I haven't written any fanfiction in years, but somehow I ended up working on this. I'm not thrilled with it; I would like to re-read and change and edit this story a million times before posting, but in order to be timely and post this before the episode airs, it has to be done today. I think they may be a bit out of character and also I know the conclusion seems a bit rushed, like everything works out so well so quickly, but I wasn't sure how else to do it in a one-shot! (I actually don't like the way this ends much at all, but hopefully it's not too bad!) Feel free to leave comments of constructive criticism or if you have something nice to say then that's great too! If you're interested in reading any other fics that I wrote years ago, see my bio for info!
I don't know the exact timeline of how long it's been since Amelia was in rehab/gave birth/etc. but I'm going with about 2 years. There's a rationale behind that, which I could explain if you want, but I didn't want to bore you with anything more in the author's note than there already is. Also, all the medical stuff is just from my head aside from one sentence – I don't know what procedure Derek and Amelia are performing in this story or what's wrong with the patient!
Also, there's an article on E! today and this episode and it calls Derek McJerk – I wrote this story with "McJerky" almost a week ago, so I'm not stealing; maybe they took my idea, haha!
Warning: Some spoilery stuff for episode 7, which hasn't aired yet. I watched the US and Canadian promo, and then took liberties from there, so part of the storyline is similar to what we know is going to happen, but like 98% of it is just made up; it's not even what I think will happen, just whatever happened to come out as I was typing!
Zola stopped playing with her figurine and turned her attention to the adults.
"Look, Auntie 'Melia, a horsie!"
Amelia glanced in her direction in between spoon-feeding mashed sweet potatoes into Bailey's mouth. "Neigh neigh!" she joked.
Meredith started chopping the vegetables she had just grabbed from the fridge. Derek walked in and greeted everyone, "I'm home!" He gave Meredith a quick kiss hello.
"Hey, Zo-Zo! What do you have there?"
"A horsie!"
Meredith looked up. "Close, honey, but see the horn on its head? That means it's a unicorn."
"Oh, a uneecown, I like it!" she decided after looking closer.
Derek laughed. "Hey, Amy, remember how obsessed you were with unicorns when you were younger?"
She gave a quick nod and an "Mm-hm" and went back to feeding Bailey.
"What was it you said? That they were magical?"
"I guess. I barely remember." She curtly replied, hoping they would change the subject.
"I bet Addison would remember. You always roped her into playing unicorns with you!"
"Bailey's done with his dinner." She hopped up to put the spoon in the dishwasher and the empty jar in the recycling bin. "I think I left my phone upstairs. Be down in a minute." She headed towards the staircase.
Derek looked quizzically at Meredith. "She got out of here fast!"
She shrugged. "You're the type of person who talks fondly about your childhood. Amelia is like me – we just don't talk about it at all, if we can avoid it."
"But she always seems to enjoy conversations about childhood during the holidays, especially when we get to gang up on one of our other sisters and tease her about one of her ex-boyfriends or something she thought she had gotten away with!"
Meredith shrugged again. "She was fine until you got here!"
"Story of my life!" he joked. "I'm gonna go put my stuff away and get ready for dinner." Derek headed upstairs.
Amelia placed flowers at Ryan Kerrigan's grave and then looked at the small grave next to it, marked Baby Shepherd. "Hey, baby boy. I brought you something." She knelt down and placed a unicorn figurine next to some flowers in front of the stone. "I'm not gonna be able to come see you for a while because I'm moving to Seattle, where your Uncle Derek lives. Even though I won't be here as often, I'll still think about you every day. You, and all the magic you did. I love you, my Unicorn Baby." She closed her eyes and swallowed hard, then stood up and slowly walked back to her car.
A minute later Amelia bounded down the stairs.
"Are you okay?" Meredith asked, once she had sat down again.
"Yeah, fine. What can I do to help with dinner?" she asked, popping a baby carrot into her mouth, and giving a quick smile.
The next morning Amelia was at the nurses' station, looking through a medical chart one of the interns had just handed her. She huffed and headed down the hall. She barged into Derek's office and held up the chart.
"Derek, what is this?!"
"You'll have to be more specific. It looks like a patient's file to me." He smirked.
Amelia frowned. "HA-HA. You know what I mean. I told you yesterday that I already approved David Clacher's treatment, but you changed his medication anyway, without any indication that it was necessary."
"I felt that it would be better for him in the long-term."
"He's having surgery this week. That medication thins his blood, and we don't need him bleeding out on the table. If it's necessary we'll change his medication after surgery, but right now he is doing fine on what I prescribed for him."
"I felt differently, since the medicine you prescribed can raise his blood pressure, and I made a judgment call."
"You cannot keep second-guessing me and going behind my back to change things. I am head of neuro now."
"I've been head of neuro for years. I have a lot more practice with these things than you do."
Amelia's pager went off. "I have to go, but I'm serious Derek, no more switching things on my patients!"
That night Meredith and Derek walked in the door a bit later than the previous day, only to find Amelia already cooking dinner while Zola and Bailey were playing with toys on the den floor.
"Daddy!" "Mama!" came the shrieks from the den before they had even closed the front door behind them. After greeting the kids with hugs and kisses, Derek went upstairs with the kids following closely behind.
Meredith headed into the kitchen.
"Hey, I heard you had a rough day today."
"Yeah, well, your husband made it a lot worse." She sighed. "I decided the best way to salvage the day was to pick the kids up early from daycare. Spending time with them is therapeutic….sometimes! And now I'm distracting myself with cooking."
"Well you know I'll never complain about that!" Meredith laughed.
After a tense dinner where neither of the Shepherds spoke to each other, Meredith and Derek started the kids' bedtime routine.
Amelia figured the den was safe territory after 9pm since Derek would probably stay in his room. She flopped onto the couch, already in her pajamas, and started watching Real Housewives; she needed a little reality TV to take her mind off of things. A few minutes later her cell phone rang and she saw Addison's name pop up on the display.
"Hello?"
"Hey! Henry was asking about his Auntie Amelia earlier so I told him he could call you before bed to say hi. Here he is."
"Ad, now isn't –"
"Hi! I eating Goldfish!"
"Hey Henry. Goldfish are yummy. Save some for me! Did you have a good day?"
"Yes! I goed swimming."
Amelia had to admit that she did miss living on the beach, especially on rainy Seattle days.
"That sounds fun. Did mommy go swimming too?"
"No, her didn't want to get her hair wet. Her just stand in the water."
"Aw, tell mommy that's no fun! Did you splash her?"
"Yes!" He giggled.
"Did you get in trouble?"
"No, she say I lucky I cute!"
Amelia laughed. "Sounds about right. You are very cute! I miss you."
"My miss you."
"I'll see you soon when I come visit, okay? Sweet dreams."
"Okay. Byyeeeee!"
Amelia listened as Henry handed the phone back to Addison.
"Isn't he just so adorable sometimes? You know, when he's not destroying everything white in the house?!"
"Yeah, he is," she agreed, distractedly.
"What's wrong? You don't sound like yourself."
Amelia let out a deep breath she didn't realize she'd been holding. "Derek."
"Oh, I've been there!" Addison joked. Getting no response, she continued, "What did he do this time?"
"Hunt and I had a patient today whose daughter recognized me because her brother used to hang out with Ryan and his friends, and get high. She confronted me in front of half the hospital, and told everyone I was a junkie and not fit to treat her mother, or anyone else."
"But that's not true anymore."
"I know. No one in Seattle knows anything about what happened back in LA. They all see me as a well-respected surgeon and head of the department…or at least they did, until today."
"So what happened? Wait, hold on one second."
Amelia heard Addison say, "Jake, can you read Henry a story tonight? I need to talk to Amelia for a few minutes." Then she heard a door slide. "Okay, go ahead," Addison spoke into the phone again.
"Well, I guess the secret's out about my past with drugs and alcohol. I explained everything to Hunt, but then I left early so who knows what the Grey-Sloan Memorial rumor mill is saying about me."
"Eh, who cares what they're saying. They've probably said worse things about me!" She paused. "But what does Derek have to do with any of this?"
"Derek and I got into another fight over the best treatment for a patient."
"That's nothing new! You're the head of the department. Eventually he'll have to accept that you usually overrule him. It'll just take a while because he ego can't accept that he reports to his little sister now!"
Amelia gave a small laugh. "Before I left, Hunt called me into his office and said that in light of this new information he would have to rethink my position as head of neurosurgery." Tears sprung to her eyes. "Then on my way out I ran into Maggie who said she overheard Derek telling Hunt that he thought the Board should have a meeting about my current position at the hospital."
"Oh, I'm sorry. Derek can be an ass sometimes. He lets his ego get in the way. Do you want me to call and yell at him for you?"
Amelia laughed a little. "No, it's okay. Thanks though."
"You should talk to the Board too. Tell them the whole story about all you've been through and how hard you worked to get clean and stay sober. You've been doing a good job up until now, that hasn't changed. You're still the same person as you were yesterday before they knew about this. If they never questioned your judgment before then they shouldn't start now."
She thought about it for a minute. "You're right. They've known Derek a lot longer than they've known me though, they might side with him."
"Give it a shot. It can't hurt. And, Amelia, tell them the whole story. Tell them about Ryan and the baby and they'll see how you changed and why you're not going to slip again."
"I haven't even told Derek or Meredith about that."
"You should. Maybe it'll help."
"Maybe."
"I have to go, Henry wants me to tuck him in. But call me if you need to talk or anything. And let me know how things go with the Board."
"I will. Thanks, Addie. Bye."
"Anytime. Bye."
She pressed "End" on the screen and put the phone down. She heard a noise behind her and peeked over the back of the couch to see what it was.
"Oh, Meredith, I didn't realize you were down here." 'Crap, crap, crap, I wonder how much of that she heard.'
"I came to get a snack before bed. Sorry for eavesdropping, but Derek didn't tell me what was going on and neither did you so once I heard what you were talking about it was hard to stop listening!"
"How much did you hear?" Amelia asked as she made her way to the kitchen table.
"Want some?" Meredith offered her some apple slices with peanut butter.
"Thanks," she said as she took one. "So, how much?"
"Well, enough to know that Derek is being McJerky," she laughed at her own joke and Amelia attempted to smile. "And enough to know that you've been keeping a secret from us. More than one secret, apparently." She raised her eyebrows.
Amelia groaned. "If I tell you, you can't tell Derek. I can't give him something else he can use against me tomorrow."
Meredith nodded. "Okay."
She told Meredith about how it started with an accidental drink, and eventually led to drugs and an intervention that she walked out of.
"Derek told you the story about our father's death, right? And his watch?"
Meredith nodded. She knew that Amelia and Derek had witnessed their father's death and that it was especially hard for Amelia, and she eventually struggled with addiction as a teenager.
Amelia continued, and told her about how heartbroken she was after Ryan's death and how she feared that her friends at the practice would never forgive her after the things she said to them at the intervention.
"Shortly after I got out of rehab and went back to work I found out I was pregnant…with Ryan's baby."
Meredith let out a breath, "Oh, wow." She wrinkled her forehead as if she was thinking. "But…"
"I know, I don't have a child." She drew in a shaky breath. "He was anencephalic." She paused and then added dryly. "I know, a neurosurgeon who has a baby with no brain – ironic, right?"
Meredith didn't know what to say. "I'm so sorry, Amy. I had no idea. When did this -?"
"About two years ago. I held him for just a few minutes and then I donated his organs. My unicorn baby," she almost whispered the last part.
"Unicorn baby?" She raised her eyebrows again.
"Yeah, unicorns are magical, and by donating his organs he was able to save other infants' lives. Even though his life was short, he was able to save so many other babies. It was magical. Like a unicorn." She stared down at the table. "Maybe it's silly, but..."
"No, it's not." Something clicked in Meredith's brain. "Was he what you were thinking about yesterday when Derek tried to talk to you about Zola's unicorn and you pretty much shut him down?"
"Yup."
"Makes sense now."
"Yeah, that's my life. And now my brother is trying to ruin one of the only good things I have going for me right now."
"You should tell him about all of this. Maybe he'll see how much you've matured and change his mind. He can't hold the past against you forever."
"I'm not telling him. Not now, at least."
"Next time, on The Real Housewives…" the TV interrupted their thoughts.
"I should get to bed," Amelia said, getting up and heading towards the stairs after turning the TV off.
"Okay. Have a good night." She thought for a second. "Amy?"
"Hm?" She turned around.
"Thanks for sharing. Your secrets are safe with me. But I do think you should tell Derek at some point."
"We'll see. Good night."
After climbing into bed, Amelia allowed herself to cry. After about five minutes of sobbing quietly so as not to wake anyone, she decided that she was done wallowing for now; she was ready to fight for what she wanted.
The lack of speaking at home apparently didn't carry over to the hospital. Amelia cornered Derek in an on-call room the next morning.
"How could you do this to me? You're my brother," she said, the hurt evident in her voice.
"It wasn't personal."
"It's not fair. You betrayed me."
"I was only doing what I thought was best for the hospital."
"No, you were doing what you thought was best for you! You still think of me as your baby sister, but in case you haven't noticed I'm a pretty kickass neurosurgeon these days! Or maybe you just can't stand the idea that I'm in charge. I thought you were ashamed of me when I was on drugs, but now I think you'd rather have me go back to being that person. You're afraid that someday I might be more successful than you, and you can't handle that. You're bitter that you didn't get to go to DC for your job with the president and you took it out on Meredith. Now you're taking it out on me. It was your decision, Derek!"
"This has nothing to do with that!"
"Fine. Then what is this about? You're only happy that I'm here when I'm taking care of your kids or cooking dinner. You don't want me near your hospital. Is this about Mark and Addison? You still haven't forgiven me for keeping their affair a secret, have you? Did you ever think that maybe I kept their secret because I didn't want you to get hurt? Or maybe because they treated me better than you did half the time?! So go talk to the Board, tell them to demote me, go back to being head of neurosurgery. You'll get to remain the Golden Child and I'll just be Amelia the Screw-Up again! It's probably what everyone expects anyway."
"Amy, that's –"
"No. You know what?" She interjected. "I changed my mind. I'm not going down without a fight. You go present your case to the Board tonight and then I'll present mine. We'll let them decide." She spun around and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her.
Derek sighed, closing his eyes and running one hand through his hair.
Later that day, Derek presented his case to the other Board members first. He explained that he learned that Amelia had been in rehab again, as recently as two years ago, and because of that he wasn't sure that she was able to handle such a demanding job.
"I don't question her abilities as a surgeon, but I do question some of the decisions she makes. She takes risks. I don't want her to make a wrong decision that leads to a bad outcome and she ends up allowing all the pressure to get to her and lead her back to drugs."
He rationalized that if he took over as head of neurosurgery again then he wouldn't have to worry about her relapsing as much and she would still be able to perform surgeries, but wouldn't have any extra stress.
"What if she did slip and start using and operated while drunk or high? That could end up with a big lawsuit for this hospital."
"She's been doing well up until now. Do you have any real reason to think she'll slip?" Arizona asked.
"No, not really, but I don't want to take the risk."
When Derek was finished, it was Amelia's turn to present her case. "I'm sure by now you've all heard the rumor that I was in rehab a few years ago. Yes, the rumor is true. Or at least that one is – I can't vouch for any others that may be circulating!" she tried to inject some humor in there, and then went on to explain that she had a drug addiction as a teenager and it resurfaced about three years ago, but she got help. She told them about Ryan, but left out the part about her son; it seemed too private to share just yet. She explained that she works hard to stay clean, and has been doing so ever since she got out of rehab, which included returning to work in LA and then working in Seattle. She pointed out that she was doing a good job and no one had questioned her up until they found out this information. She said that her reputation as a surgeon should speak for itself, and that Derek undermining her was just a normal sibling relationship.
"Did your drug addiction ever impair your abilities to function at work?" Jackson asked.
"No. Only when I was basically strung out and didn't show up for work, which was before I entered rehab. Since then my record has been normal, exceptional even."
"What about prescribing drugs for patients and having access to narcotics? Is that tempting for you? asked Callie.
"Again, before rehab, it was. Now I've been prescribing necessary medications for patients and I haven't thought of touching any of it myself."
Owen spoke up, "What are you doing to ensure that you'll stay clean and sober?"
"I'm attending AA meetings regularly and I have a sponsor who I can talk to if I start feeling the urge to use again."
He spoke again, "Thank you for your time. Give us a few minutes to discuss things and make a decision."
Amelia stepped into the hall and sat next to Derek.
"How did it go?" he question.
"I think it went well. How did you do?"
"I think I made my point as well."
"Well, good luck, I guess."
"You too."
Meredith poked her head out the door. "We're ready for both of you."
Derek and Amelia entered the room and stood before the table.
Jackson began, "After voting, the Board has decided that Amelia will remain Head of Neurosurgery."
She smiled, and Derek looked annoyed.
He continued, "It will be on a probationary basis right now. Dr. Derek Shepherd will offer guidance from his experience in the department, when needed. Still, decisions will default to Dr. Amelia Shepherd. Dr. Hunt will watch closely over the next few months to see how things are going in the department and we will revisit this decision in three months and based on how things are going we will decide if Dr. Derek Shepherd needs to take his job back or if Dr. Amelia Shepherd's probation is over and she will continue in the position."
Derek thanked them for their time and left the room.
Dr. Hunt turned towards Amelia and spoke in a serious tone, "If we see any signs of you slipping back to old habits we will take immediate action."
Amelia nodded.
"However," he continued, "As of right now there's no reason for us to ask you to step down. We're happy with the job you've been doing since you have been here."
"Thank you. See you tomorrow."
"How could you vote for her?" accused Derek, when Meredith got home that night.
"I had to be objective and listen to both sides. I agreed with what she said."
"You're my wife!"
"I know! And she's your sister! Why are you doing this to her?"
"You're one to talk about sisters! I practically had to beg you to invite yours over for dinner last week!"
"Maggie is a totally different situation than Amy. It's not fair to bring my screwed-up family into this."
"Yeah, well, it's not fair that I'm not head of neuro. It's not fair that I had to turn down the job in DC. A lot of things aren't fair, Meredith!"
"Are we seriously still fighting about that? I didn't force you to stay!"
"This was a once in a lifetime opportunity and you guilted me into staying."
"You should have wanted to stay, at least for your children! You don't want to be like my mother anymore than I do."
"No, but you were all supposed to come with me until you backed out."
"It would've meant putting your career first and putting mine on hold. That wasn't fair. We're equals, Derek! You knew, before we got married or had kids, that my career was important to me."
"Yes, but sometimes one spouse has to step back in their career for a while in order for the other person to move forward."
"I get that, but it was always me stepping back for you. When did you ever step back for me? I'm not even asking you to step back, I'm just asking that I get an equal chance."
"You don't think I give you an equal chance? How can you even say that? What about all the nights I take care of the kids when you're working late? Isn't that supporting your career?"
"Yeah, when you don't hand them off to someone else to watch because you got called into a surgery! Remember the night where I didn't even know where they were for a few hours?"
"That was one time, Meredith! And they were fine, I just forgot to tell you where they were. You know what? I'm not even sure what we're fighting about right now! Is this about Amelia or is this about you?"
"Maybe it's about several things. Ugh, I don't even wanna talk to you right now. I'll go sleep in Zola's room." She turned and walked away.
Derek leaned his head back against the wall and sighed.
The next day at work Derek was operating on David Clacher when he came to an unexpected problem. He decided how to wanted to proceed, but knew that he had to follow protocol as he was instructed to do.
"Page the other Dr. Shepherd," he instructed the intern assisting with the procedure.
"You paged me?" Amelia stepped into the OR.
"We found an enlarged ventricle, probably meaning that there's –"
"Excess cerebrospinal fluid," she finished. "What would you normally do now?"
Derek explained what the next step he wanted to take would be.
Amelia nodded. "I trust your judgment. Do you want any assistance?"
Derek looked up again. "Sure, scrub in."
A few minutes after Amelia scrubbed in, the beeping started.
"His stats are dropping!" the intern called.
"He's bleeding," Derek said. "His blood isn't clotting as quickly as it should. We're gonna need an IV transfusion."
He tried to soak up some of the blood with towels.
"Did you nick something?" Amelia asked.
"No, I don't think so. I don't know what caused the bleed."
"Stats are still dropping!"
Derek began to sound worried, "I can't get it to stop."
Amelia felt around a little more. "I think I've got it! I see where the blood is coming from. Hand me that clamp."
Once the clamp was on, they were able to finish the surgery and repair the broken vessel, which must have popped due to excess pressure.
After telling the patient's family that he was being taken to recovery, Derek stepped into the locker room and sighed in relief.
"Good job in there, bro." Amelia smiled at him.
"Thanks, but you were the one who fixed things. I thought for a minute we might lose him. I've seen plenty of bleeds, but for some reason I had trouble with this one. You stayed calm and really stepped up. I was impressed." He paused. "Look, Amy, I may not have given you enough credit. You're right that I'm not used to reporting to someone, especially not my little sister, so I may have overreacted when your patient's daughter recognized you as a former junkie. I'm sorry."
"Thank you. And don't let it happen again," she joked on her way out of the room.
Meredith walked into the bedroom later that night and found Derek already in bed, reading a medical journal.
"Hey," she started.
"Oh, hey, how was your day?"
"Pretty good. Nothing crazy. How about you? I heard you and Amelia kicked ass in surgery."
"Yeah, she's actually a better surgeon than I realized…" he tilted his head, "I mean, I did know it because of her reputation, but I haven't seen her in action very often and somehow seeing it for myself was different."
"So, are you guys good now?"
He nodded.
"Good."
"What about us?" he asked.
"What about us?" she countered.
"Are we done with this stupid fight?"
"Not really."
"I thought we resolved this."
"No. We didn't. We just stopped talking about it long enough for you to be the Knight in Shining Armor during the Maggie situation. We can't keep fighting about the same thing. We might never agree on it, but we can't keep using it against each other whenever things get tough."
"I agree."
"This is a touchy subject for me because I hate the idea that I might have prevented you from doing something to further your career, but I also hate the idea of our family being split apart. I don't want us to be like my mother." She sighed. "So, if you try to let go of any lingering resentment you have towards me about DC then I will try not to throw it in your face the next time we get in a fight."
"I think I can agree to that deal." He smiled. "The kids are asleep…"
Meredith crawled onto the bed, Derek meeting her halfway, and they started kissing, laughing in between kisses.
"Get a room!" Amelia called, jokingly, as she walked by.
"Oh, gee, I thought that's what we had here!" Derek teased.
She took a few steps back and paused, leaning against the doorframe.
"I'm gonna go out and grab a late dinner. Have a good night." She waved as she headed towards the stairs.
"Night Amy!" "Good night!"
"Now," Derek turned back to Meredith, "Where were we?"
She giggled.
"Mama, mama!" came over the baby monitor.
"I'd better go check on Bailey," Meredith said, "Hold that thought!"
"I'll be right here," Derek replied.