Disclaimer- Everything belongs to J.K. Rowling and is not mine, however much I might wish differently. However, I am not making any money off of this, so please do not sue me!
Author's Notes- This is another angsty Snape/Lily piece. Sorry, they're one of my favorite pairings, so love to write about them, yet I can't figure out how to write anything happy. Sorry. It just deals with Snape's thoughts on the first anniversary of Lily's death. Well, that's all, enjoy!
Pairing- Severus/Lily.
Rating- PG
Summery- A year ago, he lost her.
Spoilers- All the books I guess, mainly PS/SS.
Severus sat in the dark brooding, reflecting on what that date represented.
It marked the anniversary of the worst day of his life. After all, a year ago she had still been alive. Sure the world had been full of Hell and fear. But Lily had been in it.
Now... Now they had peace, but Lily was gone.
It didn't really seem like a fair trade to him. He'd give up anything to have her back.
His Lily. He still thought of her as that, because in a way, she would always be his. He would always love her.
And he knew that a piece of her had always loved him. No matter how badly things had ended between them, a part of them would always be connected. Nothing would ever wipe away the memories of the life they had shared.
The memories that haunted him every day as he struggled with life in a world where she no longer existed. The last year had been filled with pain. Severus had dreaded every new day, because it just meant that she had been dead one day longer.
Now it had been a year. And they were celebrating.
Oh, he knew why the Wizarding world considered that day a holiday. After all, it was the day the Dark Lord had disappeared. Never matter that two more people had lost their lives and an infant had been left orphaned that night--those facts were too ugly to be mentioned.
Severus often thought about the boy. Lily's son. The child that she had sacrificed her life for.
He wasn't sure how he felt about the boy. Lily had loved her son so much. And a part of Serverus did too. Because he was Lily's, because he was a part of her.
Yet, at the same time, Severus hated the boy. Because he was alive and Lily was not. Because he was her son, but not his. Because Harry Potter would always represent what Severus had lost.
He would always be Lily's son. But he would also always be James'. And that was a pain that Severus was not sure that he could bear.
But he had time.
It would be nine years yet, before he had to face the boy. Before he saw with his own eyes the only living reminder there was of his beloved Lily.
Until then, he only had to deal with his memories.
Which were worse. Because his memories haunted him every second of every day. Everything reminded him of Lily.
He tried to escape it, but he couldn't.
She was gone, but she was with him all the same. His heart and mind wouldn't let him let her go. No matter how hard he tried. Because she was the closest thing to perfection he had ever had. And fate wanted to make sure he never forgot why he could never have perfection.
He was too flawed, too scarred. No, for him, perfection would always end badly. Like it had with Lily.
She had brought so much joy into his life, and what had he given her? Pain and suffering. Because that was all he had to give. He had tried to make her happy, but he couldn't. Instead he had ended up betraying her and watching as she turned to someone else.
And then, before he knew it, she was gone. Forever.
And all he could do was sit in the dark and miss her.
A year had passed. But it was not enough to dim her memory. No amount of time could do that. No, no matter how many years past, the pain would always be the same.
But that night was special.
It was the first year. An now it was over.
Now, he only had to deal with every other year for the rest of his life.
The End