A Talk Between Friends
By Moony
Dunno where this came up. But yeah. I decided to write this instead of a different one.
–Moony
Remus watched him for a long time, making no noise. He was just sitting there, sullen looking, just sitting. Simply sitting. If seventeen years ago, you told him that Sirius would be simply sitting and shutting up and doing nothing, Remus would not have believed it. Sirius was usually so loud, noisy, and excited about everything. Since Azkaban, he had changed, and it seemed he was different from the Sirius he knew so many years ago. He had been so sad. Of course, Dumbledore kept him in the house, so he wouldn't be thrown back, but it was for his own good. Remus knew how it felt for him. He knew Sirius hated this home, he knew Sirius hated doing nothing, knew Sirius would rather be out there, at the verge of death, than safe at home doing nothing. He didn't do anything. Didn't even notice Remus was there. Normally his listening sense was sharp, he could've heard Remus from even far away, but now he seemed to be in his own trance. Oblivious to the world around him. Remus decided to finally speak.
"Anything wrong?" he said, uncertainly.
He didn't answer for a while. He simply stared at the ceiling, motionless. Then he slowly replied.
"Everything."
Remus moved to the couch and sat across from him. Sirius had gone into these moods before, but never so long. He had always talked when he was in a trance before. Perhaps it was the fact he was back in the house of Black. Or that Dumbledore was just keeping him locked up. Or maybe it was Azkaban. Or all that rolled into one. Whatever it was, Remus hated this. He hated how sad he looked. He hated how depressed he was. He hated it all.
"What do you mean, everything?"
"My life is screwed. Why am I living?"
Remus sighed softly. He hated when Sirius did this. Truth was, he thought Sirius had a better life than he had ever had.
"You have a great life Sirius. You really do. A better life than I ever had."
His eyes looked at him, full of sadness and anger.
"Oh yeah, I had a great life Remus. I had never had a family. You did, at least. A family who loved you and bought you presents and cared about you. A family who would worry if you went missing or got hurt. A family to protect you. A family there for you. I never did."
"But you do have a family, Sirius. Maybe not the kind everyone else has, but you always had a family. You had me, James, Dumbledore, and all of the Order. We all care about you. We're all a family."
He gave a harsh laugh at the mention of Dumbledore.
"Yeah, someone who cares would lock me up in this god damn forsaken place."
"Because he is protecting you."
"You can call it that. But he doesn't listen to me. He thinks I can't do anything. Offering him this stupid place was the best thing I could do for the Order. It sucks being here alone."
"Yeah? Have you had to endure being shunned your whole life? Have you faced the humiliation of trying to find a job, when everyone is running away because you're a werewolf? Do you know what it's like to be called werewolf, like I'm not even human? Do you know what it feels to be transforming into a hideous creature every night? Do you know that? Do you think that life is damn better than yours? Because it's not!"
"At least you didn't kill your best friend," Sirius said softly, averting his gaze and looking out to the ceiling again.
"Sirius, you know and I told you over and over, it's not – "
"Don't even say it's not my fault! Because it is! Every day, it haunts me! When I look at Harry, when I see how awful he's feeling, I know it's my fault. I killed them. I did. I was the one who insisted on switching to Peter. He trusted me, I promised him, I promised him that I wouldn't let him down, that it would be fine. And I broke that promise. I broke that promise, and look where it's got all of us now!"
Remus could feel the tears threatening to come out of his eyes. This wasn't how this talk was supposed to go.
"Do you know how it feels to think that all the friends that I've ever had are leaving me? Did you have do endure what I endured for thirteen years while you were in Azkaban? Did you know how cold, how lonely, how sad I felt? Because you all were the only friends I ever had, and you were all gone. Did you feel that?"
"Did you know what it was like in Azkaban? Did you know what it felt like, to sit there in that cell, the haunting of what I had done to Lily and James? Knowing what everyone thought of me? All my friends, thinking I had betrayed them? How about that? Is that better than your loneliness?"
He looked as though he was ready to cry too.
"Or how about this, thinking I was going to rid of this damn place forever when I was seventeen years old, and then being forced to stay here for the rest of my life!"
Remus didn't know what to say. He couldn't stop the tears anymore, they slid readily, and through the blurs, he saw Sirius was crying too.
"I never thought I'd be here again. I never thought I would have to be reminded of all these memories again," he mumbled. "I never thought what I had done would haunt me like that, every time I see Harry. I never thought Snape would be out there, doing something important, while I was locked up at this Hell. Face it Moony, our lives are damned."
At the mention of 'Moony', Remus gave a smile. It had come off Sirius's tongue automatically. It was a reminder of the old days. The good times.
"We should be thankful for one thing in our lives."
"What's that?"
"That we met James. That we met each other. That we know Dumbledore, and the whole Order who are there to help us. That Harry's alive. We should be thankful for the Marauders, thankful for the years we had. Thankful for the people who care about us now…" Remus thought and then added, "Padfoot."
At the sound of Padfoot, Sirius looked up and smiled too.
"Well Moony, can I ask you something?" he asked, back into his normal voice. He was smiling, and Remus knew he was back to being the Sirius he knew again.
"Sure."
"Why didn't we have this talk earlier?"
Remus shook his head. "I don't know. But I'm glad we did."