Membership:
Description: Hidan is tired of the relentless spam mail and membership requests from the Akatsuki and journeys to their hideout to deal out some punishment, but it seems like events take a turn in another direction…
The next day the members of Akatsuki were chillin' in a cave.
"Hey, didn't you say you recruited a new member or something?" inquired Sasori's monotone voice of Deidara.
"Yes. I TOLD you already, WHY do you keep asking that, it's getting really annoying, hmmm?" Deidara responded.
"Well, I guess it's not too big of a deal or anything, but I didn't see anyone so I figured they didn't show up."
"Ahh, sarcasm. Well, I don't see you bringing any new members, hmm?"
"What are you talking about I brought 237 new members just last week."
"And how many of those 237 people have not been turned into puppets, hmm?"
"None, but that isn't the point. The point is, when you claim to have recruited a new member, you make us expect someone to show up."
"And apparently your definition of 'showing up' is having their guts wrenched out and replaced with poison drenched weaponry, hmm?"
"You didn't find anyone, did you? This grocery store vampire thing doesn't really exist."
"You're right. Puppets do. And they also count as members because they act fully on their own, clearly assisting in missions independent of OTHER AKATSUKI MEMBERS because they have free will. Yep, that's why we get other people to join. They help us because we don't have to manage everything at once because they are SEPARATE, INDEPENDENT, FREE MINDED HUMAN BEINGS."
Sasori began to glare even more than he normally does and stood up with rage, greatly offended at the indifference displayed at his masterful puppet collection. He attempted to correct this wrong both through verbal assault as well as the threat of poisoned spears. As he lectured Deidara on his insolence, he was thwarted by a prototypical Deidara reaction, as obnoxious as it was immature, as Deidara plugged his ears and jumped around the cave singing loudly, "I'VE GOT NO STRINGS TO HOLD ME DOWN! TO MAKE ME FRET, OR MAKE ME FROWN."
At this point he had lost all composure and was attaching chakra strings to random objects such as rocks and dust particles and flinging them at Deidara. Deidara, of course, was infinitely amused at Sasori's death wish for him and skipped with glee along the wall of the cave, smiling manically.
Pain, annoyed by his subordinates' foolishness, called for their attention.
"If you can't act like dignified adults, I'm going to relieve you of your duties, if you know what I mean," he said sternly. "Deidara, Sasori does have a point. Where exactly is this person you claim to have recruited?"
"It's not like I'm tracking him or anything. Everyone knows that anyone who would not be capable of warding off a tracker is not a shinobi worthy of the Akatsuki. That's why I sent him spam emails instead. Hmmm."
"We shall see. In the meantime, don't make precursory claims. After all, are you forgetting who monitors membership into Akatsuki?"
Pain's slightly threatening tone quieted Deidara and he pouted and went and sat in the corner of the cave to fume in indignation and occasionally stick his tongues out at Sasori when he wasn't looking. Sasori, who was about forty years older than Deidara got over himself a lot faster. However, it wasn't long before Pain left the cave.
Deidara slowly walked towards his stereo, tip toeing sneakily, making brief glances at Sasori, who was fully aware he was doing this. He interpreted the action as non-threatening and ignored it completely. At this point he was completely absorbed in installing a mini-fridge inside Hiruko and didn't have time for such base stupidity.
Then all of a sudden a tune, soft and melodious at first, came from Deidara's stereo. Sasori considered the tune tolerable and possibly enjoyable, until the chorus shattered the melancholy atmosphere that absorbed him like the sudden splitting of a spring meadow into a jagged chasm to Hell as the ground instantaneously and unexpectedly SCHISMS, and rising forth from the crevice a suppressed darkness, which engulfs all colorous beauty of the flowers and eternally silences the sweet spring twitter of the birds, so that not even recollections can provide solace.
"Waiting for the sun…waiting…waiting…waiting…" the singer crooned. Sasori's hands froze in midair as the door of the mini-fridge swung backwards unhindered, despondent like the door of an uninhabited house that remains to swing at the will of the wind on broken hinges, providing unreturned welcomes to forgotten guests. Deidara grinned maniacally, watching Hiruko but assuming Sasori's facial expression was somehow changing.
"Waiting…waiting…waiting…"
Sasori's eyes grew wide as the words pounded into his brain. For an eternity the word was repeated, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over until he could stand it no longer. Deidara chuckled to himself, proud of his new found ability to make audio loops. The chorus of "Waiting for the Sun" was perhaps the best way to irritate his impatient compatriot. Deidara's prank was the final blow. His laughter was severed abruptly as his stereo splintered from the impact of Hiruko's tail, which Sasori commanded directly afterwards at Deidara without a thousandth of a second's hesitation.
"How…long…is…this…song…Deidara?" Sasori said, barely capable of containing his rage. "When does it end?"
"The real question is, Sasori, will it end, hmm?" Deidara remarked.
"Turn it off. Turn it off," he said with gradually increasing intensity as he continued to aimlessly attempt to attack Deidara.
"You do realize it's not playing anymore, hmmm? You just destroyed the stereo that was playing it. Which, may I add, was not the cheapest item ever. Hmmm. Not to mention I bought it before I was in Akatsuki and it's almost impossible to just go into normal stores now. Damn it."
"Turn it off," Sasori continued, as if nothing had been said.
"The only place this song is playing is your head, hmm." Deidara said, somewhat bemused.
Sasori remained unresponsive and stared unblinkingly through doll like eyes, drawing back Hiruko's tail in preparation to strike. His reminiscent reverie ceased as he was drawn back into reality by the arrival of Pain, who opened the door to the cave, allowing light to make its rare meeting with Sasori's face.
"Didn't I tell you two to behave? You are out of line, mister!" Pain yelled as he approached.
Deidara cringed as he watched the figure of authority descend. "I think you need to spend some time in the corner," Pain said with malice. Hesitating slightly, Deidara muttered, "If only I had some music. Hmmm."
"Hurry up, and stop making inane comments, or I will not hesitate to kill you and everyone here, understand?"
"Hey, hey, hey! I'm just sharing this cave like everybody else!" said a homeless man.
Suddenly a knock at the cave door was heard. "WHAT?!! How could someone have discovered such a remote location as this? I invested the highest level sealing techniques available in concealing this place! Oh well, let him in." said Pain.
The giant rock slab opened with a creeiikk noise and the outline of the none other than the foul-mouthed grocery vampire guy whom Deidara shared a taste for breakfast cereals with imposed itself in the doorway.
"How did you manage to locate the secret Akatsuki hideout?" inquired Pain.
"Well, first of all 'Deidara rocks' was painted in huge letters on the door, and you can feel the fucking bass from that stereo under your feet ten miles away." replied Hidan.
"Is that so?" Pain said, looking accusingly at Deidara. "Well, now that you're here, I'm assuming you're interested in joining the Akatsuki elite?"
"Listen, I just showed up to tell the bitch who has been spamming my inbox to fuck off and prepare to receive Jashin's punishment!"
"Consider your circumstances. You're standing in the middle of the hideout of the most dangerous group of rogue shinobi warriors in the world of ninja. You pretty much don't have any option other than to join us or die. Or defeat us, which is an impossibility. So I guess it's not really an option. Whatever, even if you did you would be powerless against internet harassment." stated Pain.
Hidan blinked three times before responding. "Look, I really don't have time to be wasting on this shit. I'm trying to find a new apartment so I need to just kill you fuckers and get it over with!"
"Free room and board for all members," said Pain.
"Hell yes bitches, sign me up!" said Hidan.
"You're to be partnered with Kakuzu, who will help run you through the basics and give you the tour."
"One penny, two penny…" Upon hearing his name, Kakuzu looked up from his change counting to observe the latest addition to the cave.
"Dammit, this is about the fifteenth time I have lost my count, counting pennies from this change bag. I don't even remember why I was counting them anymore my thought process has been so disrupted. First it was Deidara and Sasori and now it's some freak who can't figure out whether he wants to be a vampire or the grim reaper for Halloween. I should have listened to my mom and gone into accounting. My god."
"YOUR GOD? NO ONE CAN CLAIM OWNERSHIP OF JASHIN! YOU FUCK FACE GET UP SO JASHIN CAN SMITE YOU!"
Kakuzu sighed and shook his head.
"Inform him of our mission statement as quickly and thoroughly as possible and then head out," said Pain. Kakuzu replied, "I have a feeling it won't really matter. But he does meet the criteria of article nine section twelve: willing to overcome emotional ties, personal ethical code, or any other feelings that would interfere with the killing of any and all individuals hindering the accomplishment of goals set forth by the elected leader of Akatsuki and hereupon voted in majority favor by all present, living members, doing so with irregard to the relationship of the individual in question to the prospective Akatsuki member."
"That sure was a lot of words over there bitch! Don't think that's gonna' make me spare you! HAHAHAHAHAHA! I'LL KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU FUCKERS!"
Fin