Family Guy
Freakin' Friday
By Alex Johnson
Scene 1
(Outside Griffin house. Cut to inside. Peter and Brian are on the couch watching TV.)
Darth Vader on TV: Luke I am your father.
(The TV rewinds and replays the same scene.)
Brian: For the last time Peter Darth Vader does not turn into a chicken!
Peter: But Brian we haven't watched in slow motion yet.
(Peter rewinds the movie and plays it in slow motion a message flashes on the screen.)
Brian: What was that?
Peter: I don't know.
(Peter rewinds it again and freezes it on the message. Stewie's picture is on the TV and a message that says "In 25 years you will kill Lois Griffin.")
Peter: Brian quick how long ago did this movie come out?
Brian: 24 years, 364 days, 23 hours, and 59 minutes ago.
Peter: Oh Crap!
Stewie from upstairs: Ha. My day has come!
Theme Song
Scene 2
(Outside Griffin house. Cut to inside the kitchen. Peter, Meg and Chris are at the table. Stewie is in his high chair. Lois is cooking on the stove. Brian walks in.)
Peter: Oh hey Brian, did you find that cure for Polio yet?
Brian: Uh, no Peter I didn't.
Peter: Well Brian, I promised the Calangelos down the street that their son would be cured by five o'clock Friday.
Brian: First of all their son doesn't have Polio and second their name is not Calangelo it's Patterson. Plus Polio already has a cure.
Peter: Ah jeez Brian I asked you to do one simple thing. This is just like that time in Disney World.
(Cut to Disney World. Peter and Brian are standing just out of earshot of Mickey Mouse.)
Peter: All right Brian I'll tackle him and then you tell security that I have a rare disease called "Mambo Salitune Micro Osis" which causes me to attack mice.
(Peter attacks Mickey Mouse yelling "You large eared bastard!" and security runs up and grabs him.)
Security Officer (To Brian): Do you know this man?
Brian: Yes I do and he has absolutely no excuse for what he has just done.
(Cut to Griffin House back to the kitchen. Everyone is still in the kitchen.)
Brian: Peter you attacked one of the most beloved figures in the world.
Peter: Well fine then. I'll just cure Polio myself.
Brian: Peter do you even know what Polio is?
Peter: Yeah. He's the guy who invented the swimming pool.
Brian: No no, that's just not true.
Chris: Actually Brain I think he's right.
Brian: You shut up!
Peter: Well if you excuse me. I'll be in my lab curing Polio.
(Peter runs out of the house. Cut to inside the garage. Peter is standing in front of a cauldron.)
Peter: Now let's see what I have to put in this.
(He pours different jars and bottle into the cauldron.)
Peter: Now for my secret ingredient, the pure blood of an Ethiopian Eskimo from the southernmost point in all of Dakota.
(He pours the small flask in and a green liquid bubbles up and splashes all over him.)
Peter: Aw man I gotta get rid of this stuff.
(He throws the contents of the cauldron out the window and it lands on Brian who is walking by. He drops to the ground and starts rolling around)
Brian: Oh God. This is terrible. It burns. Ahhhhh.
Scene 3
(Outside Griffin house. Cut to inside Peter and Lois's bedroom. You see through Peter's eyes as he wakes up.)
Brian's Voice: Why am I in Peter and Lois's room?
(Pan down to see Peter's hands.)
Brian's Voice: Oh my god, I'm in Peter's body.
(You see through a normal view. Brian sneaks out of bed and down stairs. Peter is in Brian's body sitting on the floor in the living room.)
Peter: Hey Brian watch this.
(He runs in circles dragging his ass on the carpet.)
Brian: Peter aren't you at all confused by the fact that we've switched bodies.
Peter: Of course not. This is just like that movie Freaky Friday. Everything will go back to normal once we love each other again.
Brian: Except for one thing. I never loved you and I never will.
(Peter starts to cry.)
Brian: Peter we're still friends just not to that extent.
(Peter stops crying)
Peter: Oh well then in that case how do we change back.
Brian: I don't know.
Peter: Oh wait I know let's see that crazy old witch doctor up on Gold's Hill.
Brian: Okay.
(Cut to outside a big house on a hill. Cut to inside. Brian and Peter walk up to a door that says Dr. Morris)
Peter: This must be it.
(They go in. It is a regular doctor's office. They go up to the nurse at the desk.)
Brian: Is this the witch doctor's office?
Nurse: No, you're looking for Dr. Zhejciken. He's next door.
Brian: Thanks.
(They leave and go in through another door labeled Dr. Zhejciken. Inside it looks like the inside of a tribal hut. There is a man cutting off a chicken's head. They approach him)
Brian: Uh, are you the Witch Doctor?
Witch Doctor: Yes, I am Dr. Zhejciken. But you may call me Steve. Not only do I help those in need of spiritual help but I also sell insurance. Are you happy with your current insurance provider?
Peter: Yes I am thank you very much.
(He turns to leave Brian stops him.)
Brian: You'll have to excuse him. See the thing is he made some sort of toxic waste and spilled it on both of us and now we've switched bodies.
Dr. Zhejciken: Oh my. Well I have a potion that will help you but unfortunately it will take one week for the effect to take place.
Peter: Fine we'll take. How much?
Dr. Zhejciken: It will cost you 132 thousand dollars.
Brian: What? We don't have that kind of money.
Peter: Brian you have to haggle. (To Dr. Zhejciken) Make it 133 thousand and you got a deal.
Brian: Peter you're going the wrong way.
Dr. Zhejciken: Deal.
Brian: Wait Doc what if we give you…um… an evil monkey.
Dr. Zhejciken: Alright bring me the wicked ape and you shall receive the potion.
Peter: Thanks Dr. Steve.
Commercial
Scene 4
(Outside Griffin house. Cut to Inside the living room Brian and Peter are on the couch.)
Peter: Brian how are we going to get an evil monkey?
Brian: Simple, I've rigged a trap on the stairs. Just watch. (Calling upstairs with his voice disguised as Peter's) Hey Chris come here!
(Chris comes down stairs)
Chris: Yeah Dad?
Brian: (Disguising his voice.) Your mother wants you to go get your blue shirt out of your closet.
Chris: I can't. There's an evil monkey in my closet.
Brian: Ha he thinks there's an evil monkey in his closet. Isn't that funny Brian?
Peter: (Disguising his voice as Brian's) Oh, yeah that's funny. I'm Brian, not Peter.
(The evil monkey comes halfway down the stairs and points at Chris. A net drops down on him.)
Chris: I'm free!
Evil Monkey: There will be others.
Chris: No!
(Chris runs upstairs. Cut to outside Dr. Zhejciken's office on the hill. Cut to inside.)
Brian: Well here you go Steve an evil monkey.
(Brian hands Dr. Zhejciken a burlap sack. Dr. Zhejciken hands Brian a bottle off potion.)
Dr. Zhejciken: There you go. You two drink this tonight and in one week's time you will be back to normal.
Peter: Thanks Dr. Steve.
(As they leave Peter walks into the wall. He misses the door. A studio audience laughs.)
Scene 5
(Outside the Griffin house. Cut to inside. Peter and Brian are sitting at the kitchen table.)
Brian: All right Peter let me see the antidote.
(Peter hands Brian a bottle)
Brian: It says that we have to drink it and then recite the incantation.
Peter: What do we have to say?
Brian: Well let's see. It says here that he have to say I am gay.
Peter: Ah man. I can't believe I got him to say. Ah man. Hey Chris did you get that on tape?
(Chris walks into the kitchen with a video camera.)
Brian: Peter you do relieve that on tape it would be your body saying that.
Peter: Yeah sure whatever. Hey Chris let's see the tape.
(Peter pushes play on the side of the camera. Cut to the screen of the camcorder. You see Chris from behind watching TV in the living room.)
Man on TV: And now back to The Golden Girls.
(You hear Chris's pants unzip.)
Brian: Alright that's enough of that.
(Cut back to the kitchen)
Brian: (Disguising his voice as Peter's) Hey Chris could you leave me and Brian alone for a while.
Chris: Sure Dad. I'm gonna go catch some squirrels and force them to reenact The Great Gatsby.
(Chris runs out of the room)
Brian: Alright now we can to work reversing this whole thing.
Peter: Okay, here are the real magic words.
(Peter hands Brian a piece of paper. You see out the kitchen window Chris is chasing squirrels back in forth in the yard.)
Brian: Okay we each need to drink three tablespoons and say this phrase at the same time.
(Outside you see a squirrel throw an acorn at Chris's head. Chris falls backwards and is knocked out cold. While this is happening the following conversation takes place.)
Peter: What's the phrase?
Brian: Let's see. It says here that we have to say Boom Shaka Laka change us back.
Peter: Alright lets do it.
(Outside you see the squirrels tie a rope around Chris's legs and drag him out of view. There is a small explosion and you see Chris start running back and forth on fire. Meanwhile Peter and Brian drink the potion.)
Peter & Brian together: Boom Shaka Laka Change Us Back!
(You hear thunder and see lightning outside. Then it begins to rain and you see Chris's flames are put out. He stops running.)
Commercial
Scene 6
(Cut to outside the Griffin house. Cut to inside. Peter and Brian are on the couch watching TV.)
Brian: So, we have a week until we switch back…What do you want to do?
Peter: Oh! Let's have a staring contest. Ready set go!
(Peter and Brian stare at each other for about three seconds. Peter blinks.)
Peter: Damn it. Oh well lets see what on TV
(Peter turns on the TV.)
Man on TV: And now back to our all day Scooby Doo marathon.
Peter: Sweet!
(The Scooby Doo theme song begins to play on the TV. Brian twitches. The screen turns around to signify time has gone by. Peter is still watching TV. Brian is shaking and appears very angry. Scooby Doo music is playing on TV. They just sit for ten seconds.)
Peter: Oh look. There gonna catch the monster. Maybe this time it'll be a real monster.
Brian: (Screaming) It's never a real monster! It's the same (Bleep)ing thing in every (Bleep)ing episode! Every time they plan a huge elaborate trap and Scooby (Bleep)s the whole thing up! But in the end it all (Bleep)ing works out and it's never a (Bleep)ing monster! It's always a (Bleep)ing old guy!
Peter: Huh. Look at that it was a young guy this time.
Brian: Oh…My mistake.
Lois from upstairs: Peter, it's ten o' clock aren't you coming to bed?
Peter to Lois: Yeah I'll be right there.
(Peter begins to get up.)
Brian: Peter you can't go up there. Lois will think you're me.
Peter: Why?
Brian: Because we switched bodies.
Peter: We did?
(Peter looks at his hands and screams. Brain slaps him and Peter stops screaming)
Brian: I guess I'll have to go up there and pretend to be you.
Peter: Okay and I'll sleep on the foot of the bed
(They get up and go upstairs together. The doorbell rings. Meg walks in and opens the door. There is a monkey sitting there.)
Monkey: Hi. I'm here about the opening for an evil monkey.
Meg (Yelling upstairs): Chris! There's someone here to see you!
(Chris comes half way down the stairs. He sees the monkey)
Chris (To the monkey): Ok let's see what you got.
(The monkey does the evil point and stare.)
Chris: Alright. Well just leave your information with my secretary here and we'll give you a call.
Monkey: Oh boy.
(He gives a piece of paper to Meg and leaves.)
Chris (To Meg): You can just throw that away.
(Cut to upstairs. Peter and Brian arrive at Peter and Lois's bedroom door Brian goes in but Lois stops peter.)
Lois: Ah Brian, do you mind if Peter and I have a little privacy tonight?
Peter: (Disguising his voice as Brian's) Of course not. I'll just sleep out here in the hallway.
(Lois closes the door. You hear the bed start creaking in their bedroom. After about ten seconds you hear Brian howl.)
Peter: Ah man this is worse than that time a tried to commit identity theft.
(Cut to a bank. Peter is talking to a teller.)
Teller: Alright and what was the name?
Peter: (Sounding nervous.) Oprah.
Teller: Okay, now sign here.
(The teller hands Peter a piece of paper. Peter signs it and gives it back. The teller reads the paper.)
Teller: Wait a second. Peter Griffin? You're not Oprah! Get him!
(Two security guards come from off screen and tackle Peter. Cut back to the present)
Peter: I guess I'll just sleep downstairs tonight.
(Peter walks down stairs and lies down on the couch. Cut to outside the Griffin house. It's now morning. Cut to inside Peter and Lois's bedroom. Brian wakes up and sneaks downstairs. He sees Peter hanging from a ceiling fan by his collar. He is sleeping.)
Brian: Peter wake up!
Peter: Moon Pie! (Peter yells as he wakes up.)
Brian: What?
Peter: Oh I had a dream about Japanese cowboys. It's a long story.
Brian: Clearly. (After a short pause) Peter what are doing up there?
Peter: You know…I'm not sure. Ah hey Brian turn on the fan.
Brian: But Peter you'll…
Peter: Come on do it!
Brian: Fine.
(Brian turns on the fan and Peter begins to spin around hanging from one of the fan blades.)
Peter: Weeeeeeee!
(Peter flies off of the fan and smashes into the wall.)
Brian: Peter, why would you do something that stupid?
Peter: Hey what do I care it's your bones that'll be broken. I just have to put up with the pain for the rest of the week.
Brian: Oh yeah well how do you like this.
(Brian starts slamming his hand in the door.)
Brian: Ah it hurts but in a week it'll feel so good!
Peter: Oh yeah well take this!
(Peter starts smashing his head into the wall.)
Peter: I'm killing your brain cells.
Brian: Peter you still have your brain just my body so you're killing your own brain cells.
Peter: Ha jokes on you. I know exactly what's going on in there.
(Cut to inside Peter's brain. Everything is shaking as he hits head against the wall. There are thousands of brain cells running around screaming.)
Brain Cell 1: Quick everyone into the bunker it's another earthquake.
Brian Cell 2: Why does this keep happening? If only Peter would leave us alone for one day we could make him the smartest man in the world.
(Cut back to outside Peter's head.)
Peter: Those little bastards think they have me fooled.
Commercial
Scene 7
(Cut to outside the Griffin house. The caption "One Week Later" is seen on the bottom of the screen. Cut to inside the house. Peter and Brian are sitting in the living room on the couch)
Brian: This is it Peter. Ten seconds until we switch back. 8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1!
(Nothing happens)
Peter: Ah man. This is worse than that time I lived with god.
(Cut to an apartment. God is sitting at the table, reading the newspaper and Peter is making toast. The toaster gets jammed)
Peter: God damn it!
God: Ok. (To the toaster) Damn you to the bowls of hell!
(Nothing happens)
Peter: Nothing happened.
God: Well I haven't had my coffee yet. I could try again.
(Peter begins to disagree but God talks over him.)
God: Let me, let me try again.
Peter: No that's OK.
God: Yeah I'll try it again. Damn, damn you to the bowls of hell!
(The toaster disappears.)
Peter: Oh great. Now my toast is gone. What the hell am I supposed do for breakfast?
God: Well, we could go out.
Peter: Fine, let's go to Denny's.
God: Oh…about that…I'm kinda in a feud with the head chef.
Peter: Ok what about IHOP?
God. IHOP? Well which one?
Peter: Fulton Street.
God: Oh…about that…
(Cut back to the living room.)
Brian (Back in his own body): Well Peter, while you were on your completely unnecessary rant, we switched back. I must have timed it wrong on my watch.
Peter: Oh.
Brian: Finally I can do something I've been dieing to do all week.
(Brian sits down and licks him self.)
Brian: Oh yeaaaaah.
(There is a knock at the door. Brian opens it. There is another monkey standing there.)
Brian: (Calling upstairs.): Chris!
(Chris comes down stairs. The monkey immediately does the evil point and stare. Chris screams and runs back upstairs.)
Brian: I guess that means you're hired. Congratulations.
New Evil Monkey: Yes!
(He jumps in the air with his arms up. Freeze frame.)
The End