I Do Not Own Any Characters because they are property of Sega and Archie Comics. Thank you for tuning it to this story, enjoy.
A Parodical Rewrite of SU #15:
Sally, Monkey Khan, Tails, and Sonic pushed through the thick bamboo forests, only to be greeted by trouble. The Bitch Brigade (a.k.a.) Destructix, stood in their way. Proudly smirking at our heroes. "OMG! It's the Desructix!" Sonic shrieked. Fiona snickered before mocking Sonic's tone and replying, "OMG! It's the Freedom Fighters! Help us!"
The whole group raised eyebrows. "Why?" Sally asked. "We need to get back Lightning-Frightning-Nightning." Flying stated.
"And if we refuse?" Sonic asked. "We'll kill you." Flying laughed. Monkey Khan smiled at this and shouted, "Yes! Now Lightning can forgive me and we can be buddies again!" He was so full of glee, and everybody else was so full of "What the Hell?"
"Uh? What?" Predator Hawk asked, confused at the moment. If he had eyebrows, one would be up, the other would be down. "Me and Lightning and Conquering Storm used to sing in a pop group called MountainPop!" Monkey stated. "Whaaat?" Tails asked. "I didn't know Lightning sang." Predator said, looking at his teammates. Flying and Simian shrugged, and Fiona just replied, "Me neither." "Why does the name sound like something Bunnie would name her band if she had one?" Sally asked. "Because," Monkey Khan replied, leaning on Sally's shoulder and dragging her down, wearing his sunglasses from hammer space. "You come from a country where farmers do not get respect, and they play Bluegrass. We just named our band MountainPop because the three of us were born on Stormtop Mountain." Monkey explained. "How do you know so much about America?" Fiona asked.
"Easy-" Monkey started. "Everybody shut up!" Simian shouted, clutching his ears and crouching down on the ground.
"Does he need a padded room?" Tails asked. The Destructix glared at the young fox. Fiona walked over and slapped him. Just slapped him to the ground. "Ah hell nah." Sally said, waltzing over to give Fiona the stomach ache of a lifetime.
The group looked at Sally with wide eyes before Silver the Hedgehog popped out of the bamboo randomly to shout, "Iblis Trigger!" Everybody looked at the young hedgehog, except for Sonic, who threw his shoe at Silver, hitting him in the head, and knocking him out of the sky, going, "Go bother somebody elses comic arc!"
"Oh Silver." Predator sighed, slapping his forehead. "This isn't your comic arc Sonic!" Monkey Khan yelled. Before Sonic could reply, Simian yelled out, "And I don't care!" Everybody stared at the gorilla, who snorted at them, saying, "We only waste more paragraphs talking about Silver, who should seriously get back to the Silver Saga arc, talking about Monkey Khan and Lightning's band, and breaking the fourth wall. Now let's go. And tacticians, up front, discussing the assault on the Raiju Ninja Fart." Many blinks were cast at Simian before he realized his mistake and corected it, wearing nerd glasses that just appeared on his face from out of nowhere, saying, "I mean fort. Sorry."
Meanwhile in the bushes...Three idiot detectives layed waiting for their information, alongside a tied up guardian echidna they would use for a hostage situation, watching the Destructix. "Uh boss, why are we waiting on them to leave?" Espio asked. Vector, holding binoculars, even though that the Destructix was standing earshot away, replied, "Because they have information on Raiju Ninja farts." The Chaotix, and Knuckles, stared at Vector in amazement. Vector, all wide-eyed, blinked, "Well I couldn't of heard that right." "Ya think?" Espio yelled. Vector glared down the chameleon, only stopping to listen to Charmy pipe, "Flying Frog is coming." "Well hit him with a rock. He's useless without his telekinesis." Vector brushed off hastily. "Uh, Vector, I don't think Flying-" "Shut up Charmy!" Vector snapped.
Flying Frog hopped over to the bushes. He could've swore he heard Chaotix scum spying on him. He hopped over and took his sword, slicing away the shrubbery, unveiling the whole team, including Knuckles, looking wide eyed, covered in dirt for some reason, and their clothes a choppy mess, because I felt like putting them this way, even though they were clean earlier. "Aha," the crazy frog shouted. "I knew you weren't a delusion of mine!" Flying looked behind him to see if anyone was coming, and smiled to see Predator Hawk approaching. He grinned slyly at the Chaotix team, who were now clean, but still frozen in their crouched positions, looked on as the blue hawk approached. But instead of Predator Hawk being angry, he didn't notice them at all. Instead, they heard him sigh, grab Flying Frog's scarf, choking him, and going, "Come along Farris, we have no time for your crazy delusions today." "But I'm not making this up!" Flying blurted, using almost the last of his breath to do so before he passed out. "His name is Farris?" Espio asked. Vector and Charmy shrugged.
After a few hours of trekking, and giving Sonic all the means necassary to ruin Lightning's one chance of happiness, the Destructix, Freedom Fighters, and Monkey Khan had finally arrived at the gates of the fort. "What do we do now?" Predator asked. "I don't know, you're the master tactician, so you tell me." Sally snarked. Sonic, Tails, Monkey Khan, and Simian sighed. Those two had been up to this, all day, even declaring a Tacticioner War on each other. Flying Frog couldn't say anything due to him being passed out and Predator Hawk's firm grip on his scarf. When Predator Hawk and Sally had begun to argue with each other, Simian had one more tactic hidden up his sleeve. Screaming.
He screamed his loudest, drill sergeant scream, scaring everyone and causing the drawbridge to just randomly explode, unveiling a whole bunch of ninjas, slacking off, smoking, and taking naps. His group stopped and stared, minus Flying Frog, who was still passed out, looking at the gorilla as if he was crazed. Now Simian realized that this was their chance, they could sneak in and reach the throne room, undetected, but no, something had to go wrong.
Monkey Khan threw down his staff and ran in there, screaming, "Lightning!" The ninjas broke out of their bored trance, and instead of chasing after Monkey Khan, they watched him run towards the throne room like an idiot before turning their attention to Sonic and Simian's group.
One of the ninjas shouted "Attack" in Japanese, and the fight was on as a bunch of cats came running out of there like a bat out of hell, screaming Japanese phrases, and continuously missing their intended targets. Simian snorted at this because he was the tallest one of them all, and here is a bunch of ninjas soaring over his head, missing him left and right, and ninjas should be spot on and professional. Where was the professionalism people? "Aim ninja," Sally screamed. "Gosh!" "Uh Sally," Sonic said, interrupting Sally's princess fit. "I don't think it's a good idea to help the enemy." "I'm not, I'm helping the team by helping the enemy." Sally replied all matter of factly, hands on her hips. "Uh, how?" Sonic asked, ignoring Tails's cries of help as he was dogpiled by Raiju ninjas.
"Help!" Tails screamed. "Shut it Tails! There are people in worse, hey, watch my tail!" Predator Hawk shouted as a ninja shot an arrow in his tailfeathers. "Because, we can alert the enemy that they need to make this attack, so that way we can counter said attack." Sally smiled, before she was kicked in the face. Sally, on the ground, sat up and said, "Ah hell nah." Then she punched the Raiju ninja who kicked her down like a box of rocks in the stomach.
Predator cursed as he looked at the blue frog, kicked him, and shouted, "Why do you weigh so damn much?" Flying didn't respond, making Predator cringe with anger and slam the frog down, giving Flying back all the air he had lost. He layed there for a few moments gasping, before jumping up and shouting, "Play time!" The team could relax now as Flying Frog mowed through the sea of ninjas.
When Flying Frog had basically slaughtered all of the ninjas, and they had all arrived at the throne room, the now crimson frog punched Predator in the face, making him grunt and fall to the floor. "What the hell?" Simian gasped, unveiling everybody's thoughts on the matter. "You'll never choke Farris Hawayna ever again." "Your name is Farris?" Tails asked. Flying only replied with a punch in the face. Sally responded to this with a, "Ah hell nah" and a blow to Flying Frog's stomach.
The ninjas, Lightning, Conquering Storm, and Monkey Khan, wide-eyed, blinked at the savage group. "Do you know them?" Conquering asked. "No. Not at all." Lightning replied, shaking his ego filled head. Monkey Khan ran up to hug his lynx friends going, "I missed you guys so much. Please stop being asses and become good guys again." Lightning and Conquering Storm looked at each other, ready to answer their childhood friend warmly, but not before Speedy the Bird crashed in there, screaming, "Hand over the Cube of Babylon Jet!" Predator sneered and waved, "Wrong arc." Speedy looked at Predator with a growl, and replied, "Damn, I thought he liked ninjas." "No," Predator sighed. "He likes tacos and racing Sonic." "Oh really, I never thought about-" "Get out!" Conquering Storm shouted, interupting Speedy midsentence. "Oh ok," Speedy sighed, but not before getting good look at Conquering Storm and saying, "Damn girl, purple makes you look fly." Conquering sneered and replied, "Damn boy, get out of my arc!"
Speedy opened his mouth once more, causing Simian to grow red eyes, grab Speedy, and throw him out the door like a football. "Stay out!" Simian shouted. "Thank you." Conquering said. Sonic rolled his eyes and yawned, "Can we just get on with the ass kicking. I'm starving, and I need to get done with humiliating Lightning in front of everyone and saying something dramatic before I can even sit down." Everybody looked at each other and nodded in agreement. "Remember all the weaknesses that we told you Sonic." Simian stated, loud enough for the whole damn world to hear. In fact, so loud, he might as well of just screamed it. Lightning gave the group a contemptuous look before nodding at Conquering Storm. Monkey Khan unlatched his arms from Lightning, and both he and Sonic got in their fighting stances.
Everybody crowded around, even the cast from the Treasure Team Tango arc, before Monkey Khan and Flying Frog shoed them away with a broom and dustpan. Lightning growled at Sonic, and Sonic just smirked and said, "Ahrawr." "You'll pay for that!" Lightning shouted. He lunged, but not before being froze in place as Espio ran through the door, screaming, "Wait! "Dammit! What now?" Conquering Storm roared. Sonic sighed and groaned. "You bastard!" Lightning shouted.
Espio didn't reply to the question. Instead, he just pulled out his smartphone as started taking pictures. "Oh wow!" Espio shouted. "A whole bunch of lynxes gathered together, I'll never get to see this moment again. They're so elusive." Vector, coming up behind him, smacked the smartphone out of his hand, shattering it as it hit the floor, and said, "Dammit Espio, this is a dramatic fight scene, not a zoo. You can take your pictures elsewhere." Espio didn't hear him, he was too busy lamenting over his broken phone.
"My phone!" Espio wailed. He gathered the shattered remains of his phone and held it close to his heart. "I will bury you." Espio whispered to the inanimate electronic. Everybody stared, glared, and blinked at Espio before they turned their attention back to Lightning and Sonic. "Can we continue Sonic?" Lightning bowed. Sonic blinked at Lightning and started laughing. Blinking himself, Lightning asked, "Laughing? Why are you laughing?" Sonic ignored him before he gave the final blow.
"I know what!" Sonic shouted. "What?" Everybody asked. "Let's all gang up on Lightning and beat him up." And so they did, and happily beat the crap out of the lynx, ensuring that he went to the hospital.
At the hospital, everybody stood around, glorious smiles plastered across their faces. They quickly hid their happiness when Lightning opened his eyes. Conquering Storm leaned over the bed and looked at him saying his name over and over again. Monkey Khan just kissed his eyes, earning him a hard look from everybody else. Lightning just flattened his ears and blinked. "What happened?" Lightning asked, trying to ignore the ringing in his ears and the itch from his body cast. "Everybody beat you up so that way they could humiliate you!" Tails cheered. "Ah hell nah," Sally said, pushing Tails down by his face before explaining everything properly to the injured lynx. "We all beat you up to get the arc moving. If we didn't, we would still be in the Raiju Ninja Fort right now, two days later." "Two days!" Lightning shouted in shock. "Yes, two days," Sally sighed in annoyance. "Conquering Storm has something to tell you." Lightning, as best he could in a body cast, looked at Conquering Storm with hope.
"Pucker your lips Lightning." Conquering stated sweetly. Lightning did just that as Conquering Storm leaned in. She pulled a hermit crab out of her pocket and let it smash his claws on his lips. The group replied in Ohs, while Simian stated, "Damn." If Lightning could talk at the moment, profanity that is so not rated T would fly out of his mouth like spit. "I'm also breaking up with you," Conquering spat, Lightning started to cry. "Oh yeah, don't forget, for your poor performance against everybody in the dojo, you are hereby banished from the Raiju Ninja Tribe. Never show you face around me ever again!" Conquering Storm slapped Lightning in the face, turned around all snoblike, and marched out of there with a sense of pride. Lightning broke out into a wail, sending the crab into the bathroom and making it lock the door.
"Whelp," Sonic burped, "We're sorry that we destroyed your one true chance at happiness and ruined any chance you had at a relationship with her, but we had too, to ya know, end the arc and stuff. Anyway, damn you and goodbye." Sonic yawned, slapped Lightning, and called, 'Come on Tails." Tails barked like a dog, got on all fours, and chased Sonic out the door. Sally and Monkey Khan shared a kiss and smiled at Lightning. Lightning would not stop crying, and Fiona remarked, "You're cheating on Sonic with Monkey Khan?" Sally giggled and put her finger to her lips. "Sh," she giggled playfully. "It's our dirty secret." "Oh, ok," Fiona replied. "Have fun, but don't get caught. The last thing you need Sugar Queen is that pink annoyance telling Sonic." "She already does," Sally remarked. "But you get used to it and ignore it after some time. Anyways, peace out." She blew a peace sign and a kiss and waltzed out the door with Monkey Khan in tote behind her.
Lightning wailed even louder. "Yay, we just destroyed Lightning's one true chance at happiness for our own selfish desires!" the Destructix cheered as they danced around their heartbroken teammate. "And we'll get our revenge in the next arc we're featured in!" Fiona exclaimed. Lightning just continued to cry even harder. His teammates laughed and laughed until Predator Hawk asked, "Can we get a burger?" "Yeah!" The group shouted as they ran out of the room, ignoring the crying Lightning, who then wailed, "But I want a burger too!"
Suddenly, alll the items in his room was surrounded by a blue aura and started to float through the air. Silver the Hedgehog appeared at the foot of the bed all creepy like, a sinister look plastered across his face, pointed at Lightning, and murmmured, "Iblis Trigger."
The End