98.5% Useless
By bunny chan & Ginny :)
Yes-- another straaaange fic from bunny chan & Ginny :)!
We own Kezapi, Shifuga, Havoc [don't expect us to write any rules or anything for it. Please!] and Dr. Xargle Jix. J. K Rowling owns pretty much everyone else. Some of the ideas in this came from Ginny :) reading too many Douglas Adams books ['The Hitch- Hiker's Guide To The Galexy; Trilogy of Five' rocks!] , and too much of a TV program called 'My Parents Are Aliens', so there's influences from them, but we haven't actually nicked anything in particular, lol :)
Please read & review!!!
Bunny Chan & Ginny :)
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The classroom on board the Star Fleet The Mockingbird was playing Havoc. Literally. Havoc is a very popular game on board space ships, involving everything from deadly poisons, to text books on Discover New Life-forms on Sirius and Alpha Centuri. Young Humanoids are known to love it. Hey, kids, today we're gonna learn how to maim and torture!
Unfortunately, that was in the room next door to the twins Kezapi and Shifuga, and the rest of their class. They listened whistfully to the noise and chaos that echoed down the corridoor into their own room, which was as silent as the grave, except for the drone of their teacher lecturing them on, well, something. Something about a galexy with a silly name. The few inhabitants inhabitants called it The Galexy, which was considered terribly short- sighted but you can't have everything.
Shifuga was listening avidly, unconciously chewing the end of one of her long blue plaits.
"Each of you must partener up with a classmate. You must each have a note book, text books, writing and drawing equiptment, Communications Monitors, and get yourselves into an Obervance Pod, which you will drive towards the Galexy in question. Try not to disturb the lifeforms on any of them, because it may frighten the poor silly dears. And no landing to scare anyone on purpose! All of you with those rediculous fake anietenni in your bags must hand them in to me before we land. Remember to follow my Obserbvance Pod at all times. Now-- go and prepair. We will be leaving in fifteen minutes."
Shifuga got to her feet, and motioned to her twin, "C'mon, Kez. You get our books and stuff, I'll nab us a Pod."
"Fine," Kezapi muttered, "But I get to drive, OK?"
"No. It's not OK. Last time you drove, we took a wrong turning and ended up at the wrong end of the Western Ursulas Galexy!"
"I didn't mean to, it was an accident! Lemmie drive, sis..."
"Well, I don't think--"
"Oooh, please?" her brother moaned. Shifuga gave up. What was the point?
~*~
It was not a large Pod. It smelt of Sirian Mega Cats, looked like it was made from stone, and flew in exactly the same kind of way that rocks don't. It was cramped, with only just enough room for two students and their books.
On the plus side, it had an Inter-galactic radio. Kezapi insisted that they listen to The Archers, since it was the nearest they'd ever get to life in England, since aliens always seem to end up in America somehow, all though that didn't include Kezapi and Shifuga.
Shifuga let the constant natterings of the radio wash over her. She didn't know what they were talking about and, quite frankly, she didn't care. She only noticed, when the sound of Joe Grundy complaining about the price of sheep nowadays was taken over by the sound of their teacher's irate voice.
"Right! Everyone, put up your Protection Shields now! There's an asteriod storm ahead, and I want you all to KEEP SAFE!"
Shifuga and Kezapi gasped at the announcement.
"WHAT? YOU'RE TELLING THAT ONLY NOW???" Shifuga cried,
kicking the radio violently. "WE'RE TOO YOUNG TO DIE!"
"She's right, Prof," Kezapi said, kneeling at the radio.
"I mean, we're only a normal human teenager's age! How could
you have sent us to our deaths?"
Professor Xargle Jix must have heard them because the radio blasted
the next few words:
"YOU'RE ON YOUR MISSION, YOU MORONS!!!! Get your Shield up
now!"
"We're gonna die!" the twins wailed loudly, hugging
each other dramatically as they yelled out their last prayers.
Then Shifuga paused for a while. She had just realised that their
ship was shaking violently, lurching and vibrating, being banged
into by small asteroids.
"Kez... who is steering the Pod?" she asked.
Kezapi silenced.
"... I am..." he said at last, "Kind of. Oops."
The pod began shaking even more violently.
"AAAAAH!!! IF WE DON'T DIE OF THE ASTEROID STORM, WE'LL DIE
BECAUSE OF THIS!!!! KEZ, I'LL KILL YOU!" Shifuga shrieked
as she ring her hand over her twin's neck and began choking it.
"S...h...i...e....l...d...!" Kezapi gasped.
The pod gave an almighty lurch suddenly and hurtled off in the
opposite direction... towards the face of a lagoon-like blue and
green planet near by.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
~*~
Lily stared at the common room window, rather bored. They'd just
tripped over Mrs. Norris, the new caretaker's cat, that had overlarge
eyes resembling a great white moon when it was full. Also, the
Hufflepuffs were terrorised by the prospect of finding they food
transfigured into Cockroach Clusters and Acid Pops. And all thanks
to Lily, James, Peter, Remus and Sirius, better known as The Marauders.
"It's your turn to figure out our next adventure, Lily," Peter said to the girl. Lily pulled her red hair hard in thought. It was a habit.
"Why me? I mean, I was the one who turned those bottles of coke into grasshoppers. Isn't it someone else's turn?" Lily whined. Sirius bounced stupidly to her, a goofy grin on his face.
"That was James's idea, you just did it," he said before cartwheeling off at an unbelievable rate, and banged a first year in process.
Lily turned huffily back to the window. Maybe she could suggest something cool, like James. He had great ideas most of the time. It was possibly his one talent.
Hmm... they could probably turn all the Ravenclaws green. Or maybe the Slytherins could suffer from Itching Potion. Or maybe they should concentrate on that slimey Severus Snape, and turn him into a slug... maybe they could go on strike!
Just then, a star fell from the sky. Lily stared at it. It twinkled cheerfully back at her.
Wishing stars might grant her wishes. She should wish for an idea to terrorise the school!
Lily's eyes followed the falling beam of light, right into the Forbidden Forest. A loud bang echoed across the school grounds, and a flash of colourful lights lit up the darkness of the forest. Lily jumped up in surprise and blinked. Falling stars don't crash that way... do they? At least, that's what her old muggle teacher had told her.
Then it hit her.
"Hey! I've got an idea!" Lily called to the boys. The four looked up in amazement.
"Are you serious?" Remus asked. "You barely get any ideas at all, thanks to your psychotic brain."
"Yeah, they're not ideas, they're wild notions that never work!" Remus agreed.
"Being a psycho is a psychic," Lily quoted.
"The other way round, missy," James corrected, "... So... what's your idea?"
"We'll go to the Forbidden Forest!"
"WHAT? You're seriously mad, Lily!" Peter cried. "We'll get in trouble if we're caught or get lost or something. Look at the sky! It's--"
"Not falling in yet," Lily supplied, cheerfully. "And we'd never visited the forest at night! Besides, I saw something crash into it, I swear I did!"
"Yeah... right... like that time you swore that you saw a skeleton walking round in a top hat."
"Well?"
"That was Sirius and James under the invisibility cloak, with a skeleton stolen from the potions lab," Peter objected.
"Oh, I didn't know that," Remus frowned, in his usual day dreamy haze, "You really ought to tell me these things."
"Shut up, you lot! You think I could make this sort of thing up?! It might be fun. C'mon, guys! This'll be an adventure!" Lily crowed.
"LET'S GO!!!!" this, of course, came from Sirius. James, Remus and Peter stared at each other questioningly, debating silently whether or not they should check it out.
Finally, their busy-body part of mind took control and they agreed.
In less than twenty minutes, they were in the dark Forbidden Forest, their wands, oil lamps and Lily's muggle torch lighting their way to where Lily had seen the "star" crash.
"We're not getting lost, um, are we?" Remus asked nervously, "Remember what happened when--"
"Of course not! We're haven't gotten lost here yet, remember?" James assured.
"That was in daytime!" Peter protested.
"When is there day and night in this forest?" Sirius challenged. No one had anything to say after that.
Lily parted the bushes in her way to come upon fallen trees and a big.... if she didn't know better, she'd have said it was... a spaceship! But it couldn't be... could it? There were two creatures - no; humans-- or at least, they looked like humans - standing next to it, looking rather mangled and untidy. They were talking to a black box that resembled a sort of machine mad scientists usually invent in films.
"Um, sorry Professor Jix, but we sorta got carried away," the male one was saying.
"No, we did not! Kezapi left the controls on Manual!" the girl protested.
"Shut up, Shifuga! You shouldn't have started wailing in the first place!" Kezapi retorted.
"Really?! Well, I'm not the idiot who crash us!" Shifuga yelled.
"SILENCE, YOU TWO!!!" the black box - supposedly radio - boomed. "Just act normally and stay calm, whilst I locate you two! And--"
"Be quick, cause I need food," Shifuga said.
"LISTEN TO ME. Do as much as you can of your mission, get me? I'll send you an extra pod once we can get one AND locate your crash site! Also--BZZZT." The connection was cut.
"What does BZZZT mean?" said Shifuga.
"Hey! Hey, Professor!! NO!!!!!!" Kezapi moaned, kicking the black box.
"Who are you?" Lily cried, jumping out of the bushes. "You're- you're aliens, aren't you?"
Shifuga and Kezapi jumped up in surprise. "AAAH! THERE ARE LIFE FORM ON THIS PLANET!"
"Keep away r you'll feel the wrath of this..." Kezapi thought for a moment, "...thing..."
"Give me my hat back!" Complained James.
"Sorry."
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Funny. You're as human as any of us."
"They look mighty suspicious, though," James said thoughtfully. "Who-- besides us-- would be as crazy as to roam in the Forbidden Forest at night, talking to some box that just went blitzed and yelling and all?"
"Yeah," Remus said in agreement. "Are you the remains of Lord Grindelweld's people?"
"Do they look smart enough?" Peter said sarcastically. "I mean, look at them! Not even wearing robes. I'm betting they're Muggles."
"We're what you'd call Aliens."
"But we're actually Centurianns. From Alpha Centuri." Added in Kezapi.
"I'm Shifuga," Shifuga said. She motioned her brother. "This idiot here is my twin brother, Kezapi. He's the one who crashed us here."
"Ah," Lily said intelligently. "And I thought it was a falling star!"
"They might be lying," Sirius said suspiciously. "Let's send them to Dumbledore for a check-up!"
"Yeah!!!" the group chorused. The two aliens blinked. Who, or what was Dumbledore? Some spacecraft? And what check-up?
Before they could find out, Lily and James had grabbed Shifuga's arms, Remus and Peter Kezapi's, and Sirius danced behind them. All five were singing something about "Heigh Ho! It's to Dumbledore we go! High ho! Diddly diddley do!"
~*~
Dumbledore had seen many things in his long lifetime, and was due to see many more. But, as things go, the two... children... who stood in front of him now were definitely on the higher end of the 'weirdness scale'. They stood in front of his desk, exchanging bemused looks, with Lily and the Marauders hovering just behind them.
"Would you five mind leaving for a moment?" Dumbledore asked his students, who scowled, but shuffled off all the same, "Now..." he smiled vaguely at Kezapi and Shifuga, "Miss Evens tells me that you, shall we say, are not from this planet. I know that she has a certain tendency to let her imagination run away with her so, would you mind if I asked you to verify this statement?" he looked at them over his spectacles, blue eyes shining.
Kezapi and Shifuga imitated his look back at him.
After a moment, Kezapi voiced the question, "Well? Ask us then?"
"I... beg your pardon?"
"You said you were going to ask us if we minded if you asked us if we minded verifying a statement."
"And we don't mind, so ask us!"
Of all the tactics to get out of trouble that Dumbledore had seen in his many years as a teacher, this was not one he was familiar with. He had to think about it for a moment, before replying;
"Are you from another planet?"
"Yes." Said the twins together, simply.
"As I doubt that this is another elaborate plot by those students who accompanied you here," Dumbledore frowned a little, thinking, "I will have to believe you."
"Oh, that's nice of you," Shifuga smiled vaguely.
"Very nice!" Nodded her brother.
"Indeed." Dumbledore gave them a smile, "Would you mind if--" he changed tack, "Tell me why you are on Earth, please?"
"We just... landed here."
"Not so! Kezapi crashed us!"
"Did not."
"Did so."
"Did not!"
"Did so!"
"Did n--"
"Well," Dumbledore interrupted loudly, "Whatever happened, it doesn't seem to me that you are here to cause trouble. In the circumstances, it looks as though you are going to have to join the school-- for the moment anyway. You will be sorted in the morning. Good night. You may go now."
"Goodnight."
"See ya."
The two strange Centurianns wandered out of the room, to be met by their original captors, who were a little upset to discover that they weren't actually the Slavering- Monster veriety of Alien.
Dumbledore wondered to himself what he had let himself in for this time.
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Please read & review!