"You know nothing about me!" Raphael stood up, hands clenched,
fire in his eyes as he moved closer to me.
He swung a fist at my head, which I easily ducked.
"You think you know everything, but really you know nothing!"
He yelled as he caught me in a corner.
"You have no idea about anything! You're not Sensei, you can't control us!
You might have been his favorite, but that doesn't make you any better than the rest of us!"
He was about to knock me out when Donnie caught his arm mid air and twisted it.
"Donnie? The shell are you doing! I was just gonna knock some sense into him!"
"No Raph, he doesn't deserve it, it was an accident."
Donnie told him coldly as he kept twisting his arm painfully, sending him to the floor.
"Donnie stop, you're hurting him!"
Mikey yelled as he pointed the knife at his throat.
When did things go so wrong? What did I do wrong? What would Splinter do?
"Stop! All of you! We're family, family sticks together, they don't fight like this.
What happened to dad was unfair and unforgiving,
but that doesn't change the fact that we're in this together."
Mikey lowered the knife and looked down.
"He's right, we only have each other..."
Donnie then let go of Raphs' arm and sat himself on the floor,
knees hugged close to his chest.
"Sure, you think you're all wise, trying to make us feel guilty, real clever."
"I'm not trying anything, just…
Get something to eat, training will start in half an hour."
"No way I'm gonna take orders from you..."
"Raph, eat, now."
I didn't eat much more than a piece of toast that morning,
stomach already filled up with fear and worry.
Raph looked up from his bowl of cereal
to deliver angry glares every other minute.
There was an unpleasant silence between us,
one of those that could kill.
I felt restless, body trembling like a nervous puppy.
"... I'll just, head for the dojo to meditate a bit..."
I got off the chair and cleaned of my plate.
"Can I come with you?" Mikey asked, ready to follow.
"No Mikey, I wanna be alone for a minute."
"But, weren't we supposed to train?"
"There's still some time left.
I just need a moment to clear my thoughts, okay?"
"Okay..."
Mikey hung his head at my statement,
and continued to play with his food.
"Try eating something, it'll give you strength."
"But I'm not hungry..."
"Don't make me force feed yah..."
Finally he took a bite of the burned toast, frowning at the awful after taste.
I send him a weak smile as I reluctantly left them alone in the kitchen.
But I needed some space, some time to recollect myself.
I entered the empty dojo, smiling as I sat myself beneath the large three.
Finally, some peace and quiet, and no one yelling at me.
I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing,
trying to push the thoughts away.
I needed a plan, some advises in being a grown up.
How did adults even work? What made you a real grown up?
How could I ever be a grown up when we're at the same age?
They would never see me as the leader,
they would never respect me, especially not Raph.
But then what? Am I just supposed to let them do whatever they want?
Was I supposed to be the party pooper from now on?
I went out of focus again, I had to mute my thoughts.
I breathed in deeply, trying to relax, but I was too tense.
I could hear someone entering from behind.
He dragged his feet quietly across the floor,
before sitting down beside me.
I opened one eye to see which brother decided to accompany me,
and felt surprised as it landed on Donatello.
He didn't say anything as he looked at the floor,
hands clenched tightly in front of him.
He had something on his mind, that was easy to tell.
I looked at him worried as he stayed silent,
mind clearly still in overdrive as he tried to find some hidden meaning in all of this.
I didn't mind the silence, it was the reason I entered the dojo, but I entered alone.
Now that my brother was there, responsibility followed...
"Something on your mind Donnie?"
"Just thinking..." He kept his gaze on the floor.
"Thinking about what?"
"About many things, unchangeable, scary things..."
My brother was shivering, how didn't I see that earlier?
He suddenly turned around to face me.
"You're the leader Leo, what are we gonna do?"
I didn't have an answer ready, at least not a good one.
What was I supposed to say?
I could feel my head spinning like a merry go round,
those ones shown on the television.
Donnie really liked those, and Mikey too,
and I gotta admit it looks fun,
but those are for normal kids, not for mutants like us...
I felt arms wrapping around me, like a tight hug.
"I'm sorry for what happened in the kitchen, it wasn't your fault, but mine.
I know knifes are dangerous, I should have been more careful..."
I felt warm tears dripping down his cheeks and onto my shoulder.
He felt guilty, but for what, it wasn't his fault.
I grabbed his arms and looked into his red eyes.
"Stop blaming yourself Donnie, it wasn't your fault,
I shouldn't have startled you."
"But I was the one who-"
"You were the one holding the blade, I know,
but I'll repeat, you didn't do it on purpose.
If I hadn't been awake, then it wouldn't have happened.
But I did wake up, and when I saw the blade,
it just clicked, I reacted without thinking, and I'm sorry..."
"It's okay."
A new voice came into play, and the owner of
the voice was no one but Mikey himself.
He entered slowly, holding his wounded arm like it was gonna fall off.
"Does it still hurt..."
Donnie asked, voice trembling.
"Yeah, it does... But I'm still gonna win!"
Mikey teased with a smile, not the biggest,
but it was enough to make us both smile back as he sat down.
"So Leo, you ready for a beat down?"
I turned around to see Raphael walk in,
hands clenched and brows furrowed.
"I don't wanna fight you, not when you're like this..."
"Well I wanna fight you, so called leader,
or are you too much of a chicken to do it?"
He had that killing look in his eyes,
the one that wouldn't go away before he got to punch something or someone.
I had to fight him, or someone else would get injured.
"Then let's get it over with..."
I stood up, and placed myself in the middle of the dojo.
It would be a simple match, no weapons included.
My mind was racing faster than my brothers punches,
which I just about dodged.
My vision seemed clouded,
forcing me to concentrate more.
"Come on Leo, fight me!"
He pushed me hard and for a minute I almost lost my balance.
Why did I feel so weak all of a sudden?
My hands were shaking,
as adrenaline rushed through my veins.
I managed to give a good amount of punches,
but I wasn't fast enough.
In reward I earned a punch to my jaw,
sending a wave of pain straight to my head.
Then my vision blurred entirely,
replaced by darkness.
I backed off and started rubbing my temples gently,
trying to make some of the tension go away, but it was no use.
I was blinded in despair.
I could feel my heart in my throat as panic arose.
Raph, clearly blinded by rage, didn't seem to notice my confusion,
as he swung one punch after the other.
Finally I fell to the floor, body aching all over.
"Hah, see, you're nothing compared to me!"
"Raph stop, something's wrong!"
"The shell there is! He let me win you little-!"
"No, he didn't fight back!"
"Well, he did seem a bit unfocused but..."
"Hey Leo, can you hear me?"
I could hear my brothers voices surround me,
but confusion made the sounds blend together.
I wanted to speak up, but the words was stuck in my throat.
"He isn't answering, and he's staring!"
"Donnie, don't panic, he'll be fine, he's just a little shaken."
"H-he's dying! You killed him!"
"What?! Take it back!"
"You killed our brother!"
The sound of yelling and crying filled my ears as I lay numb on the dojo floor.
I heard something, or someone fall, leaving a loud crash,
then running footsteps that slowly faded out.
"Leo, wake up! They're gonna kill each other!"
I heard Mikey's panicked voice as he shook me violently,
But my body was still unmovable.
What happened?
It's like my mind just shut down.
I felt my younger brother pulling me somewhere,
but he was struggling.
"Stop fighting! I need help!"
"Let go of me! You're crazy!"
"What are we gonna do without him?!"
"Donnie stop! He's bleeding!"
I had to get my body under control, I had to stop the fight,
I had to be the grown up, but my mind wouldn't let me.
It felt like someone was sitting on top of me,
holding me down no matter how hard I fought.
I was a prisoner in my own body.
I could hear Mikey crying as he tried to lift me onto something...
"Please, I'm not strong enough! Help me!"
"Aw! Stop! It hurts!"
"Good!"
"How's that good!"
"Because you're a murderer!"
"Wait what are you doing? But that down!"
"Donnie! Don't!"
My youngest brother suddenly let go of me.
What was he holding? Something sharp?
No, I had to focus, panicking clearly didn't help.
I had to clear my head completely,
which meant ignoring my brothers pained yelling.
But I couldn't do that, they were too loud,
and my mind were screaming.
I had to ignore my feelings,
set them on standby for a minute...
Slowly the yelling muted,
and I started getting focused on my breathing.
I had to slow it down a notch.
Before I knew it I found myself in a meditative state,
and a feeling of total peace spread through my body.
Could I stay like this? It was like every worry just disappeared,
no responsibilities, no angst, nothing but silence and darkness.
My family, they still needed me, they needed me awake,
I had to wake up and see what happened right in front of me.
Slowly I opened my eyes to see a blinding light.
I was in the living room.
I moved my head to the other side to see Donnie on top of Raph.
He was holding a kunai, ready to stab him, but Mikey held onto his arm.
I sat up, still feeling slightly dazzled, then crawled closer.
"Donnie, I'm okay, see? You can stop now, he's had enough already."
I spook quietly, not wishing to scare him further.
"L-Leo? You're okay? You're not dead"
"Yes I'm fine, now let go of the weapon."
He looked at me, eyes filled with tears as I moved even closer.
"Come on, lay it down brother."
I was now close enough to touch him by now.
"This isn't you, here, let me help you..."
I grabbed his hand and carefully loosened his grip to take the kunai,
then laid it on the ground.
Mikey let go of his hand with a sigh of relief.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" Donnie cried as he hugged me tightly.
"It's okay..."
I could feel Mikey hugging me from behind.
"I couldn't stop them Leo, I tried, but I couldn't..."
"It's okay Mikey, you were a great help."
The hug got interrupted by Raph groaning loudly.
He was having a severe nose bleed and a possible dislocated arm.
"Donnie, I know you and Raph aren't that fond of each other right now,
but he needs your help."
"Y-yeah, okay."
He wiped his eyes and slowly stopped crying.
"Mikey, can you find the first aid kit? It's in Sensei's room..."
My youngest brother looked at me hesitant.
"Don't worry Mikey I'll get it."
I stood up on tired legs, looking in the direction of the hall.
'No need to worry, I just have to get in, grab the kit, then get out.'
I took a step, then another, then a third.
Nothing would hurt me if I didn't feel anything.
No feelings, feelings were overrated.
I opened the door to fathers bedroom and looked around.
It looked exactly like it used to, it even smelled the same.
I sat down on my knees beside the bed, and looked underneath it.
I had to crawl under to get to it.
I held my breath, counted to three, then peeked my head inside.
It was dusty, and even though I held my breath, it still tickled in my nose.
I tried to move further in, but my shell was in the way.
I stretched my arm in attempt to grab the red kit, but I wasn't long enough.
Finally my nose gave in, and I started to sneeze repeatedly.
Stupid dust, stupid short arms, stupid, everything is stupid...
I looked around the room, trying to find something long,
when I got my eyes on Sensei's walking stick.
That had to work.
I wiped my nose and grabbed the wooden stick nonchalantly.
It was just a stick, and I needed it for a bigger purpose.
I bend down beside the bed for a second time,
held onto the stick with both hands,
and used it to push the first aid kit closer.
I laid the stick down as soon as it was in reach,
then headed out of the room, not caring to look back.
It was just a room, nothing else…
We got Raph fixed up,
so now he's running around with his arm in a sling and paper stuffed into his nose.
Donnie told me how he pushed him into the shelf in the dojo,
which explains the loud crash I heard.
The framed photo of Sensei and his dead wife and daughter got
shattered in the process, leaving glass splinters all over the dojo floor.
Mikey thought it was some kinda sign, but I knew better.
It was just a picture, and the splinters only pointy glass.
What I learned from dads death was that showing emotions would get me nowhere,
that concealing them would make everything easier.
They're still there though, hidden away till the day I'm ready to face them.
Sometimes I might seem cold and fearless, like I fear no one and nothing,
but that's a lie, a lie I created to protect myself from the truth...
I fear many things: humans, the world above, heights,
but most of all, I'm afraid to lose.
I'm afraid to lose hope, lose control, to fail as a guardian...
Afraid to lose my brothers...
My childhood got taken away from me in a young age,
and I'll never get it back...
They need me, they need protection,
they deserve to be kids some more years,
and if that means that I have to be a grown up,
then I'll take the title with pride.
I'm Leonardo, I'm the big brother and leader,
I'm the one who's gonna lead my family out of darkness...
But who's gonna lead me?...