Disclaimer: I do not own HP or the marauders. This story is a re-write of one of my favourite episodes of MASH. Its wit and dialogue seemed to fit the Marauders perfectly and so I give you…
Beauty and the Beasts
The first class for the day was about to commence and the hallways and stairwells of Hogwarts were full to the brim of students rushing on their way to class. Three particular students stood out from the rest, as they were not in any hurry to make it to class at all. In fact, they were leisurely walking down a corridor playing a game of cards.
Sirius held his cards up to his face pondering his next move, "Diamonds beats Spades, right?" he asked out-loud.
Meanwhile, at the other end of the corridor, a female student was running extremely late on her first day at Hogwarts. She emerged from the showers at the other end of the corridor and not seeing the boys, headed straight for them, wearing only a towel.
James considered Sirius' move and placed his cards onto Peter's palm, which was acting as a makeshift table between Sirius and James. "Gin! That's 470 tokens you owe me," said James.
BANG! Peter fell crashing to the floor and cards rained down on him as Sirius and James grabbed a hold of the exasperated girl.
"Oh! I'm sorry," she said, "I wasn't looking," she gushed, embarrassed.
"That's alright. I'm doing enough looking for us both," said James smiling.
Sirius then steadied the girl by taking her arm, "I don't believe we've met."
James moved to stand in front of Sirius, "What are you doing after class?" he asked.
The girl, obviously startled and now running extremely late pushed through the boys and continued running down the corridor.
"Hey!" yelled Sirius, "Wait a minute!"
In her haste, the girl had dropped her towel, which was now in the possession of a beaming James. The boys looked on in stunned silence as the girl continued to run naked down the corridor.
James and Sirius then proudly saluted their newest friend's rather pert buttocks and continued towards their class with smiles as wide as watermelons.
The mysterious young beauty remained nameless throughout the day until the boys managed to spot her in the Great Hall at lunch. James and Sirius sauntered over and sat on either side of her.
"Hello again!" beamed Sirius.
"Enchanté!" said James, taking her hand.
The girl looked at them both somewhat puzzled, "Do you two want to be alone?"
James sighed, "Yeah, but not necessarily with each other."
"No, really, I can move," she said, slowly getting up out of her seat.
"I'll say you can!" James remarked, remembering her naked hundred-metre-dash from earlier that day.
Sirius rolled his eyes, "Please don't mind my friend here, he's majoring in crudeness."
"Uhuh," she said.
"So how come we haven't seen you 'round before?" asked Sirius.
"My family recently moved here from France. I attended Beauxbatons but my parents withdrew me when they knew they were moving over here."
"So, vouz parlez français?" asked James leaning in towards her.
"Yes, but English was my first language," she smiled back mockingly.
"So…" James inquired, "…foreign exchange student eh!" giving her a wink, "So what can I call you other than 'ma belle dame'?"
Sirius snorted.
"My name is Ebony Rose," she said.
"Ah, what else!" swooned James.
"Any chance you know what house you're in?" Sirius asked, "If you're a Gryffindor, that means that you'll be seeing a lot more of me – "
James glared at his competition, "He means 'us'," James finished.
"Well," Ebony began, "at my interview the headmaster said that, for the time being, I would be placed in Gryffindor on probation and then once the sorting hat has been repaired then they would move me if it saw fit."
The two boys discretely 'high-fived' behind Ebony's chair.
At that moment a rather foreboding shadow appeared across the table. "Miss Rose, report to my office immediately," announced Professor McGonagall.
"Now?" Ebony asked.
"Yes now!"
"Yes Sir…I mean Ma'am…" Ebony answered in her haste.
"Dismissed!" McGonagall announced, disgruntled.
The two boys didn't see Ebony in study hall that afternoon which made their curiosity increase even more. James and Sirius, unbeknown to each other, plotted separately in secret to meet with Ebony alone in Gryffindor tower later that night.
"Awwww…" Sirius yawned, "I think I might get an early night. I'm so tired I think I could sleep for a week!" he lied.
"Yeah? Well I just remembered that I left my right shoe in Herbology so I'm gonna go back and get it," James said, stuffing his shoe into his book bag under the table.
"So, I…guess…I'll…see…you…later." said Sirius, slowly making his way towards the door.
"I…guess…you…will," James replied, also moving towards the door. The boys gave each other a nod and then simultaneously bolted in opposite directions down the corridor. Thinking to themselves that the other didn't suspect a thing.
Sirius used his broom to fly up to Professor Sprouts' window and swiped her prize daisies from her window box. Meanwhile, James, concealed by his invisibility cloak, stole a pair of silk stockings from the girls washing line. The race was on.
Both boys attempted to break the land-speed record in order to reach Ebony before she retreated up the staircase to the girl's dorms, forbidding them from seeing her until she would come down the following morning. As the portrait hole loomed in sight, James and Sirius screamed out the password in unison and in their haste to enter the common room, collided and sent each other flying across the floor.
As they composed themselves each came to the realisation that the other was acting rather odd.
James noticed the flowers in Sirius's hands, "For me?"
Sirius nodded at the stockings, "Only if you put those on."
James gave Sirius a quizzical look, "That was a pretty short nap wasn't it? I thought you were going to bed for a week."
"I was, but I didn't say when did I?" Sirius replied, "What about you?"
James took a defensive stance, "This is strictly business. I'm engaging in some extracurricular activity."
Remus, who had been silently observing the spectacle decided that now was a good time to say something, " It must be obvious, even to moral defectives such as yourselves, that you're both zeroed in on the same girl. Right?"
"Right," said Sirius, "Only, I have a solution…we'll share her."
"One girl, two straws?" Remus noted cynically.
"Ok then," said James, "You take her during the day, and I'll take her during the night."
"What!" Sirius was outraged.
As if by divine timing, Ebony emerged from the girl's dorm holding a pile of folded laundry and was placing them over an open suitcase next to the fireplace.
Sirius and James scrambled over to her shoving each other in order to get closer to her. "Unpacking?" asked Sirius, "Let us help."
"We're awfully glad you picked our house, we're not as large as some of the others but we are friendly," said James.
"Very friendly..." Sirius butted in.
Ebony looked up at the pathetic looking adolescents, "Guys…I…" she began, in the middle of folding a shirt.
"Look," Sirius took the shirt and handed it to James, "why don't we give this to the bellboy and let us go down to the lake and…"
James interrupted, "…I have a better idea. Why don't you go down to the lake and watch us wave goodbye to you." he glared at Sirius.
"I am not unpacking…I'm packing!" Ebony pointed out, frustrated by their squabbling.
"Darling, packing is for leaving. To stay you have to 'un'," said James.
Ebony looked them both in the eye, "I've been transferred to another house."
"Transferred?" the boys chimed in unison.
"Professor McGonagall says I'm a bit of a distraction." Ebony explained.
Sirius was outraged, "What a rotten thing to say!"
"Yeah!" James agreed, taking Sirius aback, "You're an incredible distraction! And we're not giving you up! You're the best thing to hit this place since dry socks!"
"Well what can I do about it?" Ebony continued to place her belongings back in her suitcase. Sirius took her hands and handed her the flowers. "You put yourself in our hands," he said.
James then placed the stockings on top of the flowers, "Actually these go on your legs…which were that I were they…" Both boys then turned and ran out of the portrait hole leaving an astonished common room in their wake.
The door to the headmaster's office burst open and the boys raced up to his desk, panting for breath.
"Well, if it isn't Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dumb." said Professor Dipel, not lifting his eyes from the paper work he was reading.
"Sir, we've gotta ask you something," Sirius began.
"Answer's 'no'," said the headmaster before Sirius could continue.
"Don't you wanna know what it is, Sir?" asked Sirius.
This time, the headmaster looked up at them both, pausing from his reading, "Whatever it is, even if the answer's 'yes', it's 'no'."
James took over from Sirius, "Sir, Professor McGonagall has transferred Ebony Rose, one of our most conscientious and best-built students to another house!"
"Hold it right there," said the headmaster, pointing his finger at them both, "Minerva is in charge of the Gryffindor students and I see no need to intervene."
James' tone began to get louder, "With all due respect Sir, the young lady happens to be a sensational potions student, with remarkable grades! And she's got two of the best…"
The headmaster interrupted, "I'm sure."
James continued, "…hands I've ever seen. Don't let her go professor. There hasn't been a top potions student in this school for over twenty years! Talent in that area is hard to find!"
"I know," Professor Dipel softened his tone. "Look boys, there isn't much I can do. Professor McGonagall has jurisdiction to remove a student if she sees fit and I have complete faith in her decisions."
Sirius, not completely taking in what the headmaster was saying, experienced a brainwave. "Sir? If James and I were to devote our spare time to extracurricular activities, rather than spending time with Miss Rose, would you possibly consider overturning Professor McGonagall's decision and keep Miss Rose in Gryffindor house?"
"Yes, I don't see why not." he replied. "In fact," the head master got out of his chair and moved towards the window, "the statue of Merlin that was erected by the ministry last year was decapitated by vandals only last week. I have inquired as to the cost of replacing the head of our treasured monument and it was relayed to me that it would cost the school one thousand Galleons. Now if you boys were to raise that amount to replace the head, which was suspiciously vandalised by several invisible students who shall remain nameless at this time…" he raised his eyebrows to the two boys, "…then I may reconsider the position of Miss Rose, in Gryffindor house."
Later that night in Gryffindor tower, James and Sirius mulled over their dilemma.
"Where are we gonna get one thousand Galleons?" James whined, slumping down on his bed. To his left, Remus made a dog-like whimper in his sleep.
"Maybe we could sell Wolfgang while he's asleep," said Sirius.
"There must be something we can sell! What do the students want more than anything else?" he asked rhetorically.
Sirius wondered out loud, "No exams? A four-day weekend?"
James made a sly chuckle, "What do they really want?"
Sirius caught on. "Sex," he replied.
James got up off his bed and started pacing the room. "Get Wormtail to sell some tickets and you can make a sign."
"Mind telling me what exactly we're gonna put on this sign?" asked Sirius.
James moved his arms through the air picturing the words in front of him, "All you can drink, ten Galleons a-head. Door Prize: Romantic weekend for two in Hogsmeade. Lucky winner to share the company of gorgeous girl."
"So, you wanna raffle off a girl?" said Sirius.
James looked at his friend innocently, "Is that what I said?"
The following morning, Professor Dipel experienced a sense of déjà-vu as the door to his office burst open once again, as James and Sirius ran up to his desk, short of breath.
"How are ya Professor?" asked Sirius.
"How are ya Professor?" asked James.
This time, the headmaster looked up straight away. "That's not what you boys came to ask. The last thing you wanna know when you say 'how are you?' is how I am."
"Alright," James admitted, "Let's skip the niceties and get down to business. What we want from you is two weekend passes to Hogsmeade so that we can raise the statue money. We wanna raffle them off along with the company of one of our finest ladies whose heart and everything else is in the right place."
The headmaster considered James' proposal, "Seems like a good enough cause, but why don't I trust you boys?" he asked.
"'Cos we're not trustworthy?" replied Sirius.
"Maybe that's it!" said the headmaster. "So, which young lady have you conned into doing this?"
James looked at Sirius, "Well, I haven't approached her yet, but…there can be only one choice." James then entered a reverie, "A girl with a face that doesn't quit…with so much body, she should be continued on the next girl…"
"Rosaline will never agree to this!" Sirius interrupted.
James smiled at his friend, "Oh, but she will! Inaccessible as she is to every guy in this school, she's putty in the hands of the master."
After a successful start to their campaign, James and Sirius spent the next weekend counting their funds so far.
James laid out piles on his bed, while Sirius wrote figures on a sheet of parchment to be added up at the end.
"Here's ten for Wormtail's ticket," said James, "ten for Peeves, and ten for the winning ticket," he said placing his own money in the pile.
Sirius looked up from writing, "If you walk away from this as the winner, we're gonna be selling tickets to your funeral."
"Worry not my friend," James reassured him. "Just out of interest, is Moony on your list?"
"No," replied Sirius, "I asked him but he said that the degradation of women by selling off pleasurable company was not something he approved of."
"Well he could have just said 'no thanks'," said James, "Anyway, how are we going so far?"
Sirius skimmed down the parchment with the tip of his quill, "Around six hundred. It's still too short."
James got a glimmer in his eye, "Well, we haven't given everybody a chance to contribute have we?"
The boys then decided to take their campaign to classes. However, this move didn't go down to well and certain teachers reported them as being disruptive.
"If I don't do something about this, Professor Slughorn'll report it to the Minister and it'll be my neck on the chopping block," the headmaster explained to the boys who had been sent up to his office once again.
"So, I'm withdrawing the weekend passes and you can forget about the raffle. I have to go to the ministry for a few days and I wasn't happy about it taking place in my absence."
"But Professor…" James protested.
"As far as I'm concerned that is the end of the matter. Good day."
The following morning at breakfast in the Great Hall, Peter handed James an envelope. "What's this?" James asked.
Peter spoke in low tones in order to prevent their conversation reaching the ears of others, "Weekend passes for the raffle."
James shoved the envelope in his pocket, "When did he sign for these?"
"He misplaced his glasses and I slipped it into his pile of papers and explained that he was ordering a new set of chess pieces for the library."
James beamed. Slapping his friend on the back. It was a rare occasion that Wormtail actually did something right.
Later that evening in the Gryffindor common room, many students had gathered in order to hear the result of the raffle, but mainly to see the prize in the flesh.
Rosaline, famed as being the most beautiful girl in sixth year, let alone the human race, stood beside James on a makeshift podium facing the crowd.
"You still haven't told me how I get out of not going away with the winner." she said to James in her song-like voice. James of course was smiling from ear-to-ear, captivated by her feminine charm.
"And why do I get the funny feeling it's going to be you?" she continued.
James sauntered closer, "You don't trust me?" he asked cheekily.
"Not since the first time I found you hiding in my wardrobe." she mused.
Sirius quietened-down the crowd, motioning James to address the crowd.
"First of all," James began, "I want to announce that because of your generosity and thirst that we raised over one thousand Galleons tonight!"
The crowd cheered.
"Next, I want you to get out your tickets. And now for the incomparable Rosaline Collins!" James pulled his arm around her waist and she blew kisses to the crowd as they showered her with catcalls.
"Star of stage, screen and the girl's showers, will now dip her sensuous claw into the hat to pick the lucky winner." James announced, guiding her hand into the hat, letting his own hand linger a little too long in order to brush fingers with her.
Rosaline pulled out a ticket and handed it to James, "Here it is ladies and germs, the name of the man who will spend a glorious weekend for two in Hogsmeade with the completely edible Rosaline Collins. And the winner is…"
The crowd thought James was pausing for effect, when in fact he was absolutely dumbfounded by the name that was written on the winning ticket.
"Go on! Who is it?" urged Sirius from behind him.
"It's Remus Lupin."
A/N: What do you think??? R&R