Passing Notes

Season 4: Sometime after Window of Opportunity (minor spoilers)

Disclaimer: If only...

Author's note: I've never thought Jack and Sara should have gotten back together and I don't think Jack is still in love with her at this point, but I can't help but wish that there had been more of a goodbye between them. This is my attempt at giving Jack some sort of closure on that part of his life instead of just the crumpled up note from Brief Candle in Season One. Again, this isn't a romance and it isn't Jack pining for lost love. As far as I'm concerned he's already fallen head over heels for Sam at this point. Its just Jack...being Jack...and feeling bad because he did love Sara and he feels responsible for everything going to heck with them. Anyways, I'm done rambling. Please read and review!

I loved you.
I really did.
I'm sorry I hurt you.
I'm sorry I left you alone.
It should have been me.
I hope you've found a way to be happy again.

Jack left the paper on Charlie's grave, weighted down by his old wedding ring. He rearranged a couple of rocks to shield it from the view of the general public and stood up to leave before he lost his nerve. The sensible part of his brain was demanding what he was doing, here, at 2:00 am, writing notes to his ex-wife like he was in high school again. Of course, if he was in high school the note would be in someone's locker or backpack instead of over the body of a child.

'Damn it, O'Neill! Just get out of here,' he muttered out loud and spun around on his heel. He walked quickly towards his truck, determinedly ignoring the burning in his eyes.

He didn't bother trying to go to sleep when he got home. In fact, he didn't even go inside. He left his truck without locking it and climbed up onto his roof, doing his best to steer his thoughts away from anything having to do with Sara or Charlie or high school. It didn't work. He wished he could bring himself to actually talk to her. He didn't want to fix things between then, he just thought she deserved a real goodbye. He just needed to say goodbye.

He had tried. In between experimenting with pottery and golfing with Teal'c, when the planet had been stuck in that cursed time loop, he had tried. But even then, even knowing that he would never have to face the consequences of anything he said or did, he had just stood there mumbling pleasantries until he couldn't take it anymore. He had choked out an 'I'm sorry,' and then walked away.

So now here he was sitting on his roof wondering what would come of the impulsively scribbled quasi-card he had just dropped off. Even on paper he couldn't tell Sara everything she deserved to know but it was better than nothing. He hoped. He wasn't sure what scared him more: having her call or show up in response to it, or having her ignore it completely.

The colonel wrapped the blanket he always kept stashed by the telescope around his shoulders and stared up at the stars. All the things he couldn't say, not even in time loops or teenage-style notes, running through his mind.

It wasn't our son you saw a few years ago.
I've traveled across the galaxy.
I think I've fallen in love again.
There's this boy. His name is Skaara. You would like him.
Those little green men? They're really grey.
What I know now could have saved him then.
I've seen the past. And the future. And what could be.
There might be another universe where we're still a family...

...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

I loved you. I know.
I really did. I loved you too.
I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I could never reach you.
I'm sorry I left you alone. I'm sorry I let you go off alone.
It should have been me. It wasn't your fault.
I hope you've found a way to be happy again. I think I have. I hope you do too.

Jack stared at the new words written on the paper he had left at Charlie's grave. It was now weighted down by a pair of matching wedding rings strung together on a silver chain. He blinked rapidly, and again refused to acknowledge the tears building in his eyes.

Carefully, he piled a few more stones around the memento for protection. It would have made more sense to remove it. Kept here, it would only surrender to elements or the rings would be stolen, but he could not bring himself to take it away. It was fitting, he thought. Here at their son's grave were the pieces of Jack and Sara O'Neill that had died with him. They had been happy once, the three of them. He guessed that sort of happiness wasn't meant to last.

The colonel swallowed hard and rose to his feet. "Bye, Charlie," he mumbled, gently brushing dust off the top of the headstone. His eyes traveled involuntarily back to the light glinting off the rings. He hesitated a moment, and then spoke again.

"Goodbye, Sara." His voice was hoarse.

I loved you.
I really did.