Author's Note (VERY IMPORTANT, Please Read): Okay, this is flame-bait. Really. I shouldn't be posting this here. I'm going to get flamed beyond belief. Well, let me say before you do that that I love Star Wars with every beating of my heart. I was absolutely stunned by every minute of AOTC. I have nothing but the highest amount of respect and envy for George Lucas and everything he has done with his epic franchise. I am a Star Wars fan. Really. I will likely have the logo tattooed somewhere on my body before I die. I am not kidding.
It should be known that just because I really loved Episode II, that doesn't mean that it doesn't deserve some... constructive criticism.
The same could be said for any film, I know. But because the Star Wars films have such mass appeal (and because I saw "Clones" four times in the first two weeks of its release, so I have it essentially memorized) I decided to put together this little beauty. It's one part transcription from memory, one part self-parody, one part MST3K style heckling, and one part homage to Lucas. The characters in the audience (Ollie, Pixie, and 3D) are based on me and two of my friends. Most of the stuff said here we actually said on our collective third and fourth viewing of this movie. We heckle. It makes the world more fun. And "G-Lu" is George Lucas. It's a joke. It's a sad one, but it's a joke.
All that being said, please don't attack me.
I have good intentions.
Disclaimer: I've got nothing on Star Wars. It all belongs to 20th Century Fox, LucasFilm Ltd., and some guy with a beard from Modesto, copyright 1977-2002. This parody, however, belongs to me, Warson Heyn, copyright 2002. Don't use it without asking. But please ask. Oh, yes, no droids, Jedi, bounty hunters, senators (Galactic or otherwise), or Gungans were hurt in the creation of this story... well, maybe one Gungan.
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STAR WARS: EPISODE II
ATTACK OF THE CLONES
(That Came From Outer Space
And Ate My Parent's Brains!)
A Constructive Criticism by Warson Heyn
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The LUCASFILM LOGO appears onscreen.
AUDIENCE: (Goes insane).
The 20TH CENTURY FOX LOGO appears onscreen.
AUDIENCE: (Goes silent).
The BEAUTIFUL RETRO STAR WARS LOGO flashes onscreen.
AUDIENCE: (Raises the dead with uproarious cheering!)
GOLDEN SCROLLING TEXT (Arial Narrow Bold): There is turmoil in the Galactic Republic. Like you're surprised. I mean, isn't there always? If ever there was a common denominator, its galactic turmoil. I mean, you get to a certain point where you begin to anticipate there always being turmoil- like its something you deal with every day. Which it is. But no, you gotta make a big deal out of the turmoil. You gotta turn it into a movie. You gotta make it look like there is more turmoil now than there usually is, which is BS, because the turmoil is ever-present. I mean, is this really the kind of galaxy you want to raise your younglings in? Yeesh...
Anyway all this turmoil boils down to one thing: a former Jedi named Dooku (who really couldn't be all that bad. He's a Jedi, right?) is starting some separatist movement amongst certain planets, and the Chancellor (who is really an evil, evil man! BUT DONT TELL ANYONE!) seems convinced that if you found a great ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC, all the turmoil will go away. So now, it's on the floor and about to be voted for...
PAN UP To reveal the great planet of Coruscant.
3D- Did you see that? It panned UP! It panned UP!
OLLIE- (Notes this as one of the signs of the Apocolypse).
Two small NABOO STARFIGHTERS fly in flanking the-
OLLIE- Spruce Goose?
G-LU - It's not the Spruce Goose! Really its not!
PIXIE- Right..
INT. SPRUCE GOOSE:
Two GUARDS wearing DARTH VADER helmets approach someone who looks an awful lot like AMIDALA
GUARD WITH VADER HELMET: Your majesty, this is a useless shot to throw off the audience momentarily.
AMIDALA (OR NOT?): Thank you lieutennant.
PIXIE: Throw us off?
G-LU: (Rubbing hands together in anticipation) Just wait for it. You'll see...
EXT. CORUSCANT SKYLINE:
The SPRUCE GOOSE flies through the clouds, flanked by the starfighters, and they find a place to land in the city. A ONE-EYED CAPTAIN steps out of one of the STARFIGHTERS, followed by a FEMALE PILOT, and R2-D2.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! Look! R2-D2! Our lives are now complete.
ONE-EYED CAPTAIN: Well, I guess we were wrong. There wasn't any danger at all.
FEMALE PILOT: (looks asghast) You Cycloptic idiot!
ONE-EYED CAPTAIN: What?
FEMALE PILOT: This is a frikkin Star Wars movie! Never say there isn't any danger unless you want something to-
Suddenly the SPRUCE GOOSE explodes!
FEMALE PILOT: ...explode.
VADER-HELMETED GUARD: Wilhelm!
OLLIE: Ooh! That was the Wilhelm!
PIXIE: The what?
OLLIE: The sound effect scream they use in all the Star Wars movies. It's sort of an inside joke.
PIXIE: That's retarded.
OLLIE: Not to losers like me. It makes our lives complete.
PIXIE: Lots of things make your lives complete.
3D: What makes you life complete, Pixie?
PIXIE: ...shut up.
The FEMALE PILOT, R2, and the CYCLOPS run towards the smoldering wreckage, where they find AMIDALA (OR NOT?) lying half-dead.
AMIDALA (OR NOT?): I have failed you Senator.
FEMALE PILOT removes her helmet to reveal that she is in fact PADME AMIDALA! So the other AMIDALA must have been a decoy!
AUDIENCE: Well, duh.
FEMALE PILOT: No, don't talk crazy talk, Corday. I'm the heroine, and as such, I love all my decoys dearly.
CORDAY: (dies)
OLLIE: Well, that was fast.
CYCLOPS: We have to get you to safety!
AMIDALA: But... she's wearing one of my favourite dresses.
CYCLOPS: Come on, m'lady-
PIXIE: "M'lady?"
CYCLOPS: (cont'd) Corday did her duty, now you must do yours.
AMIDALA: (sighs) Fine. (Quickly steals the jewelry off of Corday's corpse, and then runs.)
3D: Waitaminute... they're on some great big landing pad in the middle of the sky. How are they supposed to run away?
PADME, CYCLOPS, and R2 jump down a Plot Hole and pop out the other side.
3D: Nice...
G-LU: Well? Did I throw you off?
AUDIENCE: (silence)
G-LU: With the decoy thing. Wasn't that great?
AUDIENCE: (silence)
G-LU: Never saw that one coming, did you?
CRICKET: Chirp.
CROSS WIPE TO:
INT- SENATE HILL
PALPATINE, SAM JACKSON, YODA, and a few assorted JEDI sit around PALPATINE'S desk, discussing pressing matters of Galactic Security.
PALPATINE: They don't call them Quarter Pounders With Cheese on Alderaan?
SAM JACKSON: Hell no, they got the Alderaanian Weight System there, they wouldn't know what the hell a Quarter Pound was.
PALPATINE: Well what do they call it?
SAM JACKSON: A Royale With Cheese.
PALPATINE: Where'd you learn all this?
SAM JACKSON: (shrugs) Guy named Vincent.
PALPATINE: Master Yoda... could you give us a tagline for the trailers please?
YODA: The Dark Side Clouds Everything. Impossible To See, The Future Is.
PALPATINE: That works.
A hologram appears on PALPATINE's desk. It is PALPATINE's personal assistant-
OLLIE: Greedo?
G-LU: It's not really Greedo, guys.
GREEDO-CLONE: Dark Lord Sideous-
PALPATINE: Ahem! (points to the Jedi)
GREEDO-CLONE: I mean... Chancellor Palpatine, the Galactic Sucker- erm... the Loyalist Party has arrived.
PALPATINE: Send them in.
GREEDO-CLONE: And sir, the Treasurer is here to discuss the giant clone-army sized hole in the galactic budget-
PALPATINE: (Shuts off the hologram. Grins sheepishly to the Jedi) It's so hard to find good help these days...
The GALACTIC SUCKER PARTY enters, consisting of PADME, JAR-JAR, EMMY AWARD WINNING ACTOR JIMMY SMITTS, and a bunch of other SENATORS.
AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: Say, isn't that Benjamin Bratt from Law & Order?
AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: No, it's that Jimmy guy from "L.A. Law."
AUDIENCE MEMBER #3: I thought he was Bobby on "NYPD Blue…"
YODA: Senator Amidala, Your Incident On The Landing Pad: Tragic. Seeing You Alive Brings Warm Feelings To My Heart.
3D: Why is everything Yoda says capitalized?
PIXIE: Because he's cooler than everybody else.
3D: Fair enough.
PADME: Do you have any idea who is behind this? I really liked that Spruce Goose.
SAM JACKSON: We think it was disgruntled Spice Miners on one of the moons of Naboo.
OLLIE: Heaven help us, the Spice Miners are disgruntled.
PADME: I think it was... Count Dooku.
The room goes silent. The JEDI and PALPATINE exchange a few awkward glances before bursting into howling laughter.
RANDOM JEDI #1: Don't be ridiculous!
JEDI #2: Dooku? Right.
PALPATINE: (mocking, with limp wrists) 'Look, guys! I'm Dooku! I'm going to go blow things up now!' Hah!
PADME: Stop it! Stop laughing at me! I mean, it is a possibility... He's supposed to be the bad guy, right?.
SAM JACKSON: Count Dooku would never try to assassinate anyone. He's a Jedi! It's not in his character... dumbass.
A second wave of laughter runs through the room.
OLLIE: That Padme. What an idiot.
3D: I know! I mean "Count Dooku?"
PIXIE: Who would actually suspect the bad guy of being a bad guy?
PADME: It isn't that funny, guys... seriously, he's trying to split up the Republic, do you really think he couldn't blow up one ship?
SAM JACKSON: No! He's a Jedi!
PIXIE: Are we actually supposed to by buying into this?
G-LU: Quiet! There may be some people in the audience who haven't figured it out yet.
AUDIENCE: ...well, actually...
PADME: Well, if it isn't him, who do you think it is?
YODA: One Thing Is Certain: In Grave Danger, You Are
PADME: You didn't answer my question.
ANOTHER JEDI: Well, of course not... dumbass!
The Jedi continue pointing and laughing at PADME.
PADME: I'm leaving.
PALPATINE: Wait, wait, wait... before you go, I want you to know that I am putting you under the guard of a Jedi.
PADME: Chancellor Palpatine, I don't believe-
PALPATINE: (cuts her off, with obscure infliction) That the, situ-ay-tion is… that: serious? No but I! do, Sen`ator...
Off camera, a cue-card boy makes a correction, and switches the cards.
PALPATINE: (suddenly with normal vocal infliction) Perhaps someone you know... An old friend like... Master Kenobi, the Superhero.
A man walks in the door holding a portrait of DARTH MAUL with a plaque labelled "In Loving Memory." PALPATINE quickly shoos him away.
SAM JACKSON: That will work. He just got back from a border dispute on Antion.
PADME: Antion? Where's that.
G-LU: Over there! Let me show you!
PADME: Never mind.
PALPATINE: Please, do it for me, m'lady-
PIXIE: "M'lady?"
PALPATINE: (cont'd) the thought of losing you (awkward pause) is unbearable.
A moment of reflective silence falls over the room.
PALPATINE: (cont'd) You dumbass!
Everyone begins laughing... except PADME.
PADME: You're a very sad, strange man.
PALPATINE: I know. (Realizes a folder labelled "Plans for Evil Galactic Empire" is sitting in plain view on desk, and nonchalantly knocks it over and into a trash can).
CROSS WIPE TO:
INT. CORUSCANT ELEVATOR:
OBI-WAN KENOBI and ANAKIN SKYWALKER are riding up to PADME's private quarters, having been assigned to her guard.
OLLIE: It's Obi-Wan!
PIXIE: Ooh! My life is now complete.
OLLIE: You really like Ewan McGregor, don't you?
PIXIE: Three words: Goldmine, glitter, bouncing.
3D: I... don't want to know.
OBI-WAN: You seem nervous.
ANAKIN: (Bratty whining voice) Well, I'm not nervous.
OBI-WAN: I haven't seen you this tense since our encounter with some obscure monster on some obscure planet.
3D: How obscure.
ANAKIN: (Bratty whining voice) Master, YOU got us into that mess, I saved us.
OBI-WAN: Oh, yes.... Heh-heh-heh.
AUDIENCE: Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.
OBI-WAN: Heh-heh-heh-heh-HAH-heh-heh.
AUDIENCE: Ha-hahah-ha-ha-hahahahah!
OBI-WAN & AUDIENCE: Bwa-ha-hah-hah-heehee-ha-ha-hah-hah-ho-ho, Ha-ha-ha-ha!
ANAKIN: (Bratty whining voice) Why do you do that? You get the whole audience laughing with you.
OBI-WAN: Because I can. People love me.
ANAKIN:(Bratty whining voice) I could do it too, if I wanted to.
PIXIE: No you couldn't. People don't love you.
OBI-WAN: You're sweating! Relax!
ANAKIN: (Bratty whining voice) I haven't seen her in eight years.
3D: And here you go, breaking her good luck streak.
INT. PADME'S PRIVATE QUARTERS
JAR-JAR goes toward the elevator door, which is rigged with a death trap to come slamming down on him. For some reason, however, it does not spring when he hits the trip line.
PADME: This just has not been my day...
The door opens, and OBI-WAN and ANAKIN step out.
JAR-JAR: Obi? Obeee!
OLLIE: Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the theater...
JAR-JAR leans forward to hug OBI-WAN.
OBI-WAN: What are you doing?
JAR-JAR: Meesa giving you welcomin' hug.
OBI-WAN: Don't touch me, freak.
JAR-JAR: Um... lookie, lookie, Senator. Deesa Jedi arrivin'.
The JEDI meet up with PADME.
PADME: Obi-Wan, how are you? Still a mild-mannered reporter for the Daily Planet?
OBI-WAN: (eyes shift) ...yes.
PADME: (surprised) Ani?
3D: Oh, dear God.
ANAKIN's eyes have been replaced by giant pink hearts
ANAKIN: Are... you an... angel?
OLLIE: (hides his head in the popcorn bowl) Tell me when it's over.
PADME: My, you've grown.
PIXIE: There's something to be said about that last line, but even I don't take ones that easy.
ANAKIN: (Bratty whining voice) (please note that from this point on, it is implied that all of Anakin's lines are delivered in a Bratty whining voice) You've grown too... more beautiful, that is... well, for a Senator I mean.
G-LU: Isn't it romantic, everyone?
AUDIENCE: Kill us all, now.
PADME: You'll always be that cute little boy from Tatooine to me, Ani.
PIXIE: Hah! Shut-DOWN!
OLLIE: Take that, you horny little prick.
OBI-WAN: We are going to do everything in our power to defend you, m'lady-
PIXIE: "M'lady?"
OBI-WAN: -but I'm afraid I don't want to do any investigation, as that will allow ,my Padawan the opportunity to create a plot point a plot point.
ANAKIN: I am hereby making a plot point out of my desire to discover who is trying to kill you.
OBI-WAN: And I am counter-pointing your plot point by declaring my desire to abide by our orders.
ANAKIN: And I am re-countering by saying that we are, as Jedi, more important than mere guards and as such need not abide by said rules.
MERE GUARD: Hey, that's not-
ANAKIN: (raises left hand and force-chokes the MERE GUARD).
OBI-WAN: We will not be going through this exercise again, Anakin.
OLLIE: Nope. The only exercise we're doing is Sweatin' to the Oldies.
3D: Or Tae-Bo.
PIXIE: Or Ju-jitsu.
PADME: Acually, I think that I know who is behind this.
ANAKIN: Really? Who?
PADME: Well... it might be Count Dooku.
ANAKIN: Dooku?
OBI-WAN: If you say so... (to himself) dumbass.
PADME: Perhaps with your mere presence, the mystery surrounding these events will be revealed.
3D: George, how can you actually write a sentence like that and not laugh.
G-LU: I... er.... well....
PADME: Now, if you'll excuse me, I shall retire.
JAR-JAR: Ooh! Meesa get to be Senator now?
PADME: No, freak, I meant retire to my room.
PADME walks toward the door, when she suddenly hits the trip-line for JAR-JAR's death trap. A giant axe comes sweeping down and cleaves her in two.
OBI-WAN: M'lady!
MEMBER OF PADME'S ENTOURAGE: Don't worry. She was a decoy. I'm the real Padme.
OBI-WAN: (a little confused) Oh...umm, Okay.
G-LU: Gotcha again! It was another decoy!
CRICKET: Chirp.
JAR-JAR: (to Anakin) Meesa burstin' with happiness seein' yousa again, Ani.
PIXIE: Too bad you're not just plain old bursting.
ANAKIN: I've thought about her every day for the past eight years, Jar-Jar. And she still looks at me as if I were a little boy.
JAR-JAR: She'sa happy. She'sa happier than meesa seen her in a longo time.
PIXIE: Can we just kill him now, and get it over with?
OLLIE: (Gruff fatherly voice) Ah, m'dear Ani, but you are just a wee little boy, and a damn dirty one at that. Sure, she might think you as insignificant, disturbing, obsessive, sulking, bratty, whiny, obnoxious, childish, that you have a deep dark evil lurking in your soul, and that you give off these spooky stalker vibes. But at least she's seeing the truth.
OBI-WAN: Be conscious of your thoughts, Anakin, you're focusing on the negative.
OLLIE: Yes, that too.
OBI-WAN: She was happy to see us, Anakin.
3D: How can you tell? I didn't pick up any emotion at all from her. Perhaps if Natalie Portman had talent.
ANAKIN: Happier to see me than you.
OBI-WAN: Don't count on it.
JAR-JAR: Ani? Wanna go to Denny's and hang like oldo times?
ANAKIN: Go home, freak.
IRIS OUT:
Coming Soon:
…um… the rest of the parody.
What do you want from me, a title?