Vain Fantasy
True, I talk of dreams,
Which are the children of an idle brain
Begot of nothing but vain fantasy...
- Romeo and Juliet, I. iv.
"Come on, people, think! What are we missing?" Doctor Gregory House stood in front of a dry-erase board covered with disparate symptoms, glaring at his staff.
"Well, it's not cancer," said the James Wilson, head of Oncology, appearing in the doorway.
"You never think it's cancer," snapped House. "I don't know why you bother showing up at differentials."
"Well you never know – it could be cancer. I really need something to do around here!"
"Ghoul," said House.
"Vasculitis," suggested Dr. Chase.
"Please," said House. "Has it ever been vasculitis? No. Everyone stop saying that."
"An obstruction of the pulmonary hippocampus," said Dr. Foreman.
"Now we're getting somewhere," said House. "What else?"
"Infarction of the femoral larynx," tried Chase.
House considered. "Hmm, I'm tempted to say yes because you're so pretty, but that's not it."
"How can you be so sure?" Wilson asked from the doorway.
"Elementary, my dear Wilson – the patient's acute migratory hernia precludes it."
"Not necessarily," said Foreman. "My friend Kelso had both an acute migratory hernia and an infarction of the femoral larynx."
"Oh, well if your friend had it, then that must be the case," Chase muttered.
"Hey, I'm trying to back you up here!"
"Oh, sorry."
"Great, now they're ganging up on me," House grumbled. "But you're both wrong. The hernia is coagulant, so it can't be caused by anything in the larynx. Other options?"
Foreman snapped his fingers. "Hemorrhage of the coaxial patella!"
Suddenly Dr. Cameron stood up. "You know what? This is total nonsense. I'm going to Africa to work with Sebastian Charles."
"OMG! WTF!" exclaimed Chase.
"LOL," House said to Wilson.
"BBQ," Foreman observed wryly.
Three days later Cameron was eaten by a lion, and everyone else lived happily ever after, although the lion had a mild case of indigestion.
A/N: No lions were harmed in the making of this fan fic.