WARNING...THIS STORY DEALS WITH STILLBIRTH AND THE EMOTIONAL JOURNEY THAT YOU TAKE.

The majority of this story comes from personal experience and that of friends and family who sadly have had to deal with the devastating loss of their children.

I felt heavy and uncomfortable now. Even though being thirty eight weeks pregnant with Edwards child was one of my dreams I couldn't wait for it to be over and for us to have our much wanted child here in our arms.

I lay down on the sofa to rest as I was exhausted, my head resting on Edwards lap and my feet high up on cushions to try and reduce the selling of my ankles.

I could feel the baby squirming away inside me.

"Quickly give me your hand."

Edward laughed in delight as he felt our child moving about. I felt an almighty kick and saw Edwards hand move with the force of it.

"Well I think that we will certainly have a footballer with the moves that are being made today."

I smiled indulgently. I know that he wanted a boy so that he could have the kind of relationship that he had had with his adopted parents. He wanted to be able to do all the things with a son that he had missed out on in the earlier years of his life.

"I'm hungry, I need to eat."

"What is it this time that you would like love? Bacon, sausage, Ice, brick dust?"

He said the last one with laughter evident in his voice. He had heard of some of the strange cravings that pregnant women sometimes had.

"No just plain old eggs will satisfy me before bed time."

"Your wish is my command."

I inhaled the eggs that Edward made, for a man he was a very good cook and I always enjoyed what he made.

"I'm going to go to bed love I am beginning to feel a little nauseas."

"OK love, I will lock up the house and I will be up shortly."

I waddled slowly up the stairs to the sumptuous bedroom and changed into a loose fitting nightdress.

Laying down on the bed I sank into the mattress gratefully enjoying the feeling of relief now that I was laid down and the weight of the baby wasn't resting on my back so much.

I began my nightly ritual of singing a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow- way
up high
in the land
that I heard of once
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow- skies
are blue
and the dreams
that you dare to dream
really do come true

Someday I'll wish upon a star
and wake up
where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
away above the chimney tops
that's where you'll find me

Someday I'll wish upon a star
and wake up
where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
away above the chimney tops
that's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow
skies are blue
and the dreams...that you dare to dream
really do come true
If happy little bluebirds fly
above the rainbow, why
Oh, why can't I?

I must have fallen asleep quickly as I wasn't aware of Edward coming to bed although in my subconscious I knew he was there as I snuggled up to him as much as my body would allow.

I awoke in the early hours of the morning needing to have a toilet break and realised that I had not been woken by the baby kicking which was unusual but I knew that there was not much room to move and that it was to be expected that it would slow down a little just before birth.

I went back to bed not thinking of anything apart from how much I couldn't wait to meet my baby.

I awoke the next morning starving. My thoughts from the night before totally gone from my head as I enjoyed the eggs and bacon that Edward had prepared for me.

He had decided to start his paternity leave now and then use up his yearly holidays so that he could be there as soon as labour started.

I spent the remainder of the morning putting the finishing touches to the nursery with Edward keeping his ever watchful eye on me so that I didn't over exert myself.

I sat down on the beautiful pale wood cream rocking chair that we had purchased and looked around with pride. Everything was now perfect and ready for its new occupant.

I placed my hands on my stomach and felt nothing. I thought back and realised that I had felt no movement from the baby since yesterday evening.

"Edward, can you please call the midwife for me? I need to ask her something."

I tried to keep the concern from my voice as I didn't want to cause him any worry.

He came rushing up the stairs with the phone in his hand looking excited.

"Has it started?"

"No my love, I haven't felt any movements and I want to check and see if this is normal at this stage of pregnancy,"

"I would have thought so, try not to concern yourself everything will be OK."

I explained to the midwife that I had felt no movements and she advised me to go down the the maternity unit so that they could do a trace on the baby to make sure that my labour had not started and that the baby wasn't in any distress.

We arrived at Forks hospital and were directed to the labour ward where we were immediately placed into a side room.

The midwife came in and checked my temperature and blood pressure and also requested the urine sample that I had remembered to bring so that they could test for infection.

She came back to say that all the checks on me had come back okay and that she was going to use the sonicaid machine so that they could trace the baby's heartbeat and to check for contractions.

As she placed the pad on my swollen stomach and turned on the sound we heard a steady "thump thump"

"Baby must be hiding or laid in an awkward position as that is your heart that we can hear."

She moved the pad around my stomach, her face giving nothing at all away.

"I want to go and get someone else to try as I don't appear to be having any joy, I will be back as soon as possible. Please try not to worry this has been known to happen before."

I began to cry softly, the fear that I had felt on my way to the hospital came to the surface but I couldn't bring myself to put those feelings into words.

The midwife came back with the consultant who had brought a larger machine with a monitor attached to it and we both recognised the scan machine.

"Hi, Let me introduce myself I am Dr Newton the Head consultant here on the maternity unit. Miss Stanley has told me that your baby is being a monkey and is hiding from us so we just want to scan to see if we can get the correct position for the trace."

He squeezed the cold clear gel onto my stomach and ran the probe over my stomach spreading the gel to enable him to get a clear picture. He kept the monitor facing us and both Edward and I looked at it eager to get another glimpse of our child.

What we saw stillness, there was no movement at all just pure stillness.

"I'm just going to turn the monitor so that I can take a closer look at what is happening."

I already knew in my heart what he was going to say but nothing in the whole world could ever prepare me for the words.

"I'm so so sorry but your baby has no heartbeat."

A/N

This is only the prologue of this story. I know that stillbirth is a very sensitive and taboo subject but sadly it does happen. 17 babies a day die in the UK through stillbirth and the parents that have to go through this find themselves shunned because people do not like to talk of it.

I hope that by telling this story I can raise awareness and that it will show that if you know someone who has gone through this devastating time that they need to talk about their child.

I have 3 very special Angel nephews and many friends who I have found through the SANDS (Stillbirth and neonatal death society) and I want to thank them for their input into this.

Lots of love and hugs

sar

xxxx