Patient: Joker - Unrepetant Homicidal Maniac
Written for Mark Hamill, the one and only Joker, on his 61st birthday, 25/09/2012
Stop me if you've heard this one, but it's a real killer. A guy walks into an interview room and his shrink says "So tell me about your childhood." And the guy says "I don't remember my childhood." But the doc won't leave it alone, cause he's read in some book that all a guy's problems originate in their childhood. So he keeps asking the guy, and the guy keeps telling him he don't remember. So they send another doctor in, who asks the guy the same question, and he keeps giving them the same answer. And so they send in another, and another, and another, until finally the guy snaps and goes on a killing spree and murders them all. Hahahahahahahaha! You're not laughing. You don't think it's funny? C'mon, it's hysterical! I hate explaining jokes and all, but I guess you don't get it, because otherwise you would have laughed. It's impossible not to. The doctors drove the guy crazy, you see? With all their stupid, annoying, repetative questions. The doctors who were meant to cure him actually drove him nuts. That's funny. C'mon, it really is.
Geez, of all the doctors in this joint, and they stick me with the one without a sense of humor. They really are trying to drive me crazy. I guess that makes the joke even more funny, because things are funnier when they're true. Y'know, like observational comedy. So, what's the deal with airplane food? That kinda thing. All it takes to get me in hysterics is for someone to mention Batman. Just the thought of the guy cracks me up. Observational humor, y'see? So what's the deal with Batman? Hahahahahahahaha!
Ok, doc, let's get to it. Hit me with the questions. Metaphorically speaking, of course, although I think I might prefer it if you could do it literally. It would probably be less painful for us both too, although I'm not usually a guy who minds a little pain. Just ask the Bat. His punches can't knock the smile off my face. But you should see him when he's beating me up. His eyes, his deep soulless eyes, are alight with happiness. No normal guy gets that kinda joy from kicking the crap out of another guy. He's a real sicko, Bats. I love the guy, but he's crazy.
Yeah, you're right, I do talk a lot about Batman. Well, I can't help it. He's the focus of my life. It's not really intentional – it's just that I'm determined to have my fun, and he's determined to stop me having it. So he's always a consideration no matter what I plan. I know he's always going to show up and try to stop me, so I have to really incorporate him into every aspect of my life and plans, just so he doesn't come as a nasty, unexpected surprise. And sometimes I just like to give the guy a reward for all his dedication, y'know? He works real hard, and no matter how futile it might be in the long run, you have to admire his commitment to his cause. It's almost as impressive as mine. But we're more alike than people think, me and Bats. We're both crazy, I mean, you can't deny that. He dresses up as a flying rodent every night, for God's sake! And he hangs around children a lot. I ain't a man to judge, but I can't help wondering why the kids. That's more than crazy – it's also selfish. Taking poor innocent orphans off the streets and sending them to do dangerous work fighting crime – it's nuts! And seriously, why the kids? Wouldn't adults be more effective anyway? Kids aren't old enough to consent to this kinda stuff, they don't really understand the dangers. I mean, I bet Robin regretted ever signing up with the Bat when I beat his brains in with a crowbar. Don't get me wrong, it was a lot of fun for me, but on reflection it's funny to think Bats brainwashed an underage minor and sent him to his doom. Doesn't really seem like the kinda thing a superhero should be doing. Seems kinda manipulative and wrong, when you think about it. In the end, me killing Robin should have sent Bats a strong message about putting children in danger. But did he learn that lesson? Nope. He's a bit of an idiot, really – a couple bats short of the belfry. All brawn and no brain.
Me? Manipulating kids? I ain't never done that! Oh, you mean Harley. She ain't a kid. Age of consent is eighteen, last I checked. It is, isn't it? Don't tell me I've been committing a crime without knowing it all this time! That would be hilarious! Sorry, Harley, baby, I can't rev you up, it would be criminal! Hahahahahahahahahaha! Oh, it is eighteen. See, I ain't doing anything wrong. Sure, she's a lot younger than me, but she's old enough to know what she's doing. Anyway, I didn't manipulate her. I just told her the truth. She was sitting there, just where you're sitting, looking at me just like you are, her big, baby blue eyes wide and trusting, and I told her stuff. Not the whole truth – always leave dames wanting more, that's my motto. But enough of the truth. And she's a smart kid, smart enough to figure out the rest. Yep, she was sitting just there, at least for the first few sessions. Then she came over here, closer to me. And closer. And that's when I kissed her. And then, well, y'know, we made good use of this sofa. Gotta compliment the craftsmanship of this thing – it can put up with a lot of pounding. But then so can Harley. Sweet kid, really. And people call me crazy, but what man in his right mind wouldn't prefer that doll as a sidekick to the Boy Blunder? I think I'm actually losing the crazy competition to Batsy. That's a real kicker. Hahahahahahahaha!
Do I love Harley? Wow, what a question. And here I thought we were going to try to talk about my childhood again. Don't think any doctor's ever asked me that one before. You get points for originality, Doc, so congrats. Do I love Harley? Yeah, sure I do. A comedian likes a captive audience, and that's exactly what Harley is. She's my number one fan, she laughs at all my jokes, hangs on my every word, does all that groupie stuff. She's a peach, really. And sometimes a joke works better when it's a double-act, y'know, like "Who's on First?" Oh sure, she gets on my nerves a lot. An awful lot. But you slap her around some and she usually stops. I've tried to kill her more times than I can count, but the little minx always manages to survive and find me again. Yeah, she tends to cling, so sometimes you have to beat her so she physically can't cling any more. But she makes life fun in her own special way. I guess that's love, ain't it?
It ain't? What is it, then? Aw, don't give me all that crap! Sweet and tender and self-sacrificing, my ass! You ever met anyone who was in a relationship for the other person? People love other people because they're selfish, Doc! Because the other people make them feel better about themselves, not because they care about the other people! You married? Yeah? You love your wife? Yeah? You know why? Because she makes you feel good. Because you get something out of your relationship. Let me ask you something now – if your wife cheated on you, what would you do? What would all your friends tell you to do? They'd tell you to get some self-respect back and leave the bitch. Self-respect, that's the key. You only want to be with her as long as she makes you feel good about yourself – the moment she does something that don't make you feel good about yourself, you'd dump her like a brick. You wanna tell me I'm wrong? Just think about it for a moment. I know people, Doc – I'm a kind of psychiatrist, just like you. I know people. They're selfish, above all other things. You can't blame them – it's an evolutionary asset. It's all about self-preservation. The self is always the most important thing, and so it should be. If it isn't, you're crazy. Like Batman. He ain't selfish, but he's out of his fricking mind.
Am I obsessed with Batman? Yeah, I guess I am. Like I said, it's more of a necessity than anything else. And he's also a lot like me. See, unlike some of us, I admit that I am the most important thing in my life. I'm obsessed with me. And Bats reminds me of me, in many ways. Like I said, he is slightly crazier. It's hard for me to admit that, as King of Crazy, but it's true. He's a hypocrite too. He locks up people like me for taking the law into our own hands, but that's exactly what he does. The only difference is that the authorities have decided he's the good kind of vigilante, and we're the bad kind. It's arbitrary and nonsensical. But that's life, really. It's a mad, mad, mad world, Doc. You have to adapt to suit it, y'know? That's what Bats and I have done. Harley too. We're just waiting for the rest of you losers to catch up, and I must say, you're taking your sweet time. I guess they do let just anyone into med school these days. You don't have to be exceptionally bright, do you?
I mean, gotta hand it to you for the original question, but there ain't nothing special about you, is there? You're a pretty average guy, really. Let's see – grew up in Gotham, lower East side, slightly above average student, scholarship to Gotham University, where you met your wife, Ellen, is it? Finished med school, interned at various mental institutions, eventually ending up here at Arkham, but you've got plans to leave, since you're not happy here. I don't blame you – it's not the most pleasant place, the facilities leave much to be desired, but it's home. Plus you're stressed at work – everyone is here, because we're all incurable. And that's making you irritable and cranky toward Ellen, and you don't want to be like that to her, especially since you two are trying for a baby. She's not too eager to give up the goods when you keep shouting at her, although Harley finds it quite the turn on. Maybe you could try slapping her around instead? Dames like a man who can give them a hand now and again! Hahahahahahahaha!
How do I know all this? I make it my business to find out all about every doctor who comes to work here. It's been useful in the past, y'know, for blackmail purposes. But I've got nothing to blackmail you with, Doc. You're clean as a whistle. You should feel proud of yourself. Although you're not very useful to me with no record, and I don't generally tolerate things that aren't useful to me. So it's nothing personal, Doc, really, strictly a professional thing. But at least you'll die knowing your conscience is clear, and in the end, isn't that the most important thing? It'll give you some comfort when you're lying bleeding on the floor. I hope. Otherwise you'll just realize you've wasted your life. Which would actually be really funny to me. And hopefully to you. Hopefully you'll finally get a sense of humor when you realize that death's the greatest joke of all. The greatest and final joke that life plays on all of us. Makes you want to laugh, doesn't it?
Ah, here's Harley now! Gotta hand it to the kid, she's got great timing. Thanks for busting me out, dollface. Car ready? That's my girl! Gun? Thanks, baby. Let's roll, kiddo. Sorry to leave you hanging, Doc. Or rather, to leave you with a bullet in your gut. Any last questions for me?
Why am I doing this? That's easy. It's funny. Don't you remember the joke at the beginning of our session? About the shrinks driving the guy crazy because they wouldn't stop asking the same stupid questions? You remember the punchline? Murderous rampage? That's right. Like I said, it's a real killer! Don't worry, I'll stop by and see Ellen and tell her what happened to you, then send her to join you. Since she's so selflessly in love with you, she should be really excited to die with you. That's all right, no need to thank me, and I wouldn't waste the limited breath I had left if I were you. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than uniting two hearts in love, ain't that right, Harley girl? She's right – I'm a real hero. Just like Batman. Only less crazy. Seriously, next time he stops by here, he should be locked up with the rest of the crazies. Sadistic, egotistical maniac with delusions of grandeur – I'm no shrink, but that's pretty obvious even to me. And people actually have faith in the guy. Did you? Did you believe Batman would keep you safe? You don't have to speak – just nod. Aw, isn't that cute? But if you put your faith in psychos, you're bound to be disappointed. We're not the most dependable of people. Well, actually, I am. You can depend on me to be funny, to make people laugh and smile at the absurdity and chaos of the world. And you can depend on Bats to try his best to stop me. But you wanna know the real kicker? The world is on my side, Doc. The whole world is one big joke! Think about that when I'm gone. It'll make you smile! It'll make you laugh. Enjoy the last laugh, Doc! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!