I've heard the question "Can a heart still break once it's stopped beating?" But what I want to know is... can it still love? I suppose, I'm about to find out.
Maybe "everything" was just a word to him. Maybe when he said he loved me, he was only toying with my little human emotions. Maybe all those were different reasons he sat in regret by me now. Every thought possible seemed to run through my head as I lay in pain for the third day. The last day.
He'd been so absolute on keeping me mortal. Maybe he was using my love like a fling, and he waited for me to be dead so he could start another. Still though, part of me knew better, or thought it did at least. He hadn't taken his eyes from me once since it began, hadn't even blinked. It took all my strength to reach out for his hand, now, and even still, I didn't make it. He met me half way.
He wouldn't smile, though. His lips weren't curved into a frown, but it was definite that they weren't meant to express joy. I almost regretted this now. Maybe I had ruined his life– or rather, his existence. If he wanted me to leave, of course I would. It made me wonder why he would go to such lengths to protect me if I was only a play thing for him. It made me wonder about his emptiness.
He squeezed my hand, and it temporarily washed away a little of my pain. It made it clear what he wanted. He wanted me.
He could read the thoughts of others, he was unique, even among his kind. But if he was so caught up in the thoughts of others, was it possible he didn't know what he wanted? Was it possible that he was so unused to interpreting his own thoughts, that he simply based what he believed he wanted off of what others did? No, not possible. Nobody else had ever wanted me. And nobody else ever would. Only him.
Only Edward. I found that I was almost able to smile through the pain as I lay there, my hand in his. Almost. I shut my eyes tighter, knowing that it would come to an end today, a slow fading, but it hadn't gotten that far yet. Nearly, but not quite. Pain couldn't possibly be the word for it. Torture? Death? Hell? None of them seemed powerful enough. I'd been through all of those. The only pain greater than the one I endured now was when I had gone through them all at once.
The only pain greater was being without Edward.
I cringed, my hand squeezing his tighter, and he dropped to his knees by the bed. "Bella?" His voice was in panic, but it was as sweet as ever. I tried to speak his name, to return the favor, but all that escaped my lips was a small moan.
What had I done? Had I really intended to do this? Did I really ever think I would get this far? I knew I wanted to be with Edward for forever, or at least as long as I could, but if he hadn't wanted this for me... Why had I gone against the wishes of the one I loved? I knew I had lost my family's trust, and there was no way I could ever see Jacob again, but none of that seemed relevant as I was hugged tighter by the boy I'd thrown my life away for. I realized as I opened my eyes that his body had never felt warmer to me, still, he was cold, but not as cold as I remembered. His grip wasn't quite as strong.
"Bella, hang on. Just a little longer, I promise." His words were filled with love, and they brought with them an undying hope that this would all end sooner than it could, and that my forever with Edward would begin. "I love you," He whispered, and I'm sure that if his eyes could shed tears, they would be. Along with the hours of the day, I realized that the pain was fading, the exhaustion was dissipating, and the thirst was growing.
"Edward," I knew that I had wanted his name to be the first I spoke when I was created, when I was saved.
When I was born.
"Bella?" My name rang like a bell in his perfect voice, and his breath was warm on my face.
I smiled, all I could do at the moment, and sat up. The pain was still aching through my every muscle, and even down to the bone, if possible, but somehow, I managed. I stared into his blackening eyes, they had darkened every day that he waited for me, and realized, with now a thirst of my own, how especially hard it must have been for him to watch me as I withered away. So weak, so easily destroyed.
But he hadn't touched me, until earlier when I held his hand, and now, as he looked into my eyes, he sighed. "I'm sorry," He breathed. "Now, you can never go back. Now you're living as one of us."
"One of you," I started slowly, then smiled. "I like that."
"Bella, you're going to see. It isn't what it seems. I'm so sorry."
"It was my choice, Edward, and I made it. I'm sorry, you're really stuck with me, now." I tried to lighten the mood that was impossibly sad on one account. "I need you. And I need your help, now."
"With what?" He asked, more or less distracted by my plea.
"I need to know now," I bit my lip. "What it's really like for you to kiss me."
He drew back. "Excuse me?" I could tell he didn't know what I was talking about.
"Edward, please. Between your thirsting for my blood and your impossible strength you were never really able to kiss me. I want to know now, how you really would. With all of your heart."
For the first time since the vote had been taken, I saw him smile. It was small, but noticeable, and it even further brightened his flawlessness. I had to smile just seeing it. "Please, Bella. You aren't strong enough, yet, for all my heart."
"Oh, I see. That makes this all very complicated."
"Why is that?" He asked.
"Well, apparently, I'm not strong enough for your heart, but you already hold all of mine. That means that I'm even weaker than usual, having no heart, and you, with two? How selfish. I thought this would be an even trade."
He smiled. "My mistake. I guess you've had my heart all along, haven't you?" And with that, he swept my aching body up into his arms and kissed me, somehow handing me all his heart through his lips.
And yes, yes it could.