Purely a crackfic. Absolute crack. And does contain some Tony Stark/Steve Rogers mentioning at the end.

Oh, please enjoy :D

Being secretly married to a man who lives thousands of years in the past wasn't exactly the prime example of a perfectly happy and content relationship.

Well, that's what Tony Stark thought as he slammed to the hard snowy ground, issuing a loud grunt and cursing everything from the gods his husband believed in to the gods he didn't. Why couldn't his life be easy? Really? Did everything have to be bloody difficult?

Of course it did. He was Tony bloody Stark.

He let out a long, disturbed sigh as he lay there. He refused to get up, move or do anything until he'd had his moment of self pitying. It's not like his husband would mind, he did it every time as a sort of stupid ritual. Land face first on the hard cold ground, swear so much that a sailor would blush, curse and growl, wallow in self pity before getting up to go find his husband for a good shag.

Or wait for his husbands wife to come find him.

His life was screwed up.

"So you did make it then." Oh he hated her voice, he hated her actually. She was nothing but a stupid dumb broad really. He had to admit though, she was pretty good for being there to help disguise the forbidden relationship he was in. Despite being used, she didn't seem to have a problem being married to a gay guy.

"Lovely to see you too, Catelyn," he grounded out, staring at the ground as if to blame it for all of his stinking problems. He knew he was being rude, not even raising his head, but quite frankly he really didn't care.

Rough hands grabbed him and yanked him up. Great, she'd brought along her sons. Well, only one was hers. The other was a bastard and the third was just a ward of his husbands.

"Tony!" He turned his head and saw the bastard looking at him, a grin all over his face as he grabbed his arm in that weird typical handshake. "Great to see you again!"

"You too, Jon," he replied, not at all fazed by the rough way he was handled. He'd done it more than a few times, so it wasn't as a big a shock. Jon grinned again before pulling him over to the other two standing by Catelyn, who had a clear disapproving gaze. Who it was aimed for, Tony didn't know. She hated him for… well for a lot of things and she always viewed Jon Snow as a piece of evidence her husband was unfaithful.

Yeah, because Tony wasn't a screaming reminder too.

Frankly, Tony liked Jon. He hadn't cared his husband had shacked up with another. He'd minded about Catelyn, because he hated her, but the kids were great, and she really was there first. And it wasn't like he hadn't played around with other girls back in his own time either. They were as bad as each other, except Tony had access to condoms.

"Tony!"

"Theon."

Another rough handshake as well as a slap on the back. Tony liked the ward of his husband, Theon Greyjoy. He held a certain kinship with the guy, both of them being outcasts and hated by Catelyn. What the hell made Catelyn even bring the two if she disliked them? The only one here that she held any sort of positive feelings for was her son.

"Ah, Robb, its been a while." He flashed the stoic boy standing by his mother a quick grin.

"Stark," was the no nonsense reply, but Tony caught the small wink sent his way. Robb liked him, just not in front of his mother. Best to keep on her good side, despite the fact she was useless and would probably more than likely kill her husband one day in the act of attempting to save him.

Idiot.

It'd taken a few more minutes for them to get moving, having to wait for Tony to accept the heavy coat from Jon to hide his clothes until they got back to Winterfell, an hours ride from here, as well as shut down the time machine he had latched to his wrist before shoving it into his pocket.

"No Pepper this time?" Jon asked as he helped -his stepfather? God knows what he was to the kids.- up onto a horse. It took Tony a second to readjust before shaking his head at the other.

"She decided to sit this one. Something about sitting with Catelyn as she practically explodes while me and your dad canoodle didn't sit right with her."

"Really? Sounds like fun to me."

Tony laughed at Theon's reply, knowing full well the kid would most like high tail it out of there as soon as he saw Catelyn's face when they enter Winterfell. Personally he enjoyed it, every single time, and once he'd even smuggled a camera through the time machine just to take a photo.

It was hung up on his wall at home. He showed it to Pepper every day.

The rest of the ride was quiet until they were about ten minutes away, when two horses were riding towards them.

"Oi, you three!" Jon was suddenly bellowing, and Tony rolled his eyes. Couldn't they just wait until they got to them instead of clucking like some chicken hyped up on cocaine or something like that? Honestly, yelling was pointless.

He didn't listen to the rest of whatever Jon was prattling about, probably something like school, instead he looked at the approaching riders. He wished one was his husband, but saw three more of his children instead.

"Sansa my dear," he instantly began as soon as the riders approached, "Looking as lovely as ever."

The red head blushed furiously, not able to handle the wink sent her way. Tony remembered being told she had a bit of a crush on him. Must be his good looks and incredible charm. He wasn't lacking in those two areas.

"And Bran and Arya! What a surprise! Both strong and handsome," he turned his attention to the other two on the other horse. He heard Catelyn's growl behind him, probably about making Arya masculine sounding but hell. The girl loved it. And if it wasn't that, it was probably about the fact he was even daring to talk to the children.

"Tony! It's about time!" Arya called out from atop her steed, and Tony was surprised at her loud voice. Well, she'd always been loud but now it was more stronger. "Father's being moping about you for days."

"Dear old Dad," Tony tsked, grinning at her. "Such a woman sometimes."

"Oh, we all know who the woman is…" Jon mumbled beside him, and instantly Tony was firetruck red.

"At least I'm getting some!"

"Say that to my face!"

Tony rolled his eyes again, clearly Jon wasn't one for comebacks, before taking off to avoid the hands reaching out to claw him. His horse pulled itself into a gallop, sprinting for the gates of Winterfell at a breakneck pace, and outrunning Jon's horse by far. Not that Jon wanted to be there for when Tony crashed into his father. No one wanted to see that.

The horse hadn't even fully come to halt in the yard before Tony was jumping off, grinning at the stablehands who vaguely recognized him as "Lord Stark", the 'cousin' of their own Lord before he was racing away towards the doors that held the huge hall and his delightful husband.

"Ned!" he cried, flinging open the doors, barreling down the room before all but throwing himself at his husband, Eddard Stark, in a bone crushing hug.

Okay, rewind. Right to the start.

Many years ago, about six to be precise, Tony Stark had gotten bored in his continuous life of making machine after machine that never really got him more than bucket loads of money, so he decided why not do something that was fun? Funner than the Iron Man suit? So the idea of a time machine had popped up. Of course, Tony had been toying with the idea for years, even making blue prints for one, but it wasn't until absolute boredom hit did he decided to actually do something about it.

Thats why less than a year later he'd miraculously gone flying through a vortex until he'd hit the 15th century where he hit the ground right in between a three way sword battle between Jon, Robb and Theon.

The insanity continued.

As soon as Tony had been scrapped off the ground, he'd been dragged before the Lord Stark, ruler of Winterfell. For a moment he'd wondered if he'd created something that led him to a parallel universe, or he was meeting an ancestor because frankly the name 'Stark' was rare and Eddard Stark was closer to having a god like appearance, a roughly ragged god like appearance, than the scum sucking toe raggy ones he'd expected. Devilishly charming good looks were what his family did best.

Then Catelyn happened.

He'd never wanted to hit a woman in his life until her big fat snobby face was in his demanding everything left, right and center, and when he found out she was Eddard's wife he couldn't help but wonder why he didn't go Henry the Eighth on her ass and lop off her head. She was nightmare, annoying and pesky.

It'd shut her up though when he'd woken up to see her husband missing only to see him later in Tony's cell having the daylights snogged out of him.

Tony'd been released as a prisoner, introduced as Lord Starks cousin, hence the similar names, and the two males had promptly began to hump like bunnies, much to the disgust of Catelyn and amusement of everyone else in the Stark family. Specifically Jon and Theon, who enjoyed watching their adoptive mother twist and snarl and their father be content with happiness. No one else really minded, Tony got along great with the kids, even Rickon who'd been a surprise one time he'd come to visit. Eddard had quickly said it was just a one time thing and Catelyn was really fertile blah blah blah, but Tony shut off and swung the kid in an airplane movement, making the other man smile.

They'd gotten married after two years of Tony coming every month for weeks at a time.

How'd they gotten around Catelyn? Actually, why hadn't Catelyn packed a fit before all this?

Tony didn't know. Eddard had popped the question and he'd asked about Catelyn but Eddard had said that it was sorted. Apparently they'd made some deal to allow Eddard to be with Tony and her and it was all too complicated so Tony just snogged the man and demanded sex.

Sex is never the question. Always the answer.

So that lead them to where they were, snogging the hell out of each other all over again in the main hall of the House of Stark, attempting to not fall over from the vigorous face battle and really not succeeding.

"Really? We gave you five minutes and you're still going at it?"

"Give it a rest Robb, they haven't seen each other for ages."

"But it's Father!"

"And I'm your brother, and you don't care if I snog a girl in front of you for ten minutes."

"Thats because you don't."

"Theon had sex in front of you."

"… the nightmares."

Tony broke away from his husband, trying not to moan delightedly as Eddard moved to suck on his neck, and instead looked at Jon and Robb standing by the door, trying to choose whether to glare at each other or the PDAing couple in the middle of the hall.

"Do you two mind? I'd rather have kinky mouth sex with your father in peace."

The two were gone in seconds.

"Cheeky, my love," Eddard growled in his ear before placing a kiss on Tony's nose, making the other wrinkle it. Tony wasn't normally one for sweet displays of love. He was the type of guy who liked things hard and fast, the type who would demand to be thrown down on a table and be ravished intensely so. The type who would be happy with handcuffs and ropes, as long as he could use them. Although, Eddard using them would be alright maybe… if the guy didn't see it as some form of torturing his love which would be horrible and cruel! While he'd stand there morally beating himself up, Tony would be practically orgasming from the idea that Eddard would dominant him more than normal.

Kinky.

He wanted some rope.

"Hey Ned-"

"And now you're scaring my son!" Oh great, the Matriarch was back, fan-freaking-tastic. "Really Ned? I am getting tired of this!"

Tony sighed as Eddard pulled away, walking over to whisper things in Catelyn's ear. He didn't care what was said, he didn't care if more deals were being made or if Eddard was telling Catelyn to ram her own head up her ass so it came out her stupid fat gob, because all he did care about was Eddard finding them some place to have kinky man time.

Or some rope.

"No! No Ned! This can not keep going! People are going to begin assuming things."

"Catelyn-"

"No buts-"

Heh, butts. Something that Tony wanted right now.

"-Ned. This is not okay anymore. Tell him to go. We have the children to worry about, a household to run, and a reputation to uphold!"

"I am upholding it!"

"By having an affair?"

"We made a deal."

"And I'm breaking it. Make him leave, or I will."

Tony sighed as he watched the termagant turn and storm out, her dress and cape billowing out dramatically behind her. He thought he heard a quiet "ow" come from when she threw open the doors, but it must've been his imagination. Only the three oldest boys would dare eavesdrop.

Oh great.

"Eddard…" he sighed as he stepped forward, raising a hand to touch his husbands face. When he saw the handsome man's expression though, he stopped, nibbling his bottom lip.

"I'm sorry, Tony."

"It's okay." And really it was. Tony knew this day was going to happen. Catelyn was bound to pack a fit over it one day, and when she did it would be huge. Truth be told, Tony hadn't expected their relationship to last this long in the first place, over five years, but he didn't really want it to end.

"I… I don't know what to say."

"Well…" Tony wrapped his arms around his husbands neck, trying to not let his sadness show. "You could scream my name. Many times."

…

Who knew that being absolutely ravished but a man in a completely different century to you would be the perfect medicine to being upset?

Well, sex is the answer.

Tony sighed from where he was snuggled into Eddard's side. Really, if they had such things as smokes back in this time, he could see Eddard chomping on a cigar while wrapping an arm around his bitch, or Tony in this case. Tony normally had the bitches though, but he was fine with being the bitch at the moment.

He'd just been shagged after all. He was a lot more open to many things.

"You know, we don't have to stop," Eddard finally spoke up after a while, lips pursed in a thoughtful pout and Tony had the urge to reach up and kiss it away.

Sex made him corny. Dammit.

"Depends one whether you want to unleash slutfaces-" he stuck his tongue out at Eddard's unimpressed look, "-wrath or not. She'll kill you if you don't drop this."

"She can't kill me."

"Not on purpose. But she's an idiot. She'll do it somehow."

"You've always said that. Its never happened."

"Maybe because I'm here? I made a time machine, I pretty sure I can make something that will make her extremely nonexistent."

"Do you think before you speak, Tony?" Eddard asked fondly, ruffling the others hair and smiling when Tony leant into the touch.

"Sometimes."

They laughed together quietly, both content to just sit in each others presence. They both knew that Eddard had been fishing, wondering if Tony knew of a way to keep him here, but both also knew it couldn't happen without Catelyn not being a stuck up pain in the ass. Really, it couldn't. So they just relaxed together.

To begin with.

"You could come back with me."

Eddard's booming laugh echoed through the chambers, and Tony had to cover his ears, both in pain and in hurt. The laugh was oddly mocking and he felt like sinking back into the pillow to avoid the shame that would come over him when Eddard would see the blush on his cheeks.

"Oh Tony! Surely you jest!"

His husband was so stupid sometimes. But Tony forced a smile, "Sure. Yeah. I'm a jester. Look at me and laugh, haha."

"Oh good! I thought you might've been serious! But of course not, you know that I would not fit in your time let alone actually like it." And then he went off laughing again.

Yep. Complete moron.

"Well, if thats how you feel…" Tony muttered as he got up, pulling his clothes on. His clothes. Not the dark age ones they'd shoved him in. It surprised him a little though that it took until he was fully clothed for Eddard to realise what was happening.

"You're leaving already?" he asked, arms and body wrapping around him from behind, and Tony felt himself shiver as Eddard's breath tickled the back of his neck.

"I have work to do," he lied, trying and failing to push away.

Eddard whirled him around, eyes roaming over Tony's thinly pressed together lips and curled up fists before he pouted. "It can't wait? Am I not important?"

Oh lord, Tony had never wanted to deck someone so much in his life.

"No."

Eddard reeled back, hands leaving Tony completely as he stood, still completely starkers (and Tony would later giggle about the pun), in front of him, shock on his face. His eyes slowly narrowed though, lips pursed and anger was all that was on his face in a manner of minutes.

"Why?"

"Because you don't sacrifice anything for me," Tony muttered, glaring just as fiercely.

"If this about me not coming back-"

"Of course it is!"

"I'm important here, Tony! I can't leave my family!"

"Bring them with you!"

"Because I can. They'd hate it in your world."

"You don't even know what my world is like."

"I do. Its a world filled with hate where one man doesn't even think twice about ripping a mans heart out and replacing it with some vile piece of metal that glows in the dark! A world where one does not appreciate the body and will happily destroy it."

He didn't see the punch coming.

And as Tony stormed out, crashing into the rest of them who'd all migrated over to hear the fight, he threw three simple words over his should.

"Fuck you, Stark."

…

He only really missed the kids now. The hatred for Eddard having already disappeared as well as the love he'd once held for him. He now felt numb thinking about him, but he always pushed it aside.

It didn't stop him in the way of finding another. And he'd felt odd at first in courting Steve Rogers, but anger towards Eddard had fueled the feelings for the 1940's man, the man out of his time yet still strove to try understand it.

At least he viewed Tony as more important than anything else.

And thats why, in the middle of the night when JARVIS had woken him up, telling him Eddard had died and that ultimately it had been Catelyn's fault, he'd laughed.

And cried.

But mostly just laughed at the ex-husband he used to think was the most brilliant man.

So I like Ned, I really do. But seriously? I always thought he was an idiot. So why not!

This orginated from my friend and I discussing the loving Starkness between the two, and she asked me to write it. I think she was being sarcastic but hey! Why not!

Hope you enjoyed :)